i don’t even fucking know anymore…everything keeps changing, things keep falling through my fingertips…maybe i shouldn’t keep my hands open and inviting to such lackluster things, maybe i should keep my hands tighter and only let in the things that try. this is SO ungodly difficult for me to do…to not speak a word, to not type a word…it feels the same as all the other times it happens. i’ve tried to keep myself numb of all things, and it works well as long as i’m not in the vicinity of the thing. i don’t know why it affects me so, but i get that jump in my chest and throat, the feeling of pain and resentment dancing, it’s staggering. it makes my head swirl and my mind swoon. why? it isn’t worth it, not this time. close your eyes and be happy daniel, close your eyes and be happy daniel… i held you for a night, i held you for a day, i held you in my arms, i held you as my own i take pleasure in knowing you felt the same way, i felt happiness knowing i wasn’t alone for once things were beautiful and peaceful in my world for once time was revolving around our two hearts it was an intensely passionate moment unfurled, and i couldn’t imagine our bodies being apart your heated breath against my skin, your lips against mine the taste of your body, the scent of your soul with all pleasures and sins feeling exquisitely divine the day that i had you, the time it was us, that time you made me whole… i had my day, i’ll remember my day…now fucking shut this off. i’m getting my new tattoo tomorrow, i want to close my eyes and feel someone hurt me so i can distance myself from you people…so i can control feeling SOMETHING that isn’t involving another fucking person… i can’t apologize for the things i’ve said or done, and i’m not going to apologize for the things i’ve written…not for Shallow, not for She-Hag…not for anyone else…everyone takes it upon themselves to climb in my head and read these thoughts…and i appreciate them taking the time to do so. i also can’t apologize or defend the actions made by others offering their comments. i’ve been victim of the same hazing, and it was over the same reasons…me being fucking stupid for chasing stars. i want to go home. bitches love me cuz they know that i can rock bitches love me cuz they know that i can rhyme bitches love me cuz they know that i can fuck bitches love me cuz they know that i’m on time…

It’s not like you’re ordinarily shy, retiring or afraid to express yourself. But now? Well, at this very moment, you won’t hesitate to say anything and everything that crosses your mind. Better issue disclaimers before you start. don’t fucking ask what you don’t want to fucking hear people……

ok, one thing i don’t like is the bullshit posturing that people do, i’ve seen it so many times before…as an example from 2002 from the she-hag: “I don’t think you know how uncomfortable you make me feel. Especially the other night at Danya’s. I didn’t know what the hell you were doing there on the ground that night. You were making me so nervous. Reguardless of how your nature is normally, people can switch so quick when they are upset. You freak me out so bad sometimes. And crazy enough as it sounds, it was dark and I couldn’t see, and all i kept thinking was, what the hell does he have in his hands. I just wanted to get out of there so bad, I remember.” yeah, sounds bad…of course it leaves me thinking WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO? i didn’t do anything. as i’ve explained then, and i’ll do it again now, i simply knelt down by her car instead of standing and leaning into her window. it was meant to be a passive gesture instead of an overbearing one. she wanted me to sound terrible and weird. i say this because….. she admitted it. it was all bullshit. she never felt uncomfortable or threatened, and she knew what i had in my hands. she just wanted to leave, it was nothing to do with being nervous. simple…bullshit posturing. she knew who i was and what i was and WASN’T capable of doing. i just don’t hide behind an act. there are a few people out there that i wish would stop pretending that i’m doing something i’m not doing. i’m no different now than i was then.

was talking to briz, i was typing “hey did you check out that software yet” and he typed “i think that software is going to work great” right before i was able to finish my sentence. same thought, same time. coincidence? no……

so i realized last night when i was working out that i haven’t done anything related to the bicep muscles…i’m a tard. i remedied that…i felt like a major pussy when i couldn’t do 50 lbs. i also bumped up about 10 lbs on the gravitron, so now i’m doing 60 lbs (level 6 of 17) i think around 30-35% body weight, give or take, er, whatever. the math doesn’t come out right…well, either way, i did 60 lbs on the gravitron. i also broke down and bought World of Warcraft…i think i’m going to let myself get sucked into another online game. maybe it will be good for a while, i need the distraction. i’m happy alone, i just have to find that spot. oh and i bleached my hair again, it was getting too brown and preppy for me. i also think i’m going to get a new tattoo tonight, it’s long overdue. i don’t think many have taken notice, but throughout this whole emotionally painful ordeal, i haven’t done anything to my body…i usually shove needles in or stretch piercings…and i never did.

i just emailed ays to remind her to do something and she wrote back and was doing it at the exact moment i was reminding her. not a fucking coincidence.

so…now i find out that shallow is talking about me to HER friends…which is the same thing she was pissed at me for doing…so now she’s shallow AND a hypocrite it seems. it’s really starting to get pretty funny…