i thought i was going to make it through the day without having something thrown in my face, but no, Shallow went ahead and took care of it and made sure that i knew that regardless of what i change about myself, she isn’t going to “feel any differently” about it. nice of you to remind me, thanks again, Shallow. i will let her keep her flattery and think that she is the one i’m trying to impress.

then i will be exactly what everyone fucking wants me to be…normal. close your eyes to what you thought i was, i’m no longer the same.

things haven’t been as prevalent in my mind lately, but they still won’t go away. i watch the images bounce in my head, i think of the memories we shared over such a short time…i think of how things went so astray. Shallow Crush questioned how and why i could gain such favor for her in such a short amount of time, and wanted to believe that it was mere infatuation…she wants to push everything so far out of her mind… when we had our nearly last desperate talk, i told her that in a month’s time she would probably replace me and never remember and never look back…and i think it’s already happened. she confessed that it would never happen, that i’ll always be there, i’ll always be special and hold a place in her heart…but why do i feel this way if that is true? why do i feel so desolate and pushed…so far gone that i never existed…i feel that i’ve simply been erased, washed, and replaced and that i meant nothing. how many times did we sit on the bed and just giggle and laugh? how many hours did we spend talking about irrelevant things and just entertained each other with our company? how many experiences did we share as “firsts” for both of us that can never be replaced? how many tears have poured from both our eyes in a shower of emotion that we both felt in joy and suffering? how often did i tell you that i will always be overlooked and overstepped when everyone takes what they want from me? i keep seeing all those insignificant fucking things you did while i quietly watched you..the things that i won’t see about any other creature…the things i would abandon for just one more minute to run my fingers through your soft hair…to make sloppy braids in it…to run that brush through it again….

i saw Constantine this weekend..damn fine movie…the previews seemed a bit better than the flick, but it was still pretty kickass. it seemed gritty and dark, sorta comic book-ish, almost in like a Max Payne sort of way. the action scenes were nice, the religious tones were well done and followed the history of the Spear of Destiny. i think the hot chick in it should have gotten naked though.

so i went out with Mystery for a while on friday, she’s having the same problems as always, things suck and her bf sucks…but she’s never going to do anything about it. i can’t see why people enjoy living in such torment. i have watched so many of them do it lately… i went to visit ays on friday as well, and met her friend. there was a lot of feeling in that room, i could tell it was something that i needed to see. went through the usual greetings and such, seemed obvious that i was “noticed” pretty quickly. it is nice to have those things realized by people, especially after my heart has been reduced to so little lately. we chatted a bit, caught up with my background and such, got some beer and sat down to play. her friend read my cards…and it has taken me a few days to even make sense of what i want to say about it. so many things were so pure, i could feel my body surging as we read them…and the answers were painstakingly insightful. the most obvious was a card full of bright fire…i can’t even remember the suit of the card…all i remember is just the image…so bright, so burning, so red…it consumes me. i’ve touched the flames and now i can’t erase it from my mind. there was a fucking reason i found Shallow Crush, and now i’m even more confused about it. she doesn’t even recognize that i exist anymore, and yet she has such a hold on me and i’m so engulfed by her fire. the other woman was the one in the woods…so pure of heart and yet so well protected by a nest of thorns…danger both ways…i keep playing with fire and keep burning myself…and i keep myself hurting when reaching for the pure of heart…how do i win. the fire was the only thing eating my mind, the thing i can’t escape and can’t remove. flames are so difficult to extinguish, especially those proving to be searingly powerful from another creature. if only she would recognize those things. and then the talk of me being a “mirror” for so many people…they see those things that they don’t want to see…they look at me and see a reflection of what they so desire to attain and be like…free and pure…and it scares the fuck out of them…and again it so relates to everything around me that has happened..so many allow themselves to get SO close, only to back off when they’ve seen too much…i gave fair warnign that i’m in my aquarian time, and things would not be the same for me right now…and those warnings were not noticed. things get strange for me around my bday…they always do and always have. everyone gets scared, everyone gets frightened…people don’t like me looking inside their soul and essence and knowing what they are…and Shallow Crush was no exception…my eyes frightened her more than she will admit. only recently has She Hag made hints at recognizing what i truly am and the things that were mistaken at the time. and of course ays read my turkish coffee after we drank, and so much of it again led back to one fucking thing…the creature i want to be so far away from. the full moon…the new moon…the dragon…my essence is too strong for people to handle and everyone wants to keep their guard up and not let themselves believe they can be in love with something like me…they want what they know best, they want what society wants them to have, they want something they can take in public and not feel eyes upon them…they won’t step from their box and try something new for fear of being laughed at…i told her once before, her world is just as frightening to me as mine is to her…Shallow Crush, maybe it’s better for YOU to dance with the devil you know, rather than the one you don’t. i want to extinguish your fire and your shine, you burn my eyes and you shadow my soul in your radiance. if only you understood what my heart holds for you, and if only you believed my words about seeing it that first moment i laid eyes on you. all i’ve dreamt of all weekend is the fire i’ve played with, the fire i’ve touched, the fire i’ve held…the burning souls that have been in my life, i’ve lived a dream of being with them and how things would be, and i haven’t had one with Shallow yet…i’m sure it’s coming, it’s only a matter of time, and then my heart will continue to hurt when i see the visions of things happening in such a different way. i am even more burdened and more confused now, i wanted clarity and have only seen more entanglement in pain before i will understand things….

i dreamt of the shallow crush again. after last night and after seeing the fiery card, i don’t know what to really think.

had someone knocking on my door this morning…some lady serves me papers saying that Discover card wants to sue me now. lovely. fucking lovely. i just wonder how much more my heart needs to break and hurt before i get to feel better again.

“Better the devil you know than the one you don’t.”

In a Darkened Room –Skid Row In a darkened room Beyond the reach of God’s faith Lies the wounded, the shattered remains of love betrayed And the innocense of a child is bought and sold In the name of the damned The rage of the angels left silent and cold Forgive me please for I know not what I do How can I keep inside the hurt I know is true Tell me when the kiss of love becomes a lie That bears the scar of sin too deep To hide behind this fear of running unto you Please let there be light In a darkened room All the precious times have been put to rest again And the smile of the dawn Brings tainted lust singing my requiem Can I face the day when I’m tortured in my trust And watch it crystalize While my salvation crumples to dust Why can’t I steer the ship before it hits the storm I’ve fallen to the sea but still I swim for shore Tell me when the kiss of love becomes a lie That bears the scar of sin too deep To hide behind this fear of running unto you Please let there be light In a darkened room

Better the devil you know than the one you don’t.