my poor lost soul, where are you….everytime i think i’ve found you, it turns out you just aren’t who i thought you were…i guess you’ll find your way back to me soon enough. don’t close your eyes and disbelieve what is truly in front of you.

9:35 pm abandon all ye hope… so, it seems i’ve put a bit more faith into my feelings and thoughts than i should have ever allowed, my life and my presence is not as important and fixated in the eyes of another…..i feel way too much and think way too much……my feelings aren’t to be reciprocated. “my life wouldn’t stop if you weren’t in it anymore.” those words sound so painfully familiar…you go through life being told how fucking special and unique you are, but it always comes back to one central starting point….you are born alone, you live your life alone, and you die alone. we are all utterly alone. grow selfish, take care of your own needs and fuck the niceness to others, no one appreciates it the way they truly should. i exist to please myself, i exist to please my needs, i exist to please my feelings, i do not exist to please others. i can only be who i am, i can only express what my heart chooses to feel, i can only express what my mind chooses to think. i believe i am so much more than i really am, and even others believe me to be something more than i am, but is it important? it doesn’t make them wish to be any closer or to take grasp of my feet as i fly away…. i was never truly meant to be on this planet, and i was never meant to fall in love with such desperate passion and unspoken words….my actions are simply futile and meaningless. “…if i could start again a million miles away i would keep myself i would find a way…” –nin

i’ve been a drama queen, i’m pompous, i’m arrogant, i’m self-righteous, i’m narcissistic, i’m shallow, i’m deprived, i’m egotistical, i’m delusional, i’m divergent, i’m curious, i’m bland, i’m contradictory, i’m selfish, i’m indignant, i’m overbearing, i’m nervous, i’m insecure, i’m unique, i’m aquarius. what does it feel like to be in love? i thought i used to know, but i’m beginning to wonder. i used to think it was all about “rose tinted glasses” and butterflies in the stomach, but that shit is getting annoying. the solar plexus is always more sensitive than the crown, and only a couple of people lately have given off a vibe i’ve picked up in my crown…so what does this mean? something unique, that’s for sure. but alas, as usual, and in no regards for pity, my emotional switch seems to have malfunctioned, and i’ve fallen for that untouchable entity yet again. sure, we all say “THERE IS NO ONE OUT THERE FOR ME! I’M NEVER GOING TO FIND THE RIGHT PERSON!” but how many of you truly believe it? i can’t help but wonder if i am entirely too difficult to love and appreciate for all that i am….those that show emotion tend to disappear as quickly as they arrived…or they pretend that they aren’t even there.

Saturday, July 13th, 2002 4:00 pm and why? why do i have this sentiment…why do i feel so depressed…i’ve been losing friends left and right, i’ve been losing touch with feeling, i’ve allowed myself to hurt, i’ve allowed myself to be upset….i’ve done so well the past few months, and now i’m having that resurgence of loneliness….i would be lying to say i don’t long for companionship, but i’m beginning to have those selfish feelings of “i am destined to be alone” again…i have felt that my entire life, through every relationship, through every course of love…i surround myself with friends, i force myself to believe that i am much more than i really am….when in fact, i am just a man. i am just an individual, the same as everyone else…am i relapsing? probably…i know i have more to offer than anyone, i know that i am capable of the deepest love a human could receive…i know i am capable of compassion only written of in fairy tales…why must i plague myself with false hope and unreasonable determination to find that one single person that will allow me to make them happy? i’ve tried in the past….should i blame myself for the failure of all my relationships? should i feel responsible for the hurting i have caused others by my simple touch of grace? i’ve shined on so many people in my life, i’ve touched them with a spirit of how things COULD be, and yet they always end up so alone and cold…my fears run deep of being alone, my solitude gives me peace, but at the same time gives me horrible realization of having no one to share what is in my soul…why, dear Aquarius, must we be so difficult to penetrate? why must we be so forgiving and humanitarian? i offer my spirit to those in need, i offer my ear, i offer my life…i’ve helped so many people through rough times in existence, and i have been repaid with friendship and caring…and then i see those feelings wasted on those who never deserve it…one can easily grow weary of hearing the words “you are such a good person, you will make someone so fucking happy one day, you would make such a wonderful husband and companion.” is it true? if those people recognize it, why am i the one that is pushed away only for them to choose someone less appropriate? or is it that i’m truly not as great as they wish me to believe? i don’t know what the fuck i’m saying, please ignore this, i am simply flipping the switch and allowing the self-loathing to flow once more, those are pure thoughts, and will soon slip away. i am the angel, and i’m not ripping my wings…i am here to cause happiness and comfort…perhaps my goal is to ultimately deal with my own pain and aloneness, i’m here to give and give and give with no need for repayment. i love, i give, i care, i do not wish to have credit for the things that i do. my soul will burn love and bear no hatred for another soul, hearts bear no regret. all of you who love me, i am your friend, that is all i can give. i lived through yesterday’s robbery, i came out alive, and i am witness to the sanctity of life, i was given forewarning of the events that took place, i felt it in my heart, and something kept me out of harm’s way…my love must still be waiting, hopefully…and dreaming of the same things i am, staring at the same moon, staring at the same stars….their heart yearning for the feelings that i am so willing to offer. patience, the time will come for another to allow me in, as complex a creature as i am, there is someone that will one day understand the true meaning of my heart, and that person will become the bearer of truest bliss. my heart is still open and waiting for that day to come, you simply have to look into my eyes…

