I want your last words to be “just fucking leave me alone.”

I want that to be all you remember, and all that I was worth to you.

 

It fucking kills me that I care about you. I break every night with you in my dreams. Why can you not just go away and let me die alone and without you haunting me?

All you tell me is how we were never meant to be, and all you can be is my never.

 

I guess I just chose not to realize exactly how badly you hate me and how you truly never want me in your life.

I wish I could have saved myself the pain and seen it sooner. I wish I would have started erasing you as quickly as you did me.

You’re selfish and you’re a quitter. History predicts the future, and you’ve walked away from everyone you’ve gotten close to.

I only wish now you would stay the fuck away from my friends and quit being so involved in their lives and by proxy involved in mine. All I want now is to escape you.

There’s no recourse to be friends. I don’t need a “friend” treating me as horribly as you have. We’re nothing but a failed experiment, one you couldn’t handle. And certainly one you don’t deserve now.

Don’t expect my sympathy for the consequences of your poor and influenced decisions.

My hand will be there to stand you up when you fall, because I know the others never would. But that’s merely a courtesy of me feeling sorry for you as a pitiful little human.

 

I was never that bad to you :/

We were really good together, shortcake…

 

I just wish everything had one more chance. I just wish the voices had said “don’t give up on your heart.”

But alas, the voices said “you’re better than him.”

 

My nightly prayer

Dear Lord, please let me forget, please let me stop caring, please let me stop thinking of her. I don’t need this lesson anymore, I know the wrongs I committed and I can no longer deal with this misery.

Amen.

 

Nothing will kill this?

I’m so sick of crying and fighting tears. It’s such a worthless emotion and helps absolutely nothing. I don’t see the point of suffering it constantly. I die every day, and no one ever notices. I’ve come to hide it so well, even I’ve started believing it. And every night I wish my dreams were longer and longer until my real life would be consumed.

Everything is so much brighter in the darkness.

This never happened before. Not this long. And dreams have never been so consistent. Apparently this lesson is going to be smashed into me until I learn to shut down again.

Or perhaps it’s the stars. It’s my time still, and every single emotion screams in my ear to never forget, never forget, never forget.

Never forget what you’ve done to them, Daniel. Never forget how you’ve hurt them. Never forget how you broke them. Never forget how you killed the dreams they only wished to share with you.

Never forget you’re the monster, Daniel, not them. And you will never change, just like they all told you, just like they said you never could.

 

And still more dreams, You standing near, In my arms, Whispers in my ear…

 

And every prayer I ask to forget, only seems to make the memories stronger.

 

I would cut out my tongue to forget ever knowing your name.

 

My apocalypse…I should have been aware of the destruction. Your radiance is blinding, and certainly indicative of the chain reaction that was triggering. I’d shielded my eyes for so long, watching everything burn around me, never believing that I was next…and then in that one smashing split second, your gaze turned to me. In your eyes I saw fire, in your heart I felt annihilation…I felt the end of the world in my dream, and you were in my arms as the bombs went off, but perhaps I never questioned that you were the catalyst.

 

She Wants Revenge — Killing Time

“Killing Time”

He’s losing the girl now
His feelings overwhelm her soul
But nobody told her
That’s not always such a bad thing
It started in whispers
Came in when she had a man
Swept her away fast
And said “There’s been a change of plans”
At first she was spellbound
Hanging on his every word
Every touch perfect
She could kiss him all night
But he’s no longer the bad guy
Now he’s just her boyfriend
She doesn’t know how to tell him
“My dear there’s been a change of plans”

She turns her phone off
Hide behind little lies
And shuts the blinds
Turns the lights low, laying low
She tells herself that he won’t mind, he’ll never mind
And says goodbye
But he can’t hear
It’s killing time

She turns her phone off
Hide behind little lies
And shuts the blinds
Turns the lights low, laying low
She tells herself that he won’t mind, he’ll never mind
And says goodbye
But he can’t hear
It’s killing time

She’s losing the boy now
Her feelings they push him away
Even though he had mentioned
This time he’d like to take it slow
She tried to get inside
He was having none of that
Then she started to pull back
She knew she had to change her plan
Soon it worked and he gave chase
All the way he wanted her
But after they made love
He got a little gun shy
Now he’s frightened to call her
She tries to play the waiting game
But then she just couldn’t take it
She knew she had to change her plans

He turns her phone off
Hide behind little lies
And shuts the blinds
Turns the lights low, laying low
He tells himself that she won’t mind, she’ll never mind
And says goodbye
But she can’t hear
It’s killing time

He turns her phone off
Hide behind little lies
And shuts the blinds
Turns the lights low, laying low
He tells himself that she won’t mind, she’ll never mind
And says goodbye
But she can’t hear
It’s killing time

I’ll stand witness to this prosecution
Crossing your fingers couldn’t save me a damn sigh
Mixed emotions, giggles as the tears dry
I need attention and she needs a solution

I’ll stand witness to this prosecution
Crossing your fingers couldn’t save me a damn sigh
Mixed emotions, giggles as the tears dry
I need attention and she needs a solution

 

And now again…not a fucking word for thanksgiving.

Not a fucking word for Christmas.

Not a fucking word for New Years.

And won’t be a fucking word on my birthday tomorrow.

Why do I even think about someone so fucking selfish?

 

I don’t have the willpower to fight anymore. Telling me “we aren’t right for each other” is the same as telling me that the last two years were nothing but a mistake. Fuck that. If that’s the case I’m really glad I wasted my fucking time even trying.

 

I want to wake up with no memory of knowing her or her son. I want to wake up never knowing she is real and never knowing she existed…

 

Just one fucking word from you is all I want. I’m dying so slowly, I wish I knew why the fuck you still have grasp of my soul. Every part of me wants to hate and despise you. You are becoming the epitome of all that is dark to me, of all that tortures me, and yet I still want to die inside your smile.

Kill me now and stop my misery, kellie.

Tell my why your rage is so strong, tell me what I did to turn you so ferociously. Your soul hurts too, and you hide it so well from the world. Part of you died with me, and can we never resurrect all that we cherished?

How did you so easily blow out your flame when mine won’t stop shining for you?

I wish you’d burned the rest of me that night you quenched your hate with fire and destruction. I wish you’d burned my soul along with my words and ny visage.

You’re becoming a monster, and no one is going to stop you before your world crumbles around you…trust me I’ve done it all before…and being broken and alone is the hardest thing you will face when you realize the only person left in your wake is the one who always stood waiting to catch you.

Resent me forever because I will always be there when the others abandon you when you fall from your imagined grace.

 

 

 

I never expected anyone to top my emotional attachment to Crystal. Never. And perhaps that is what held me back, but it happened. In that one day in her email, I felt my release and my closure by her admitting her immaturity. She admitted it was her fault.

I kept believing for so long that I would never be good enough for someone else, that I’d break them as I’d done her.

In my ignorance, it seems ironically that I did the same thing. My own self fulfilling prophecy.

Kellie loved me for me, and I was afraid to break and hurt her, and with my fear, I lost her. I wanted her to start my family. I wanted her to be my wife, And mother of my children.

I was ready to sacrifice it all, even the hated friends that caused tension…I would have walked away from them if it meant keeping my life with you, Shortcake.

It’s too bad you never knew what I was willing to give up for you.

 

“…And I want you to know if I had the choice of hanging out with
anyone in the entire world or sitting at home with you eating pizza
watching a crappy TV show, I’d choose you every time.” November 20, 2010 at 2:37pm

 

I am thankful for one person who really came through for me in a big time of need earlier, amidst anger and hatred. We put aside the vitriol for ten minutes of peace that I truly needed. Thank you.

 

November 25, 2010 at 1:59am

 

Life isn’t measured by the breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away.

 

November 30, 2010 at 1:43pm

 

“…and in that lost moment, we smiled.”

 

December 3, 2010 at 4:41pm

 

“Falling in love with someone isn’t always going to be easy. It is often filled with anger and tears. It is when you want to be together despite it all. That is when you are truly in love.”

 

December 4, 2010 at 12:14pm

 

Sometimes i wish that i had never met you, so i could go to sleep at night not knowing there was someone like you out there.

– Good Will Hunting

 

And still I can’t sleep. I didn’t sleep last night, and tonight my mind stopped for an hour, and now I’m awake again, vainly trying to slumber. My thoughts merely race, and my skin tingles with irritation and exhaustion. I’m lost and fear my soul is restless…looking for serenity amidst the confusion. A hand on my heart, a kiss on my cheek, and a whispered “it’s ok darling, you are safe” is what I need.

 

December 14, 2010 at 12:51am

 

she’s not a monster.

she’s not a whore.

she’s not heartless.
…
she’s…only human, and only as fallible as i am.

and i just don’t like admitting that i’m fallible.

And again no sleep. I should be closing my eyes to so many things, but just can’t bring myself to do so.

 

December 20, 2010 at 4:32am via iPhone

 

I certainly don’t forget the events of last Christmas eve…maybe you do?

 

The fucking truth of my misguided actions has just slapped me in the face. I made utterly simple into maddeningly complex. Apply enough pressure…beauty will shatter.

 

And now back to not sleeping. Incessant thoughts still rampaging through my fibers. I hate this.

