so many things i want to tell you so many things i want to show so many things i cant compare to so many things that will never grow i tried to make things right i tried to make things real i tried to give you light i tried to make you feel i wanted to make you happy i wanted to make you smile i wanted to be too sappy i wanted to keep you a while i should have kept you further i should have made you free i should have stopped the fervor i should have let you be and now i pushed you from me and now i halted our love and now nothing is easy and now i cry to the above….

i have my moment of doubt and pain… i question if i made the right decision, i question if i should have done and said the things i did…it hurts me so fucking much to watch you so far away… i look at my IM list and see your name just taunting me…all i have to do is click and i can say so many things to you…but then i keep wondering if it realy matters… you dont fucking understand how much it hurt me to do thosethings, how much it hurts me to push you out of myt life….i want you in it so badly it makes me sick to my stomach…i’ve literally been sick all day all becase of you…i want to hear your voice, i want to see your eyes and watch you smile…it burns me so badly to know that you’re so close and so fucking far away at the same time….just to touch your face, to touch your hands….you infected my soul and climbed inside my head…which is why you got in my pants, otherwise i’d never have let you near…. you did something remarkable and then you took it away…i wish i didnt feel so fucking insignificant right now, especially after all the things i did and knowing that they were “firsts” for you and that you truly cherished all of it…that only makes it harder to swallow….all that you’re willing to give up, but i guess that means i’m not as complete as i want to be…. i miss the mere thought of you coming over while i’m sleeping, calling me in the mornign to make sure i’m awake…the moment of looking forward to you typing “hello good morning” to me every day…all those fucking little trivial things drive me mad knowing that things are so drastically different…and i don’t know if it was my actions or yours…which one of us hurt who? i badly wish to see your face once more when i open my eyes, not when i close them, i want to know you’re there holding me in my time of failing…to know y ou’re there if i wake up screaming from those black forces i only see when i travel in my sleep…you kept me so calm and so serene… it pains me to look at you over the chasm of sorrow that we have created between us…

so here’s a good idea…how about you make it a point to be somewhere that i’ll run into you, make it a point to be somewhere talking to someone when you know it’s just going to hurt me, make it a point to keep throwing it in my face. why am i going to continue to believe what you say when you only show me that it doesn’t seem to matter to you how i feel?

If I could have just one wish, I would wish to wake up everyday to the sound of your breath on my neck, the warmth of your lips on my cheek, the touch of your fingers on my skin, and the feel of your heart beating with mine… Knowing that I could never find that feeling with anyone other than you. – Courtney Kuchta –

i do not want this…… –nin ——- i’m losing ground you know how this world can beat you down and i’m made of clay i fear i’m the only one who thinks this way i’m always falling down the same hill bamboo puncturing this skin and nothing comes bleeding out of me just like a waterfall i’m drowning in 2 feet below the surface i can still make out your wavy face and if i could just reach you maybe i could leave this place i do not want this i do not want this i do not want this i do not want this and don’t you tell me how i feel don’t you tell me how i feel don’t you tell me how i feel you don’t know just how i feel i stay inside my bed i have lived so many lives all in my head and don’t tell me that you care there really isn’t anything now, is there? you would know, wouldn’t you? you extend your hand to those who suffer to those who know what it really feels like to those who’ve had a taste like that means something and oh so sick i am and maybe i don’t have a choice and maybe that is all i have and maybe this is a cry for help i do not want this i do not want this i do not want this i do not want this and don’t you tell me how i feel don’t you tell me how i feel don’t you tell me how i feel you don’t know just how i feel i want to know everything i want to be everywhere i want to fuck everyone in the world i want to do something that matters i want to know everything i want to be everywhere i want to fuck everyone in the world i want to do something that matters i want to know everything i want to be everywhere i want to fuck everyone in the world i want to do something that matters i want to know everything i want to be everywhere i want to fuck everyone in the world i want to do something that matters i want to know everything i want to be everywhere i want to fuck everyone in the world i want to do something that matters

i’m looking forward to joining you, finally -nin ——————————————————————————– as black as the night can get everything is safer now there’s always a way to forget once you learn to find a way how in the blur of serenity where did everything get lost? the flowers of naivete buried in a layer of frost the smell of sunshine i remember sometimes thought he had it all before they called his bluff found out that his skin just wasn’t thick enough wanted to go back to how it was before thought he lost everything then he lost a whole lot more a fool’s devotion swallowed up in empty space the tears of regret frozen to the side of his face the smell of sunshine i remember sometime i’ve done all i can do could i please come with you? sweet smell of sunshine i remember sometimes

i hate fighting tears…i’m sitting here just wanting to cry and scream…i want things to be ok, i want to feel fine…i wish it wasn’t like this… it hurts to know that she’s upset, it hurts to know that she feels the same way…i wish we could both smile the way we used to….. …instead we both sit and hurt….

you’re scared when i look into your eyes because you are going to miss it. you’re afraid when i touch your hands because you know you won’t feel it again. you cringe when i hug you because you won’t feel our hearts pressed together anymore. you turn your head from me understanding that our lips shall never again touch. you watch me smile wondering if it will be the last time you see it. and you hesitate when i ask you to tell me to walk away and never look back because you know it isn’t what you want. you never wanted to see them end…and neither did i.

most things never turn out the way we want them to, i’m sure we should be used to it by now, but i can’t say that it hurts any less when they don’t. some things feel beautiful and wholesome, and we want to keep them close, and sometimes we shouldn’t. some people make us ecstatic and happy, and those same people can cause us more pain than we want to feel. there are the few rare occasions that we connect with someone, that we can see inside their heart and know that things could be different…that things could be exactly what we’ve wanted to find (or find again) and it can frighten us. i don’t want to be scared. i don’t want to feel the urge to fight for attention or affection, i want things to fall into place, i want things to become honest and real without the huge effort that most give…but is it going to happen? it’s amazing how drastically things can halt within such a short time frame. things go from amazing to “i fucking hate everything about you” overnight. how easily we can replace those we love with near-quality versions of them…only later realizing how much we just wanted the original. the further we downgrade, the more flaws we are simply going to find. it hurts to have your heart handed back to you in several pieces after someone decides they are done playing with it. i like the way you look at me, daniel i like the way you touch me i like the way you hold me i like the way you smile at me when i’m upset i like the way you would touch my hands when i came to your desk i like the way you felt when i held you close i like the way you focused all your attention on me i like the way your lips feel against mine i like the way you kiss my neck i like the way you breathe down my shoulders i like how everything with you was such a new and wonderful experience… i like the way you love me unconditionally, even though i hurt you. alas, i don’t have broad shoulders, i don’t have big muscles, i don’t have a fast car, i dress weird, i have earrings, i have a huge nosering, i have a lot of tattoos…and regardless of how i make someone feel, superficiality must always take precedence over emotions. i’m sure all those physical nuances can keep someone happy at night, they can make them feel special, they can give them tender love, they can be sensitive, they can touch your soul… this was the case all along.

in the words of Dr. Frankenfurter…. “…i’m not much of a man by the light of day, but by night i’m one HELL of a lover….”