4:47 am life changing? so, an event took place today…my store was robbed at gun point. luckily no one was hurt in any way, although probably emotionally scarred. i fortunately was not in direct contact with the situation, but i caught the aftermath. it kind of makes ya think, ya know? i walked in to the office to find my manager hand cuffed to the safe, register tills strewn all over the place, all the money gone…and her screaming at me to call the police…for an instant i didn’t feel real, i felt like i was witnessing something happening to someone else in another time….i was the one to make the call, i had to call 911….i’ve never felt this way before. i never knew what it would be like or how i would react to doing such a thing…it really takes alot out of a person to have to report a serious crime….the cops show up in full force, people start asking questions….things just were not normal….. i am more bothered by this than i could let on…my life changed with that moment….it could have been me, it could have been anyone else. i was the only person in that store that had a key to get in the room where the manager was, and i could have walked in and he could have turned on me….i could have been shot and killed. i could be gone right now, i could be dead…i could be erased from life. and what of all the things i’ve never said? are there things in my life that are incomplete? i had the notion of going over there for some reason, perhaps i was supposed to? did i cheat death today? did i receive a second chance? and if so, what for? am i here for a reason? do i have a purpose? do i have a goal? why the fuck have i not figured this out yet….there are so many emotions i haven’t expressed to people…i haven’t poured my heart to those who need to hear…i haven’t given the feelings i’ve needed to let out….is this my chance? or what if i’m being over analytical, perhaps i’m looking only at the bad side….perhaps i should realize that i AM ok, that i’m NOT injured…should i appreciate it? either way, life feels more important, love feels overpowering, and yet my heart and spirit are pouring out bitterness and hurt…the expression of feeling and sentiment are not exhuding from me, only negativity….i’m bringing down my crowd of friends tonight, i’m making them feel like i don’t want them around, when all i want now is to be surrounded by people and love…i don’t wish to be alone…today could have left me as alone as it gets, i could be gone, i could have had everything taken away from me. several people called to check on me, several people wanted to know that things were ok…i do appreciate that, much more than i let on, i wanted to scream, i wanted to cry, i wanted to blame someone or something….we all wanted to, and what is the true answer? i thought of my friends…i thought of my parents, my family, i thought of holly, i thought of crystal, i thought of danya, i thought of my friends…which i guess only leads to self-loathing and wondering “who would really give a fuck” and what the impact truly would be…if there was one chance to tell someone “i love you” who would you tell? would it be your family? would it be your friends? would it be that one special person in your life that you never said those words to? so many choices and no time to act… so much more to say, so little words for it…to all of you, i love you, i truly do. all of you are in my heart and all of you are in my soul. don’t let me out, and don’t forget that i care…

