i hurt…more often than you know.  i don’t like the decisions i’ve had to make, i don’t like the person i’ve been and the person i sometimes become.  i never wanted to hurt anyone.  i always do though, and always the ones closest to me.  they never see it, they never see what hides right behind my eyes…the things that drive me insane and keep me pushed away.  i’m not what you know, it’s so much darker than that.  chances are i’ll never tell you, but some of you see it.  i’ve been followed and haunted for a long time, but only THEY pay attention.  some things are better left alone and better left unsaid. 

“i’m filled with an evil that leads me into darkness and when i start this you’ll probly say that i’m heartless”  -twiztid

i hurt.  maybe it’s because i’ll never see her again, maybe it’s because i’ll never talk to her again.  it’s probably for the best, as i always corrupt and destroy things.  i’ll never turn them to gold with my touch, though it may seem that way at first.  you’ll turn sour, you’ll turn to mush, and you’ll turn to bitterness.  when things become so clear, i always rip apart the facade and show you what truth is.  i’ll always cause you pain, i’ll always cause you heartache, and i’ll always cause you to turn away from me in anger.  you will hate me for not being what you believe i am, and i’ll hate myself for never being what you believed i could be.

or maybe i’m just being self-damaging.  i usually am.

i dreamt of her…one that caused me so much torment.  i dreamt of the shallow one, though it’s almost rude of me to call her so, since i’ve tried to reconcile my differences with certain parties.  i don’t know what the dream was about really, i just vaguely remember her smiling at me, holding me, touching me…in ways that i’ve tried to forget.  i don’t like it…i don’t like remembering what things were like before they were so quickly destroyed.  those times only ended in sadness and destruction.  i seem to find myself in a perpetual cycle…one of rebirth and one of redemption…and then it ends in a reduction of who i really am.  i wanted to be happy once…and i thought she could bring those things.  for a moment i was happy, the way she spoke to me, the way she told me how i was “worth the trouble” and the way she told me she missed me.  sometimes i wonder how true it really was…if i was the stepping stone to something greater.  i was left obliterated as they all leave me…the one who led them to what their potential proved them to be.  i’m always the intermediary…the one to catapult them into what they’ve aspired to find.  i’ll be your catalyst.  some days i do wonder…could i have prevented it?  was it my unspoken jealousy that caused the events that transpired?  perhaps my lack of interest in what was going on under my nose?  who knows…who cares…i don’t know if i should.  i do believe though…that i should have ended the moment the instant i got that late night phone call that was full of lies and fallacy.  i heard it in your voice, and i still believed in your goodness and honesty.  i knew your capability…and i mistook it for something else.  shame on you…or shame on me…for not telling you to leave my world that night.

and the other dream…i haven’t found the words to talk about it…though i mentioned it to amber.  i cried.  i haven’t cried for anyone since the time i responded to she shehag’s email…the one that showed so much emotion and heart…though i must question the validity of all such claims.  i dreamt of a being…in the dream she was an animal…a wolf…perhaps a dog.  perhaps a shapeshifter…though i don’t know.  i only remember feeling so much love and so much friendship…yet when a person close to me tried to touch and feel this animal…it growled.  the creature growled and snarled, and i felt it ready to attack and pounce on someone close to me.  i told the person to leave the room, to release his grasp and friendly touch, so that i may soothe the beast.  he left the room, and the thing looked at me with bright yellow eyes…as yellow as the full moon that shone above us…and i saw beauty in the madness.  this thing was primal and dangerous, yet i tried to tame it and keep it.  i left the room…and spoke to my mother i believe it was, about the events that just happened.  i’m not sure how or why, but apparently the beast had been rescued from some type of shelter…and i don’t fully understand if this was a beast or a woman…and the advice was simply to return the creature to the place i’d acquired it.  at this moment i’d walked toward the stairs to say goodbye to the thing i tried to keep…and she stood at the top of the stairs as a female…smiling at me…and she told me that everything was ok now, everything was better…that the incident had passed.  she was fine…and it wouldn’t happen again.  she told me she would be ready to leave in a couple of hours, and i told her it must be within 30 minutes…because i knew i must return her to where she came.  i didn’t tell her why…i smiled and walked away.  on my way down the stairs i saw the sister of the creature, and i put my hands around her arms in caring and in confidence…and explained what happened.  she saw beyond my eyes, she knew what i was going to say.  i told her something had happened…and simply said that “i must give her back…but it’s going to kill me…”  and as i spoke the words “it’s going to kill me” i burst into a fit of tears that i’ve not felt in several years…it felt so real and so emotional…my heart shook, my words faltered…and my heart broke.  she pulled me close to comfort me, and in that moment my phone rang and woke me up.  i felt fine when my eyes opened, but i felt the sadness in my heart.  perhaps i’ve longed to feel this way, because it hasn’t happened in ages.  there’s only one person that’s truly made my soul shrink and my heart crack…and those times are long gone.  the thing i felt in my dream felt like her, it felt like that…the pain that i haven’t seen because maybe i’ve shielded myself from it.  my heart broke as i spoke those words in the dream…and i think a part of me desires that emotion…part of me wants to feel the total annihilation of my love and compassion.  i want to feel a love so strong that it can shake my very foundation of who i truly am…something to make me FEEL again.  i’ve hid it from myself…and i’ve blamed this feeling on an older one from the past…but that last person that hurt me so badly made me feel something i’d forgotten.  as much as i try to hide and destroy the connection, the one i call shallow truly made me feel alive in ways that i’d forgotten for several years.  kudos to her for bringing it out…even with as much distaste as i hold for her and the events that followed.  i don’t think the dream was about her or anyone else…simply a recollection of what i’m capable of feeling.

i’m allowing a lot of bad things to happen by even mentioning that…but there’s no use hiding from it.  some things are better left in the past…but hiding skeletons will only allow them to come after me in the future.  it’s better to give them life and release them now than to face them in the future. 

i’ve dreamt of many things recently…not all of them i should share…but there have been things that remind me of better times…times that were leading me to where i want to be.  i want to blame myself for all of my misgivings but that’s unfair.  it was never entirely my fault.  i led those people to do the things they did, without my influence they’d never have happened.  as i said, i’m the catalyst.  i’ve not always propelled myself into happiness, but i’ve propelled myself into the path i should be taking.  never will i believe that a single person will be the thing to bring me comfort and consolation, i must find that within myself.  it’s hard…so hard…and i want to fall back on the feet of those who have stood beside me to make me whole, but they’ve never been the answer.  it has always been inside of me, i’m the one i must depend on to stay strong and to keep going.  in the end…everyone leaves, everyone dies, and everyone has their own agenda.  i can only hope that mine can coexist with someone elses.  i have the potential to make someone happier…and if not, at least i can give them a lesson they’ll not soon forget.  the damage i’ve caused to those i’ve loved has at least been valuable in leading them toward where they now stand.  i’ll always be your inspiration, even if it kills me in the process.  you’ll need me to walk you to where you can stand alone, and if i end up standing beside you…i’ll smile at you the same as i smiled when i first met you.  perhaps you’ll be a different person the next time i see you, perhaps you’ll have some vague memory of me from years ago…maybe you’ll remember me as someone from your distant past that you just can’t recollect…or maybe you’ll remember me as the one who held your hand as you reached the pinnacle of what you have become.  stand tall, stand proud…stand as if you’ve deserved what you’ve achieved.  you do deserve it…i’ve only wanted the best for all of you that i’ve touched…whether you’ve loved me, hated me, or simply forgotten all about me.  i’ll always be the one smiling at you in the back of the crowd, whether you choose to remember me or not.