 

“…Ocean pulls me close, And whispers in my ear…The destiny I’ve chose, All becoming clear…The currents have their say, The time is drawing near…Washes me away, Makes me disappear…”

 

All the fighting…all the arguing…even still I was happy. Was it never considered that it was simply done because I cared? I was always happy. And I was happier. And now I’m still left feeling like it was one sided and only me. It seems I’d only fooled myself in believing things were mutually being shared…

 

All the fighting…all the arguing…even still I was happy. Was it never considered that it was simply done because I cared? I was always happy. And I was happier. And now I’m still left feeling like it was one sided and only me. It seems I’d only fooled myself in believing things were mutually being shared…

 

A child’s drawing on a refrigerator, a Bobby pin in the carpet, a loose hair in a blanket, a scent on a pillow…and me. I’m nothing. I’m ashes.

“love is a fire, burns down everything you see”

 

I want to repeat my mistakes. I want to live inside damage. I want to live inside broken moments. I want my best friend back…against all odds and against all logical advice that I should burn every memory that dances in my mind.

“I can still feel you…even so far away.”

And I know you feel it too. No replacement will ever replace… me.

 

I want to repeat my mistakes. I want to live inside damage. I want to live inside broken moments. I want my best friend back…against all odds and against all logical advice that I should burn every memory that dances in my mind.

“I can still feel you…even so far away.”

And I know you feel it too. No replacement will ever replace… me.

 

I want to be able to sleep again without the guilt my thoughts keep bringing.

 

“…and how you knew from our first kiss how I would break your heart…”

 

I miss my best friend 🙁

 

She loves me, she loves me not…

 

Find me.

 

And I gave in. I can’t do it. I can’t be without her and now I’ve relinquished all power. I can’t go without seeing her face and hearing her voice, it is slowly destroying me 🙁

 

“I may not get to see you as often as I like. I may not get to hold you in my arms all through the night. But deep in my heart I truly know, you’re the one that I love, and I can’t let you go.” ~Unknown

 

And it keeps coming.

So my knee is fucked, now my ankle and foot are going numb and it hurts to walk, and now…I likely have a water leak either in or under my house. This is awesome. My body is failing, plus my home is breaking, and I have nowhere convenient or simple to go.

I don’t even want to think about my birthday right now and what will happen by then. Fuck I’d almost rather stay home alone at this point. Oh sure, pretend my life is great and positive…that’s what the world wants…

This is why fucking need shining balance to my grumbling chaos around me. I can’t handle these things.

 

3 weeks…is now officially the longest in over 2 years. This is incredibly disheartening. Why do I still bother caring?

 

NIN — Zero-Sum

They’re starting to open up the sky
They’re starting to reach down through
And it feels like we’re living in that split second
Of a car crash
And time is slowing down
And if we only had a little more time
And this time
Is all there is
Do you remember the time we
And all the times we
And should have
And were going to
I know
And i know you remember
How we could justify it all
And we knew better
In our hearts we knew better
And we told ourselves it didn’t matter
And we chose to continue
And none of that matters anymore
In the hour of our twilight
And soon it will be all said and done
And we will all be back together as one
If we will continue at all

Shame on us
Doomed from the start
May god have mercy
On our dirty little hearts
Shame on us
For all we have done
And all we ever were
Just zeros and ones

And you never get away
And you never get to take the easy way
And all of this is a consequence
Brought on by our own hand
If you believe in that sort of thng
And did you ever really find
When you closed your eyes
Any place that was still
And at peace
And I guess I just wanted to tell you
As the lights start to fade
That you are the reason
That I am not afraid
And I guess I just wanted to mention
As the heavens will fall
We will be together soon
If we will be anything at all.

Shame on us
Doomed from the start
May god have mercy
On our dirty little hearts
Shame on us
For all we have done
And all we ever were
Just zeros and ones

 

She Wants Revenge — True Romance

Open your eyes and see me, Tell me that it’s not too late. Whisper to me a sad song, Weighing us down in shame. I always said I believed you, You told me that was so cliche. And with every kiss I resented you Because your feelings never got in the way

[Chorus 1] I know that you never loved me; I know that you never cared at all, Maybe just one more dance Cause that’s as close as you’re gettin’ to a true romance

Open your heart and feel me, Tell me you don’t feel the same. I dig down deep for forgiveness, And still you’re busy placing the blame. This isn’t about right or wrong now, It’s not about wasted time. I should have paid closer attention, But I didn’t bother reading the signs.

[Chorus 2] I know that you never loved me; I know that you never cared at all, No my love we can’t be friends, In fact I liked you much better When you’d just pretend.

[Chorus 1]

Open your arms and hold me, Tell me it’ll be alright. Tell me the thing you’ve never told a soul That keeps you up at night. When could you tell it was over? When did you turn on me? I’d cry if I thought it would change your mind Cry for the girl I hoped you to be.

[Chorus 2] [Chorus 1]

 

“so I’ll drive so fuckin far away that I’ll never cross your mind, and do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind”

I can never be truly hated unless I was truly loved.

I wish I knew how she was able to erase me so quickly and easily.

And I wish I knew how one person in this world can have such burning revulsion toward me when all the world claims everyone loves and adores me…and that no one in their right mind could harbor such thoughts. I’d love to believe that’s true for once…

But someone must be wrong. Perhaps she was right, perhaps I really do have everyone fooled so completely in thinking I’m an angel instead of the demon she sees in me.

After so many years of saying how I must just be better off alone…and everyone claiming we always find someone…the delusion is dying in my heart. None of the times I’ve found partners I’d spend my life with have worked.

They’ve simply closed their eyes and turned their fucking backs on me when things got too difficult.

Or maybe i just learned not to give up on hope and potential until it is realized…but being the last one standing…I always lose the battle.

I truly have lost this one.

“maybe didn’t mean that much, but it meant everything to me…”

i don’t want to stop believing that love means something in this world…

 

“so I’ll drive so fuckin far away that I’ll never cross your mind, and do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind”

I can never be truly hated unless I was truly loved.

I wish I knew how she was able to erase me so quickly and easily.

And I wish I knew how one person in this world can have such burning revulsion toward me when all the world claims everyone loves and adores me…and that no one in their right mind could harbor such thoughts. I’d love to believe that’s true for once…

But someone must be wrong. Perhaps she was right, perhaps I really do have everyone fooled so completely in thinking I’m an angel instead of the demon she sees in me.

After so many years of saying how I must just be better off alone…and everyone claiming we always find someone…the delusion is dying in my heart. None of the times I’ve found partners I’d spend my life with have worked.

They’ve simply closed their eyes and turned their fucking backs on me when things got too difficult.

Or maybe i just learned not to give up on hope and potential until it is realized…but being the last one standing…I always lose the battle.

I truly have lost this one.

“maybe didn’t mean that much, but it meant everything to me…”

i don’t want to stop believing that love means something in this world…

 

I want to lay in bed and simply talk in the moonlight until the sun comes up. I want to sit down at the end of the day with my lover and best friend. I want to plan vacations and share new experiences. I want to help raise a child and teach new things. I want to remember what it’s like to be vulnerable to another human being. I want to share secrets with the girl I love. I want to stand outside a dressing room to tell a girl an outfit looks great. I want to be called when my partner needs help with the simplest of things. I want to spend cold nights wrapped in a blanket watching scary movies. I want to sit with my lover talking, and get drunk and laugh at each other. I want to feed my girl strawberries and cream by romantic candlelight. I want to be there for someone when she has a bad day. I want a hand to hold while I’m driving. I want someone to remind me “it’s just a dream, you’re safe with me.” I want someone to talk about, to tell my friends how great she is. I want someone to take care of me when I’m damaged. I want to fail at something, together, with my partner, and grow from the experience. I want to laugh in a kitchen and help cook dinner. I want someone to be proud of me, to tell everyone “that’s MY boyfriend.” I want a girl to sleep in my tshirts. I want to wipe tears from my sad lover’s face. I want to kiss in the rain.

I want to hug someone and feel the world stop moving around us, like we are the last two on earth.

I want a family, and my life to move forward and to stop living within simple, selfish moments.

I want to be made better again with the girl that gives me balance to my craziness…

 

Guilt. Rejection. Desperation. Abandonment. Disillusionment. Pain. Absolution.

I will burn alone. I do not need your sympathy. I want you to suffer silently to know what you’ve lost.

My ascension will not involve you. I yearn for your damage to be in silence so no one will understand…and no one ever will. These decisions shall become your own, and you shall be the one that must remember them for eternity.

 

When I started the 4 day shift, and having Fridays off, I had such high hopes of lunches with a loved one, picking up a child from school early, long Thursday nights just talking about life with my best friend…

And now they mean virtually nothing but sitting alone and having every regretful thought lingering with the stench of my hesitant mistakes.

Man I love having emotions. And so many wonder why it was easier to keep everyone at arm’s length…it was simply fear that I was going to suffer this again when she looked inside to see the monster and only start to hate me.

 

And if I could, I’d do it all again.

 

And you wonder why I hated sleeping…first it was the monsters, and now it’s you. It’s tiring to see oh every night. I feel like I’m living a lie. Every day I wake up feeling you in my heart and soul again because you’ve infected my dreams.

