who knows, who cares, who things, who believes, who breathes, who sighs, who shines, who withers, who stops, who runs, who fixes, who creates, who touches, who …really….matters….. where is my fucking ashtray sometimes i wish it were easier to cry, i wish it were easier to open the floodgates and empty all that sits behind my eyes waiting. but now is not the time. i’m happy, at least i believe i’m happy. or as they say in Dogma, i have a “pretty good idea” that i’m happy…at least that way i can change my idea. i can’t say i’ve had many times when i really “yearn” for something…but i think i’m in one of those times. i’m only lining myself up for disappointment though i fear…as i always do. i like to blindly bounce around thinking that things will somehow be “different this time” and they usually aren’t. at least i can be happy with my own anticipation and wealth of emotion now, i haven’ t felt this euphoric in quite some time. it’s a relief to know i still have the capability. she’s incredible. i haven’t found an adequate word to really describe it…and why the fuck do i feel this way? perhaps it’s the way she smiles, perhaps it’s the way she randomly glances at me and makes me want to blush…just knowing she’s even looking at me…it’s in my neck, an unusal chakra to be feeling things, but it’s there. it’s almost like the feeling you get when you are overwhelmed with sadness and pain, the feeling you have in your neck and throat when you want to burst into agonizing tears…only it’s the opposite…it’s a surging feeling of happiness and exquisite beauty…and i love feeling it. just remember daniel…you’re not the right one. i can’t let myself overcome my insecurity and i can’t dwell in the belief that my heart will ever be touched with a reciprocating hand…i’ll let myself be happy if only for the thoughts in my head. dreams can be cruel and unforgiving…but alas they can also be rhythmatically gorgeous, and when i’m in those dreams i don’t want to open my eyes because i don’t want that singular moment to fade from my grasp. king for a day, fool for a lifetime. i burn with feeling and sensation, i feel so elevated, i feel so ALIVE. i find my misery in shoving needles in my body or transfiguring my flesh in the name of art and expression, but so far i don’t think it can compare to what i’ve been soaking and bathing in lately…for once again it is something truly remarkable. i want to continue to feel this way, i want to continue to have someone to share my mind and heart, i want someone who listens and pays attention…they are so few and far between it pains me to think that my time may flee and drip through my fingers as quickly as it was found. i desperately want to stare into those eyes and see all that lies in that fragile soul…i want to see all those things that frighten me the most, i want to see that everything i’m thinking is explicitly valid and waiting to look directly back at me… i feel the terror of a hand fumbling for another in the dark, the shiver of touching a face under a full moon in a second of intense passion previously unfelt, the ultimate power of two full eyes staring back into my own soul and knowing exactly what i’m thinking and feeling…i want it to be real. i want it to be honest. i want it to be, simply because it IS. i want comfort, unharmed love, unthinkable normalcy…i want a hand to touch my face and tell me “i feel it too.” and like the cartoon strip a friend once gave me, i feel like i’m asking for “a pet unicorn to give me a magical ride all the way to candyland” because i fear it may never happen…so in the meantime i will sit and wait, i will sit and wonder, i will sit and imagine that it will happen…and then when it does, i’ll understand why i’ve been so damaged in the past. if not for the pain beyond recognition, i would never have exalted myself to the level i currently have…and i would never truly know what i’m waiting to find… i’m right in front of you, i only need you to SEE me for what i am. close your eyes and you’ll see my face…open them and i’ll be standing there waiting…

You are the Marquis Da Sade. Even stripped of
exaggerations, Your real life was as dramatic
and as tragic as a cautionary tale. Born to an
ancient and noble house, you were married
(against your wishes) to a middle-class heiress
for money, caused scandals with prostitutes and
with your sister-in-law, thus enraging your
mother-in-law, who had you imprisoned under a
lettre de cachet for 14 years until the
Revolution freed you. Amphibian, protean,
charming, you became a Revolutionary,
miraculously escaping the guillotine during the
Terror, only to be arrested later for
publishing your erotic novels. You spent your
final 12 years in the insane asylum at
Charenton, where you caused another scandal by
directing plays using inmates and professional
actors. You died there in 1814, virtually in
the arms of your teenage mistress. You are a revolutionary deviant. I applaud you.

