i cut out one of my meds, and i’m having major withdrawals…so much that i can feel it inside my head, i know the difference, i feel off-center, like things are just barely out of tune…and i hear buzzing in my head when i turn quickly…i guess as my current dose is wearing off and wearing down…it’s strange, almost rhythmatic…but unsettling…it’s like i hear fluttering, or hear something moving around, something behind a wall, or rustling through paper…or even scratching…like something is trying to climb inside…never for me to see it. granted it will go away soon, i just hope it does quickly because it’s getting annoying…and i’m sure it will cause me to write things that are just awkward and nonsensical trying to describe what it feels like to hear them. so my mind is on edge, and i want to say things that i dare not, i want to feel things that i care not, and i want to do things that i be’er not. i hurt…tremendously. i hurt in ways that i don’t like to think about, and then i twist my pain into anger and bitterness, and i don’t know if that’s any better for what i want to be…i tell myself i despise people, but i don’t know if i truly do…they’ll never realize the torment they’ve caused, and it isn’t worthwhile to try to make them understand, because it’s useless and it doesn’t matter to them. if it did, none of this would have happened… i want to fucking walk away gracefully, i want to turn my cheek and erase the ideas and experiences i’ve shared with those people…and it’s not going to happen because it’s thrown in my face every day. i should have never trusted either of them, i should have never shown her the things i did because she didn’t deserve them and didn’t respect them. now of course i see what has been chosen, and let it be. i can’t tell you what will happen now, but i can tell you exactly what will come of it…we always go back to what we know best…and for this one, it’s a near replica of the thing she had before…enjoy your fucking holidays that you so love…just wait and see how much your other friends do compared to what you could have had. all of this could have been graceful, but you had to do exactly what was worst for everyone, both of you, and i only wish that you’ll see what it’s like to wallow in your own disgusting filth of what you have become. have you ever looked inside the mirror for so long that you see something different than what started…how your eyes shift, your face becomes nondescript…your reflection is simply a picture on a wall that you’re trying to decipher…and you pick out all the random details that disgust you, the mockeries that shine back at you, the uneasiness of how you feel you must look to everyone else…how anyone could love this face is beyond you…can you look inside your eyes and find yourself afraid to look back? is your soul staring at you from behind the glass or are you staring at your soul? i found you beautiful once, and i found myself beautiful as well…and then i let you crack my mirror, i let you sully the image that i so often saw, when i began looking harder at myself i realized that i wasn’t bright, i wasn’t what my eyes wanted…you caused me doubt. you caused me disbelief. you caused me insecurity…and i will not forget that it happened. i may forgive you, but never will i forget the words you used to make me feel so ashamed, so low, so misfigured…how you “could never marry someone that doesn’t have broad shoulders” and how your simple human fucking words could cause me to reevaluate my entire ESSENCE of being…your trite mockery of exactly all that i am…telling me that i’m not good enough… oh, but i digress…i’m good enough to fuck, but not good enough to love. i so easily forget. i was but a romp waiting to happen…and does that say anything about you? does it even say anything of me? my expressions were of emotion, but apparently i was singular in that expression. yours were simply of lust and gratification, or possibly acceptance…for you to use the one thing that a woman becomes good at. i’ll please you with my body because i’m ashamed of myself, i’m afraid to look in that mirror and stare myself in the eye and believe that i can be different than anyone else around me…i’ll fuck you and pretend you appreciate me…just like i do with the rest of the boys. as i said…quoting marilyn manson…”i never believed the Devil was real, but God couldn’t make someone filthy as you” be wretched, be society’s biggest prize…a girl that has a johnny american boyfriend, one who looks like he could be seen in public with you and not draw unneeded attention…disappear into a sea of faces that only want to be loved, and never know what you’ve passed up. all of you. and to the other…you’re always in my thoughts, you’re plaguing my dreams, i haven’t rid myself of you and apparently i’m not going to. i’m in yours as well, though i know you’ll never admit it, the control won’t allow you to say that you close your eyes and remember what things were like when first we were together. the soft tender skin against your cheek, lips dancing clumsily like kids at prom…the anticipation so delightful that your head fills with a lightness we only read about in fairy tales…how eyes meet once and once again, and something remarkable was noticed…the things we all want to find ourselves swirling in…and soon our eyes will open, and it will all be imagined within our fragile, dainty minds…or we’ll wake up next to our dream, sleeping…breathing…and real. pay attention to how beautiful it is….hearing the undulated breath…the low, quiet beating of the magic drum inside our chests…look how amazing and calm the face is as it’s lying on your pillow next to you…and admire it, hold it, love it…don’t let it slip away as i’ve so often done. i’m forever indebted to all of you, even those of you i hate the most…you’re always the hardest to ignore and forget, and will always be the hardest to erase. i will continue to look at you with disdain, i’ll turn my head or avert my eyes to avoid seeing your glass soul daring me to peek, i’ll pretend you are nothing, and that you never truly existed. and i’ll cry on the inside, knowing only that i was always so easily forgotten.