And you? I’d love to hear even the last time one sentimental thought even crossed your mind. Remind me that I even matter, or if you’d even notice if I were gone. I keep wondering how difficult and how much struggle it is to fight from contacting me. I’m guessing absolutely no trouble at all due to me being erased and razed.

This was meant to be our year. We should be planning big things right now.

 

Do you have any idea how maddening it is to dream of you every fucking might, Shortcake? Without fucking fail, since at least September…every SINGLE night.

Maybe your last, insulting words were right, that I “need help”.

I need help figuring out why you fucking matter to me so much, after all of this.

“…even after everything, you’re the Queen and I’m the King, nothing else means anything…”

Fuck.

 

My hope and trust in real love is dead and decayed. After each beautiful person I find, I only seem to corrupt and damage them to the point of wanting my soul so very far from them.

In the end they all run, they all close their eyes wanting to hate me.

But can you?

 

Private pain of self destruction

Each day I go further and further…

Each day I begin wondering if it may be the last I see. I don’t want to die…I don’t want to hurt…I just want to wake up so empty that I never feel this way again. The first real pain with crystal was so much to bare, the layers of my heart flayed open…and now this…my heart has been exposed. Every pain is intensifies to levels I never knew.

My pain is exquisite, every day reminding me I’m alive. I wanted to love in a dream world, believing that trivial bickering was a way of dealing, and a way of keeping pain at bay…and it worked for a while. And then it started happening. Then I started falling further.

Even in a text before august I was trying to admit it. I told you I felt I wanted to get closer to you. That I wanted to get closer to everything…and you sent me a smile acknowledging that I was thinking…

The spreadsheet defining our finances, that was my way of admitting I was trying to move forward but it wasn’t clear enough to you. Or perhaps even then you had already decided you were through.

i can’t help but feel both of us wanted the same things so badly…and that neither of us really knew just how to express it.  at least not until i cracked your heart.

 

Still so far…

Further and further every day…but at least you’re slowly disappearing. This has certainly been the most difficult breakup of my life. I wish I knew what the fuck it was about you that intrigues me so…

Your smile? Your passion? The way you contradict and complement me? I always loved your opposition…always loved how we were so different.

Every time I see your pictures smiling it just breaks me down all over again.

I want so badly to hate you for your insecurity and fickle behavior. Being told so constantly I’m a jerk, you’ve no reason but to start believing it. But no matter how many times everyone keeps telling me you’re not worth my time and that anyone is better than you…I don’t give it a second thought and still believe in you and the way you looked in my heart.

I wish this would all go away and that I could forget you as easily as you’ve forgotten me.

My heart dies more each day, and soon I will have nothing left to believe in.

 

and your words from august 22…did they matter?

I’m not good with words. I say things that I don’t mean when I get angry. I don’t know how to stop. I’m sorry for last night. I’m sorry for getting upset with you. I know that it was wrong of me and I should have been more understanding. Unfortunately I can’t take back everything I said. But honestly I guess there was truth to a few things I said. Like wondering why you are still with and why you’re not committed to me. I don’t understand and it’s frustrating that you wont give any type of answer. Even when things are good between us, I don’t feel like we are moving forward. It seems like you’re holding yourself back and that frustrated me. I know that our relationship could be great if we both gave it everything we have but I know that we don’t. Why is that? Why are we unable to be happy. I know that I’m needy and selfish at times. I also know that I get upset too easily. But have you ever considered that maybe it’s me showing you that I care. I’m not saying that’s why I do it but I am saying that if I didn’t care then I wouldn’t get upset at all. I don’t know how to fix the problems between us. I only know that I need you to be understanding. I had very high hopes for this weekend. I honestly hoped that our night would be like the ones at frightmare last year. Hours in a bubble bath and even longer in bed. That is part of the reason you staying out so late upset me. I also wanted us to get to see the arc together but then it seems seeing everyone else became more important. It seems like we have talk after talk about how things have to change between us but nothing ever does. Why? I feel like I’m trying but it’s hard to keep my emotions under control at all times. I know I’ve been moody lately and I’m sorry for that. I’ve had a lot going on the last month and I don’t handle stress very well. There is something that I haven’t told you and my reason for that has to do with not being sure what it is that you want from me. I don’t know if you ever want to get married or have kids or anything. We’ve not ever talked about that. …….. I started to cry when I left ……… bc I realized that I do want to marry you and have a family with you. But is that something you want? I may be jumping the gun asking you that since you’ve never mentioned it on your own but I need to know what it is that you want from me. ……….. I’m sad but I also think did it happen for a reason? Maybe it is best but either way it breaks my heart. I’m sorry for not telling you but I thought I need to come to terms with the idea …….. before I told you. I don’t know how any of this makes you feel. I’m sorry for telling you while we are fighting as well. I’m just not very good with talking about things. My emotions control me. Again I’m sorry for last night. I’m admitting fault. I’m asking that you forgive me.

 

my self destruction, aka “i came to terms and get it all now”

Here’s the thing.  This isn’t an OMG I MISS YOU diatribe, I just want to clarify a few things I’ve now realized after pulling myself out of the dark.

Firstly, we’ve both said it, yeah we should have fought harder in the beginning after STL.  We didn’t though.  We are both and were both stubborn, neither of us wanted to lose power or control.

Jump ahead, you admit that it’s over, and that’s the point I fall apart.  Again, simple, I had utterly lost “control” of the situation.  Knowing things were mutual and amicable made it easier to deal with some time apart when we first talked about taking “a break”, but once those words were uttered, the power shifted into YOUR hands only.  My loss of control led to panic, which turns into desperation.

Yes.  I’m admitting it.  I lost control, I panicked, and I turned DESPERATE.  The very one thing I never EVER believe people should do…is be desperate.  On paper, I’m saying it.  It should have been adoration from the start, and I never should have fallen into the trap of desperation, but I sadly did. daniel = desperate when this happened.

So I got desperate.  That’s not an excuse, it’s more like a fact.  Now, being artistic, expressionistic…and NEVER bothering to read one single “how to win your ex back” article, I did what my heart told me, which in the realm of love and relationships is the stupidest worst thing to possibly do.  mistake, again, admitted.

Oh no, she’s leaving, let me buy her flowers, balloons, and gifts!  And you….too little too late.  I thought you were being snotty, but no, you TRULY SHOULD have reacted that way.  Every small gift I gave to you was a punch in the guts to you because I wasn’t doing it in the past, I only did it when it “mattered” so yeah, it made you bitter and angry.  You’re absolutely right to feel that way about it.  again, daniel = stupid.  Don’t think I didn’t mean them to be nice, but I shouldn’t have done it.  I just didn’t know at the time it was a slap in the face.  It was me saying “hey, I’m doing this now because I’m afraid you’re leaving me, and I never did it before so it should totally matter now that I’m doing it!!!!”  I thought I was showing you who I am and what I wanted to do for you, but you had no reason but to disbelieve it. yeah.  Stupid.

Oh boy, let’s not talk about the contact.  Yeah.  I called, I texted, I pleaded, I BEGGED. Huge turn off.  You know, its no wonder you didn’t want to see or hang out with me.  I’d forgotten I once had a girl call me 13x in an hour, and it was a unattractive.  Maybe I should have remembered that, every time I texted you or called.  But alas, no, I didn’t.  I contacted you hoping to stay close or keep me in your mind or say that magic word to make you open up again, but every time…every call…every text…was another needle poking into your heart by my own hand and very forcefully pushing you QUICKLY away from me.  Yeah.  I know.  along those lines you’d even said “hey you never call me…why start now?”  right???  I know, I hate talking on the phone.  That part was true though, I’d not talked to you on the phone for so long I really did start enjoying it.  that’s not desperation or flattery.  The calling and texting about my stupid, pathetic, emo feelings?  That was the desperate part.  Daniel = emo wanker, wah wah, I have feelings…wah, yueah.  Just like everyone else I have feelings.  Yeah, I know, so what right? J  we all laugh, we all cry.  Apparently I’d thought it was a unique experience for me to have them.  Glad you knew better J  haha.  Yeah, I was a mess, it was pretty sad honestly.  Every time I just KNEW I had the thing to say, so I’d try, you’d brush it off, I’d cry, I’d try again, you’d sigh and yell at me, I’d cry, repeat repeat.  Sorry.  I’m so surprised that being an annoying pest didn’t win your heart back, you know?

If you think I’m going to admit that I was (and am) jealous there’s no way.  I’m not sure where you’re getting that from.  You seriously had to imagine that, I don’t even know what that word means.  You do though.  ok, fine, I’ll admit it.  you’ve admitted and observed this…I NEVER acted jealous until now/then.  It’s true.  And I thought it was uncalled for when you felt that way, like it wasn’t valid or important…but it’s because I didn’t understand.  Now I do.  I can apologize, but this isn’t about the past.  I’m just validating it, that I do understand how you feel, and it’s a serious kick in the junk.  Like my birthday that year, the bar skank that hugged on me…wow.  I’m glad you dropped me off at home alone that night, no way did I deserve you to stay…I know NOW that I’d have been SOOOOOO upset if it was reversed.  Again…you were right as usual, daniel = moron  ugh.

Are we keeping score here?  Because I’m really sure I’ve got negative points right now!!

