someone really needs to hide my keyboard and phone from me when i’m drunk…

….i hate this. i hate feeling like this, i hate reacting like this. i don’t know what feels real anymore and what is just a rudimentary reaction… i’ll miss you. i do, i will, i always have. it’s hard to push things out of my midn when i know that something happened when i first saw her. i felt something, i don’t kno wwhat it was, maybe it was just the reckoning for a lesson that needed to be learned…or perhaps it was something more. i should have said something, i should have typed something…i should have made note about the first time i saw the creature that now holds so much resentment for me and that i resent so much….there is only so much bitterness between us. we still hold on to something carnal that neither of us want to remove..neither of us want to erase and ignore. i’m still here…i still feel the pangs of damage when i see her, and i know some part of her reacts the same way…things just aren’t right anymore. things aren’t the way they are supposed to be. only in drunkenness do we admit things to ourselves… you want me, you miss me, you feel something so deep that you can’t fully absolve yourself from it…and neither can i. i want to have hate, i want to have bitterness and pain…and for some reason i can’t allow myself to feel everything i want and need to feel. things are stiill floating on the surface and things are still connected to those parts that i don’t want to feel. you miss me. you think of me. you notice me. you want things to stay channeled and open… you want things to be peaceful. want me, touch me, need me, taste me…all you have to do is call, all you have to do is close your eyes and reach out your hands…i haven’t flown far enough away to abandon all hope. both of us have an internal struggle that is hard to fight and win…things always seem to lead back to one thing…and we are both simply fighting what we don’t wish to see. open your fucking eyes…look and see what you are so afraid to pay attention to… i’m a heartbeat away, a dreams eye distance…a thought in the past that will haunt you for a long time. you’ve seen something that you’re not ready to face, and i don’t blame you for wanting to run from everything….i want to disbelieve it as well….. play your role you need to play right now, and i’ll play mine. i’m always going to harbor the same emotion that once manifested itself on those long nights we shared…

hi…i’m the victim..i feel so upset and uncomfortable…and you’re the single cause of it. since you’re the one to blame for making me feel this way, i’m going to be sure and be in your face as much as possible, especially when i don’t have to because i’m selfish and it only matters if I’M upset, i don’t give a shit how i make you feel.

had lunch with nadine and irvina today…nadine’s last day. it was nice…it will be sad to watch her leave, she’s always been nice to me.

last night was awesome…i got to dress up and actually go celebrate st pattys day with other people celebrating st pats day…lots of people wearing crazy hats and crazy shirts, i was one of about 3 or 4 wearing a kilt. it was a great time…just like last year. we went to the same place last year (arnies) and saw tons of people. i saw SO many people this year too…and different ones than last year so that was cool. i saw a lot of folks from high school, mostly younger ones that recognized me, saw a few that were older…i saw some people from the old clubs, had a few people recognize my picture and face from my journal….saw some of the girls that work at the gym, they were kissing people that had anything saying “kiss me i’m irish” which my boxers said that…so. i had a lot of comments for my outfit, several people just asking what clan and such, and so many people asking “what’s under it” but of course it was too cold last night to go traditional. they had a small folk band, mostly country-ish music in a tent, but they also had a small pipe band too, so we got to hear some Celtic music…a little bagpipes, a little drums…good stuff. on st pattys day, EVERYONE is irish. i feel sorry for people that didn’t get to go to an irish bar last night…and especially those that didnt get to really do anything but sit at home…i had fun for you though. maybe next time.

posted more pics of me before i left for st pats day last night, dressed to the T. check my photo album.

