metal
originally by gary numan

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we’re in the building where they make us grow
and i’m frightened by the liquid engineers
like you

my mallory heart is sure to fail
i could crawl around the floor just like i’m real
like you

the sound of metal i want to be you
i should learn to be a man
like you

plug me in and turn me on
oh everything is moving

i need my treatment it’s tomorrow they send me
singing “i am an american”
do you?

picture this if I should make the change
i’d love to pull the wires from the wall
did you?

and who are you and how can i try
here inside i like the metal
don’t you

all i know is no one dies
i’m still confusing love with need

ok, i don’t remember all the details on this one, i just remember being part of some “group” and it was almost like we were Voltron…i remember 2 members climbing into this giant machine as i was watching, and i remember afterwards it was like a toy, i was flipping switches and such and it was punching and doing toy things. we were protecting others against these folk dressed in black, but i don’t know what the threat really was. it became apparent that i was some integral part of the “good guys” but i don’t know how involved. shortly after the dark folk arrived, they disappeared, as if either scared away or “defeated” by us…and then my folk were gone as well and i seemed to be inside some store, like Target…and some old man was smiling at me, and i told him thank you, and he was trying to indicate that i was a good choice to be part of the group, i guess i had been chosen.

something after that it seems like i was inside a game or something or other, like being pk’d …who knows what that’s all about.

the tears of a child afraid, confused, and unaware of why they are being punished or otherwise reprimanded can be more painful to the soul than most of the foulest events in love and heartbreak. i saw the tears well up as she looked at me for help, she did not understand and only knew that something was wrong and so she cried…a child doesn’t understand the feeling of the word “sorry” and i wish people could figure out that scolding them to say “i’m sorry” isn’t going to teach them anything except an automated conditioned respose without any validity behind it…the precious time i enjoy spending with her had to be trampled because she used a word she didn’t understand with insult and someone wished her to apologize for her actions. she had no idea what she had done and had no clue what the words even meant. so instead of seeing her laugh and play and smile, i listened to her cry out for protection and solace for those of us that were not allowed to help her while she was being scolded and punished. i also don’t think this person realized that by trying to force a response from her that she only understood that she said something to ME and then got in trouble, she looked at me as if i was the one doing it…i can only relate that she probably places me at fault for being told “tell daniel you’re sorry” repeatedly. being a child with less abstract mental skills than an adult, i can only hope that she can forget about the events and not hold me responsible for her punishment. i haven’t had that type of swelling in my soul for quite some time, and now that i think of it, maybe i should have cried instead of biting my lip, maybe then they would stop and try to understand the pain as well.

had more strange dreams last night…i hardly remember much of it, i know i should write it after i have it so i don’t lose it so quickly. i do remember seeing crystal in it, she was frantically looking through some large house for something, i was following with her room to room and she was acting like i wasn’t even there. almost like she didn’t even want to see me, like she wouldn’t even look at me, but not in a hateful way. other part i remember some girl…i guess i really had deep feelings for her, i just remember us briefly talking and that she had another, and near the end her family told me she was leaving with another guy, and i remember them showing me a ticket that said “corpus christi” and so it was like i would NEVER get her if i didn’t act…like it was terribly far away or something…so i made the move as she was in teh car with her guy, and both of us realized we were in love…and of course pissed a lot of people off, but i guess that’s how it works. oh, i also remember flying at some point, i think it was in the house with crystal. i do believe my new method of travel seems to work, that if i concentrate on moving to an object faster, then i will. it doesn’t work just thinking myself to move faster, it’s like i have to focus on a point and move myself toward it. a little more practice and i should have it down well. i’m getting fatter again, i really need to start doing something about this gut of mine. my torso is getting too thick. i need a good regiment to work strictly on my stomach. hell we have a weightroom at work, maybe i should start working out fully now.

i am drunk and i think i am falling for someone again that i should never fall for….thats my life…i always wnnt the ones that are already taken……

so where do i stand now? ok, i’m drunk, finally, and sitting at teh keyboard, so truth can flow again…. i think i’m a bit uneasy with tyring to pursue relationships, i can tell that i’m hesitant about allowing myself to have deep true feelings for peopel, but i guess that’s just a defense mechanism. people woudl like to tell me that i’m cynical and bitter because of what happened to me, but i don’t think tha’ts tru;ly it. i can appreciate what happened to me now, i can appreciate that someone had the nerve and the guts to leave the situation when it wasn’t going the proper way. so many people i know have shown me how reluctant they are to leave a fucking dickhead guy…they just stay and put up with bullshit that is unnecesary, it almost makes me sick. i think it does make me a bit more distant by knowing what girls really are looking for…the like to be treated like shit…i can treat a girl like a goddess but she’d rather have some fucking insignificant challenge bhy having some dude act like they just don’t care…girls think they are gonna fucking change them…it’s such a stupid idea but that’s nearly how all of them are… i’ve had eyes for a few new peopel lately, but i don’t know if those eyhes are being returned…one of them i remember clearly the first time i actually laid eyes on her…i thought she was beautiful from that first day…and i never thought that i’d have the chance to simply talk to her, but it seems i have received that oppportunity… so where does this leave me? well, i’m stioll trying to pursue the untouchable…the people that i dont’ have a chance to obtain, the dreams i can only keep inside my head and never achieve. well, that’s the story of my time on earth, some things are better left as a fantasy, at least that way i can’t taint them and force myself to believe that they aren’t as beautiful as i once thought. i can definitely say that my new personm i’m watching is special in a way that i’m not sure i even understand….there is something about fire that intrigues me, i guess i like to allow myself to be burned…it’s admirable to find someone so playful and so free….

who knows…so many weird things going thru my head when i sleep.

last night was terribly lucid, so much that i could almost mistake it for an OBE, but then again maybe it was. i felt fairly conscious of my body being in bed and breathing, and at the same i was conscious of my dream state and all that was going on. i vaguely remember it starting with a dentist office, i was in for a cleaning or something, but it was like a dark cemented office, like in a parking garage. it was around then i gained awareness of my body and the mental split…i remember asking if they had a nitrous gas leak because i thought i was high from that. somehow i got myself out of there and tried floating through the walls and going elsewhere. it was a bit blurred from there, i don’t remember accomplishing much, but i think i learned a valuable lesson and technique…i was having issues with speed, and i think i have figured out the problem. it’s hard to focus mentally on just “going faster” and i solved it by finding an object and “willing” myself toward it, more like needing to get to it SOONER and by doing so i moved faster. perhaps the issue with breaking the feeling of your sluggish body and trying to move faster in a dream is based on your direct goal. i’ll have to experiment with this some more soon to see if i can sustain faster speeds throughout other experiences. i definitely was flying faster than i’d ever moved in a dream state before, so it must have some relevance. i also remember being in MY house, and thinking something was going on outside, i remember looking out the window and things were all screwy, like cars were in the wrong places and such. i was doing quite well with floating through walls and objects and such, too. the only major constants i was having were the floors and ceilings, those always tend to remain stable and it’s harder to convince myself i can go through them.

perhaps more will come to me, i waited too long since i woke up to commit this to words though, and i’m probably not going to remember much else.