You told me exactly what to do.  and you’re right.  I didn’t do it, and I didn’t understand how it could be so simple.  “chill out”.  That’s all you said, and that’s all you needed.  Me of course, being panicked (as in, desperate), I felt I had to TAKE CHARGE and TAKE ACTION!!!!!!  Awesome right?  the more I tried, the further you ran.  And that’s good.  nothing would have worked with me acting that way.  All I heard in my head was “action speak louder than words” so I kept TRYING to show you things to make you believe me, when I was doing the opposite.  You wanted to see change in me naturally and progressively, and I was relentlessly trying to shove it in your face. You just wanted me to calm down. I was being a fool.

Fool.

I was immature, childish, and snotty with a lot that I did.  I lashed out because I got my feelings hurt, and acted out because I had no power or control in the situation.  We are both the youngest siblings…we both like getting our way.  Don’t try to deny that J  alas, you worked things out that you needed, and what was best for you and even likely what was best for the relationship, but I just refused to understand.  Some of this stuff is so freaking foreign and weird and strange to me, you know?  maybe I’m just wired differently, that I like to confront conflict and confront everything to find out why, to find solutions, to find answers…when people just don’t want that. You knew exactly what to do, and it was to simply step back and take a fresh look at things and take a new approach and new perspective. I wanted to deny that things were so broken and I wanted to scream it in your face that we were going to FIX it instead of just letting us repair it going forward. “daniel = arrogant jerk who thinks he knows the best way to fix everything”

The paranoia and desperation caused me to be rash, I know…i looked for things to be out of place everywhere. I wanted to look for a REASON why it was happening. I wanted to BLAME someone or something for things. I needed a scapegoat instead of pointing at the man in the mirror. No this wasn’t all my fault, we both had a hand in causing strife and dissent, you, however, told me exactly what to do and to stop worrying. Every single time I was confused or paranoid just pushed your buttons again and made you want to get away from me. Totally makes sense now. When I thought you were trying to be secretive, you were just sick of my whiny, insecure antics. Yes. Daniel = immature, reacted like a bully trying to get my way.

Again, as a selfish jerk I looked for reasons to send crappy texts, just for any stupid reason to make contact with you. It was a terrible thing to do, I know. You just wanted to be left alone, and I didn’t respect it. For whatever reason I just thought that somehow I could make you feel bad for something that wasn’t there, and start a confict with you because it was all I had left…the only way to stay in contact. Ridiculous move on my part, and again, absolutely stupid of you to want to talk to me when I did that.

So here’s the weird part that I don’t understand though. When all I did was make you miserable, when all I did was cry and pout and be a total emotional wreck, I totally dont get why you didn’t want to hang out with me or talk? I mean seriously, why wasn’t that fun for you?? I was sad, sappy, and mopey…you should have loved to be around me because I was so much fun! Really confused on that one. Oh wait, yeah its because I was a crying whiny jackass. Who on earth would have wanted to be around that? I know. I thought you were just being insensitive and mean to me and didn’t care, but jeez, you just wanted to get past things and have fun, and had no desire to be around me while acting like that…and really, there’s no reason you should have wanted to. It’s depressing, and you just wanted to have fun and stop thinking about it. I just wanted to dwell and believe that I was going to REALLY FIX this and make it right again, and that every time I told you what was on my heart you’d totally just see the change and want to be with me!!! so uncanny that it didn’t work I know. Daniel = sappy stupid baby

and the ring? Yeah, won’t even go there. It was lunacy, it was a poorly planned idea thinking I could SHOW you my actions were true. It was a poor attempt to make things real and put things on the line about how I felt. I never expected a yes, but at the time it’s what my heart told me to do…not logic.

I know there’s plenty more I could say, but I know I wanted to be brief without being boring. You don’t care about all I “should have” done or “wanted” to do differently, because you already know that. At this point that doesn’t matter, because that’s in the past. You didn’t want to revisit every problem we had and try to find a solution to it, but I just didn’t understand. This is where your age defies your wisdom…and you tried guiding me every step but I chose to be blinded by my emotions. You have a beauty about dealing with your feelings that I don’t have, and I was the one that was always logical. You reversed roles on me and I was lost and confused and had no idea how to handle it. I get it. You knew my heart, I didn’t need to prove my love…just my worth.

I should apologize for the mean things i’ve said, but I know you aren’t looking for me to say i’m sorry. The truth is, again, i’ve just acted out of bitterness. It’s easier to convince myself that you don’t care and don’t think about me than to believe that you still do. I wanted to be jealous that you continued your life without me, and I wanted to feel rejected that you’d replaced all your time with me with other people and activities. I wanted to feel like i’d lost everything and that you had gained everything. Honestly, I know you cared, you always did. I know you loved me, that was never a doubt in my mind. The reality now is, that I know deep down you didn’t discard those feelings. You didn’t stop caring and you didn’t stop loving me. The best thing to do in this situation was for you to walk away. You wanted to be happy and I was not able to be the person you wanted and I wasn’t able to understand the method you wanted to fix things, and that was my fault. I know in my ignorance and desperation I simply forced you away for what was best for you and ultimately what was best for me. I wasn’t being your partner, I especially wasn’t being your friend. I was being a nuisance and a burden and holding you down. You knew I had to deal with it, and if you stayed close, I never would have seen it or have been able to grow, and I never would have opened my eyes to see just what you wanted from me the way I do now. Thank you.

And now…my dearest kellie, my little Shortcake…i feel we have hit an impass. Or perhaps i’ve hit an impass, because I don’t want to be presumptious. As I said, I do know some part of me still exists in YOUR heart, as you know you exist in MINE. Your life is moving in new directions and going forward, and now mine must do the same because I put it on hold trying to reason with the madness I put myself through. I realize now all I had to do was stop believing my world ended and start seeing that my world just needed to start freshly again. I’ve pined over you and will forever be changed by knowing you and loving you.

Xoxoxo

—Daniel Self

 

as you ask me to walk away…

Maybe I am a monster.  I’ve hurt the person I care so much about with my ignorance and my selfishness, and my incredible fear of the unknown future.  I was so truly lost in my own head working out all the details, all the issues, all the questions…and while doing so I was only detaching further from you.  I should have been discussing all that I was feeling and thinking, and I didn’t.  And that’s my regret to deal with, that I should have simply told you how badly I wanted my future with you and your son.  I’ve honestly ruined the best part of my life, and the most amazing thing to ever happen to me.

I know we had our problems, as everyone does.  Most of them were blown so out of proportion when they were so trivial, but both of us are so stubborn we let them get the best of us at times.  We were partners in crime, companions in life, and best friends who were always there for each other at the end of the day.  The only thing I ever wanted was for someone to simply be there for me, and you were, every day, without hesitation.  I should have been a better person.  I should have been aware.  Pride and arrogance and insecurity so often kept us from relaxing our guard and seeing that we were arguing or bickering over NOTHING.  None of our fights were ever deal breakers.  I fucked up.

Our love is and was sincere, a true love that isn’t often found.  I yearned for you daily, my heart is empty without you.  Waking up each day and seeing your texts, or writing you, or even luckier…the times I woke up next to you, seeing your beautiful face.  I’m sorry for being stupid.  I’m sorry I can’t take things back.  You had every right to be angry, confused, concerned, and hurt.  We were truly beautiful together.  The way our bodies fit so perfectly…you melted into my arms when we slept and cuddled and I’ve never felt so blissful in my life.  Our hearts and bodies became one when we were holding each other so closely…drifting off to slow slumber…your soft breathing on my neck as we slept.  I was at peace…and we fully existed inside that one single moment.  You gave me chills when you moved close to me, when you whispered in my ear, when you fumbled in the dark to find me to hold you close…

Maybe I hesitated about things because I was scared.  Well, there’s no maybe, I was scared.  I spent so many nights in bed considering the future, thinking of what our life would be like…if I was going to be a good parent, mapping out finances.  Especially at your sister’s wedding, I could think of nothing else but “us” and what our wedding was going to be like.  All of our friends, family, the biggest party of all time.  A merging of two worlds, two hearts, two souls… All the love in the air, all the connection, even that night I wanted to tell you so much how I wanted us to be doing the same thing very soon, but I was nervous that it may not be what you wanted.  It was truly a night that we felt like family.  You were so beautiful, and little Braden so handsome in his tux.  I wanted to have a perfect wedding with you, and to work through the planning step by step since you’re such a pro.  Me likely in an old 19^th Century style tux with long tails and a frilly jabot, you in something modern, perhaps with a slitted design on the back and slitted across your stomach to show your amazing skin and curves.  Even so recently when we discussed the Halloween wedding, and wearing masks and how you thought it would be cool, I really had my heart jump at that one, thinking even just possibly that WE could do that together.  If only I had simply told you what was on my heart that night at the wedding.  I know you were feeling it too.