ok, i don’t remember a whole lot of detail, i just remember being somewhere and running into her at a party or a store or something weird. she was alone, and we talked like normal and were both really excited to see each other. the emotions started running high and we hugged and smiled a lot…then she wanted me to come home with her…which of course was a bad idea with the situation going on but i did…the smile she gave me and the way her hand felt inside mine…i couldn’t resist. so we make it back to her house…for some reason she stripped me down, i remember being like “wtf hey!” but not really fighting it…then she did the same thing…so we just kinda stood there naked and held each other, nothing sexual, just meaningful and passionate…it was really nice. we made it back to her room, which i have no idea where i got the visual. i was still sitting there naked and she had sorta put something on, so i told her i’m getting dressed. i remember leaning over and my “part” brushed against her leg and she giggled and touched the barbell. ok, weird note…i usually don’t have my “jewelry” in my dreams. it’s strange, but they don’t show up. so anyway…she just sorta touched the barbell and giggled…it was cute. then she started showing me weird stuff in her room, things i had no idea she would have an interest in, so i probably made up most of it. i think a discussion came up about her “bf” coming home or something, so it got a little weird…i think we kissed briefly like once…and then just sorta stared in her eyes…and soon woke up. oh, ‘she’ as in She-Hag. addendum…i just remembered something…she had a phone on her table that had a big lens on it…i picked it up and she said “yeah i have a phone like yours now” but it was way cooler…it was like a Sidekick, but it was more of a camera, had a big zoom lens and such built into it, the screen was beside that and flipped out sideways or something. really wild…but would be a helluva fucking design. i’m gonna be pissed when i see one made…

i love Clerks…this has to be my favorite scene… YOU SUCKED 36 DICKS? i think i’m gonna be sick……. VERONICA Bye (to DANTE) That was Snowball. DANTE Why do you call him that? VERONICA Sylvan made it up. It’s a blow job thing. DANTE What do you mean? VERONICA After he gets a blow job, he likes to have the cum spit back into his mouth while kissing. It’s called snowballing. DANTE He requested this? VERONICA He gets off on it. 24. DANTE Sylvan can be talked into anything. VERONICA Why do you say that? DANTE Like you said-she snowballed him. VERONICA Sylvan? No; I snowballed him. DANTE Yeah, right. VERONICA I’m serious… A moment of silence as DANTE’S chuckles fade to comprehension. DANTE You sucked that guy’s dick? VERONICA Yeah. How do you think I know he liked… DANTE (panicky) But…but you said you only had sex with three guys! You never mentioned him! VERONICA That’s because I never had sex with him! DANTE You sucked his dick! VERONICA We went out a few times. We didn’t have sex, but we fooled around. DANTE (massive panic attack) Oh my God! Why did you tell me you only slept with three guys? VERONICA Because I did only sleep with three guys! That doesn’t mean I didn’t just go with people. 25. DANTE Oh my God-I feel so nauseous… VERONICA I’m sorry, Dante. I thought you understood. DANTE I did understand! I understand that you slept with three different guys, and that’s all you said. VERONICA Please calm down. DANTE How many? VERONICA Dante… DANTE How many dicks have you sucked?! VERONICA Let it go… DANTE HOW MANY? DANTE Well…? VERONICA (half-mumbled) Something like thirty-six. DANTE WHAT? SOMETHING LIKE THIRTY-SIX? VERONICA Lower your voice! DANTE What the hell is that anyway, “something like thirty-six?” Does that include me? VERONICA Um. Thirty-seven. DANTE I’M THIRTY-SEVEN? VERONICA (walking away) I’m going to class. DANTE Thirty-seven?! (to CUSTOMER) My girlfriend sucked thirty-seven dicks! CUSTOMER In a row? DANTE chases VERONICA down and grabs her by the door. DANTE Hey! Where are you going?! VERONICA Hey listen, jerk! Until today you never even knew how many guys I’d slept with, because you never even asked. And then you act all nonchalant about fucking twelve different girls. Well, I never had sex with twelve different guys! DANTE No, but you sucked enough dick! VERONICA Yeah, I went down on a few guys… DANTE A few? VERONICA …And one of those guys was you! The last one, I might add, which-if you’re too stupid to comprehend- means that I’ve been faithful to you since we met! All the other guys I went with before I met you, so, if you want to have a complex about it, go ahead! But don’t look at me like I’m the town whore, because you were plenty busy yourself, before you met me! DANTE (a bit more rational) Well…why did you have to suck their dicks? Why didn’t you just sleep with them, like any decent person?! VERONICA Because going down it’s a big deal! I used to like a guy, we’d make out, and sooner or later I’d go down on him. But I only had sex with the guys I loved. DANTE I feel sick. VERONICA (holds him) I love you. Don’t feel sick. DANTE Every time I kiss you now I’m going to taste thirty-six other guys. VERONICA violently lets go of him. VERONICA I’m going to school. Maybe later you’ll be a bit more rational. DANTE (pause) Thirty-seven. I just can’t… VERONICA Goodbye, Dante. She exits in a huff. DANTE stands there in silence for a moment. Then he swings the door open and yells out. 28. DANTE Try not to suck any more dicks on your way through the parking lot!

