i had strange dreams last night, She-Hag was there, i want to say we were in my grandma’s old house, my deceased grandma. no one else was there that i remember. i remember talking with her about something, not sure what. then we climbed in bed and went to sleep, she snuggled up next to me. i had the distinction that she still had a bf, we weren’t “together” in the dream. i remember waking up in the dream and she was gone, i saw a wet towel in bed, then i got up and took a shower and got ready, and she was in the living room waiting. it was almost like both of us worked together at toys r us still, she said something about me “making her late” and giggled. who knows. i think i’m getting better about Shallow Crush too. i don’t really feel better about it, but i guess i’ve absolved myself enough to deal with it. i don’t want to end up even more bitter. all of it is just so reminiscent of my other situation, and at least She-Hag was able to give me some sense of meaning for all of it. She believed that Shallow Crush probably had a strong emotional attachment and connection to me, one that she probably won’t admit to now (which seems true so far) and that she had probably had eyes for the “other CUTER guy” for a while (we’re still on track). the flirting increased with the cute guy to the point where she started “feeling” something around him, much like the butterflies she previously felt about me (hence the emotional attachment) and when things became questionable or confrontational, she decided that she could pursue the “cuter” guy and deal with it because she was PHYSICALLY attracted to him as well, and that the emotional attraction to me just wouldn’t cut it. i suppose it mirrors the she hag’s own interpretation of our relationship, she seemingly did a lot of the same things. it’s always about how i’m not as attractive or well built as someone else but that i have every sentiment that a girl wants in her life. too bad i’m not the whole package i guess. of course i’m only guessing but it seems like a fairly reasonable explanation.

“that screw up is gonna miss more than she could ever imagine. can she have the she hag title yet?”

look at me…the eyes don’t lie…i can see what hides behind them. no one has ever been able to keep secrets from me when i peer into their soul. i’ve always been the same person you look at so gently, the same one you looked at so longingly.. i would be the one to do everything for her, and it’s hard for her to understand that someone would do something like that after such a short time…she’ll never understand the true nature of a creature like me, like an aquarius…one who would so diligently wait inside the shell of a world until my time comes to be that person…the one who tried stepping outside of the boundaries to do something unthinkable and unimaginable..the one who would open her soul and climb inside with her never understanding how it happened or why..especially when she protected herself so well against thigns like me…we have inexplicably shared parts of our essence that will never split, as much as i’ve wanted those parts back from all the others…and as much as they’ve wanted to separate from me…it will never happen…those parts are always intertwined and will never come undone..that’s they mystery of why you can’t find yourself slipping away from me and feeling ok with it…you want me around so badly it kills you to believe that it’s true…and you can’t explain why…and neither can i. sometimes bonds are stronger than words and understanding…they go way back and they go deeper than we can comprehend. she has a part of me that i will never get back, and i have a part of her that will never leave me. i dont want any regrets about anything…. and now i sleep, and i dream of only her, the thing i’ve dreamt about every night for the past several months…the thing i wish to touch only once more….

i’ll stare at you and remember…i’ll stare at you and forget…i’ll stare at you and dream…i’ll stare at you and die.

she fucking thought of me once, and now it pains me that i even think of her. i want to push everything so fucking far out of my mind..i want everything to erase…and i can’t fucking do it. it’s so easy for people to do it to me… i saw my old friend at trips tonight…my old friend danielle…one of the fire signs that truly knew and understood me…even her gently kissing me on the cheek and hugging me the way she did showed me that she felt something….deep….something meaningful, even after all these years she valued and respected everything that i am and everything i would have given her…just in those brief moments. so many people wish to find creatures like me, and then they pass me off like i’m some fucking insignificant nobody just like the rest of the crowd…then they want to overlook me because someone else is “cute.” the grass is always fucking greener sweetheart, it always is and always will be. make your decisions and make your choices, do what makes you fucking happy and i’ll do what makes me different. i’m the one everyone wants to reach, but i’m left as the lesson. i fucking taught the lesson i needed, i’ve taught it to every soul that i’ve touched…”achieve this and you can be happier” but it’s never with me. i’m not meant to have any of it, i’m meant only to fucking show the potential. you’re no different than any of the rest, i believed you were, and maybe you believed it too…and i was always under your fucking nose, and you even admitted it…so many people telling you that it was me that you needed…but we must always go back to what we know best. why the fuck am i even typing right now, it’s all irrelevant and pointless anyway. like i said, i’m the lesson, i’m not the solution. i’m the best answer that one could find, but no one else will see that. and never tell me that i’m great and that i’ll make someone so happy…it’s sickening to hear those words from a mouth so impure and hurtful. it’s been said way too many times already. i can’t replace your taste, i can’t replace your lips, i can’t replace the way i feel around you. i’ll believe your words and believe that i truly meant nothing to you…and by doing so then i’ll believe that you are as unimportant as you’ve made me feel.

i almost forgot…Gwar is coming to town on feb 24th…there are a lot of people that i would love to share this experience with, so if you find it in your hearts, please accompany me to the show.

so i watched “Saw” last night and it is fucking awesome…stroke of genius. the idea and scenario is very reminiscent of “Seven” but it’s varied enough to not feel like a copycat movie. i really liked it, i haven’t liked many new movies lately but it was definitely freakin awesome. that and it has Cary Elwes in it, he rules as it is.

i keep wishing it were as easy for me as it is for her right now, i wish i could make it all go away so easily.