i don’t have the energy to write about what’s on my mind right now…maybe later or maybe tomorrow. all of it is finally coming together though, and we’ll just have to see where it leads. i have a few more things to document and i have some things to make comparison to, and after that i should have the meaning that i want from the situation and possibly i can find the clarity i’m seeking. regardless…i can only feel that i’ll be the one winning.

this is the safest place to post most of my thoughts and observations about things because i can at least have them on paper in front of me so they don’t seem so jaded coming from my own lips. so many things about how i act and react in situations, and so many times i was simply compared to other people. what was it that was said? oh, “he” would do/say that, so you MUST be reacting the same way as him. how fair is that? it isn’t right to hold me to a standard that someone else has set for you. i never, until now, held a comparison for you to someone else based on how you were acting. our communication was so wonderful and so open…and yet when these things came up they were never discussed. and you know, our biggest issue was simply that we had no boundaries. neither of us had lines to never cross, areas to stay within…nothing about the “relationship” we had was ever defined, and that made things that much more difficult to control. neither of us had restrictions on our actions…you would get pissed if i got jealous, then you would say that we weren’t together. you tell me i acted too “clingy” when we went out, even when you went WITH me…and yet you went home with ME and slept in my bed. how is that for a boundary? you wanted me and my attention all to yourself as soon as we were away from the crowds, but once in public you wanted to pretend i didn’t exist. again, how selfish is it now to hold me to those limitations when none were ever set? had you admitted that you wanted to be with ME and have a relationship…things would have been different. small words like “committment” make things drastically change. sure, you said from the beginning you didn’t want a relationship, but you kept one. you had one with me, you admitted it yourself…”we were never together but we might as well have been, that’s how we acted.” well, quit changing the words around. one second i’m told it was NOTHING, and then i’m told things like that. you didn’t sleep in my bed because it made ME happy and you know it. you slept there because you wanted to be there. moreso you wanted to be there with ME. I think both of us expected that we would be spending the weekends together or spending certain nights together, and then when one of us had something else planned it really seemed bothersome. At least I know when you had something to do and I didn’t know about it I got my feelings hurt. Both of us had expectations on the other and neither of us admitted to them. Of course, again, this would only piss you off and push you further because I was “assuming” we were hanging out…finding more reason to compare me to so many others. A simple boundary that was never created but that you felt I crossed so many times. You keep telling me that it’s nothing to do with my “look” but I know that has everything to do with it. things always come straight back to that issue and how you want your little mold of how things are supposed to be so you don’t get embarrassed when you go out in public. You can’t take me to visit family and you can’t take me to your favorite places because someone might STARE at me…wooohoooo….yeah let me tell you, it really hurts my feelings when people stare. You think I’m not used to that? Like I told you, I have my issues with your appearance at times, it was never with your clothes though. And with me, I was already willing to look past all of that because my feelings were stronger in my heart than in my eyes. I found you beautiful for what you are, not what you look like. I guess that’s my fault. I’ll stick to my skinny blonde chicks that you always tell me I like so much. Im losing track of thought now…but all I know is that we BOTH had high expectations on the other and neither of us ever expressed what those expectations and limitations truly were. If both of us hadn’t been so overzealous things may have not escalated to the degree they have. You don’t have to pretend that everything never happened. You can admit that something was there, it won’t demean your personality or anything.

