i will be the other person if thats what you need….never would i sacrifice myself for anyone or anythign…but if it means having you to call my own and to hold when pain is apparent…then i would choose to do so at the cost of my own free will and desires…. be mine…for fear that i might push you so far away as i have done all the others who have touched my soul when i never wanted them near… i dont want to be in love anymore, if this is what it feels like then i wish i could remain as cold and black as i pretend to be…. touch my heart and you will know that the feelings in your own heart are true, just close your eyes and stop trying to picture me as something else…you know i can make you happy, y ou just have to believe and you have to step outside of your set perspetives to bvelieeve that my heart is true… i’ve seen it in y our eyes, you hesitate becauseyou know somethig in me is telling you the truth and you are too pained and disgusted to believe me because i dont look like what society wants you to love… but it is there…you feel something, i only wish you would follow your inner sight and your heart and close your eyes to what you thnk is so wrong about me…..

i’m in love with ytou……fully and truly….i wish to God it werne’t true, but i know i am… and now i’m drunk, finally, the state i wanted to be in so i could be honest with myself…and now i can be…you are the most beautiful creature i’ve encoutntered lately, and you scare me beyond belief…i neveer thought i’d find someone like you again, but i did…and now i can’t believe it’s true…. i don’twant to be this way, i doint want to lvoe you, i dont want to feel the way i do for you right now, i have caused so many problems, i have caused you to be unfaithful, i have caused y ou to vbe untrue…i have caused you tobe so many things i never wanted you to be, and now you are… i o9nly wish that you could close your eyes and see me for who i am, for what i am…a creaturewho has fallen for you so deeply that it doesnt matter what you are or what you have become, i only see you for who you truly can be, by my side, by my heart…a thing so wonderful and so pure that we can be happy…. but i fear it can never be true…you dont want to lvoe me, you dont want to face the things you ahve seen in your soul, you dont want to face the thigns you yhave seen in your heart… i am hnot the one you wish to have found, you want to fidnsomene so unlike me that it pains me, and will continue t9 pain me until you have pushed yourself so far from my thoughts that i wontthink the things that i believe to be so treu right now… i only wish that you could close your eeyes and see me for waht i am…to see me for who i truly know that i can be…someone to make you happy…someone to make you feel all those things you hold dear to your heart…sojmeone to trust, count on, and rely on, and even…believe in…someone that could be there for you when you feel the most vulnerable and the most n pain….i will be that for you if you only gave me that chance and that opportnity…but i hfear that it may never happen because yourthoughts tell you that i’m not the right thing for you to grasp…i’m not the rightthing for you to look toward in your life…you must find someoen that fits your persona and your ideals that you have worked so desperately to achieve…. i’ll not be this way for long…i must adapt much like the rest of you people, i must change myself into what i truly desire to be…and it seems unfortunate that you will never gaze upon me the way i truly gaze upon you….with no judgement and wiht no malice….i see your true inner light, and you are blinding to the pooint that i wish i hadnt known you existed…you exemplify all those things i never thought i would see in anothe rhumnag soul……you shall remain exalted above all the rest, i will remember you, even when you push me farthest away from y ou….i shall continue tobelieve that you are special and you deserve something like me….as i feel i deserve something ilike you…. kiss me once and i will show you the words i say are true, i shall show you the things i know and belive…all ythesee things will happen if only you would close your eeyes and believe that i undoubtedly exist….your mind will see it, your heart will see it…but your mind tells you diffreerently, please see me with evertying else and stop believing that i will never be the kind that oculd make you smile on a rainy day…the kind that can make you feel warm inside when the world is against you…the pers0on that can make you understand that love can be painful and real….i will show you in my heart if you would only close your eyes and let me prove myself…….. i am in love with you……if i am not allowed to make you happy then i can only hope and dream tha tyou will find someoen who can give you all the things i wish you would let me show you…if you would only allow your lips to touch mine for the brieftest instant perhaps you would believe me…. i cry and watch you stay so distant….

