so, went to brian’s mardi gras party last night…was greeted with a hand grenade when i walked in the door, so that was good. everyone loved my mask…i wore it all night. i think i had a hurricane in my hand all night, so i stayed nice and drunk. there were mostly familiar faces there, but lo and behold, two new female faces showed up, they were friends with heffron so that was cool. i slowly made my convo with them and found out they were pretty cool chicks, they were planning on going to a bar before the party was over, so i tried to convince them to stay there and drink, since it was free and all…so i guess i made my impression. one of them noticed my tattoos peeking out of my shirt and asked what they were, she got a big smile when she realized i was an aquarius, and she was a sagittarius…which is a wonderful match for me. she had dated an aquarian in the past and really liked it, but apparently he just detached and left the relationship…which sounds like an aquarian. anyway, i made my advance and retreat a few times, and slowly they would start coming to find me, and then when they were going to leave they came and found me and wanted me to go to the bar with them and told me i have to wear my mask when we go…so ok fine. we went down peoria to brookside bar and had a few drinks, i talked more and more with the cute blonde, so that was fun…and the fact that these 2 girls wanted to take me with them (heffron went also). we shared a few secrets here and there, and i think i at least caught her interest. we got on the subject of tattoos and piercings, so i asked the direct question of “are you ok with all of this?” about my nosering and clothing and such…and she said of course she was, appearance doesn’t make the person anyway…so i thought that was grand, she was already willing to look past it. i had tons of people coming and talking to me because i had that mask on my head, everyone loved it. i guess it was nice to be getting attention in public…i miss that. so anyway, they stuck with me all night and didn’t ditch me so that was cool. heffron got lost in the mix, we went across the street to another bar for a minute and he got left behind, i guess he ended up taking a cab, though we told him where we were. who knows, sorry heff. the girl i was talking with ran into 2 of her exes in the bar, and seemingly she didnt really like them, but one was pretty friendly, and they ended up taking him home. she kept looking at me like “eep…” when they were talking, and i asked her if she wanted him back or something but she kept telling me no. he was a little preppy boy of course…again, nothing like me… so we left and i sat in front with the other girl and my fav and her ex sat in back, they took me to my car and both admitted to having tons of fun and they want to hang out with me more, the other girl got my ph # so we can meet up soon, so hopefully they call. i plan on chasing down heffron on monday and making sure it happens though, i mean, i cant pass up a sexy fake blonde with a round ass. the driver chick hugged me and acted all happy so that was good, then the blonde got out of the backseat and left the dude back there and smiled to me and shook/held my hand, so i kissed hers, maybe it sealed the deal. well, that or they were drunk and won’t remember any of it…. so then i went in and kicked it with brian and jen a bit more, everyone had left…passed out…and woke up…then went out scumming with my cousin and hit the dirt malls…good times.

i dont want to cry anymore, make it go away…

something give me fucking peace and serenity…which is the way to go right now, should i fight it and dissolve her memory from my fucking mind or should i appease my senses and allow myself to see her again, hear her voice, look at her eyes and beauty…long for the touch of her hands… so many things that hurt right now… i keep looking at the sky and i know that you are shining for me…do it again, just once…

so many things to share, so many things to do so many things broken, so many things untrue i want to see the look on your face when you were upset, when you cried because you knew it hurt to watch me walk away…how upset you were, how disdainful the situation had become…and how you called to tell me i was special and that it really hurt you…you made me break down because i knew you truly loved me…

i’d almost forgotten how i erased the snip about my moment of passion with the clogger…it had happened only the night before i muttered those words to you about “i have a crush on you.” funny how things work out. Sunday, October 17th, 2004 ——————————————————————————– 6:49a – beauteous events… you know, it feels awkward thinking that i have such a crush on someone, and almost moreso to think that i’m having a “crush” but it’s almost for lack of a better term…i surprisingly had the opportunity to see this girl tonight and i gladly took the opportunity. also by the urging of some unseen hand slapping me in the face i muttered the information to her as well, “i have a crush on you.” we did end up hanging out a little longer than i expected as well, had great conversation and have gotten to know each other a little better. i still like her, she’s awesome, and regardless of my thoughts or feelings, she has a bf…i will not allow myself to believe anything, i am only happy that she didn’t leave in disgust when i admitted that i’ve had thoughts about her. i just turned my heater on in my house, it’s freakin cold. now as for my other events that were planned, nothing came through…i never received the call for going out with the girl i shared the momentary passion with last night…i hope everyone and everything is well. actually i never got the call from my friend that is the medium between us for going out, i really hope he just fell asleep and nothing else is was wrong or going on. other news…fleas are rampant in my house and driving me crazy, time to start bombing. my attempts at spraying aren’t helping matters, so things will need to be more drastic. also my stomach is officially fucked up. i keep having these urges to throw up, and it’s nothing i’m eating because i’m not eating anything unusual. it’s been this way since i got sick and threw up at work, i think something has finally become “wrong” with me. my mother has issues with teh flap from her esophagus to her stomach, and perhaps i’m having the same problems now, it feels like something in my gut isn’t cooperating. i can only hope it isn’t major and can be fixed easily and preferrably with meds and not surgery. my heart is pumping and my blood is energizing…i’m starting to surge with energy again and i’m acquiring emotional responses once more. things are clearing up and i think i’m nearing completion to allow myself to be happy and let someone touch my damaged heart. “…be careful for it is my dreams you are treading on…” current music: Nine Inch Nails – Starfuckers, Inc.