i can say i feel a lot better after reading this, it’s good that someone has admitted to me that their feelings were true and real, even after all the pain i’ve had from her. thank you she-hag, you’ve brought at least a slight joy to my heart after believing that i really wasn’t as meaningful or important as i once felt. i AM better than that.

Of course you need to stay the way you are, you just need to quick dating the wrong girls.  I think one of your issues is the fact that you go after the pretty, preppy, popular girls lately.  They are going to always (with the exception of a few- which is what you need to figure out by weeding them out) view you as inferior to them because you are so different from them.  Your not the preppy, block shouldered jock type, and you can’t pretend to be.  They are going to use you for the emotional and conversational support they need because they are not getting it from their dense headed, cock driven boyfriends.  They want the outside qualities of these men, with the inside qualities you possess.  They need the medium just like you do sometimes.  Don’t be misled that your friendship is more than it is.  You’re one of the girlfriends, with boy parts.  Remember that movie where the chick wakes up as a dude and her best friend wanted to see the goodies?  Sometimes your close relationship with these girls can get confusing for the both of you because of your goodies.  It lets you test the sexual waters, which is obviously not the way to go.  I can tell you i have a friend who is married to one of these blockheads, and she dated and had an intense emotional relationship with a guy before that reminds me a lot of how you and I were.  She even cheated on her husband because she re-established that emotional connection with him years later, when she and her husband were not connecting as well.  She ran to this guy XXX, when she needed what she was lacking from YYY.  She slept with him one day, and stopped during the end saying she wasn’t sure what they were doing was right, then went home the same day and slept with her own husband that night.  The emotional connections for women are so much more titillating than any physical connection may seem to be in the beginning.  Once that physical excitement dulls down and you try to relate emotionally, and it just isn’t all there, someone who comes along who has that is intoxicating enough to sway you no matter whether or not that person fits your idea of the perfect looking boyfriend.  In the end I don’t think it has much to do other than that.  The people in this world are very shallow, and with women, your girlfriends are your biggest competition, so when it all comes down to it, people are so very concerned with how they are viewed and judged by other people, if they are not comfortable with you fitting in to their little realm, it’s gonna begin to make then angry and annoyed and you see where it goes from there.  Either they aren’t shallow, or they are.  You hooked up with this girl who you perceived was unsure about you two being more than friends blah blah, she was unsure about what I just said above.  If you get this vibe from the beginning, beware, ok.  If she was behaving this way still, when you were spending so much time by yourselves connecting, then you should have stopped- because she’s one of the shallow ones.  I was the same way in the beginning, and it was for the same reason, but we talked about the differences, and in the end I decided to go for it, and I felt good about us and nothing else mattered.  (remember I wasn’t sure I wanted to be more than friends in the beginning, and I played games to keep you on my team still, but I always avoided going out alone with you.  Then one time you asked me out and I said ok that was when things started changing, once we spent one on one time together, a few times of that and I saw that we could be a couple.  If I was really shallow, I would still have been iffy because of what other people would think when they saw us together, I would still have kept saying “Idon’t know” to you, and that’s not how it should be. It should be a definite one way or the other and you shouldn’t accept anything less for yourself.  You don’t deserve to be dragged around after somebody emotionally because they don’t know, you want someone who knows your worth it, the whole you.  You know, no matter how many times I heard “I can’t see you two together”  this shouldn’t be a statement to make either couple feel like the better one either, obviously if you’re too different for her friends it’s prolly true that she didn’t match up with yours either.  It always made me mad- that statement, because it made it sound like you weren’t good enough for me or something, if I was shallow enough to let that go to my head, I wasn’t good enough for you either then.  That’s how it should be.  In the end all that matters is you two and later your family.  You don’t come home to hear about everyone else’s drama, you care about your family and nothing else matters as much  you know.