Saturday, June 22nd, 2002 1:37 pm pure fuckery and enjoyment…the erroneous mix …such an amazing amount of fuckery yesterday. i receive a hot check from she-hag and was asked to wait another 2 weeks to cash it, so i wait the period and try to cash it on the date requested….and lo and behold, the account was closed. and what was her response? in an angry email, i told her i was going to cash it early…which i should have anyway, but she didn’t have money as it was, so i wouldn’t have gotten the money for the check ANYWAY. and so, since she-hag wouldn’t respond to any emails or phone calls, i didn’t have ANY fucking clue what was going on, she never tried to call me back and give any recourse for bringing me my money, and won’t meet me at the gd bank! and of course…the ring that she was giving back mysteriously came up missing…. and so what was the kicker? i was at work meeting some friends, and her FUCKING dad showed up…came up in the middle of the people i was talking to, sticking his gd finger in my face telling me that i need to stop calling and emailing her…the nerve of another human being to be so psychotic. of course when i tried to explain that i have been trying to contact her to get her name off my account he didn’t hear a word i said, i might as well have been speaking chinese to him. so after his display of dominance and aggression he leaves…i’m sure he wanted to bust a blood vein in his forehead. and me? it’s amazing what prescription drugs can do to one’s resolve. serenity now, my friend. word to the wise…sticking your finger in my face and cussing isn’t going to get a rise out of me…i hate to burst your bubble and make you lose machismo. it only makes you look foolish and immature.