sometimes even i am left with little to say…unrequited love…so be it. i wanted to think you would be special, and i know you wanted to be…but apparently you’ll be just like all the others. you won’t be special. you won’t be “the one” to behave differently. you won’t be “the one” who can step outside the mold and follow your feelings entirely… how badly i wanted to believe otherwise…how badly i wanted to see you as something else. so, break my heart like all the others, use the same lines as well….tell me “you treat me so well, you would make a great boyfriend…(for someone else)” so be it. then it will be for someone else. i’m not sure why it hurt you so badly that night and why you’d cry to your ex boyfriend…this is the outcome that you wanted. you don’t want to be close to me, you don’t want me close to you. everything that we shared was for simple momentary pleasure. i was pretty offended at a few of the things that were said…even the thought that i may have taken advantage of you being “vulnerable” and just out of a relationship…lest you forget YOU were the one sneaking to MY house while you had the boyfriend…i’m not sure how that makes me liable. and of course…you don’t believe me when i say that i noticed you so long ago, that i remember your face so clear the first time i saw you and how i fell in love with you on that one day…because i didn’t write about it. i don’t even know what i could have said. again, what would be the point. it doesn’t change anything. i know you can’t deny that something in your soul still urges you to be around me and i’m sure you don’t know why…just the same as me. by all your actions and deceptions you should make me sick as a person…but yet i still love you and can only find myself forgiving you over and over. i guess either it’s something real or i’m just fucking retarded and gullible. you know as well as i do there were a lot of reactions that could have been dealt with…we had perfect communication but you soon decided that nothing was worth mentioning anymore. so keep your mouth shut with all your problems and pretend that i’m simply just like every other boyfriend you had. i’ll be fair and compare you to the one i hate as well. nearly everything has played out just the same anyway. so, its ok, hide the emotion, at least you were able to admit that you had the smallest inkling. and how you “love” me as a person and care…but were never “in love” with me. you couldn’t respect me for all that i am so my only option is to replace you with one who will. i was right under your nose the whole time, but still, keep looking. keep playing with a safety net so you don’t fall outside your realm of comfort. you had your chance…you saw something remarkable that you wanted to touch…but now you can keep it on your shelf. all you ever wanted from me will soon be gone, but you’ll always have your tangled memory of what things were like…that you liked kissing me because “it felt good” and how i could look in your eyes and make you melt…the way i could touch you and make you feel so happy… and besides…only human….right?

im sure i’ve only made a mistake, i always do.

Guns N’ Roses Don’t Cry by Stradlin’/Rose If we could see tomorrow What of your plans No one can live in sorrow Ask all your friends Times that you took in stride They’re back in demand I was the one who’s washing Blood off your hands Don’t you cry tonight I still love you baby Don’t you cry tonightDon’t you cry tonight There’s a heaven above you baby And don’t you cry tonight I know the things you wanted They’re not what you have With all the people talkin’ It’s drivin’ you mad If I was standin’ by you How would you feel Knowing your love’s decided And all love is real…baby And don’t you cry tonight Don’t you cry tonight Don’t you cry tonight There’s a heaven above you baby And don’t you cry tonight I thought I could live in your world As years all went by With all the voicesI’ve heard Something has died And when you’re in need of someone My heart won’t deny you So many seem so lonely With no one left to cry to baby And don’t you cry tonight And don’t you cry tonight And don’t you cry tonight There’s a heaven above you baby And don’t you cry Don’t you ever cry Don’t you cry tonight Baby maybe someday Don’t you cry Don’t you ever cry Don’t you cry Tonight

I Loved You Once by: Alexander Pushkin (1799 – 1837) I loved you once, nor can this heart be quiet; For it would seem that love still lingers there; But do not you be further troubled by it; I would in no wise hurt you, oh, my dear. I loved you without hope, a mute offender; What jealous pangs, what shy despairs I knew! A love as deep as this, as true, as tender, God grant another may yet offer you.

When We Two Parted by: Lord Byron (1788 – 1824) When we two parted In silence and tears, Half broken-hearted To sever the years, Pale grew thy cheek and cold, Colder, thy kiss; Truly that hour foretold Sorrow to this. The dew of the morning Sunk, chill on my brow, It felt like the warning Of what I feel now. Thy vows are all broken, And light is thy fame; I hear thy name spoken, And share in its shame. They name thee before me, A knell to mine ear; A shudder comes o’er me… Why wert thou so dear? They know not I knew thee, Who knew thee too well.. Long, long shall I rue thee, Too deeply to tell. In secret we met In silence I grieve That thy heart could forget, Thy spirit deceive. If I should meet thee After long years, How should I greet thee? With silence and tears.

