so many fucking things that were said, maybe i didn’t want to face them at the time, but now the more i think on them, i don’t want to miss them either… everytime i see a scary movie advertise i think of you, and how i want to watch them with YOU and no one else…someone who shares my interest… anytime i walk outside at night and see the stars, i’m reminded of you. i find cute little trinkets when i go in stores…mini stickers, notepads, cutesy things…and want to buy them for you and know that i can’t. today, sunday, is killing me inside because our one special thing that i felt we had was watching Desperate Housewives, and i can’t face never doing it again. then of course we have Tuesday…new dvd release day, which we had started sharing, we would watch the new movies i bought…and laugh and smile, or shiver and shriek…and i don’t want that to disappear. you mentioned the Ren Faire, something i hadn’t even considered…you’re the one that gave me inspiration to physically better myself, and by doing so i’ll be able to fit in my costume again, and i wish it was something we could share…the Masquerade Ball and all…we both love dressing up… and God how you cried telling me “i wanted to teach you weight lifting” as though it meant so much to you, i never knew it was something that special…you wanted to share that experience with me… you know the reason i wanted to learn Origami, and i was also hoping it was a hobby that both of us could take up together, it would be more time to share doing something fun…together…it was so cute watching you try to make those animals that night… picking out your entertainment center…i want to be the one to help you with it, to help put it together, to help you organize your room…i already helped you with the bed set… and i know you had difficult feelings about me teaching you to play chess…that was something that was meant to be special from someone else and i don’t think you were ready to replace that feeling, not yet, but still i want it to be me to show you… and i hated admitting it, i wanted to work out with you…merely something else to share, but i wanted to be selfish and not open myself up to you about it, i wanted you to say “i want to work out with YOU” and i should have said what was on my mind i’ve already said how difficult it is to see your name on my IM list and not talk to you…and to know you’re only an elevator away, i can come see you and you would make me smile and feel better…but something had to get in the way… all the inspiration you have given me to start writing again, even the smallest things…and maybe there were some things i should have kept private, but i wanted you to know all my secrets and all my feelings because otherwise i’d never admit them in person lets not forget your “to do lists” you’d leave me for my chores…cleaning my house in some small attempt to impress you… i felt special once when you made me dinner, even more special when we cooked together on xmas eve…it was a wonderful time and i could never replace that memory, and i’d hate to watch it fade…but it started hurting me more when i knew i wasn’t the only one being cooked for…i’m selfish and wanted to be treated differently… every day at 3pm i miss doing our xword puzzle…i never knew i appreciated the time that much. not to mention going to lunch together. walking you out to your car every day…especially in the rain…hugging you and saying goodbye… i’ve never had a girl pluck my eyebrows…and now i may never again. of course there are so many other things that have been filling my head, images of you getting ready in front of the mirror, looking at my phone knowing you were going to call and having it ring seconds later, me falling asleep with my phone on my chest knowing it would wake me up when you called, seeing you sitting at my computer playing Snood while i would get ready, holding your hair back for you when you washed your face…so many things happened in such a short time and i can’t feel comfortable knowing that i’ve erased you from my life and mind.