Never have I had such a loving, rewarding relationship.

…she melts my heart, and shows me things I thought I couldn’t find.

Be happy.  Be happier.  I have a chance to be happier right now, and I’m going to take every chance, risk all outcomes, and feel every single emotion when I’m in those moments.

And I will gladly continue falling for you.

There is the easy path, and there is the difficult path.  I can’t say that I often choose the easy path.  Everything I choose is so dreadfully difficult.  Are you the easy path, or are you the difficult path?  Does it matter to anyone but me?

If I want something, I would move mountains and defy the world to have it, if it means a shot at feeling something more than adequacy.  The danger inherent in such things…is chasing dreams that only I’m having.  If this is only my dream, I need to stop chasing it.

it’s ironic that someone can cause me to speak so effortlessly, and also cause me to feel complete silence.  we are back to the beginning, which is of course, the place i know best.  i don’t know where to go from here.

it can be difficult to be exceptional…because it often leads to being an exception.  it hurts being the exception.  part of me yearns to be the rule…and not the exception.  i don’t always want to be the one that is different and new and unlike the others, there are days i’d prefer to be the same, because at least i could be one that’s easier and more likely chosen.

so what is there to say?  which direction should my emotion be channeled?  this is what i haven’t figured out just yet, as emotion is generally so illogical and infallible and just causes me to misspeak what i intend.  right now, the resentment is running high, and it makes me crave going for blood.  it makes me want to be insulting and emotionally damaging.  that’s what i’m good at when i’m hurt…i’m very good at making people feel emotional pain in some vain attempt to make them understand what they’ve made me feel…but it seems so worthless.  nothing is solved from me lashing out unjustly, and i’m fiercely fighting my words to keep them inside right now.

what i feel right now is that i’ve been placed in second, and made to feel that none of what has happened was worth one single thing.  was i worth the time spent, the hours burned, the emotions given?  therein lies the paradox…because what i’ve been made to feel is that…no…i wasn’t worth those things.  becoming a second choice, and being halted with excuses and fear before anything has even been given a chance is, for lack of a better word, insulting.

destroying an opportunity before it has even been explored is what has caused this damage.  if i wasn’t a viable choice or option, why bother with the intimacy and endearment?  i want to believe that i’m much more valuable than this…but it isn’t getting any easier when this is the repetitive pattern that it seems i’ve become.

it’s ok to hurt me, and it’s ok to spite me.  i’ll be fine, i’m always ok.  the bigger problem i have right now, is, if this is my value, how fair is it that one would be allowed to retain me in their life when i’m the one standing to lose the most?

i often struggle with understanding if it’s my stupidity for walking into these situations repeatedly, or if i should spurn others for constantly pulling me into these situations.

congratulations, it hurt.

Just because I’m broken doesn’t mean I need to be fixed.