Braden means the world to me.  I’ve been such a mess thinking about my girlfriend and my best friend, and have not been properly processing his role.  I love him.  I’ve watched him grow, watched him get smarter, learn, mature…and it really sucks losing him.  I miss reading to him, I miss talking about dinosaurs with him, I miss the cute way he backs into your lap when he’s playing his DS and won’t turn around.  I miss the swimming, I miss making him feel important by helping me with things I was doing.  The sweetest thing was him sleeping, and carrying him in from the car while he wrapped around my neck.  There was just something so serene and peaceful about that.  I really want a family.  I really want to belong.  I told you in the beginning, and I’m sorry that things felt off track, but I never stopped wanting those things.  He’s the best little guy to enter my life, and it kills me thinking that won’t continue, that I won’t see him struggle with junior high and high school, graduation… You’re doing a wonderful job raising him, you’re a fantastic mother.  And he broke my heart in such a good way saying he wanted me to marry you, how he wants me to be his daddy.  I’ve never felt like that before.  Well I should say twice.  He said something similar before.  You always said so many times you wish you had help and I just wasn’t realizing what you were hinting at, and I should have stepped up and been what you needed.  I’m ready now.

The day you came into my life I knew you were special.  I’ve told you when I first “saw” you at El Tequila, with your puffy jaw.  I really looked at you and saw your beauty and shine, and in that moment even, I wanted to taste your lips.  Weird I know, with your swollen cheek, but you really struck a chord in me and I wanted to know you and get closer.  We started talking more, discussing tattoos, random things, and you even called me late that night on the 4^th of July, and my heart was jumping.  I was elated.  And then I got to spend an evening with you…your soft tender skin and beautiful deep eyes…the way you so longingly gazed at me and I wanted to kiss you so badly.  I wanted to feel true excitement with you.  And I did.  We both got lost in a moment, and both fell a little further that day.  I couldn’t stop thinking about you after that night.  You excite me in exquisite ways that no one has done.  Merely looking at you, your soft hands touching my face, a lovely embrace…and my heart pounds.

Our time started moving quickly, I met your son, and everything started falling in place.  I got to see and talk to you every day, and my life was feeling more complete each day with you in it.  I loved you coming over with Braden to watch tv, and play.  He was so little then.  We got to have lunch every day, we’d sneak off to a little meeting room to be alone…or I’d wait in the hallway to see your pretty face come down to meet me…and the drives back when we went out?  Yes, yes, I’d always steal a heart-melting kiss from you on that back road, our hands intertwined and never letting go.  You shared with me, and let me be your rock and partner.  Oh how I was falling so quickly for you.  The fleeting moments I muttered loving you those drunken nights I was without you.  I secretly wanted you to know how much I wanted you and couldn’t stand being away from you.  There were times I’d even skipped out early on plans just to see you.  My life had finally taken a positive turn after so many long years of worthless relationships.  I’d finally found someone I could spend my life with.

We had so many lovely times, so many wonderful trips, shared so many beautiful nights together in new places.  Going to Frightmare, visiting your dad, going to Galveston and Branson…it was the life I wanted, with the girl I always wanted to find.  You got me in a giant boat in Branson, you got me in the ocean for God’s sake, you got me in many pools.  All the time spent in the car talking, eating snacks, arguing about my driving and me missing turns…we were truly a traveling team.  It is the little moments like those that I cherish and miss the most.  I loved every minute of all we did, and all your family.  I would not have wanted to be in the car that long with anyone else but you.  It was truly the life i’d been looking for, and I should have been telling you these things over and over.

My family loves you, for once my parents have nothing bad to say about a girl i’ve been with, and even today my mom told me how she wanted more grandkids and i’m the last hope honestly.  I think that’s why she loves Braden so much.  I loved that him and Josie played together, it was really like watching our family growing.  it’s hardest to discuss those things with her.  I’m sure she thinks I’m different that what I truly am.  I try to be honest and fair, that you grew ill of my selfishness and inconsideration.  As you know, I reached out to your sister about the ring, but my mother had suggested it too.  That maybe I should stop beating around the bush and marry you or at least show you that I was truly serious.  She asked me many times in the past, and after all you’d been through honestly I didn’t really know if that was the step you wanted to take.  I realize I didn’t ask, and that’s my fault, but I was scared, just like I am now.

So where did we go wrong?  We truly loved each other, that was never a problem.  You wanted me, you needed me, and I wanted you, and I needed you.  Our egos were getting in the way.  You a stubborn redhead, me a calloused aquarius.  You were always and still my only desire.  We bickered, we disagreed, we let emotions control our arguments…and that was bad for both of us.  I know we both did those things because we cared so much, and I know that I was selfish in trying to see things your way, as much as you were selfish seeing them mine.  It doesn’t make us bad people, just makes us human.  I wish to God that everyone and everything could be perfect, but that just isn’t reality.  Our emotions were so strong, I feel we truly brought out the strongest emotions in each other during those things and they just got volatile and out of hand.  We always found our way back, and I think both of us let simple things bother us more than they should, and that was something both of us have to work on.  I loved our resilience.

Did our love stop?  I can’t think or believe it did.  Two powerful years can’t just turn off.  I know there were things I wasn’t doing, things I wasn’t saying, things I wasn’t showing.  There were things I should have been doing, I know, but that still goes both ways.  I never cried to you, I never opened up my heart as much as I should have, and I know I kept you at a bit of a distance with my thoughts.  It is sadly in my nature to censor things I say or express for simple fear of being hurt and because of insecurity…and again it just kept you from knowing how I really felt.  I’ve never stopped loving you, even in the darkest times.  All the fighting and bitter words, I never lost my heart and feeling for you.  I valued the emotions you showed, it told me that you really cared.  You honestly gave me a chance to really see your soul.  I love you and all that you are.

I should have chased you that sad day we came back from St Louis.  I should have discussed your heartfelt email sooner.  I just didn’t know how to process all of it, things had never gotten that bad before.  I sat on the hotel bed reading that email and wanting to cry, hating myself more and more for being so mean while you had just poured your heart out.  I guess I just took for granted that we would work those things out like we always did, and that maybe you just needed some time to clear your head…which turns out you were just waiting for me to come after you.  I’ve told you so many times now that had I known, i’d have never let you walk away.  I only thought you wanted some time to clear your head and tried to respect that.  I fucked up.  I really fucked up.  I was so hurt and so out of sorts because of that incident and the email, I just didn’t know what to do or say.  I ruined things that day.  I should have turned down the pride and told you that every single thing you said touched my heart and made me want you even more.  I’ve said it before, you admitting you wanted to marry me and have kids put everything into perspective, and I messed up by not discussing it with you.  I’m so sorry.  I wanted every single thing you said to be true and to happen.  I never should have said those horrible things I said.  You didn’t deserve it, and I will never do it again.

I’m sorry Kellie, i’m sorry i’ve lost my shit lately.  You’re the most important thing in my life and I was freaking out about losing you and it has caused me so much pain I haven’t been acting myself.  You’ve called me needy, fake, clingy, bothersome…I cry daily about you, and all my thoughts are consumed with you and what i’ve lost.  How could I destroy the one thing that I love?  I’ve acted irrationally and harshly, and definitely done impulsive things.  Those things aren’t me, I know, I’m just losing everything around me and it is killing me so slowly each day.  My lovely little world has crumbled, and I sit deposed from my high roost.  I’ve been breaking down.  I’ve watched you break down and felt so helpless to fix it, and I’m sorry…because now I only want you to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be ok.  You have drawn out so many emotions in me lately that I don’t know how to process.  I’m always the cool collected one, not the emotional wreck.  I wake up empty and cold, and each day without you has been worse than the previous.  It is supposed to get easier but it hasn’t.  Every day at work for weeks now is simply a fight and struggle to make it through the day without crying at work, and fighting myself to reach out to you just to hear your sweet voice.  Seeing you so far away without me tears me apart each day, and every minute is pure heartbreak.  My soul yearns for you, cries for you, is reaching so desperately to find you again.  My soul is lonely without yours, my soulmate, the girl that makes me complete and feel whole.  You have truly given me something wholesome, you’ve made me feel something so powerful that it scared me.  I have never felt this way about another person, and never felt so lonely and damaged in losing someone.  My life had meaning and direction with you being a part of it, you and Braden both.  I’m wandering in circles after losing my true love and my best friend, and also my little Braden.  My emotions have taken over and gotten the best of me, and I know it is only pushing you further away.  I am fucking up.

Rings.  Perhaps it was a huge mistake.  Judging by your answer it obviously was.  I’m sure it came off as an act of desperation and not adoration, and maybe I’ve slowly been missing the line between the two.  You’ve wanted actions, you’ve stopped believing my words, you’ve stopped trusting in the things I say.  So in one daring, brave act, I did the impossible and unexpected, and the most insane thing I could think of just to show you I stood seriously behind my promises and my heart.  You’re right though.  It should have been sooner.  But it wasn’t.  It was then.  And my timing was never impeccable as you’ve known.  Alas, I tried.  I picked out a ring beautiful enough for your finger, and a diamond to match, just to prove my worth and my desire.  Utter rejection is rather painful I must say.  Perhaps that was best.  I only want you to know it was not a solution, it was never to mask the disenchantments…it was to show you truly that I love you and you were the one I’d chosen to keep forever.  But I’ve lost you.

