I dreamt of love, and dreamt of death, all within less than 3 hours.

Her name was Denise, I think, and now I’m forgetting her face.  I only remember her energy, and the shine behind her eyes, and in that smallest moment, I felt something real again.

The visions always fade so quickly.  Blonde hair, thin frame, infectious smile…but I don’t even know how we met.  I don’t know where we met.  I somehow ended up in her place, and felt a bond so strong that I’d forgotten it was possible to feel that way.

Then she said she had to leave, and both of us felt the pain in our hearts, the tears welled in our eyes, and how we both spoke nearly the same thing at the same time “I haven’t known you long but I don’t want you to go” and then kissed me. And as always, the trouble followed…waking up moments later in the dream, surrounded by other people with her, and an angry family that disapproved of me…and the makeup-breakup boyfriend showing up to interfere.

I remember a pool, and a calm, but dark sky…and of course I’m terrified of water in my dreams since I can’t swim, and even still knowing that I won’t die in my dreams I can’t force myself to overcome that fear.  For this dream it was irrelevant though, I only remember it in passing.

The events following this are blurry now, I only remember that she was supposed to be leaving with this guy for some event, and how she had waited for 2 hours and he hadn’t returned.  Soon he did walk in, and seemed like we were in some type of theater with rows of seats, and I was ducked down watching this argument and fight.

Things got fuzzy again, and then I blinked and was in a living room, and what appeared to be this girl’s father was now yelling at her, and then became angry with me, yelling “this is all your fault, you ruined her life”.  Confused, obviously, I’m fervently questioning what had happened, as she was in tears and the father wielding a knife.  I was near a couch, and the father came slowly at me, frantic and crying, and flung his arm in a large arc from overhead, toward me.  I was just barely out of range, and by some result, the man had slipped forward in this lunge, and the knife had jutted deeply under his sternum during his stumble, and was left motionless and dead in a pile of blood.

The girl then grabbed my hand and we ran outside, and there was a mumbled conversation but I don’t remember the words, and I only remember the sting.  She was smiling that I was ok, and that we just had to go, and then I lifted my shirt to show her what happened.  In the man’s knife swing downward, I thought he’d missed, but had in fact punctured the front of my stomach, which was bleeding profusely and making me weaker.  In her eyes I saw her fear and remorse, how pale she was when seeing what happened…and we turned to walk toward a building as I told her she had to call for help.  The world was fuzzy and dull, but I felt her tears on my hand as I touched her face, and saw only red as I looked downward, and then everything went black.

and now she is back in my dreams?  this is uncalled for.  there’s really no obvious reason (subtle, yes) that i should even bother dreaming of her.  it’s bothersome.  and the first dream was reconciliation and sorrow, second was back to dumping me because i needed to use my free time for work projects and that wasn’t being spent with her.

of course that sounds about right…at least my dream was realistic.  but still, fuck me.  i don’t need these thoughts even in my subconscious right now.