i’m fucking worn out.
how bold of a statement is that? i’m mentally and physically thin. so much shit has happened over the past 4 months…good and bad…
“so impressed with all you do, tried so hard to be like you”
it almost reminds me of a time back in 99 when everything was just breaking all around me, and i wanted to break along with it. for some reason i can’t…i don’t have the passion to cry. some days it just sits at the brink…but never flows. i don’t have any comparisons to that time frame, just…that’s about how i feel. helpless…distant…apathetic…i had all my cd’s stolen back then, and i had only the Left cd of The Fragile, and i listened to “Somewhat Damaged” over and over, and it just rang so gawdamn true, and i’m just sitting here doing the same thing right now.
“in the back, off the side, far away is a place, where i hide, where i stay. tried to say, tried to ask, i needed to, all alone, by myself, where were you? how could i ever think, it’s funny how everything they swore it wouldn’t change is different now. just like you would always say we’ll make it through, then my head fell apart, and where were you? how could i ever think, it’s funny how, everything you swore would never change is different now…how you said, you and me, make it through, didn’t quite…fell apart…where the fuck were you?”
i just don’t know. part of me just wants to break, i want to crack…but i can’t. i’ve had to be the beacon for someone i love, and now i’m faltering, and i don’t think the image i’m giving is very positive. i’ve been the strongest i think i’ve ever been over these few months, and it has been probably the toughest times i’ve dealt with but in such a positive way. i wouldn’t trade or compromise the things that have happened…but i don’t know that i’ve really shown just how tough it has been for me. i’ll find my place…but in doing so i just fear that i’m going to let the apathetic monster inside me find the light again. i’m not sure how well i can control it, and it terrifies me that i’ll hurt people with it. constantly i’ve struggled between apathy and empathy, and i’ve never found the perfect balance. either i’m too open and emotional, or i’m too detached and distant. i’ve watched all my mistakes and i’ve been minding the past so i can learn, but i just hope i can pull this off this time.
the words of someone close to me just ring so true…about how i’ve always been the rock for so many people, and maybe i just need someone to be there for me the same as i’m there for them. they’re wise words.
still, part of me feels that if i just allow myself to break down i’ll be able to move past all of this, that i need to crack in order to mend. there is something inside me that wants and needs to come out, and for once in a long time…i haven’t been able to make it happen.
damage me. hurt me. make me feel insignificant and worthless, my despondence shall become my beauty. your defamatory words and your anger may be the catalyst to push me over the precipice i’ve walked for such a long time…
shatter my emotions so i can rebuild my shell into perfection again…