I should have been doing those things the entire 2 years we were together.  I should have been giving you flowers, little gifts of adoration, and expressing to you all the beautiful thoughts of you.  At times I did.  I guess just not at the times I should.  It hurts that you wish to believe it is fake, and that it is insincere, because it isn’t.  I would never do those things to gain your favor, I do them to see you smile and watch your heart warm.  You light the room with your radiance when you’re happy, and making you happy is worth seeing that inside you.  I really thought that I was getting better about things, that I was growing closer to you, and all the while I was simply deluded.  What a revelation to wake up to.  It seemed that everything was starting to work so much better right up until that trip, and then I just totally destroyed all of it.  You told me you fell so hard for me, and I thought I caught you, but it seems you were always sliding out of my grasp due to my negligence and blindness.

Those recent times again during this painful situation…you calling that morning telling me you felt you should be in my arms, and so you came home to me and you were…I know you felt it too, our hearts beating together and breath rising and falling in sync…feeling like home again. The few times after, how I never wanted to let you go.  It hurts that I’d neglected those things.  It hurts that both of us did.  And all the things I’ve told you now, I’ve poured out my soul with words and tears…and no you never saw me cry until now.  I’ve kept myself so detached from those things just believing I wasn’t broken, and I was.  I’d forgotten how to express myself to you.  I should have seen it all along, all the times I praised you, talked sweet about you, discussed you…I should have been telling those beautiful things to YOU.  That’s what I realized the night I called you to talk, that instead of discussing or analyzing, I simply needed to say those words to you, to the one that mattered most.

All the trivial things, all the small things, all the every day quirks, idiosyncrasies, habits, actions…  I will miss Christmas shopping with you.  I will miss being woken by Braden so early to open Christmas presents and watching him be so excited.  I will miss time with your family on thanksgiving.  I will miss your Grandfather that actually seemed to like me, that we had Golden Corral with.  I will miss the sound of your car pulling up in my driveway, I knew the sound by heart.  I will miss the way you wiggle when putting on pants.  I will miss you sending pouty lip pictures to me when I asked to see your pretty face.  I will miss the way Braden would tell me to “read the ‘structions” for his new toys.  I will miss the way your hair shines in the sunlight.  I will miss opening your car door.  I will miss the way you’d place your hands on my neck when you kissed me, and I will miss your luscious lips dancing with mine.  I will miss your voice speaking my name.  I will miss you falling asleep on me while watching movies late at night.  I will miss the way the top of your nose crinkles when you truly smile happily.  I will miss your cold toes under my blanket.  I will miss seeing you steal my tshirts.  I will miss Braden defending your honor when I tickled or pinched you.  I will miss you making fun of my outfit choices.  I will miss watching you, so gorgeous, in front of my mirror getting ready.  I will miss the mornings you worked later than me, and how cute you were in my bed.  I will miss nights up with Braden building forts or rolling him up as a burrito in a blanket.  I will miss the fire in your eyes when you looked at me passionately or angrily.  I will miss all the teaching and learning that Braden has ahead.  I will miss the soft touch of your hands against mine.  I will miss the way you urged me, and encouraged me to be my best and to achieve goals.  I will miss kissing you on Valentines Day.  I will miss the “…may we have 100 more” that now will never happen.  I will miss eating Mexican with you and feeling miserable afterwards.  I will miss seeing Blue October again and again with you.  I will miss standing in my bedroom doorway and scaring the crap out of you.  I will miss the way you used to wear different colored socks and how I’d find them all over the place.  I will miss your scent on my pillow.  I will miss Braden saying “ya sure I can try”.  I will miss being next to you at the beginning of each new year.  I will miss you painting my toes.  I will miss the long, cold snowy nights we were frozen indoors.  I will miss you comforting me when I had bad dreams.  I will miss the way you held me after my friend John’s funeral.  I will miss the way you slept crooked on the bed.  I will miss exploring every beautiful square inch of your body.  I will miss all the undying and devoted love we have shared.  I will miss hearing the words “I love you” from your lips.  I will miss you telling me one last time that this will work, and that we are going to fix this together and be even stronger than before.  I will miss having you next to me always, falling asleep and waking up and facing each day.  I will miss all the sacrifices you made selflessly to be part of my life.

Kellie Jo Sundberg, you are the most beautiful person i’ve had the pleasure of meeting.  My life is incomplete without you, which is why i’ve so often tried reaching out to you.  You comforted me in my darkness, you gave me light to keep going, and you were the reason I loved waking up each day.  Just your little texts in the morning knowing I had someone that loved me, and someone I loved, and each day since is just painful.  I stare at my phone so often in the morning hoping you will text…and i’ve never checked my peephole so often hoping that maybe you’ll be standing outside my door.  It’s sad.  It’s pathetic.  I’ve been a total wreck and a mess for so many weeks now for sure.  My beautiful Shortcake, you’ve been such a blessing in my life and I will be forever changed with you not being in it, I will be forever changed by meeting you, and forever changed by Braden.  You showed me a glimpse of the life I never had, and the life I always wanted.  I’ve fucked up.  You are and were the girl of my dreams.  You are and were the most lovely creature i’ve found.  You are and were the person that i’ve been searching for my entire life.  I have failed in my path, and failed you as a companion.  So many times we pushed each other away, only to find our way back because of our love.  My heart is pure, and belongs only to you.  I’m head over heels in love with you still, and have been since the day we met.  This was never what I wanted to happen, this wasn’t meant to be, and i’ve only wanted to show you how much I don’t want to continue without you.  My dearest Kellie, Kellie, Kellie, I love you so much.  You are in my very soul.  None of this should have happened.  I never wanted to hide so many true feelings from you.  We have both made mistakes, and I am humbled by you and wholeheartedly regretful for the things i’ve done to cause you strife.  I never wanted to break the most beautiful thing in my life….we were incredible together.  My love for you will never end.  My dearest Shortcake, I beg you to not dismiss or forget your feelings and all those things we shared.

 

 

my recurring terror…

every night.

every single night.

since this began in august, i have dreamt of her every single night without fail.  whether she be a main focus, or insignificant in the dream, she is always there.  it’s tormenting.  some nights we are close…some nights we are passionate…some nights we are disdainful.  it’s the passionate nights that i enjoy the most of course…holding her close, kissing her lips, caressing her gentle skin…all those hidden pleasures now being missed.

and even the disdainful times…the fire in her eyes and danger in her words…just interacting with her brings a strange calmness.

this separation is death.  it is my death…and i die daily.  everyone says not to give up on love, but what am i to do?  this love has become unrequited and painful.

i close my eyes when i crawl into bed, and my eyes and mind create her image on the pillow next to me, slumbering peacefully, exactly as i remember her.  those visions are haunting me, and i cannot shake them.  i don’t even remember it being this tragically difficult with the Shehag.  she left me march 1st, and by the middle of july, i despised her.  my heart was bitter with her actions as she proved how childish and immature she wanted to treat me, and in that instant my heart turned black and i had no desire to be back with her.

but not with my Shortcake.  knowing all that is being done to push me away intentionally, and knowing all that is being done with no regard to my feelings…that should be enough to end this torture, but it won’t.  i must doubt that i’m even a daily thought, or even weekly.  or perhaps i am.  perhaps she fights as much as i do just to stay at a distance…but the more i hear, the more i can only doubt it.

i don’t enjoy being such a mistake.

i don’t enjoy the feeling that one day she opened her eyes and decided that i’m no longer part of her life or heart.  so violently she lashed at me to force me back…to urge me to skulk away to my corner and leave her alone.  is it what she really wanted the whole time?  did she simply want me to fuck off and go away?  did she honestly just want to go out and be single and fuck around and the honest way to do so was to leave me dry?  certainly that’s the respectable way to do it…to leave me before acting on these urges…

but what was it that i was not providing that is so quickly being done now?  a replacement does all these things in the span of a day to turn her heart so quickly from me?

either i believe that i mattered not to her, that i was a failure and the relationship was a lie…or i believe that i’m a fucking monster and i damaged her beyond my repair in such a way she had to leave my horrible presence.

how exactly can i live with either of those?  both options leave me desolate and ruined…perhaps no one even understands that.  it’s a lose-lose situation for me, and my heart and soul are wrecked, not to mention my entire self-worth.

why must this girl have such hold on my very soul?  my essence lies within her fingertips and she doesn’t even know it.  or, she knows very well the hold she has on me and simply chooses to ignore.  my pain became my own, so long ago, and the perception is that she could care less.

i wanted so badly to be married by the end of 2011.  i was ready to make that step, and ready to make that commitment.  my failure has now come twice, and i don’t know that i can bare to do it again.  my soul is not strong enough to keep breaking.

 

comfort…

Just come home where you belong.

 

losing focus…

my heart is heavy, heavier than normal these past few days…and yet i can’t seem to pour the words that i’m feeling.

i want to hate, i want to scream, i want to cry, i want to disappear.

i’ve felt the devastating separation for weeks now, and i’m still not ok with it.  i’ve lost something very important, and now i must live with regret.

i only wish i knew where the anger comes from…her voice and her words…they’re so poisonous and full of malevolence.  her hatred seems to be a raging fire directed only at me, and i can’t have been the sole cause.  something triggered this, something was a catalyst…and i only wish i could see the spark.

i am not the Devil you are convinced that i am.  if only you would close your eyes again, you would see me…

 

xmas eve

Oh my dear, my lost love.

Can our last Xmas eve be replaced?

