it’s been too long. my plan last night was to get drunk and release all the tension, thoughts, madness and emotion from my head last night, but i fell asleep early, so we’re gonna try this the sober way. perhaps tomorrow i can perpetuate the drunken state and make more sense of things. so daniel, what are you thinking? well…i’m thinking too much obviously. first things first, the dream last night…it included several people that i care about, most of it is fuzzy though. i checked with one of the people and they were ok, i pictured her in a lot of emotional pain and she was crying to me…but it was simply a miscreated vision. the other part…well, of course it deals with the one most pertinent on my mind, the one that is unreachable and out of grasp. it was almost funny, like, i was dreaming in the dream of what happened…i don’t remember details but i just remember we were out somewhere, i believe i was leaning against a railing of some sort, perhaps a fence or something. i was hugging her, like, her head was pressed under my chin against my chest and we were talking but i don’t know what we were talking about. i sorta “dozed off” in the dream i think, and evidently muttered those 3 strange words, and then she repeated them back, and it startled me like, i didn’t realize i said it…kinda like “what did you say?” and then i tried to explain that i had nodded off and didn’t know what i was saying, but it didn’t seem to matter. it was meaningful and more innocent than it would sound i suppose. great, i just realized i grabbed my empty pack of cigs…now i have to get up… ok now to continue. i’m feeling a little silly, i’m chasing a star and i’m just gonna burn my hands as always. no, this isn’t self-loathing so shut the fuck up about it sounding depressing and melancholy, i’m just stating my opinion. i think i’ve dreamt of her in some fashion several days this week, always slight and insignificant though, never much truly on the surface. i guess it’s incriminating enough that i would even see her face while i’m sleeping. i picture so much distance in her eyes, it seems she has allowed herself to believe so many things that don’t need to be, and of course it’s always easier to see from the outside. things that are comfortable are the hardest to step away from. i’ve been asked if i’m jealous of others…well, of course i am, i swallow that pride more than anything else. i suppose i feel so repressed about what i have to offer…and then to be so limited just because of archtypal beliefs of what someone should be to fit inside a mold…i try to be as human as everyone else, i tend to have the same emotions and the same responses, but i will never admit to it…i want to separate myself so much from the other “guys” out there but it doesn’t seem to make a difference to most. it’s only those random few that open their doors and let me touch their true heart, and i’d like to say that they’ve at least felt SOMETHING from me…i think it’s getting easier as time goes on though, the constant search for someone to actually FEEL something around…the last recent one was stacey, my aquarian twin, but i just don’t think we were ever meant to be “in love” as we wanted. and of course before that, we have the she-hag…the one that left me damaged to the point i felt i wouldn’t repair…but i did. i won’t say that time heals all, i say that resilience to pain heals all. people question my motives for hurting myself with piercing and tattooing, but until you’ve felt that ridiculous feeling of “i’m never going to be good enough for anyone” then you wouldn’t understand i guess…as i’ve increased my tolerance, my emotional tolerance seems to grow. i can be rejected…and i can have a needle shoved through my body and the physicality is much more intense than the emotional…it keeps me even i guess, in some sick way. i’ve said it before, and i’ll say it again, i’ll watch you fucking fall, and i’ll always be the one standing there to pick you up. i have limitless persistence and infinite fucking patience… now maybe i can cleanse my head… daniel…make up your mind…choose something, notice something, feel something…those that catch my eyes usually have beauty that everyone would notice…and once past that the cosmic rolls into play…i’m not going to settle for something or someone, i’ll get what i want, and i won’t take anything less. i see something in your eyes, there is something in your heart, something in your soul…and i can’t ignore it. it puts me in a bad position because i’ve said similar things before, and i can only say the words that i think it’s something uniquely different and that i haven’t felt this type of surge and this type of emotion in quite some time…i’m drawn to your charge, your beauty, your bright glow…and you terrify me. i didn’t think i would be able to see something so blinding inside another person again, or perhaps i told myself it wouldn’t be possible..but now i’m seeing it and it makes me stammer in thought and speech. my heart jumps when i see you, it flutters when i hear your laughter and see your smile…i shiver when i stare into your eyes…you’ve infected my essence with your remarkable personality…and your eyes…you hold me under your power. i wish i could be the one to make you happy, i wish i could be the one to make you feel secure, i wish i could be the one you depend on…it’s a blessing to know you. perhaps i should have kept my mouth shut on that starry night, but something urged me to speak, and i can’t fight my instinct, no matter how dangerous it might be, and even for it to cause such complication or repercussion within my heart… if your lips were poison, i’d gladly suffer the consequences if even for the slightest moment…