I had a dream I told my family that I was undergoing something and that I could likely die.

Happy birthday, to the old friend that hugely influenced the monster I’ve become. 🙂

from May, 2011.  Jesus this makes me hurt with how true this rings every day and every year of my life.

—–

“You’re incredible,” she whispers. “It’s like I’ve always known you, the way you found the exact things I like without me ever telling you. All those secret places that I love to be kissed, the hidden areas I enjoy being touched lightly…somehow you just knew. I’ve never felt so comfortable in someone’s arms as I do right now, and it terrifies me. YOU terrify me. My heart flutters when I see you, I smile when I see your name on my phone, and my soul aches when I’m not with you. Kiss me again and tell me you’ll never leave me, Daniel. Hug me and tell me we are amazing and that we are going to live forever. Hold me make the world disappear around us. Kiss me again.”

Now crying, she whimpers “Please don’t wake up, Daniel, please. Don’t open your eyes because I can’t stand to lose you again. Your soul is so broken and so destroyed, and yet you were always there for me…for all of us…without hesitation. I took you for granted, I think we all did. I smiled a guilty smile when I watched you fall so far from grace; I coyly laughed while you suffered. I can never take it back, and apologizing is never enough. But that’s not what you want…you don’t want anything from me…because nothing will ever replace how I made you feel. Nothing will hide what any of us made you feel. Yet through all your pain, you’ll still accept me. Why? Do I deserve it? You terrify me because you are an expectation I’m never going to reach…kiss me again and please don’t wake up.”

“I love you,” she cries. “I’m going to remember you forever. Even now, even so far away, you’re never far from my mind. I only wish I could understand you. I only wish that I could understand the darkness you hide. I want to see past the storms behind your eyes. This is the only place now that you feel safe, and the only place you ever smile anymore. I know it kills you to come here, and often kills you more to have to leave…this is the last place our souls can still dance together the way they were meant to be. Please don’t open your eyes, Daniel, please not yet. Please don’t stop dreaming. You never remember me when you wake up, and I don’t want to lose you tonight. I’m not ready to stop dancing, pull me closer. Kiss me again, one last time bef…”