Which Imfamous criminal are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

it’s been too long. my plan last night was to get drunk and release all the tension, thoughts, madness and emotion from my head last night, but i fell asleep early, so we’re gonna try this the sober way. perhaps tomorrow i can perpetuate the drunken state and make more sense of things. so daniel, what are you thinking? well…i’m thinking too much obviously. first things first, the dream last night…it included several people that i care about, most of it is fuzzy though. i checked with one of the people and they were ok, i pictured her in a lot of emotional pain and she was crying to me…but it was simply a miscreated vision. the other part…well, of course it deals with the one most pertinent on my mind, the one that is unreachable and out of grasp. it was almost funny, like, i was dreaming in the dream of what happened…i don’t remember details but i just remember we were out somewhere, i believe i was leaning against a railing of some sort, perhaps a fence or something. i was hugging her, like, her head was pressed under my chin against my chest and we were talking but i don’t know what we were talking about. i sorta “dozed off” in the dream i think, and evidently muttered those 3 strange words, and then she repeated them back, and it startled me like, i didn’t realize i said it…kinda like “what did you say?” and then i tried to explain that i had nodded off and didn’t know what i was saying, but it didn’t seem to matter. it was meaningful and more innocent than it would sound i suppose. great, i just realized i grabbed my empty pack of cigs…now i have to get up… ok now to continue. i’m feeling a little silly, i’m chasing a star and i’m just gonna burn my hands as always. no, this isn’t self-loathing so shut the fuck up about it sounding depressing and melancholy, i’m just stating my opinion. i think i’ve dreamt of her in some fashion several days this week, always slight and insignificant though, never much truly on the surface. i guess it’s incriminating enough that i would even see her face while i’m sleeping. i picture so much distance in her eyes, it seems she has allowed herself to believe so many things that don’t need to be, and of course it’s always easier to see from the outside. things that are comfortable are the hardest to step away from. i’ve been asked if i’m jealous of others…well, of course i am, i swallow that pride more than anything else. i suppose i feel so repressed about what i have to offer…and then to be so limited just because of archtypal beliefs of what someone should be to fit inside a mold…i try to be as human as everyone else, i tend to have the same emotions and the same responses, but i will never admit to it…i want to separate myself so much from the other “guys” out there but it doesn’t seem to make a difference to most. it’s only those random few that open their doors and let me touch their true heart, and i’d like to say that they’ve at least felt SOMETHING from me…i think it’s getting easier as time goes on though, the constant search for someone to actually FEEL something around…the last recent one was stacey, my aquarian twin, but i just don’t think we were ever meant to be “in love” as we wanted. and of course before that, we have the she-hag…the one that left me damaged to the point i felt i wouldn’t repair…but i did. i won’t say that time heals all, i say that resilience to pain heals all. people question my motives for hurting myself with piercing and tattooing, but until you’ve felt that ridiculous feeling of “i’m never going to be good enough for anyone” then you wouldn’t understand i guess…as i’ve increased my tolerance, my emotional tolerance seems to grow. i can be rejected…and i can have a needle shoved through my body and the physicality is much more intense than the emotional…it keeps me even i guess, in some sick way. i’ve said it before, and i’ll say it again, i’ll watch you fucking fall, and i’ll always be the one standing there to pick you up. i have limitless persistence and infinite fucking patience… now maybe i can cleanse my head… daniel…make up your mind…choose something, notice something, feel something…those that catch my eyes usually have beauty that everyone would notice…and once past that the cosmic rolls into play…i’m not going to settle for something or someone, i’ll get what i want, and i won’t take anything less. i see something in your eyes, there is something in your heart, something in your soul…and i can’t ignore it. it puts me in a bad position because i’ve said similar things before, and i can only say the words that i think it’s something uniquely different and that i haven’t felt this type of surge and this type of emotion in quite some time…i’m drawn to your charge, your beauty, your bright glow…and you terrify me. i didn’t think i would be able to see something so blinding inside another person again, or perhaps i told myself it wouldn’t be possible..but now i’m seeing it and it makes me stammer in thought and speech. my heart jumps when i see you, it flutters when i hear your laughter and see your smile…i shiver when i stare into your eyes…you’ve infected my essence with your remarkable personality…and your eyes…you hold me under your power. i wish i could be the one to make you happy, i wish i could be the one to make you feel secure, i wish i could be the one you depend on…it’s a blessing to know you. perhaps i should have kept my mouth shut on that starry night, but something urged me to speak, and i can’t fight my instinct, no matter how dangerous it might be, and even for it to cause such complication or repercussion within my heart… if your lips were poison, i’d gladly suffer the consequences if even for the slightest moment…

If I can’t have everything well then just give me a taste…

I really wanted to write tonight but it appears my cable modem is all
jacked up…so now I can’t even try my new broadband phone
service…wtf…

I touched the cheek of a gypsy And I kept him in my soul I love his defiance His beauty makes me whole I dreamed I was a wild eyed dancer Who could tame him and make him stay But my reluctance to let him go Has driven him away And in my sleep I hear him sing His song so far away And think I tamed the gypsy If only for a day. thanks lorraine…

so i spent alot of time with my new crush…a LOT of time…she’s awesome awesome awesome….she is beautiful, caring, intelligent….just awesome…too many words. anyway, i got to spend a night lying in bed with someone and just talking until the sun came up…something i haven’t done in a long time, and i loved it…i really miss things like that…it’s beautiful times like that…i can’t say more, i don’t think i should dwell on it too much or i’ll just mess it up in my head… you’re beautiful girl, you know it.

Happy anniversary danya, its 11-3 again…