my house has become infested with fleas…and i mean INFESTED. like, within only a few days of seeing like one flea on occasion, i’m now bombarded with them….i’ve been hit with about 5 or 6 just for sitting down for 20 seconds. time to bomb the house and try to figure out where teh fuck the hardy bastards came from. that and i hope they don’t have the bubonic plague, cuz that would suck ass and i would never pick up any chicks.

http://www.gamespot.com/gba/action/rivercityransom/news_6072386.html

and once again the precious sun is rising…and i’m still awake to see it alone.

http://www.theonion.com/onion3731/god_gives_shout-out.html

i’ve seen the sun come up every morning for the past fucking two weeks. such a constant reminder that a fresh day is starting and i still have nothing to do and no one to share it with. hmmm.

no one is ever as happy as they appear to be. of course everyone busts me on my self-contradiction of how i want to appear so cold and then find myself falling for yet another silly girl, and it’s true. i don’t feel anything. but i WANT to feel something. who is to say that i AM human if i’m not following the pattern of emotions that others have? i have such a lack of everything right now…and then of course i’m not THE ONE that they want anyway. i came to an epiphany tonight as well. everyone says that married men and even guys in a relationship always find that women want them MORE once they are involved. and why would that be? because of fucking confidence. chicks dig confidence in a guy, and when i guy has a girlfriend, then he doesn’t WORRY about having to impress anyone else! i know for damn sure that i felt SO much better about myself when i was in a relationship, i never found myself having to worry about looking “good” or being perfectly presentable or whatever. and i know that i got a few more looks at that time, because it encompasses two things. 1. if a guy has a girlfriend, there is a common misconception that the guy must have “something to offer” and that is why the girl is with him. 2. the self-confidence level of the guy has increased dramatically, and he has the sense that “hey, i can pick up THIS girl, i’m sure i could get more” and that level of being so sure of themself exhudes from the body and women notice the confidence. now, on the other hand, women are not exempt from social distortions. 1. women can sometimes feel exempt from the rules of decency with flirting if they have a boyfriend, because since they are involved they feel less responsible to act on those flirtations…hence “i have a boyfriend, sorry i gave you the wrong impression.” 2. women have a keen eye on keeping options open, just in case “this one” isn’t the right one, and so they will allow themselves to have a lot of “guy friends” that they KNOW are attracted to them, and then keep the level of flirtation at just the right level to keep the guy interested without crossing the “cheating” line. and then again, i could be completely full of shit.

i should get paid for doing this video editing stuff….but then i’d probly enjoy it less if i did it as a real job.

something is drastically missing from my life, and i’m a bit hesitant and unsure to admit it. i’ve always missed crystal, she was beautiful and we had a great time together, and at the same time she isn’t what i’m lacking. if things had been different her life would not be the way it is now. i can suspect that mine would be similar to what it is now, but alas she would never have gotten pregnant and had the child she so recently had. i’ve had the same path with danya once, as her child would not have come into being had we gotten back together at that time. those things have happened for reasons unbeknownst to us and our human comprehension, and it is therefore not my place to give any thought. i can simply try to understand and believe fully that those things were never meant to be in my life in a fashion different than what they are now. the thing i miss so terribly is having ANYone there for me at any time. i do my best to be that person in any regard for all those closest to me, but yet i don’t feel the same type of reciprocation…perhaps it is my own inability or refusal to bow down my emotional detachment. sure i find a “new flavor” quite often, and i gather the belief that maybe she could be a positive match for my eccentric tastes of women, and usually it turns out to be something that has become a constant failure. merely a few have touched upon traces of my heart and embedded themselves, most simply become a passing fancy that i failed to fully attempt to understand before grasping for them. there have been beautiful women cross in front of my eyes and nearly within my fingertips, but it always seems to be something i’m not supposed to have. some have reversed my thoughts of them while others will never reverse their thoughts of me. and to that i understand, it was simply not meant to happen. there are a billion attractive faces out there waiting, though it is sometimes hard to consciously believe it. my vanity lies in finding an attractive shell with matching inner light…something that becomes more of a challenge. my struggle will continue, i’m sure, and at least i’m ahead of the game by not having to deal with the emotional agony of a distraught relationship. i will love with the magnitude of a thousand blowing gales, and encompass another soul with the grasp the ocean has on the shores. no one has been ready for that yet. i suppose what brought it on was some stupid reminiscing inside the video store tonight…i found myself standing in the exact location of a memory….a fleeting thought of turning to a girl and questioning a choice of a movie….and of course that moment was no more and she wasn’t going to be standing there. thus, the cycle continues.

i feel i’m being ignored from several different angles now and i’m not sure why….and if you question it, then you should question if you feel guilty about it.

THERE IS NO NEW THING UNDER THE SUN. IS THERE A THING OF WHICH ONE MIGHT SAY,SEE THIS, IT IS NEW? IT HAS ALREADY BEEN FOR THE AGES WHICH WERE BEFORE. Eccl.1:10 need to verify this.