nothing i can say that i haven’t said already… well, when it starts…in perpetuates… i’ve now pissed off or hurt MORE than one person, it seems a trend for this week…i wonder who else can be hurt by my words or actions now… i told you i’m calloused, cold-hearted and black-souled…but you people don’t believe me… the dream i had the other night, i don’t remember if i finished it and i don’t want to look and see…but it was about you, it was about lying on my couch…finishing the conversations we were having, staring at you and in your eyes, everything always seems calmer and clearer when i’m doing that…and finishing the moment that was so close to happening. perhaps i’m glad you saw what would happen and simply told me to “turn back around” as you did. i wish your views weren’t as fueled as they are…you say you don’t want to hurt me, but maybe that’s what i’m asking for…

you’re right, i never should have mingled, i never should have interrupted, i never should have sent that desperate text message…

perhaps it was only a dream i needed to have. perhaps i didn’t even see you last night…maybe i imagined it all…the painful words, the belief that it would never be true, the complexity of me being who i am… maybe you’re right, maybe i’m fooling myself in thinking that i can step outside of my league, step outside of my societal acceptance…maybe i was never meant to be. so many thoughts swelling in my head…so many visions…i dreamt you were still here, that our conversation continued, that you allowed yourself to take the step inside my world…that you ignored all those things that you believe to be so true… and alas, i woke up, as i always do…i realized it was a dream, that it didn’t happen…that it wasn’t going to happen… i wish i could make you see those things that are so apparent…i am still exactly the same soul that you knew before you saw your glimpse of “my world” …. apparently my existence frightens you, causes you to falter, gives you a sense of misunderstanding…maybe you never thought that yours does the same for me… i feel i have tears behind my eyes and i don’t know why…i think i just don’t have another emotion to feel about it right now, so perhaps it’s easier to respond this way… i have had a drastic impact on your life over only the few short months i’ve known you, and part of me wants to blame myself for your indiscretions and for showing you things that you didn’t know existed…i don’t like touching people’s lives the way i do…i don’t like to hear “you’re drastically different than anyone i’ve ever met” as much as that separates me from those i wish to be separate from…and now i feel i’m rambling… sometimes it’s never best to do what you want or what you feel…maybe i was wrong to follow my own feelings and not my own thoughts…my self-worth and rationality would never let me chase something like you…. maybe you SHOULD follow your thoughts and not what you feel inside…it has kept you safe from people like me. Crush -Dave Matthews Band- Crazy how it feels tonight Crazy how you make it all alright love You crush me with the things you do I do for you anything too Sitting smoking feeling high In this moment it feels so right Lovely lady I am at your feet God I want you so badly I wonder this Could tomorrow be So wondrous as you there sleeping Let’s go drive ’till morning comes Watch the sunrise to fill our souls up Drink some wine ’till we get drunk It’s crazy I’m thinking Just knowing that the world is round Here I’m dancing on the ground Am I right side up or upside down Is this real or am I dreaming Lovely lady Let me drink you please I won’t spill a drop I promise you Lying under this spell you cast on me Each moment The more I love you Crush me Come on It’s crazy I’m thinking Just knowing that the world is round Here I’m dancing on the ground Am I right side up or upside down Is it real or am I dreaming Lovely lady I will treat you sweetly Adore you I mean you crush me It’s times like these When my faith I feel And I know how I love you Come on Lady It’s crazy I’m thinking Just as long as you’re around And here I’ll be dancing on the ground Am I right side up or upside down To each other we’ll be facing By love we’ll beat back the pain we’ve found You know I mean to tell you all the things I’ve been thinking deep inside My friend With each moment the more I love you Crush me Come on So much you have given love That I would give you back again and again Meaning I’ll hold you And please let me always

the world stops when i see you, everything around me simply disappears and fades into nothing…the only thing that exists is you and me, as i stare into your eyes and feel for your heart… stop me from feeling this way… i would treat you like a queen, like a goddess….all the things i’ve done for you, all the things i do for you, all the things i will do for you…if only i were someone else, if only i had the look of a statue, if only i looked like someone else…if only i wasn’t merely who i am that you are so confused and so stricken with….i really exist, i wish you’d believe in me….

