i had some crazy dreams too…….. ah, and the other part, i was with all my high school gang of friends i hang out with now, and we were going to the movies or something, we had like 20 people with us, and i was late getting inside because someone kept talking to me when i tried to go in, and so i walk in and everyone including the person i was talking to had a seat saved, and no one held one for me. my friends indicated i should sit in the empty row BEHIND everyone…alone.

need you dream you find you taste you use you scar you fuck you break you –eraser NIN so i watched The Forgotten the other night…they had scenes of people being sucked into the sky…and it pains me to watch because i’ve dreamt of those things for a LONG time now…most people dream about falling, right? no, not me…i dream about being pulled into the sky. go figure. i want something painful to happen right now, not in a masochistic doomful way, i need something to happen that is significant and causes me to rethink my station in life…i probably need a new tattoo or piercing… maybe in the words of Raine…” …irrelevance, intelligence, a new tattoo, a lot more sex….” i dont want to be awake right now, its after fucking 4am…and i have too many things in my head to sleep clearly…well, maybe now that i’m awake, maybe they’ll visit me. maybe i can trick myself into lucidity, maybe i can have bad dreams and wake up scared and alone…it hasn’t happened in so long, i wonder if they’ve forgotten about me. maybe i’ll give them a reason to come find me, maybe i’ll find my roots again and start “noticing” the other things around me instead of all the beauty and love in the world. maybe i’m not such a threat to them anymore because i’ve pushed them out of my mind… maybe C might want to let us finish the dream that never went into completion that night, and maybe it can finally reveal to me why the fuck it was in my dream anyway… or maybe i’m delusional and crazy…and i put too much faith into all the things that happen when my eyes are closed… time to trick myself into sleeping.

my desire and anxiousness to kiss you even now is still as great as it was before the first time…

so…i’ve noticed a few journals are missing from my friends list. do what you think is easiest for you. on other topics…my life is good, nearly great, i don’t have many complaints. i haven’t written as much, i’ve kept myself a bit more physically active and haven’t been at home much. i’ve started working out finally, i’m going to have to go 4 times this week and 4 times next week to get reimbursed from work too, and i’m hoping to continue to go about 4 times a week. i’m tired of being the skinny guy that girls don’t like…the one that isn’t buff, the one with no definition, the one without broad shoulders. sure, my shoulders aren’t going to spread, i’ll never be broad…but at least i can compensate the other areas. i’m not sure how much yoga i’ll continue to do, i might do it a bit here and there just to increase meditation and flexibility. i’ve started drinking more water even, and i hate water…blehh…its so boring. maybe i should try the lemon juice thing with it. i ended up taking out one of my navel piercings, i tried to stretch them, but my body didn’t like it much, ended up migrating one of them out. ah well, now i can pierce it behind the scar and keep it in place.

“(s)AINT” I don’t care if your world is ending today I wasn’t invited to it anyway You said I tasted famous, so I drew you a heart But now I’m not an artist I’m a fucking work of art I’ve got an F and a C and I got a K too And the only thing missing is a bitch like you You wanted perfekt You got your perfekt But now I’m too perfekt for someone like you I was a dandy in your ghetto with A snow white smile and you’ll Never be as perfekt whatever you do

ruiner –nin ——————————————————————————– you had all of them on your side didn’t you? didn’t you? you believed in all your lies didn’t you? didn’t you? the ruiner’s got a lot to prove he’s got nothing to lose and now he made you believe the ruiner’s your only friend well he’s the living end to the cattle he deceives the raping of the innocent the ruiner ruins everything he sees now the only pure thing left in my fucking world is wearing your disease how’d you get so big? how’d you get so strong? how’d it get so hard? how’d it get so long? you had to give them all a sign didn’t you? (didn’t you?) didn’t you? you had to covet what was mine didn’t you? (didn’t you?) didn’t you? the ruiner’s a collector he’s an infector serving his shit to his flies maybe there will come a day when those that you keep blind will suddenly realize maybe it’s a part of me you took to a place i hoped it would never go and maybe that fucked me up much more than you’ll ever know how’d you get so big? how’d you get so strong? how’d it get so hard? how’d it get so long? and what you gave to me my perfect ring of scars you know i can see what you really are you didn’t hurt me nothing can hurt me you didn’t hurt me nothing can stop me now you didn’t hurt me nothing can hurt me you didn’t hurt me nothing can stop me now

