You’re dangerous.  Your dark eyes…your fluttering eyelashes…you have always seen deeper than the others.  You’re in my head…you’ve never left.  Not a day has gone by since we’ve met that I haven’t thought of you at least in passing, and so often I stop and dwell in moments we’ve shared.  I remember our first meeting at Quiznoson 15^th Street when you bought me lunch…and how you said how we picked such a great place because if we could eat messy food in front of each other, we’d definitely go far.  All the lunches we had at Fridays, all the times you’d meet me at the mall…how often I was always late and you always waited for me… I never realized so many simple things would eventually mean so much.

So quickly we became good friends…we learned so much about each other, all our secrets…all our desires…you became the new constant I’d always wanted and I never realized it.  You know me better than anyone, better even than the one I lost so long ago.  And therein is MY wish…MY dream…to know that it was possible for someone to get that close again, for someone to accept all that I am, for someone to stick by my side KNOWING everything about me…even my ugly side.  No one knows me as well as you, and I’m not afraid.  I’m not scared of you.  I’m not worried that you could destroy me with all you know.  I’m not concerned that you will break me and disappear as the others have done.  You stand by me because you choose to, not because of obligation.  You are my ultimate blessing and I know you will never betray me.

It’s been so hard for me to trust anyone since “her” and without even realizing it, I’ve trusted you all along.  You’ve never shown me contempt and you’ve never given me reason to question your intentions.  Do you know how hard it is for me to admit that I TRUST you completely?  Regardless of vulnerability, I’ve never felt I could say that about anyone.  I question all those that touch my heart, but with you, it was automatic that you were pure.  Always with a smile, always with a laugh, and always with a friendly heart you would hug me and talk with me…and never has there been a shred of deceit or malicious intent.  I can’t say that about the others.  You are, and always will be, held in grace above all others.

And for once…I feel that I understand someone, that I get someone, that I can follow them without fear or confusion.  We’ve gotten much closer over the past couple of months, and I’ve watched you through some of the highest and lowest times we’ve been near each other…and as arrogant as it is to say, I feel I’m figuring it out.  There are times I feel there is distance, and there are times I feel that there is a desire for me to not be around…but I don’t think that’s what is going on.  You want me there, you know I’m there…you don’t even have to say it.  The times I think you may be acting short or curt with me…it’s because you’re stressed…and you already know I’m by your side waiting.  I don’t have to tell you, and I’ve realized I don’t need to repeat myself.  You don’t want me to TELL you I’m there, you want me to see that you KNOW it.  You want me to be strong enough to see that I’m by your side and that’s all that matters to you…I don’t have to speak, I don’t have to make you smile, I don’t have to entertain you.  You don’t want me to make you feel better.  You don’t want me to offer my solace time and time again, you want me to be secure enough to know that you aren’t always going to be smiling and fun…you want me to know that there’s a part of you that wants to be quiet…distant…and detached.  You want me to be there unconditionally, whether or not we are having fun…you just want the comfort of knowing I’m sitting in the same room with you, or the comfort to know I’m on the other side of the phone whenever you need my words or my voice.  I’m realizing this…and that in itself is so confusing…I don’t think I’ve ever felt that way before.  I’ve never had so much comprehension and steadfastness with anyone.  I’m always the one to be vocal and to try and pull others out of their darkness, but that’s not what you want…and I am seeing it and doing my best to respect it and be what you want in those times.  You are showing me a path I’ve never taken before.  You are showing me a part of me that I didn’t know was there…the part that can trust that it isn’t “me” that is part of the problem…but part of the solution.  I’m walking in unknown territory now, and I’ll gladly keep walking in the darkness if it means I’ll find true understanding.  Never before have I built such a strong friendship with a person…one that without words we can completely understand one another…one where communication isn’t limited to speaking but where everything can be expressed with no verbal communication at all.

So often as I’m standing near you I want to reach out and grab you…to feel your hands against mine…your head against my shoulder…your arms gracefully folded around me.  I think of the fleeting times our lips have touched and shudder…so slight yet so intense…the anticipation has been murder, and at least that small part of my dream has ultimately come to pass.  I can sleep at night knowing my strongest dream has come true…I can live knowing that I’ve tasted the most delicious passion I’ve imagined…I can die knowing that the stars have shone on me in my darkest moment and pulled me safely out of it.

“I feel like I could fly when I stand next to you.”

I want to find you sitting next to me, laughing, watching tv, talking, or simply “being.”  I want to look in your eyes and watch you smile…and watch you shyly turn your head away…I want to find you thinking the same things that I am (which often you do) and I want the butterflies in my stomach to continue to be overwhelming.  I want to gently place my hand on your cheek as I continue staring in your eyes…to slowly lean in and press my lips against your forehead…to kiss you slowly down the side of your face…to feel you arch your head backwards and gasp as I softly kiss along your neck…my hands gently tracing down your shoulders and planting firmly on your hips… I want to move both hands lightly upwards from your hips across your back, stopping on your shoulders…to pull you in closely to me.  I want to pull you close enough to feel  your heart beating…your chest rhythmically rising as your breath increases…to change the gentle kissing of your neck to modest nibbling as I make my way back up to your cheek, over to the side of your chin…to delicately touch my lips against yours…starting with your bottom lip…and gracefully nudging upward until our lips are fully pressed together…  And now as your heart is beating with mine, our nervousness matching…our gasping timed perfectly with each other…we remain in one strong embrace, lips together…passion heating…only breaking to struggle for breath…and once again, my hand upon your cheek I will slowly slide away from you, only to stare back into your eyes…sweetly moving the stray hair back behind your ear that has fallen during our moment of expression…my eyes telling you so intently that my heart beats for you…and that my patience is infinite…and that all of the waiting is definitely worth it.

My Lashes…you are my masterpiece.

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Random
You know, people would think I needed medication if I posted as much as you. Why are you ‘cool’ and I’m ‘sick’?
Reply(1)4 years ago

Daniel Self
who ever said it is sick to post blogs? isn’t that the point?
4 years ago