today was rough. i’m not entirely sure why, but everything ached in my soul. so many feelings from the past washed over me and broke me down. the past few days had started feeling painful, and for some reason today just left me feeling utterly sad and broken. i haven’t felt this bad in years, and hope that this ends soon.

holidays often hit me weirdly, and i never know exactly how it is going to go. i kept seeing flashes of the past, and thinking of all the times i didn’t actually feel alone, and just started sinking further and further. i’ve generally been okay being solo, but today, i just felt worthless and like i’d never feel like i had someone to share my life with again. that feeling of spending holidays at home with someone you love, sharing moments in the evenings, or smiles at building memories…they are just completely gone, and i hate it.

i feel like my life ended years ago, and even this alternate timeline path is just leading into nothing. it’s like the chance to have a normal life was left to one single choice, and when that path was broken, it will never open again. that can’t be true though, we don’t have one simple path in life, and surely we have multiple endings, right? every day just feels more and more like my life stopped, and now everything is just moving around me.

and i’m supposed to just let everything go.

this isn’t about letting things go. this is about never being able to forget, and never being able to clear my mind. no one wants to be forced to remember every single bad moment. it’s funny sometimes, that i’m the one that is supposed to be so cold and distant, when it’s really that i’m stuck feeling every single thing all at once, and all the time.

i can’t wait for this holiday to end, and i hope this feeling goes away soon. i don’t think i can handle this if it doesn’t. i don’t want to feel like my heart is constantly broken.