So many times I wish my gut instinct could be wrong or off, just once.

The voices are screaming again. They always have my best interest, yet I still ignore them. They’re telling me it’s all clearly right in front of me, but still I ignore them. I always ignore them.

And now I start remembering why I ever believe those that call me Monster. Some days it’s difficult to contain the darkness.

But I still do, and I keep fighting it.

My black, broken heart will always be stronger than your rosy, delusional sense of happiness. 🙂

I realized today…that I’m so pissed at myself for censoring my thoughts a year ago. Every single visceral pen stroke that I’d erased at the behest of a lying, whining face wanting to preserve social dignity.

Of course comfort wasn’t found so quickly in the arms and bed of another. Of course my feelings matter. Of course I’m simply a casualty of love and it wasn’t meant to be this way.

Of course every word from my lips wasn’t meant to hurt you, though I only laughed as you fell further and further.

It’s curious…never before have I wanted to destroy something in my life so completely. I’ve always been the sentimental one to retain and remember even the slightest and meaningless things…but as I started erasing those wasteful thoughts, I understood that my heart was happier.

I don’t want to feel happier by erasing someone’s existence. This doesn’t feel like the right thing to have in my heart.

It sickens me that I still hear those words. It disgusts me that I even allowed that smallest bit of my soul to be destroyed that night.

Most would argue it was coincidental, but history has shown you to be a manipulative genius.

“I’m sick of your bullshit. You’re a selfish, arrogant prick, and I’m done dealing with you. You’re an asshole and I never want to see you again.”

And part of me is still burning.

Every time such words were spoken, they were simply bullshit.

“why didn’t you call me?”

“why didn’t you chase me?”

“you didn’t try to fix it, so I knew you didn’t care.”

Yaknowwhat?? FUCK you. And verily, fuck all of you that have ever said such things to me.

They call ME the manipulative one…they say I’m emotionally detached…and yet these conditions and excuses were placed on my breakups?

You walk out my door and blame ME for not chasing? It’s psychotic. It’s certainly one damn way to remove all blame from being so shallow and so quick to turn tail.

Blaming me…blaming everyone else…but never blaming yourself…and in that same process, you wanted me to destroy myself. You wanted me to truly feel that I was the problem.

And I believed you. I believed every single word of it, and died slowly, day after day.

And you fucking girls (and guys) are making people feel this way the world across.

You call yourselves human? You call yourself righteous and wholesome?

Twisted fucks.

Tell me you don’t want to be with me because you DON’T, not under the guise of how “I” didn’t chase you when you acted fucking childish and immature.

Sigh.

Perhaps I’m perpetually broken. Perhaps I’m always the catalyst and the lesson. Bending my knees to serve my purpose has always been most difficult, but at times, we must simply do as we are told.

And perhaps my indignation is my torment… Or is it my salvation?