so many fucking things that were said, maybe i didn’t want to face them at the time, but now the more i think on them, i don’t want to miss them either… everytime i see a scary movie advertise i think of you, and how i want to watch them with YOU and no one else…someone who shares my interest… anytime i walk outside at night and see the stars, i’m reminded of you. i find cute little trinkets when i go in stores…mini stickers, notepads, cutesy things…and want to buy them for you and know that i can’t. today, sunday, is killing me inside because our one special thing that i felt we had was watching Desperate Housewives, and i can’t face never doing it again. then of course we have Tuesday…new dvd release day, which we had started sharing, we would watch the new movies i bought…and laugh and smile, or shiver and shriek…and i don’t want that to disappear. you mentioned the Ren Faire, something i hadn’t even considered…you’re the one that gave me inspiration to physically better myself, and by doing so i’ll be able to fit in my costume again, and i wish it was something we could share…the Masquerade Ball and all…we both love dressing up… and God how you cried telling me “i wanted to teach you weight lifting” as though it meant so much to you, i never knew it was something that special…you wanted to share that experience with me… you know the reason i wanted to learn Origami, and i was also hoping it was a hobby that both of us could take up together, it would be more time to share doing something fun…together…it was so cute watching you try to make those animals that night… picking out your entertainment center…i want to be the one to help you with it, to help put it together, to help you organize your room…i already helped you with the bed set… and i know you had difficult feelings about me teaching you to play chess…that was something that was meant to be special from someone else and i don’t think you were ready to replace that feeling, not yet, but still i want it to be me to show you… and i hated admitting it, i wanted to work out with you…merely something else to share, but i wanted to be selfish and not open myself up to you about it, i wanted you to say “i want to work out with YOU” and i should have said what was on my mind i’ve already said how difficult it is to see your name on my IM list and not talk to you…and to know you’re only an elevator away, i can come see you and you would make me smile and feel better…but something had to get in the way… all the inspiration you have given me to start writing again, even the smallest things…and maybe there were some things i should have kept private, but i wanted you to know all my secrets and all my feelings because otherwise i’d never admit them in person lets not forget your “to do lists” you’d leave me for my chores…cleaning my house in some small attempt to impress you… i felt special once when you made me dinner, even more special when we cooked together on xmas eve…it was a wonderful time and i could never replace that memory, and i’d hate to watch it fade…but it started hurting me more when i knew i wasn’t the only one being cooked for…i’m selfish and wanted to be treated differently… every day at 3pm i miss doing our xword puzzle…i never knew i appreciated the time that much. not to mention going to lunch together. walking you out to your car every day…especially in the rain…hugging you and saying goodbye… i’ve never had a girl pluck my eyebrows…and now i may never again. of course there are so many other things that have been filling my head, images of you getting ready in front of the mirror, looking at my phone knowing you were going to call and having it ring seconds later, me falling asleep with my phone on my chest knowing it would wake me up when you called, seeing you sitting at my computer playing Snood while i would get ready, holding your hair back for you when you washed your face…so many things happened in such a short time and i can’t feel comfortable knowing that i’ve erased you from my life and mind.

Marilyn Manson The Last Day On Earth by Unknown Yesterday was a million years ago In all my past lives I played an asshole Now I found you, it’s almost too late And this earth seems obliviating We are trembling in our crutches High and dead our skin is glass I’m so empty here without you I crack my xerox hands I know it’s the last day on earth We’ll be together while the planet dies I know it’s the last day on earth We’ll never say goodbye The dogs slaughter each other softly Love burns it’s casualties We are damaged provider modules Spill the seeds at our children’s feet I’m so empty here without you I know they want me dead I know it’s the last day on earth We’ll be together while the planet dies I know it’s the last day on earth We’ll never say goodbye I know it’s the last day on earth We’ll be together while the planet dies I know it’s the last day on earth We’ll never say goodbye

Daily Overview for February 06, 2005 Provided by Astrology.com Daily Extended Forecast Quickie: Not everything has an explanation. Don’t work so hard trying to figure this out. Overview: Right now, you’ll be dealing with a mixed bag: whether to keep quiet with that secret matter, or just let go and say it. Think hard about it. Is it worth what you might have to deal with afterward?