so little words over so much time. i’ve lost my muse…i’ve lost any muse…and i keep letting it stifle me. of course, there are some things that just can’t be formed into words, but the soul needs to express. my soul needs to express. for some reason something tonight has pulled my strings and made me so very sad, and i can’t seem to shake it.

perhaps it’s the stagnation in my life…the glaring fact that i’ve done absolutely nothing different to change my paces over the past 3 years. perhaps it’s realizing that it seems my chances have all been dealt and damaged and that this is the only walk i’m left to have. but, is that true? do we have only those few chances to find the right direction we were “meant” to be following? i’d love to believe that our options are infinite…but in this less than fortuitous time of mine, it certainly seems that options are fleeting.

oh, but would things be so different? such is the conundrum…would i be content, or even “happy” right now with paths going differently? or, would i still feel the same dark, oppressive urge to crawl away from all those things that tried to control and mold me? then again…maybe i created all of those things and perpetrated all those scenarios to make myself feel differently about the outcomes of all those broken hearts and busted egos.

never have i had such freedom to become this…facade…and still maintain a decent relationship. they’ve never understood, and i’m still left wondering if anyone ever would. can i still be “this” while being “that”?

the one thing i do know, though, is that separation is devastating. i know that the inevitable awareness of our own mortality is devastating. the unnerving feeling that everyone we hold dear is going to grow old and disappear…is also devastating. our sum of experiences all leads to devastation…be it our own, or be it forcing others to go through it.

something different must be out there somewhere, not to be found with hope, but found by exhausting all possible avenues. i want to love this time of year again. it’s so emotionally draining that all my beautiful memories are wrapped around these dark, cold months, and that i’m still facing them alone and with no more answers than those with which i started.

maybe i let you hold me back.

maybe though, just maybe, i needed you to hold me back.