suddenly this has become a new nightmare. I lose track of time and even space, and have had trouble finding my way back. given the chance, all I do is sleep, and in that sleep, I can’t wake up. I mean literally that I can’t wake up. I feel trapped in places that I don’t recognize, and as I struggle, my body won’t respond.

in the bodies I find myself in those spaces, I can’t speak properly or move properly. it’s like I’m shambling and drunk, losing balance and mumbling words, and recently seemed to be speaking new languages. the recent one wasn’t even speaking, but singing or chanting in words I don’t know. the others in the dream were watching me as I struggled, even laughing, believing me to be, as stated, possibly drunk. I would stumble and fall, and approach a passed out state. in this state, I even started dreaming, but not dreaming as I know.

these dreams were strong and unusual, I saw visions of colors… skies burning… stars falling… geometric shapes converging across the cosmos. I couldn’t begin to interpret what any of it means, but I can start trying. noises were powerful, colors were intense, and everything was moving without evidence of time passing or motion around me. I felt as though I was there, and also not there.

everytime I woke up, my mind wanted to go back, and my body could not fight it. I don’t know what this is, I’ve never had this before, but it is starting to affect my free time. my body is awake, but my brain won’t follow. some days I barely stay conscious and just move like an automaton, repeating patterns I know and behaving how I’m supposed to.

and then the other dream. I’ve become way too invested in the blind spots. the blank spaces move my dreams instead of what the real world tells me. I find myself with her, laughing and smiling, fondly staring at each other, until our lips cautiously meet and the world stops moving. time slows down as we embrace, looking gently in each other’s eyes, our lips dancing hesitantly and shyly touching momentarily at first, and then more intently as our hearts race faster.

we were by a window, moonlight shining palely against her shoulders, hair draped gingerly across hidden areas not explored. her skin presses against mine as we move closer, and my breath is taken away as my eyes painfully lose focus while I’m pulled back to consciousness. she could be under my skin, and I’m falling hard, just like I always do, into something that painfully is not approachable or realistic. I’ve got to pull away from this before I get lost.

but oh how delicate all of it could be, and fighting my own persistence is so difficult. this reminds me so much of that blind time I chased another so untouchable. I feel like that is a moment I keep chasing and haven’t caught. maybe this is the time I can repeat history.

or maybe everything will burn around me as always.