I thought it was over. I wrecked my car hitting a dog and should probably be dead right now. Night.

2:54am

Happy fucking flitz Friday.

And thank you all for the concerns last night. There’s a dog collar wrapped around part of my front bumper, it’s smashed to shit, and hitting my brakes caused me to spin, I kept it straight (turn INTO the slide) but the back end hit the concrete median. Back of my car is FUCKED. Seriously, the gods smiled on me and my friend. I’m fine, I feel like shit about the dog.

9:29am

On the flip side, I have full coverage on my car. It’s very possible based on value that it will be totaled and I can get a new one.

And there’s what I’m waiting for. Drove around town a bit, testing it out from last night, and car is leaking coolant. Probably radiator damage, so can’t drive it. Add it to the bill, probably closer to being totaled out now.

and an avulsion fracture, right middle finger.

gawd, it’s really so sweet that you still care so much baby!!!

making failblog kinda makes me feel giddy in my stomach, like i made the big leagues. sad i only have 45 votes though. i thought i was more famous than this?

Art…

…that which evokes emotion.

I miss you, I love you.

Emotion.

Art imitates life, or life imitates art?

If emotion is evoked by art, am I life, or am I imitation?

Life…art…is there even a line anymore?

Words can move me…when I feel sincerity.

I thought I’d lost the ability to even recognize these things.

I feel I’m becoming lost in apathy and cynicism.

I have been trying so desperately to stop caring for nearly ten months now. I want to be indifferent.

Isn’t being indifferent and selfish the reasons I’ve been driven to this? And also the same reasons I’ve brought this upon myself?

Art…

…perhaps it means drawing one simple line.

When I think of my adult life, I realize there has been only one time I’ve felt truly content.

And now I will take all those spoken words for face value and believe that never since have I felt it.

With a stream of fickle, unappreciative, insecure sociopaths, I simply dwelled in the delusion that I was somehow fine…and better…and I wasn’t. I haven’t been.

You are all sadly condemned to repeat every miserable mistake you’ve always made…and will always hurt everyone close to you on your path of self-fulfillment. You’ll never find those things you perceive to be best, because those best things are always the ones you’ve shunned because of your own self delusion.

Always better the devil you know than the devil you don’t.

I’d rather live unsettled than to continue living the lie others tell me is completion.

My life should be different. Things were not supposed to be this way from a year prior. I suppose even the best dreams are not meant to come true.

my brain is losing control. i can’t sleep properly. i can’t stay awake properly. my mind is mush lately.

yeah, it used to be a common excuse of mine…”i’m tired, i don’t feel like it…” and now i’m really starting to understand i have REAL sleep issues, if not a sleep disorder.

my fault i’m sure. another reason to make me an asshole.

i just have…so many things to say, and no way to say them. at least, i can’t organize them, not yet. for some reason, when i’m sober, the words just don’t flow. not to mention i censor myself…

but soon.

i’m sick of the anger and hatred. it’s disturbing and uncalled for. it’s time to drop the facade and to quit pretending.

Tamezepam Woll hpegully keep me down tonigh. My head begs to clear without felling that pain still shared.

Even the smallest string not broken can cause immense dissention and pain. Indifference is the key, and that indifference is why I wait.

I’ve realized something.

I don’t like being wrong, especially admitting I’m wrong.

My problem? Ive been refusing to admit I was wrong about someone.

I was wrong, and I was wrong about someone. Now I’ve said it and confessed to it.

You bite your bottom lip ever so gently when we speak. Your eyes light up when you see me, and I can tell you are really smiling. My heart still tingles when our hands finally meet after you so shyly reach for me. You giggle when I whisper in your ear, and shiver as I softly breathe on your neck. You gasp when I pull you close to hug you…and sigh after I kiss you. You look deeply in my eyes when I brush the stray hair from your face. You laugh with me…laughing just being happy to be with me. When you tell me you love me, you say it with confidence and passion…and really mean it.

Are you proud of your last words spoken to someone? Are you regretful? Speak as if it is the last time you’ll ever converse, because you may never have a chance to apologize if you’ve used words in anger or haste. I have last words that I’m not proud of, I say things I often shouldn’t. I want to work on this. I want to be happy to see someone, and pleasant when we part ways. I don’t want bitterness any longer.