I came home late, you lounging in bed relaxed, and skin so warm…still bothered at me being gone so late…

And so gently I convinced you to leave your bed for me…to venture to your warm shower…

The hot water beating down on your porcelain skin, and how our lips locked so intently and passionately…

…hands fumbling, caressing gently over your warming skin as the soothing water streaked across our bare skin…

…the way you gasped at every slow movement as my fingers tickled across your body, your back arching in delight as I explored dangerous little parts of your body with my hands and mouth…

…and so lovingly I kneeled down, water still spraying us and keeping us warm…my mouth and tongue so slowly flicking across those pulsing parts of your body as your knees started trembling and your breathing turned to moaning…

…faster and faster I moved, hands gripping your thighs to hold you still, you fighting to hold your balance against the pleasure you were feeling…

…louder and faster as the water still streaked down your body, so hot and so relaxing, you quivering with increased passion…

…your knees weakening as I continued…

…rapture moving closer and closer…as we left the shower to continue excitedly on the shower rug and floor…your eyes rolling and legs shaking…

…the most passionate night we shared…I will never repeat such an experience and you will never feel such intensity…that night shall never be rivaled…my shortcake, my love…the things that will never be revisited….

 

my arms…

You should be here, cuddled in MY arms right now, my beautiful Shortcake…I wish you would come home…

 

my lies

she’s not a monster.

she’s not a whore.

she’s not heartless.

she’s…only human, and only as fallible as i am.

and i just don’t like admitting that i’m fallible.

 

I may just be kidding myself. Lack of sleep made my emotions dull…I wasn’t thinking about her. I’ve refreshed a bit and now just feel remorseful again. Sigh. I’m never going to have an Xmas eve as beautiful as last year’s… 🙁

 

ruiner

I failed to tell her she’s my one and only.

I stopped holding her hand.

I left her alone in my bed when I woke restless, to watch tv.

I only stayed at her place a handful of days over the course of a year, the rest she came to mine.

I tended to choose what I wanted to do more often than her.

I asked her to help me unconditionally with things she hated.

I neglected to stare adoringly and compliment her every day.

I shirked taking her to lunch on my days off.

I missed a lot of important things she did with family.

I ignored how badly she wanted help as a dedicated single parent.

I overlooked how many hints she gave about our future and her desires.

I cooked from scratch only once for her.

I kissed her less and less in public.

I disregarded how painfully I enabled her insecurity.

I forgot how beautiful talking to her on the phone was and kept calls short.

I never once looked for large events or conventions for her hobbies to attend with her as she did with me.

I could have helped babysit more for her to have her own free time as I did.

I should have ridden with her every time she had an errand and asked me.

I needed to let her lean her head on my shoulder standing in store lines.

I misunderstood so many tears that ran down her cheek thinking I was helpless to fix them.

I often strayed in public to socialize and did not make enough attempts to include her.

I wrote no poems or romantic letters for her.

I sent no random flowers or gifts “just because.”

I hid my feelings and never told her that she was my future.

I worried I would not make a good parental figure for her son and at times shied away.

I argued instead of listening to her.

I visited and stayed too briefly when I worked right down the road from her house.

I mocked playfully when she wasn’t in the mood and at times was insensitive.

I behaved selfishly at times, stubbornly not trying new things with her.

I questioned instead of trusting.

I touched my freezing cold hands on her bare skin to watch her cringe.

I read none of the books she asked me to read.

I sarcastically answered questions I figured she should know.

I fought back in trivial conflicts instead of just grabbing her and kissing her.

I chose time with my friends over time as a family more often than not.

I proudly should have kept her at my side during everything I did.

I vainly allowed resentment to help push her away instead of chasing after.

I committed myself to her, but never once gave her that security.

I shattered her with angry words and let her slip away unapologetically.

I carelessly took aspects of my relationship for granted; assuming things were going to work out.

I broke the beautiful heart of my lover with my indignation.

I blinded the vision of my future wife with my arrogance.

I wounded my soul’s mate with my ignorance and inaction.

I destroyed the potential of an amazing family with my childish desperation.

I’m an asshole.

I’m a prick.

I’m arrogant.

I’m pretentious.

I’m self-absorbed.

I’m self-involved.

I’m heartless.

I’m cold.

I’m relentless.

I’m unapologetic.

I’m apathetic.

I’m hurtful.

I’m rude.

I’m greedy.

I’m negative.

I’m empty.

 

hmm

perhaps i’ve spoken out of turn.  my words can be harsh and misinterpreted, so for once i shall censor myself.  i didn’t intend for my words to be so harmful, so i’m removing them.  it’s easy to read into things that aren’t there, and i guess that goes both ways.

i only want my friendships, i only want people to stay close.

i only want the truth.

i only want honesty.

i only want open communication with all my friends.

i might as well have been awake over 24 hours now and my thoughts are getting jumbled and a little rash.  some things are becoming obvious, however, and those are the things i can’t hide from. some things don’t take a lot to figure out, i suppose, and those are the things i see all too clearly these days.  the clues are strewn about, waiting for a watchful eye to connect the dots…and sadly i’m clever.  at times i wish i wasn’t, and at times i wish i didn’t see all the things i do.  my place is gone now, and i’ve painfully and often angrily had to accept that.

my heart is poured on these pages…it is the only outlet i have now.  i can only ask that my words are heard and not falling on deaf ears.

i want a peaceful night’s sleep, and i want my dreams to be calm as well.  i don’t want to keep seeing what may have been or what once was…as beautiful as it may be.  but then again, if dancing in my sleep is the last dance i have, perhaps i should take it.

my true heart is offering a true apology in my continuing time of need.  i’m not interested in further damage to fragile hearts.

i’ll find a way to pull my life back together.  all those things i had in my grasp i’ll just have to find elsewhere, that much is obvious.  it certainly would have been a wonderful life, though.  perhaps in due time.  for now this life is best served in experience and learning, untethered by stronger, cosmic connections…though in this case it appears those strings were severed quickly and easily.

be blissful and beautiful, always.

 

All bullshit. Fucked up bullshit. No one in their right mind would believe it.

They only want someone to be in the same shitty predicament as themselves, and that’s nothing I can defend.

Choose your own battles and who you defend.

 

Perhaps it’s true. I’m the one up at 330am still losing sleep. I’m the one in pain. I’m the one who is a fucking idiot for believing.

It’s never going to be any different. Forever forgotten.

 

I’m still fucking broken. And there is one person to blame.

 

You really are just like them…plastic and hollow.  So many things were so undeserved and so unappreciated.

 

This is seriously the worst fucking time of my entire life.

 

From Whence comes all the anger and rage…

 

Sums it up well! Damn country songs…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLF5daSZmYo&sns=em

 

 

A Love That Lasts

Started reading “a love that lasts” and couldn’t put it down until I finished it. This is an amazing book I was given as a gift and certainly should have read it months ago. Thank you.

 

grass is always greener.

seriously…everyone should check this out.  it’s pretty interesting and deeply observational…

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t251986/

 

2010. What to say.

so the year ended. and what is there to say about it? amidst the multiple positive things…and the negative things…i don’t even know how i feel about it now.

where to begin.

though it wasn’t part of 2010, my 2009 ended beautifully with an amazing xmas eve…leading into the new year. day 1 of january was a whirlwind of passion and an unforgettable night.

and then…the planning of my birthday (which has just become so burdensome, since it always seems to snow or storm now). theme was chosen, and then two weeks prior, i was breathlessly surprised by Kellie with a surprise party with nearly 40 of my friends. no one has done that for me in YEARS, and i was totally shocked and amazed that she put so much work, thought, and time into it.

then 2 weeks later…yes, it iced and snowed, so my planned party was slightly a bust. still a great time. based on the wrecked party, i had a third party in february for the remaining folks that had missed out, or just another reason to go drink.

what else. oh yes. around march i decided to finally take steps to lose weight that i’d tried doing for 6 years or more…and i accomplished that goal. i lost 40 pounds (175 to 135) over the course of a few months with diligent calorie counting. i’ve successfully maintained this, and kept the weight off as well. that’s probably the big success of the year.

oh, and then there was Nude:6, which was an amazing time. i tried to step up some of my makeup skills for a zombie skit with my friend and founder of the show (daniel gulick) with a lot of help and motivation from kellie. it turned out great, and she was an amazing sport to let me cover her in blood.

shortly after, there was the 80s prom, and thinking it would be an easy costume…i opted to go as a smurf. again, with the unending help from the wonderful kellie…6 hours later i was blue, and we were both pissed off and frustrated…and went and had a decent time. so much work for such a small time out though, i hated that i’d ruined the night.

what else…Frightmare in Dallas. it was fun, but the event was a bit disappointing. met some cool celebs and had fun, but i really should have taken my partner. had a sentimental moment with William Katt involving his old movie “Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend” which was awesome. plus i got to watch Derek Mears eat his birthday cake in the bar.

i swam in the ocean. well, not really swam, but i was submerged in the water. i went to galveston with kellie and her son, and it was a wonderful time. the kid behaved incredibly for the 9 hour drive too. i went on more vacations with that girl than i have in my entire life i think 🙂 it was a nice trip and a fun little holiday. too bad it was so short.

