….i hate this. i hate feeling like this, i hate reacting like this. i don’t know what feels real anymore and what is just a rudimentary reaction… i’ll miss you. i do, i will, i always have. it’s hard to push things out of my midn when i know that something happened when i first saw her. i felt something, i don’t kno wwhat it was, maybe it was just the reckoning for a lesson that needed to be learned…or perhaps it was something more. i should have said something, i should have typed something…i should have made note about the first time i saw the creature that now holds so much resentment for me and that i resent so much….there is only so much bitterness between us. we still hold on to something carnal that neither of us want to remove..neither of us want to erase and ignore. i’m still here…i still feel the pangs of damage when i see her, and i know some part of her reacts the same way…things just aren’t right anymore. things aren’t the way they are supposed to be. only in drunkenness do we admit things to ourselves… you want me, you miss me, you feel something so deep that you can’t fully absolve yourself from it…and neither can i. i want to have hate, i want to have bitterness and pain…and for some reason i can’t allow myself to feel everything i want and need to feel. things are stiill floating on the surface and things are still connected to those parts that i don’t want to feel. you miss me. you think of me. you notice me. you want things to stay channeled and open… you want things to be peaceful. want me, touch me, need me, taste me…all you have to do is call, all you have to do is close your eyes and reach out your hands…i haven’t flown far enough away to abandon all hope. both of us have an internal struggle that is hard to fight and win…things always seem to lead back to one thing…and we are both simply fighting what we don’t wish to see. open your fucking eyes…look and see what you are so afraid to pay attention to… i’m a heartbeat away, a dreams eye distance…a thought in the past that will haunt you for a long time. you’ve seen something that you’re not ready to face, and i don’t blame you for wanting to run from everything….i want to disbelieve it as well….. play your role you need to play right now, and i’ll play mine. i’m always going to harbor the same emotion that once manifested itself on those long nights we shared…