Monday, June 17th, 2002 6:29 pm fuck you. So here I sit, a pale comparison to all the beautiful things that now define your existence. All the things you so adamantly desired while with me are now the things that feverishly divide yourself from me. Is it status? Is it wealth? That isn’t for me to answer. Of course the things you say are hurtful, but is it anything more hurtful than the things you have previously done? Probably not, I’m sure. The immaculate entertainment center, the oh-so-decorative couch, the underappreciated dining room set?all things which make one so happy? I wish I would have known that mere material goods were the key to one’s happiness, I would have started collecting them much sooner. But alas, I can’t compare, I only have decrepit old furniture that appears meager and lacking?perhaps someday I shall live as extravagant as you feel you are. And what shall I say to my new adversary? Am I as clean? Do I do dishes? Do I take out trash? Well, if I was simply trying to gain your favor so that I may know your most inner secrets, I would be doing all the things that you would perceive as noble. Yes dear, let me take out those boxes. Let me cook for you. Let me clean up after myself and while I’m at it, I’ll clean up after you, too. And now dear, after I have done all these things, perhaps now you will see me as a gentleman and offer me your body, the thing I so desire, and the root for all my actions. Alas, I am 20 years old, what else must I think of? Sexual expression is my only course of action, and it brings me pleasure that you fail to see my intentions. It grieves me that you could even assume that I am not capable of all these things. The more words you speak to me the less I believe you had any true intention of keeping our relationship. If it were as frail as you make it appear, why had you continued to lie to me? You so desperately sought escape from our sanctum that you failed to recognize what kept you there in the first place. To do the things you have done as of late takes a unique individual, a unique individual who shows less emotion and reaction than I ever dreamed possible. I have shut myself off to so many notions and actions in the past that I wouldn’t think twice about shutting off my feelings, but yet, the coldness you have acquired dwarfs my lack of emotion ten-fold. Was I the Vulcan in this relationship? Nay, I now can say it was you. I hope you truly replace all those things I vainly offer you. I would sacrifice everything that I own to have that second chance you are so indifferent about offering. And why won’t I have that chance? Because you are too afraid to open your eyes and see the truth of my soul I will never have that chance. I cook. I clean. I do dishes. I do laundry. But?oh, lest I forget?I simply work in retail. I don’t have the prestigious job that I COULD have if I were someone else?and especially in comparison for someone younger than I. Well, what else can I offer? Love isn’t enough for you, and neither is compassion nor caring. I shouldn’t rehash what I have said so many times already, so I leave those things in your thoughts to remember. Unconditional love is hardly something to find easily. I never gave myself to anyone as freely and openly as you. It is too bad you can’t respect or realize that. I often forget we have nothing in common. You listen to music, and I listen to music. Oh, but we don’t listen to the same kind of music, so it becomes an issue, I so easily forget. Do all my friends listen to the music I listen to? No. I value my friends because of their individuality, how could I stand to be around someone exactly like me? Wouldn’t the world be a bit menial and boring if everyone had exactly the same taste? Not for you, I suppose, as that is what you desire. We had nothing in common, but yet you had no trouble in acquiring half of my DVD collection without a second thought. All the movies I had picked out myself, all the movies I had bought?but no, we have nothing in common. Or was that simply another petty act to get what was rightfully yours? Another piece of advice from someone to have all that you deserved? I won that Playstation 2 system, and I won it for a reason. Was it difficult for you to take it? No, you seemed not to hesitate for a second. I had spent the money from my overtime at work to buy most of the things I bought during Christmas, but that wasn’t a concern of yours. It was still “our” money to you, and all those things I worked so hard for were as rightfully yours as mine. I think I am growing tired of hearing all of your ridiculous excuses for the ruin of our relationship. It isn’t hard to step back and look at it from your perspective. You achieved all those things you so stubbornly wished to achieve, and I was left as simple as the day I met you. You were a bad person, Daniel, you never let me reach for my dreams. You were a controlling person, Daniel, you never let me buy all the things I wanted. You were a horrible person, Daniel, you never gave me all the attention and affection I so desired. It is much easier to allow yourself to believe someone else is at fault for all those things that went astray, but you won’t stop and look yourself in the eye and approach those same issues. I at least tried to contain and solve the conflict, and all I saw was you walking away from it. And what about that fateful night you left me alone and wished for me to call? I don’t believe you. You called your new interest that night, and had spoken with him several times earlier, and you had already made up your mind. Daniel was to disappear, at whatever cost and whatever means. Sorry to hurt you Daniel, but you have become obsolete and replaced by the new model. Should I thank you for all the things you have done, Daniel? How you let me drive your car while I found a job? How your family helped pay to fix my old car, bought me clothes, took me job hunting, and treated me like a daughter? It would be much easier to forget all those things for now, I stepped over you and took all that I could, and now I must move past all the help you offered and continue with things my way. But don’t forget, I do CARE about you Daniel, I just simply can’t be in love with you anymore because I have someone who can make me believe all those things I desired from you. I know you tell me that you are capable of all those things, and I do believe you, but I am simply not willing to take that risk to join you in everlasting happiness, I only wish my life to be full of temporal joy. What about the letter? You mean the letter you spent so many hours on that I disrespectfully leave in the back of my car? Yes, I will read it. Yes, I will read it soon. Yes, I will tell you that I will read it only to please you, but I have no intention of reading it at all, because I am afraid of what your words might do to me. I can’t have any interference in my relationship with my temporal happiness, you might upset the balance I have created. And again, all those things you have said on the phone are surely the same thing inside that letter, and as much as I enjoy hearing you profess your undying and unending love for everything I am, it is much easier to phase you out on the phone than it would be to face those powerful words and emotions you have laid on paper. I am frightened of your presence, Daniel, there is something so powerful in your soul that it makes me tremble while I am around you, but it can be ignored if I simply speak with you on the phone. I know I stare so longingly into your eyes, and I never hesitate when I wrap my arms around you, but that is only when I am in your presence. On the phone you disappear and become a toy for me to play with at my leisure. You know that you will be sitting at home waiting for me while I am playing teenager right now, so why should I attempt to please you in any way? I have done the most horrible things to you already, and will continue to do them, and you won’t change your opinion of me. What do I have to lose? All the words I have said, all the feelings I have portrayed, all the thoughts I have expressed?they have all been ignored. It is such a shame that you won’t see with your true eyes what I am offering you, and the impact of such a thing. Alas, I suppose I must release you from my heart, knowing that you must walk on your own feet with no help from others, you must learn your from your own mistakes, you must see this thing called life with your own two eyes, as all of us have done before. So live, be the person you were before you met me, be the person you so despised and wished you hadn’t been, and realize we all return to those things we know best.

