a random click took me to this post for some reason, so here it is…a visit to the past.

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so what the hell is attraction? is it the yearning to be close to someone? is it the yearning to fuck someone? is it the yearning to elicit an emotion?

…..or could it be something utterly superficial that is only related to our own subjective vision of aesthetics….who knows.

i believe i’ve ran into a few epiphanies lately that i’m obviously going to share.

i have had many conversations with a friend lately concerning relationships, and it really made me think alot about how i used to act/react in the past, and at times it makes me want to cry (if only on the inside) to see how horrible i must have been to certain people. and no, this is not a guilt trip or a self-loathing post, i simply have been able to see a bit clearer what type of creature i was portraying. was i really SO detached and unresponsive as people have told me? i guess at first when people told me that they thought crystal and i acted more like “friends” than boyfriend/girlfriend i wanted to brush it off and just think that maybe our attitudes portrayed otherwise…but it seems that the ATTITUDE was the base of why people told me. sometimes things go beyond a simple hug, a touch of the hand, a slight kiss on the cheek, or even a hand on the shoulder…sometimes they are as heartfelt as a loving stare, a longing in the heart that emanates into the air, or even just a smile at the face of the one you love…and how FUCKING EASY these things can be at times to show, and yet we refuse to do so, or pretend that we don’t know how to express ourselves…of course psychology dictates that we are a (pseudo) product of our environment, and we respond the way in which we know best, be it affectionate or non-affectionate…but love and care are bases of our personality that everyone has, and i am under the heavy belief that ALL of us are able to express SOMETHING to another person. think of the person at the receiving end that never sees those eyes they love staring back at them, the shivers of passion swelling down their body as their lover comes close to them and breathes in their soul…. fucking show someone you care and love them!!

i TRULY am grateful for that girl walking out of my life, for i am now able to understand what i have done and what i want to do. her path and goals were not in line with my own, and i am slowly realizing that i’m better able to walk on my own two feet with the knowledge that i have gained. i can see full circle the person i was and the person i had become, and with that experience, i can see the type of person i am striving to be now, and the person i hope to stay. i was as detached as my zodiac would allow, the mind of a dreaming Aquarius that roamed freely and cared nothing of what the other world felt because of that escape…i shut myself off so deeply that i don’t think i even felt my own pain and anguish, let alone my own happiness. hardly would i admit that the thought of that union ending had once crossed my mind, and i can’t say it was because of a situation, perhaps it was my own personal omen trying to help me notice the incurring damage i was causing. i turned my back on that side of me, i do not want to return to that side of my life and personality again….i want to continue to feel SOMETHING, if only for a fleeting moment at a time.

among the many things that i have begun to understand, another was my path of the “friend” that i’m always on, and that i constantly saw this as a negative path, and the more i am able to focus on it, i’m starting to believe that perhaps it’s best. i have numerous complications of the flesh and of the mind that i could hardly explain in the short amount of time that one has within a conversation….there are so many things to say that cannot be a summation or pressed into brevity. i am a mass of confusion and derelict thoughts at times, and i preemptively give praise to any of those who make true effort to listen and comprehend some of the things i divulge about myself. i am easy to like, easy to love, and overlooked to be in love with. anyone can be my friend, and there seems to exist an extremely miniscule line between friendship and relationship. my more recent experiences with such things have shown me that within two hours of conversation i have usually crossed that line, and once that line is passed from one side to the other, there is no changing sides. i inevitably make a better friend than lover to 90% of the world i experience, and while at first is disheartening and depressing, the idea has increasingly become more bearable and understandable. if i can soak someone’s melancholy and give them a smile in return, then perhaps i’m doing better for them this way. and sure, it hurts to think i might make someone happy and they in turn go home to someone else and express that love and emotion while i go home alone, i can find some serenity in knowing that i’ve at least helped, if only for a singular moment.

my mind has starting melting, and thoughts are fleeting…i do fear that i might lose myself in the eyes of something that i can’t touch. please, someone help keep my feet on the ground and my heart inside my chest.

some things are never meant to be grasped, some hearts are never meant to be felt. i’m not an option in those eyes.

and of the comments i’ve heard, i have felt some confusion…i’ve not been told i’m attractive recently, the words that have been used are adorable, cute, and beautiful….hearing those words from women tend to make me blush and feel embarassed….i’m not sure how to respond. even as recent as saturday night i saw an old face that i hadn’t seen in years and she told me i looked beautiful. perhaps they aren’t speaking of the exterior.

alas, i’ve lost true direction of thought forming into words, and so i end.

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http://flitzanu.livejournal.com/132083.html

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also…in added interest and totally irrelevant, With Teeth was released 5/3/05. yes, that’s really what i’m listening to.

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Kaycee Johnson
Do explain. Im a little confused.
Reply3 years ago

She B
too long, cant read
Reply3 years ago