maybe you’re right…maybe it isn’t me….mabe love just isnt enough. “i love you daniel” and mayvbe that isn’t enough..i always thoguth it was, but i cold be wrong. so tell me agaain? you don’t have broad shoulders. you dont listen to the same music. you dont danc3 the sam e way. you act jealous of me when i talk to other guys. sure….if that’s the reasons, then maybe you’reright. i might as well be called pincushion if thats the case. im apparently notwhat you want, i’m apparently so different that you dont want to believe that i coudl be differenet…… i’ve shown you things you’ve never felt, i’ve shown you things you didnt knowi existed…and yet you want to push them so far away from you…do waht you need, i dont exist, i dont do the things i tell you, i’m no different than anyone else…you’ll find someohe just like me, dont worry. i’m not fucking special in any way…i’m just like every othe fucking guy yo’re going to meet. if thats wha tyou want, take it. i cant see myself being with you when i’m 80. then dont. dont fuckint see yourslef with me when you’re 80. if thats whay you know, thentell me now. i offer you theworld, i offer anyone the world, and if they dont want to take it, its thjier loss, i’ll give the same to anyone. yo want to tell me that i’m not special., you want to tell me that i’m easily replaced…then fucking believe it…convice yourself you can find someone like me, convice yourslef you canfind someone that will do the things i do… im not fucking jealous, if you want those things, take them, who am i to stop you fro9m doing anything… be yourself by yourself….be who you want to be. if you decide you want me after you know who you are, then come find me. you’ve been one in a million to me, you’ve been something i didnt think i’d see again, and chances are i’m not going to replace you in the time it takes you to figure these things out. i’m insanely trashed and drunk ruight now and i shouldnt have geen driving, and i shouldnt be typing either, and i’m sure i’m going to make you mad, but daal with it, this is me, this is what i want to say. and yes, jen asked me “where is your nosering? why havent you been wearing it?” she obviously fuckign knlows that i dont wear it beczjse of you, she knos i act differnt, she knowsi have adjsutec myself for you…and i dont know wny i dol….mayvbe i’m just being fcuikngin retarded… you told me you love me…and i love you, with all my essence and all that i can possibly be for you…and you’re telling me that it isn’t enough…i dont know what else i can do for you to show you that things would be great…. find yourslef, be yoruslef, drag me along if you want, i like the pain, i’m fuck9ng used to it by now…i hurt and io survive, i feel pain and i thrive on it….i dont feel much else. pleasure doesnt remind me that i’m alive, pleasure doeesnt remind me that i am doing soemthin giodd…everyone fuckign hurts me…thats how i know i can stil feel somehting. i wanted you to come ove tonignt, i wanted to feel your hands around me, i wanted to feel your arms aroudn me, i wanted to feel you breathe, i wanted to feel you pressed against me…i wanted to smell your breath and know that you are here…you make me feel safe, you amke me feel scure, you malke me feel like something special whemn i know i shoulndt fcukcking feel a thing…i want to feel so empty, i want to feel so detached…i want to feel NOTHING compareed to what i feel foryoul and i cant make myslef do it…why do you have to be so gawddamn special in my eyes…you were untouchable because you had a bf of 3 years…. and i took the fucking time to try, itook the time to talk to you and get to nknow you…… why the fuck should i feel any different than anyone else….i’m just the same… you do what keeps yo safe, you do what makes you feel speciall..you do all those trhings you couldnt do because you were with some fucking asshole tha trjust took yo ufor granted for all that youa re…. i love you for what you are and who you are to me, and if you don’t like it, then i can’ t change your mind. you do what is best for you, and if it means living without me, theh you fucking tell me and i’ll detach and close my heart…it’s easy to do once youv’e been hurt as much as i have…. you’re beautiful, you’re special, you’re one of a kind, i’m in love with you and i’d be with you forever if you just said the words….

ok, i had dreams last night of seeing crystal and her family (well her mom and sisters), and i was in their house and her bf showed up. it was awkward, but we talked, i told him i don’t begrudge him or anything that happened, and that i’ve wanted to meet him and for us to be friends, so we started talking and everything was cool. i remember wanting to see the baby but she was never there, like always in another room everytime we looked. i dunno. i only talked to crystal for a minute or so in the dream. oh, it wasn’t a house i recognized either, it was white, white carpet, big stairs, all neo-modern artsy stuff i think.

so let me digress…. i’ve stretched a couple of piercings….i stretched my 12g navels to 8g rings now, i like the look, it looks a bit painful and red right now though. i’m hoping they hold up and don’t migrate like bastards. i also found the time and emotion to stretch my apadravya…and omg i thought i was going to pass out…it’s excruciating and exquisite all at the same time…the pain is so intense i started feeling faint and had to go lie on my back for a minute to catch my breath…the hardest part is going through the urethra. i finally managed to taper down to an 8g (from 10g) but i had a lot of trouble going through the bottom…i felt like i was just digging into skin and it wouldn’t come through, i finally just grit my teeth and started wiggling it and gently pushing until it found it’s way through…and finally it did. i used a 1″ barbell in case there was any swelling, but there hasn’t been, just slight discomfort. i also had oversized beads, like 10mm ones that were hanging pretty heavy, i ended up replacing it with a 7/8″ barbell and 5mm beads until the soreness goes away. among other things i went to a friend’s wedding on saturday, had a good time there of course, got pretty tanked

im tired…its naptime….