this is from august of 2002, and i should have done what i said i would. —– 6:40 pm simplicity and how complex it truly isn’t….. so it ends here. i’m no longer speaking of bullshit that is meaningless, i’m no longer wasting my time pouring out all the drops of incredulity from my brain, i’m no longer confining myself to having emotion. this is where i end my attempts to be everything that a human isn’t, this is the part where i decline back to the role that men are more fit to be in, this is where i fold my wings back inside my jacket to be released only when someone is deserving. it seems my efforts are still in vain, so this is where they become nonexistent. she-hag, i apologize for taking up so much of your time in those months you wished to shred me from your memory. perhaps another time and another place and you’ll take notice of what you missed. and to the others, i’ve done my part. i’ve shown my soul, i’ve shown my world, i’ve shown my heart. i’ve shown all that i hold inside this body and have only continued to stay empty and so shut off from the rest of you. so, less by choice and more by suggestion, this is where i return to my life of solitude and coldness. i am arrogant, i am condescending, i am pompous, i am egotistical. but what i am not is a lacking person. if those that see my soul don’t wish to become part of it, then i shall protect myself from them once more by shutting off to those who won’t offer respect for it. i guess this should be the part where i tell all my friends “yeah, you were right, i was acting pretty foolish.” of course i have the right to act however i please, and if you need the satisfaction of knowing that i humbled myself to your opinions, then here you go. you were right. you win, i lose. i took the risk once again, and have still failed. i feel sorry for some of you. those of you that have seen inside my eyes have all stepped away and distanced yourselves, and i don’t know why….be it fear, misunderstanding, anger, pain….emotions that are all so familiar to me. well, no longer shall i be taken for granted, no longer shall i be made the fool, no longer shall i play patsy for all those people who wish to simply have me around for convenience. i’m sorry, my heart desires more than that, my heart desires something tangible and real, something i can believe in, something i can trust. we ALL return to that which we know best. every single one of us. return to your ex-boyfriends, your capricious living, your lost partners, your pleasures, your vices…your logic and your rationality. return to that which gives you temporal pleasure, and that which can make you smile for the day….think not about tomorrow, consider only the moment if that is the happiness that we seek. i have become unavailable to offer anymore emotion. i’ve lost the ability, i’ve lost the desire. i now sit and wait for someone deserving of the power in my spirit, someone who won’t throw it in my face or believe that i am even ABLE to be compared to a human…i feel sorry for you. i was, i am, i will be the best thing to cross your path, and i shall make no regrets. close your eyes and i’ll vanish, open them and i’ll be staring into your soul. blessed be.

Somewhere Out There- –our lady peace– Last time I talked to you, you were lonely and out of place. You were looking down on me, lost out in space. Laid underneath the stars, strung out and feeling brave. Watch the red orange glow, watch them float away. Down here in the atmosphere, garbage and city lights, you gotta save your tired soul, you gotta save our lives. Turn on the radio, to find you on satellite, I’m waiting for the sky to fall, I’m waiting for a sign. All we are is all so far. You’re falling back to me, the star that I can’t see. I know you’re out there, somewhere out there. You’re falling out of reach, defying gravity, I know you’re out there, somewhere out there. Hope you remember me, when you’re homesick and need a change. I miss your purple hair, I miss the way you taste. I know you’ll come back someday, on a bed of nails I wait. I’m praying that you don’t burn out, or fade away. All we are is all so far You’re falling back to me, the star that I can’t see. I know you’re out there, somewhere out there. You’re falling out of reach, defying gravity, I know you’re out there, somewhere out there.

so, in no particular order, here are my top ten “bad qualities” that i’ve lately been told are my downfall. 1. i have a nosering. 2. i dress funny. 3. i don’t have broad shoulders. 4. when i’m drunk i act “clingy.” 5. when i’m drunk i act “girly” but i’m not sure what that means. 6. i have a few insecurity issues and act jealous with certain situations. 7. when i’m in public i like attention from the girl i’m with. 8. i attract drama by talking about my feelings and problems with others. 9. apparently writing nice things like poetry and buying small gifts makes me manipulative in the sense that i’m “doing what a girl wants.” 10. when something bothers me and is on my mind and someone asks “what’s wrong?” and i say “nothing” then i’m lying and trying to hide something.