Not only do I fight passing out at work, I then end up unable to sleep at night. It’s lovely. At least I’m not hallucinating yet. Or at least I’m not starting fight clubs…

I remember the first time I looked in your eyes. I’m always a sucker for that color…always so calming and peaceful, never piercing or intense. S I feel like I’m losing my balance, not like before, but really losing my foothold. I’ve never been one to be able to keep myself grounded, I’ve always needed help. Perhaps that’s my big weakness and downfall, the notion that I NEED anyone at all. As so beautifully put, I only needed someone to be there for me, the same way I am for them. I’m afraid of becoming empty again, and losing compassion for the world I keep wanting to save. You save me, you protect me, you keep me safe, and you fill my heart the way I need. I’ve missed this…

I can’t blame myself for everyone falling, and I can’t keep everyone from crashing to rock bottom and failing. Lessons are meant to be learned, but if I could take away the pain I would.

This is what dreams are made of.

To never love would be a mistake. Loving unconditionally certainly appears to be incredibly painful and dangerous. It’s the danger I never run from, I’ll risk it all for each beautiful day with you.

“You’re incredible,” she whispers. “It’s like I’ve always known you, the way you found the exact things I like without me ever telling you. All those secret places that I love to be kissed, the hidden areas I enjoy being touched lightly…somehow you just knew. I’ve never felt so comfortable in someone’s arms as I do right now, and it terrifies me. YOU terrify me. My heart flutters when I see you, I smile when I see your name on my phone, and my soul aches when I’m not with you. Kiss me again and tell me you’ll never leave me, Daniel. Hug me and tell me we are amazing and that we are going to live forever. Hold me make the world disappear around us. Kiss me again.”

Now crying, she whimpers “Please don’t wake up, Daniel, please. Don’t open your eyes because I can’t stand to lose you again. Your soul is so broken and so destroyed, and yet you were always there for me…for all of us…without hesitation. I took you for granted, I think we all did. I smiled a guilty smile when I watched you fall so far from grace; I coyly laughed while you suffered. I can never take it back, and apologizing is never enough. But that’s not what you want…you don’t want anything from me…because nothing will ever replace how I made you feel. Nothing will hide what any of us made you feel. Yet through all your pain, you’ll still accept me. Why? Do I deserve it? You terrify me because you are an expectation I’m never going to reach…kiss me again and please don’t wake up.”

“I love you,” she cries. “I’m going to remember you forever. Even now, even so far away, you’re never far from my mind. I only wish I could understand you. I only wish that I could understand the darkness you hide. I want to see past the storms behind your eyes. This is the only place now that you feel safe, and the only place you ever smile anymore. I know it kills you to come here, and often kills you more to have to leave…this is the last place our souls can still dance together the way they were meant to be. Please don’t open your eyes, Daniel, please not yet. Please don’t stop dreaming. You never remember me when you wake up, and I don’t want to lose you tonight. I’m not ready to stop dancing, pull me closer. Kiss me again, one last time bef…”

A kiss on the forehead every morning, a kiss on the lips every night. A friend to share life’s trials, a friend to oppose me when she disagrees. One flame to burn with mine, always. My tears will only be for the minutes I’m away from you, each minute until you are back in my arms.

My hands are so damaged and scarred from grasping unreachable stars…the mere seconds I’ve held them always leave permanent reminders. And all of those burns seem to heal at the soft grace of your hand against mine. Make them disappear, and leave your mark instead.

I wish I could have saved you from the mess you’re in now…

Perhaps this lifetime was not the one for us. Alas, there is still time I suppose. A proud lion has no need to move as quickly as a cheetah.

How far must we fall?  How long must we continue falling?  It’s so disappointing to watch those with such a loss of identity to so pitifully drift from crowd to crowd trying to determine just who they are.  Is this why I’m the one to blame?  Is this why I’m the biggest enemy?  Sadly I’ve recently seen this story over and over, told by so many people, and I can’t believe I never noticed it.

One can get lost inside a friendship or relationship, and then after a certain time, they grow this resentment for the other person because THEY don’t know who they are.  And after that certain amount of time, that resentment then causes them to start hearing key words from old friends, and those words become more and more influential.  Those influential words then become dangerous, and have even caused that person to pull violently away from friendships thinking that they need to be a part of “that” group because “that” is their identity.

Those groups of friends can somehow convince a person that “they” are the crowd that person needs to belong in, and that “their” life is so much better than what that person has right now, and in a way it just makes me feel sad for them.  I’m never one to say “my” group is best, or another is best, and of course I fully support someone exploring their soul…but when those groups play on those people with such low self-esteem and insecurity…that’s when I can’t agree that they are doing anything positive.  None of you need a friend or group of friends to find your identity.  Be yourself and be who you are.  If they don’t like it, that’s their loss.  Be true to yourself and don’t let your friends convince you what is best in your life.

I wish I could inspire confidence.  I do believe on some level that I have, at least for some, but I must be able to take it away as well.  With the power to give, there’s always the power to remove.  I know with my personality I can be seen as abrasive, and can seem to be demanding and hold expectations that are frustrating to try to achieve, but I sincerely only want the best for people.  I only want people to be standing on their own two feet, without my help.  I only want to be there at the end of the day to be supportive.

And as was spoken to me so many years ago, perhaps that’s all I really need from someone.  I only want and need someone to be there to support me at the end of the day.

I have so many things I want to say, but all power has been removed from my words. Never before have I felt so useless. I need meaning in my life again. I need to know why it was so easy to prove me worthless.

And here I am again, standing still in the crowd watching the world move without me…

I’ve never been fixed, I only convinced myself it was possible.

Insufferable human beings. You’re all fucking liars.

I feel all you’ve wanted is to hurt me. I’m broken, you’ve done it. I’ll be the monster I’d been. There’s no escaping that now. I can hate you finally.