and so it started… Sunday, October 3rd, 2004 ——————————————————————————– 2:32a – hmmm so where do i stand now? ok, i’m drunk, finally, and sitting at teh keyboard, so truth can flow again…. i think i’m a bit uneasy with tyring to pursue relationships, i can tell that i’m hesitant about allowing myself to have deep true feelings for peopel, but i guess that’s just a defense mechanism. people woudl like to tell me that i’m cynical and bitter because of what happened to me, but i don’t think tha’ts tru;ly it. i can appreciate what happened to me now, i can appreciate that someone had the nerve and the guts to leave the situation when it wasn’t going the proper way. so many people i know have shown me how reluctant they are to leave a fucking dickhead guy…they just stay and put up with bullshit that is unnecesary, it almost makes me sick. i think it does make me a bit more distant by knowing what girls really are looking for…the like to be treated like shit…i can treat a girl like a goddess but she’d rather have some fucking insignificant challenge bhy having some dude act like they just don’t care…girls think they are gonna fucking change them…it’s such a stupid idea but that’s nearly how all of them are… i’ve had eyes for a few new peopel lately, but i don’t know if those eyhes are being returned…one of them i remember clearly the first time i actually laid eyes on her…i thought she was beautiful from that first day…and i never thought that i’d have the chance to simply talk to her, but it seems i have received that oppportunity… so where does this leave me? well, i’m stioll trying to pursue the untouchable…the people that i dont’ have a chance to obtain, the dreams i can only keep inside my head and never achieve. well, that’s the story of my time on earth, some things are better left as a fantasy, at least that way i can’t taint them and force myself to believe that they aren’t as beautiful as i once thought. i can definitely say that my new personm i’m watching is special in a way that i’m not sure i even understand….there is something about fire that intrigues me, i guess i like to allow myself to be burned…it’s admirable to find someone so playful and so free…. current music: Psychopathic Rydas – Run That (comment on this) 3:07a – uh oh i am drunk and i think i am falling for someone again that i should never fall for….thats my life…i always wnnt the ones that are already taken…… current music: Twiztid – 10 – Nikateen – Twiztid

i keep waking up expecting to see you lying beside me asleep, as if nothing has changed…or even sleeping on my couch…so i wake up and i always check the living room to see if you are there…and i don’t fucking know why. i still think about things and want to cry, everyone tells me we shared so much together and it would be a shame for things to never be salvageable…i remember how you used to look at me the same way… all your late night phone calls telling me “i wish i was there with you at your house instead of here waiting on my boyfriend” and telling me how much you missed me…nothing could have made me happier than you saying something like that. but now, i know what you’re doing and where you are…all those things that are lost, was it really worth it to make yourself feel this way? face your pain and quit trying to bottle everything up inside…you’re only going to take it out on someone else, and they may not be as patient and forgiving as i am.

i had a great review today at work and got a nice raise…at least i have something to feel good about now…… not that i feel BAD…i just hate feeling like i’ve had half of me taken away…like my best friend is gone from my life. which i guess she is.

this hurts so much both ways i wish i really knew what the answer was…maybe if i knew that it bothers you as much as it does me i would feel better about it, but i doubt that would matter…i don’t think i can do it, i can already see myself breaking down… i talked to J earlier and she explained a lot of things from her perspective…that of course i shouldn’t have driven by that night, even if it was because i was worried because you weren’t my “gf” and that means i don’t have the right…even if i was your bf that doesn’t change things…i hated doing it but i needed some sort of peace and understanding… it seems i probably sealed my own fate with a lot of my actions, with a lot of the things i did, with a lot of my behavior and attitude…and i can’t hope to change those things now. it makes it really tough just to know that you’re only 3 floors above me and yet we feel miles apart. i want to hear your voice, i want to see your face…i want to believe all of it when people keep saying that you DO care about me…i don’t understand why i don’t. i guess probably because i feel so hurt and demolished right now, i keep hearing the same things over and over, and so much of it unfortunately reminds me of all those things that the she-hag would say… i was going to go see a sneak preview of The Boogeyman last night with a friend, and i just kept thinking that i should be seeing it with YOU, that scary movies are something WE liked…and you told me that night when we parted how you’d miss that as well…and we could have had such a good time at the mardi gras party this weekend and then i’d see you on sunday as always, and it’s just going to hurt to know that it isn’t going to happen… the other thing is simply that all these people keep saying things like “how she felt about you” and you never even told me…i had no idea you had the feelings you did, i didn’t even know you were considering it…i suppose i just hate hearing “yes, things were there, we would have been great together…but it is gone now.” maybe i should have kept more things to myself… i hope you aren’t hurting as much as i am right now