i think i’m slowly realizing that i’ve lost my one constant in my life.  the one who really “got” me.  the one that knows me so much better than myself.  i look in the mirror, and i’m mostly there, but something is just missing.  it’s been too long to keep looking back, and a big part of me feels that i’m past the lost love…it’s the friendship that i miss.  i hate feeling that she’s dead in my world, that she doesn’t even exist anymore…because she has no place in my life.  it was a steady reminder of how low i’d fallen and how high i’d stood back up, and that reassurance is gone. 

every time i’d hit bottom again, she would be there to tell me i’m not a monster, that i’m not the beast i saw in the mirror…i’m not the thing that has broken so many souls…and i can’t hear that anymore.  others tell me, and it matters…but my heart just won’t believe the words in the same way she told me.  i don’t want to depend on anyone for my self-confidence, but it definitely hurts to not hear it from her.  i have the memories though, and it keeps me believing that i will find another that can lift me above all others, but there are so fucking few of them.  have i shut my eyes to all the angels around me?  can i no longer see their wings?  maybe they’re right in front of me and i choose not to believe, or maybe my heart has grown so cold that i just can’t recognize my own kind anymore.  i’ve only felt that strong connection with a handful since then, and i don’t think those few even realize how strong they are.  it could be my fault, i tend to keep my mouth shut about those vibes and connections…as it only gets me in trouble or gets me hurt again.  one of them i’d found nearly tore me apart, and maybe i’m still not healed from that.  i’d lost everything inside myself after that, and it has taken a tremendous amount of patience and effort to convince myself that i’m not all those things she’d told me, but maybe i’m not there. 

and what of the recent one?  what of her words?  that i should NEVER try to get close to someone again because i’m only going to do the same thing?  what if you’re right?  your words were in anger and sadness, but they came from somewhere.  you have no idea how hard that hit me, i think about it every day.  life and love are both about risks, but how fair is it to know how quickly i can bring you down?  is it still a risk when i know i can hurt you more than you can hurt me?  it could be a facade, perhaps i’ve simply convinced myself that i’ll break you before you’ll break me…and that deep down i’m only scared that i’ll be shattered again and left for dead. 

i’m the one wearing the mask, i’m the one hiding inside what i’ve created.  i’m the romance you’ll dream about, i’m the boy your family will love, i’m the lover that will make you feel things you never knew possible…and i’ll simply hide behind my mask of friendship.  you’ll never know how much easier it is to hide my feelings and attractions than it is to show you what i truly am and what i truly have to offer.  i will never be the best thing you could ever have, but i’ll be the one you’ve always wanted to find.  there are still so many of you that have no idea…i’m just not strong enough to remove my mask yet.  maybe it is safer that i continue wearing it, i only get myself hurt and into trouble by taking it off.