I’m utterly conflicted. There are a thousand things I want to say right now, and also zero things worth saying. I’m truly shocked and floored. Alas, why should I be? Every mouth around me told me what would happen, yet I STILL fucking defended and denied. Is this truly what I’ve always been? A worthless pawn in a quest for self-assurance and self-identification? That fire now burning inside was NEVER there three years ago. Whence came the tiny spark? It is going to burn down all that is left. Even the tiniest breath over the shoulder can still fan a flame.

You’ve officially crossed the fucking line. Don’t knock on the door of a monster, because the monster may just knock back. You’ve been spared thus far, don’t tempt being devoured. I know every single word to drop you to your knees.

Surgery last Friday went through with no complications. I’ve been sleeping a lot, not a whole lot of pain. Each day is a little better or a little worse, only time will tell. I still have weeks of healing and improvement to look forward to. Thanks everyone for the support!

You really are just like them…plastic and hollow. So many things were so undeserved and so unappreciated.

The worst thing about being lied to is simply knowing you weren’t worth the truth. -Unknown

I wish you a beautifully happy birthday my love. You truly do not realize how special a person you are and how uniquely wonderful you are. To not only be honored to have simply conversed with a person of your wonderment, but to have the honor to call you my friend is a gift i should thank the stars for nightly. I love you dearest daniel, and hope to have many more years where i can express my love and sheer luckiness for having you and tell you how happy i am you were born on this day.

Cover my love with your oil stained tears, pile me in the corner where your dreams used to be, ignite me with the last spark of my heart, watch the wasted years burn within the single instant you closed your eyes, cover your soul with my ruined ashes to remind you that I was only a mistake.

seriously…everyone should check this out. it’s pretty interesting and deeply observational…

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t251986/

will you remember the times i looked at you,

will you remember how i touched your skin?

will you ignore the way i treated you,

will you ignore how things could’ve been?

will you forget so easily the things i did for you,

will you forget how broken your soul was?

will you cast aside my kissing you,

will you cast aside all thoughts of us?

do it. i want to be dead. i want to be gone. i want to be the aftertaste you can’t rid yourself of, the thought that you hide having, the memory you wish was synthetic…

so the year ended. and what is there to say about it? amidst the multiple positive things…and the negative things…i don’t even know how i feel about it now.

where to begin.

though it wasn’t part of 2010, my 2009 ended beautifully with an amazing xmas eve…leading into the new year. day 1 of january was a whirlwind of passion and an unforgettable night.

and then…the planning of my birthday (which has just become so burdensome, since it always seems to snow or storm now). theme was chosen, and then two weeks prior, i was breathlessly surprised by Kellie with a surprise party with nearly 40 of my friends. no one has done that for me in YEARS, and i was totally shocked and amazed that she put so much work, thought, and time into it.

then 2 weeks later…yes, it iced and snowed, so my planned party was slightly a bust. still a great time. based on the wrecked party, i had a third party in february for the remaining folks that had missed out, or just another reason to go drink.

what else. oh yes. around march i decided to finally take steps to lose weight that i’d tried doing for 6 years or more…and i accomplished that goal. i lost 40 pounds (175 to 135) over the course of a few months with diligent calorie counting. i’ve successfully maintained this, and kept the weight off as well. that’s probably the big success of the year.

oh, and then there was Nude:6, which was an amazing time. i tried to step up some of my makeup skills for a zombie skit with my friend and founder of the show (daniel gulick) with a lot of help and motivation from kellie. it turned out great, and she was an amazing sport to let me cover her in blood.

shortly after, there was the 80s prom, and thinking it would be an easy costume…i opted to go as a smurf. again, with the unending help from the wonderful kellie…6 hours later i was blue, and we were both pissed off and frustrated…and went and had a decent time. so much work for such a small time out though, i hated that i’d ruined the night.

what else…Frightmare in Dallas. it was fun, but the event was a bit disappointing. met some cool celebs and had fun, but i really should have taken my partner. had a sentimental moment with William Katt involving his old movie “Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend” which was awesome. plus i got to watch Derek Mears eat his birthday cake in the bar.

i swam in the ocean. well, not really swam, but i was submerged in the water. i went to galveston with kellie and her son, and it was a wonderful time. the kid behaved incredibly for the 9 hour drive too. i went on more vacations with that girl than i have in my entire life i think 🙂 it was a nice trip and a fun little holiday. too bad it was so short.

and then there was Midwest Vapefest. kellie and i drove to st. louis for a “vapers meet” with some of the electronic cigarette community, and i met some wonderful people and made new friends, and partied my ass off. st. louis is a cool city, seems like a lot to do around there. we also visited the Arch, but didn’t go up top. the wait was ridiculous.

and then…the year turned to disaster by september.

some serious fighting began with kellie, and we started pulling apart. the rift was growing and growing, and i was beginning to lose control of my emotions. i didn’t want to lose this girl.

at the time, we both knew we didn’t want it to end and wanted to repair things, so we tried slowly to work out problems.

i began my halloween planning, and spent A LOT buying top quality product to pull off my most amazing endeavor yet, and with the immaculate help of daniel gulick airbrushing me, we created a superb torso painted zombie out of my skinny body. it will be difficult to top that costume, but i’m certainly going to try again this year for halloween. i’d spared kellie from having to help with this costume, which i’m sure she was grateful. she also accompanied me to try to win a big costume contest…and i didn’t, sadly.

and then, the bomb explodes. by the end of the night, she tells me she wants things to end. no more working, no more fixing, that everything is over.

i die inside.

i’d done soul searching the past few months during the fighting, and knew i wanted this girl forever, and ultimately decided to show my intent and passion by purchasing a beautiful engagement ring (yes, i went to Jareds!). obvoiusly now, it was a rash move and i knew better, but i didn’t want to have regrets. my proposal to kellie was refused, and thus my heart and soul has been broken since.

nothing else has really taken place since then…i had a family filled thanksgiving and christmas, and i’m thankful for my friends and family. i’ve reconnected with a lot of old faces, and i’m also thankful for that. i’m nearing 2 years tobacco free too, coming up in february, thanks to vaping and electronic cigarettes.

so here we are. this was not how i planned to enter the new year, and this was the year my life was going to be changing and growing, and i’d planned to begin my family. seems 2011 won’t be the time for this now, so…yeah, can’t say i’m as overly excited about the new year as everyone else seems to be.

so…here’s to my friends, family, lovers, haters, fans and foes. may 2011 be the year we all shine again.