“Your The Reazon” (Twiztid) We haven’t come to the end of our journey This is just the begining The begining of what you ask? The begining of forever Through the eyes of many we are judged daily And although their hatred for use may seem great It will never surpass the love we pledge to each and every one of ya’ll Show me the reason why… (we do the things that we do) Show me the reason why… (take a chance with me I won’t let you down) Show me the reason why… (we represent the underground always have always will now) Show me the reason why… (take a chance with me I won’t let you down) You’re the reason why I can express myself freely And give the finger to those who try hate but wanna be me You’re the reason why I won’t do 20 to life You shead some light up on the might be able to change the world for all of us You’re the reason my heart is still pumping And I ain’t out on the corner dumping or shooting somthing You’re the reason we representing the twiztid sound Fuck the mainstream, the life fo me is the underground You’re the reason why the hotlines are updated And the website is always being upgraded You’re the reason why I’m glad to be a juggalo And bring the wicked shit to every town now everybody go Your the reason I be kissing the clouds And walk through the curtain and captivate the whole crowd You’re the reason I’ve exsisted all along You’re the reason for this song… Show me the reason why… (we do the things that we do) Show me the reason why… (take a chance with me I won’t let you down) Show me the reason why… (we represent the underground always have always will now) Show me the reason why… (take a chance with me I won’t let you down) You’re the reason why I get no sleep Somtimes it’s just a couple days On the tops it’s weeks and weeks You’re the reason why I still got heart For my los and lettes And BIG KIDS for the most part You’re the reason why the season never change If we paste our problems together We all can re-arrange and stand strong Your’s the reason why we been here so long And representing you for the beats that we flow on You’re the reason why we do what we do If you see us putting it down, we representing you You’re the reason why I want to cry Ya see we love ya muhthafuckas so much we dedicate our lives Family, unity, with diversity and individuality so fuck popularity You’re the reason why we sing this song And stay high till the break of dawn Hit the bong and come along Show me the reason why… (we do the things that we do) Show me the reason why… (take a chance with me I won’t let you down) Show me the reason why… (we represent the underground always have always will now) Show me the reason why… (take a chance with me I won’t let you down) You’re the reason why I can walk on top of water And represent your sons a daughters You’re the reason why I float below the ground And when the lights go I’m still alight Cause I’m living off of sound You’re the reason why I put my life into this shit I swear to god if you don’t feel me, I’m just as real as counter-fit You’re the reason why I’ve been chosen, selected With the juggalos I’m connected You’re the reason why I stop to give a shake a hand, and hug the honeys And tag a twiztid autograph You’re the reason why crows fly You’re the reason we scream DieMuthaFuckaDie to the outside And everybody who ain’t rapping this You’re the reason why the Carnival is blessing this You’re the reason why I act like a ninjalo You’re the reason why muthafacko I think ya know Show me the reason why… (we do the things that we do) Show me the reason why… (take a chance with me I won’t let you down) Show me the reason why… (we represent the underground always have always will now) Show me the reason why… (take a chance with me I won’t let you down) I wont let you down… I wont let you down… I wont let you down… I wont let you down… Show me the reason why… (we do the things that we do) Show me the reason why… (take a chance with me I won’t let you down) Show me the reason why… (we represent the underground always have always will now) Show me the reason why… (take a chance with me I won’t let you down) Show me the reason why… (we do the things that we do) Show me the reason why… (take a chance with me I won’t let you down) Show me the reason why… (we represent the underground always have always will now) Show me the reason why… (take a chance with me I won’t let you down) It’s coming… It’s coming… It’s coming… It’s coming… It’s coming…

getting ready to play half life 2 for the first time….

my head swirls with a frenzy of emotion so close to the surface it’s intoxicating…..