i did it again…i hurt another, i don’t want to be idolized, i don’t want infatuation…it only causes problems… i’m not the one you want i’m not the one you want i’m not the one you want i’m not the one you want i’m not the one you want i’m not the one you want i’m not the one you want i’m not the one you want i’m not the one you want i’m not the one you want i’m not the one you want i’m not the one you want i’m not the one you want i’m not the one you want…… don’t tell me i’m not like anyone you’ve ever met, i’m not that special, i’m only going to hurt you in the end….besides…you’re still only human…

you belittle me you treat me like a child you make it my fault you don’t respect my thoughts you don’t respect my feelings you take for granted i’ll fuck you you make me believe i’ll never do better you apologize for the way i react and never for your actions that made me react you haven’t made me a priority you make me cry you cause me pain you cause me to question my own validity you cause me to question my own value you tell me everything will be fine and nothing ever changes you want someone to stand AT your side and not BY your side you never show emotion you can’t say you love me you never speak of the future you expect me to stay when i really just want to go you don’t compliment me when i’m pretty you don’t hug me when i’m sad you don’t support my emotional outbursts when i need you the most you don’t hold my hand in public you won’t chase me if i leave you won’t let me exist in my own life without your permission you make me believe that this is the way things are you make me believe that men are simply like this you make me believe that i am happy i don’t trust you i don’t think i can do any better i think you’re the best i’ve had i think you fuck me because you love me i believe you when you make everything my fault i believe you when you tell me i’m overreacting i tell myself you don’t compliment me because it’s not in your nature i tell myself you don’t touch me because you don’t understand how to be affection i can’t make you mad because you might hate me i let you make me mad and walk over me because you could leave me i believe you when you tell me you really like me when we aren’t fighting i believe that you must truly care since you can only like me under your specific terms i believe you when you tell me she’s just a friend i tell myself that maybe i am a burden and you’re doing me a favor by staying with me i sit on your couch when i want to go out i follow your rules because i think it makes you happy with me i allow you to not have time for me unless it’s convenient i believe your voice when you tell me all those things you say i’ve made you my world and my idol —- for those who can feel my breath at the end of each word. -d.

i know this isn’t true…this person doesn’t ever read my journal!

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Your soul is OPEN-MINDED. Although you do have
strong opinions and make decisions, you never
make them without thinking first of not only
everything that is, but those that may not be
as well. People trust that you’ll willingly
hear them out and understand when they tell you
something, and you are well-liked for it. You
are often the mediator in disputes and your
desire to do what is right overcomes all else.
You are an understanding and admirable soul.

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i can’t really express what is in my head right now…i don’t know the words. i looked at some old pics just now, and i guess it flooded a few things back that i wasn’t in the mood to notice. she was pretty, she was pure…and i have to remember, she was not for me. i’m sure i’d feel better knowing that we could be friends, but i still don’t think that it’s ever going to happen because of the current situation. i don’t want that level…it’s outside influences that would keep us from at least being close. whatever. im fucking tired.

Para-noir Lyrics by Marilyn Manson [Dita:] I’d fuck you because you are famous I’d fuck you for your money I’d fuck you to control you I’d fuck you so someday I can have half of everything you own I’d fuck you to fuck you over I’d fuck you until I find someone better Then fuck you in secret I’d fuck you because I can’t remember if I’d already fucked you before I’d fuck you out of boredom I’d fuck you because I can’t feel anything anyways I’d fuck you to make the pain go away [Manson:] Fuck you because I loved you Fuck you for loving it, too I don’t need a reason to hate you the way I do Fuck you because I loved you Fuck you for loving it, too I don’t need a reason to hate you the way I do Hate you the way I do Hate you the way I do Hate you the way I do Hate you the way I do [Dita:] I’d fuck you so I could feel something instead of nothing at all I’d fuck you because you are beautiful I’d fuck you because you are my nigger I’d fuck you because I am your whore I’d fuck you because you are a whore I’d fuck you for fun I’d fuck you for fun I’d fuck you because I can’t I’d fuck you so I have a place to stay I’d fuck you so you will protect me [Manson:] Fuck you because I loved you Fuck you for loving it, too I don’t need a reason to hate you the way I do Fuck you because I loved you Fuck you for loving it, too I don’t need a reason to hate you the way I do Hate you the way I do Hate you the way I do Hate you the way I do Hate you the way I do I don’t need a reason to hate you the way I do Hate you the way I do Hate you the way I do Hate you the way I do Hate you the way I do