i suppose i’ve gained a bit more self-control with my words, somehow it “means” more this time…i worry that i’ll say the wrong thing and just end up hearing all the negative issues concerning our “relationship” as it were…i’ll say something too nice or too intimate and then i’m reminded how i’m still so far away from the closeness that i’d like to have. well, time holds me prisoner, i can only wait and see who comes to visit my cell. sure i already know the issues, sometimes i just don’t like to have them shown to me so many times. part of me likes to dwell in the illusion that i truly matter to you as much as you might matter to me…things are strong, feelings are strong, connections are strong…at times all i want is the disbelief that it might “be me.” i see new things every day, so many small, trivial things that others probably wouldn’t even care to notice…just the little nuances people take for granted…you bought “us” champagne for new years eve, you bought me a corkscrew for the next time we have wine… i like that you have become comfortable with me and the way things are…i can only say that this is a pretty strong estimation of how “things would be” if they were to progress to a different level. it was fairly amusing watching everyone trying to flirt with you when we went out, men aren’t great at being subtle…the way the fucking turn their heads 90 degress to watch you walk by them and such, like it’s a compliment for a guy to gawk at you like a starving animal and you’re the fresh meat…oh and lets not forget the two guys you knew, all i can say is “schooze” and “heyyyy i wannna thheeee youuuuouuuu….” maybe girls don’t notice the way guys do. i think it’s hilarious. sure, it was a tad uncomfortable to think that you MIGHT fall for it, but i have higher faith in you. that and i knew you were going home with me that night, so it just made me laugh to watch such a strong effort… i like how you aren’t afraid to come play on my computer if i’m stuck on the phone or getting ready or something, you’re really making yourself at home when you come over…you are opening up just a little each time and trying to explore my eccentric world…just don’t let yourself think you’ll understand it, i hardly understand much of it myself. i like how you have started saying “we” instead of “you” or “me.” i won’t take it to mean anything, sure, i know the familiar disclaimer…it’s nice that some type of partnership is at least verbalized and noticed. “we” can do this, what should “we” eat for dinner, “lets” do this, can “we” go here…it’s subtle but it really strikes my heart and makes me smile. i like the way you run your fingers through my hair. it’s simple. no thick explanation for it, i like the contact. i like that you have started asking me for things, like taking you to change your oil…i’m glad you’re comfortable enough to do that. along those lines you’ve let me do things for you with less argument, like buying you food or drinks. i like you being supportive of what i’m doing. you’re being supportive of me starting to work out, you’re getting better about dealing with my nosering and clothes…i know it’s hard for you… i like that you’ve started making plans with me, like for the wedding, for the next bday party, for MY bday party… i’m getting tired and losing track of my thoughts….maybe later…. your lips are soft, your skin is smooth…your eyes glow so brightly…your smile shines into my heart…i feel so at home and at peace when we’re in each others embrace…