and then there was Midwest Vapefest. kellie and i drove to st. louis for a “vapers meet” with some of the electronic cigarette community, and i met some wonderful people and made new friends, and partied my ass off. st. louis is a cool city, seems like a lot to do around there. we also visited the Arch, but didn’t go up top. the wait was ridiculous.

and then…the year turned to disaster by september.

some serious fighting began with kellie, and we started pulling apart. the rift was growing and growing, and i was beginning to lose control of my emotions. i didn’t want to lose this girl.

at the time, we both knew we didn’t want it to end and wanted to repair things, so we tried slowly to work out problems.

i began my halloween planning, and spent A LOT buying top quality product to pull off my most amazing endeavor yet, and with the immaculate help of daniel gulick airbrushing me, we created a superb torso painted zombie out of my skinny body. it will be difficult to top that costume, but i’m certainly going to try again this year for halloween. i’d spared kellie from having to help with this costume, which i’m sure she was grateful. she also accompanied me to try to win a big costume contest…and i didn’t, sadly.

and then, the bomb explodes. by the end of the night, she tells me she wants things to end. no more working, no more fixing, that everything is over.

i die inside.

i’d done soul searching the past few months during the fighting, and knew i wanted this girl forever, and ultimately decided to show my intent and passion by purchasing a beautiful engagement ring (yes, i went to Jareds!). obvoiusly now, it was a rash move and i knew better, but i didn’t want to have regrets. my proposal to kellie was refused, and thus my heart and soul has been broken since.

nothing else has really taken place since then…i had a family filled thanksgiving and christmas, and i’m thankful for my friends and family. i’ve reconnected with a lot of old faces, and i’m also thankful for that. i’m nearing 2 years tobacco free too, coming up in february, thanks to vaping and electronic cigarettes.

so here we are. this was not how i planned to enter the new year, and this was the year my life was going to be changing and growing, and i’d planned to begin my family. seems 2011 won’t be the time for this now, so…yeah, can’t say i’m as overly excited about the new year as everyone else seems to be.

so…here’s to my friends, family, lovers, haters, fans and foes. may 2011 be the year we all shine again.

 

“forget me not” June 14th, 2005

will you remember the times i looked at you,

will you remember how i touched your skin?

will you ignore the way i treated you,

will you ignore how things could’ve been?

will you forget so easily the things i did for you,

will you forget how broken your soul was?

will you cast aside my kissing you,

will you cast aside all thoughts of us?

do it. i want to be dead. i want to be gone. i want to be the aftertaste you can’t rid yourself of, the thought that you hide having, the memory you wish was synthetic…

 

will you ever really know? April 22nd, 2006

i’ll never fully organize the thoughts in my head….

how much should it hurt to leave words unsaid?  how much should we regret those last actions that we never took?  how much does it even matter?

i feel alive through the pain and worry, sometimes even thinking that if i’m consoled that i may simply long to feel that same pain again.  what if my words mattered?  what if all those things that have been said really DO mean something?

i wish for a fairy tale, one that i’ll never have.  i want to gaze into eyes and know that nothing else matters.  i want to feel something unreal.  i want to feel something devastating.  i want to have my breath taken away.  i want to fall to my knees in a fit of emotion.

i want another Romeo and Juliet moment…to see someone in a room and know automatically that our souls are dancing…to lust for our lips to touch in one blissful embrace…to feel weightless when our hands touch…

what if?

“there is no you, there is only me”  “i just made you up to hurt myself”  -nin

i know how i am, and i know that i’d only fuck things up again in the way i always do…i’m so erratic and indecisive…i want the things that i’ve lost instead of the things i’ve found.

i’ve hurt so many people….and hopefully i have their forgiveness….people have given me their devotion and attention and in the end i throw it back in their faces…i show you my soul and then i cover it up again…and i’m sorry…and you’ll never understand that my pain is always greater than what i’ve caused you.  i hope that those of you i’ve damaged will learn to respect me for doing it.  self-inflicted pain is so much faster and easier than waiting for you to hurt me…but i’m sure it’s not the solution to my problem.

….have i been myself?  how robotic have i become?  was i something so vastly different that i’d become the monster i’d hated to be?  i shut you out because i was afraid…because i worried i’d only fuck it up…and by closing my heart, i became my own self-fulfilling prophecy…i feared so much that you’d leave me ruined, and my fear only drove you further away…and i gave you no other choice but to tear me apart.

i never liked what i’d become, but i didn’t know any better.  i watched you cry to me, i watched you cry FOR me, and i stayed stonelike and unmoved.  and afterwards i tried to tear you down as well, but have now realized that i was the worst thing that could have happened to you…you deserved better than what i was, no matter how high of regard i kept myself.  i wanted to believe that i was untouchable, that i was the best thing the world had to offer…but i wasn’t.  i was the worst thing you could have had, at least in the end.  somewhere i lost track of my motivation and my love, and i turned it against you and pushed you away in my own self-pity.  part of me so desperately wishes that these words will fall where they need to be, and yet i doubt myself so much that it’s hard to believe they truly will.

i’m probably better off alone, because it’s safer that way.  i can’t hurt you if i push you away.  your heart is safe when it’s outside my grasp.  my touch is cold…i can pretend that i’m flesh but inside i feel so twisted…like i can’t truly open myself to anyone anymore without fear i’ll only make them believe something that isn’t true.  what if things never changed?  how far would it have gone?  how much would you have continued to deal with?

i said i love you….to all of you…and it was true.  don’t ever think or feel that my words were false, or that my emotions weren’t there, because they were.  i’ve tried to learn that what is good for me may not always be good for someone else, even if it means sacrificing something pure and honest.

…my friends would demean me for believing something could ever happen, especially after all the shit that has happened.  but does that mean i should stop believing?  should i stop thinking of it?  should i erase the thought so completely that i’d be cold and distant if it happened?

“what if everything around you isn’t quite as it seems….what if all the world you used to know is an elaborate dream….and if you look at your reflection is it all you want to be?  what if you could look right through the cracks, would you find yourself afraid to see?”  -nin

i’ll show you love, i’ll show you hate…i’ll show you deeper emotion than you’ve ever believed…i’ll make you thankful you met me, and i’ll make you hate me for ever crossing your path….

what would it take for you to believe in me again?

 

another shehag-ism 2005

I asked for the opposite of you, I got what I asked for..another me. …   I’ve decided this must be how it is for me.  If there is a soulmate out there for me, someone must have stolen him, as I am engaged to someone elses.  Isn’t that a scary thought?  Just as I am holding onto someone elses soulmate, in a desperate hope he will change into mine, my real soul mate might be out there unhappily married to another.  Scary thought?

 

Quote from Shehag 2005 —

“You know, it didn’t matter how many times I heard, I can’t see you two together. This shouldn’t be a statement to make either couple feel like the better one, obviously if you’re too different for her friends it’s prolly true that she didn’t match up wiht yours either. It always made me mad- that statement, because it made it sound like you weren’t good enought for me or something, if I was shallow enough to let that go to my head, I wasn’t good enough for you either then. That’s how it should be. In the end all that matters is you two and later your family. you don’t come home to hear about everyone elses drama, you care about your family and nothing else matters as much.”

 

You’ve officially crossed the fucking line. Don’t knock on the door of a monster, because the monster may just knock back. You’ve been spared thus far, don’t tempt being devoured. I know every single word to drop you to your knees.

 

And even still…

…my bed is the one place I still fear, the room I dread. Nothing hurts more than walking in here each night and the flood of memories that ensue.

Must be nice not having that problem or association. Guilt would certainly stop me from sharing my bed this soon.  I can’t even think about that or consider it.  The thought just makes me sick.  I can’t picture myself with my hands on another woman, and especially the thought of someone’s hands all over…her…is just sickening.  But that’s what i must accept and deal with.  These are the thoughts that slowly kill me.

And no one would understand anyway, that these are reasons I never sleep.

 

So fucking selfish, I never believed I’d love someone who wants to behave this way. When did you become so convinced you were God’s gift to man?

And you call ME the arrogant one.

 

bullshit.

am i a thought?

am i a whisper?

am i even a memory?

such a long amount of time…reduced to nothing.  eyes closed tightly to forget everything that mattered.

how long did she cry for me?  how long did she yearn for me?  how long did she notice i was gone?  was it days…minutes…seconds?  was it a blink of an eye to erase every instant we’d spent in love?

what should i believe…that those emotions are buried and are just repressed?  sure, that’s what “they” all say…and i don’t see why i should consider that’s possible.  i’ve watched this before.  i’ve watched one so close just suddenly turn so cold.  i’ve watched lips scream passionately “i love you” and in the next breath tell me to “fucking disappear”.

go away, daniel, just leave me the fuck alone.

tell me out of anger…or tell me out of honesty.  admit that all love has turned to indifference…or admit that it’s easiest to make me hate you rather than face your emotions.

you weren’t “replaced”…

oh but i was.  say it all day until you believe it, and tell me all those small things companionship brings are not simply being incorporated back into daily life with another, and not with me.

thing is, there IS no fucking replacement for me.  every situation can be repeated, but it’s never going to be me, and it’s never going to be how you felt when we shared them.  i’m not kidding myself any longer about that one.

friends with major relationship problems shouldn’t be the ones making suggestions or comments on how your life could be different.  misery loves company.  a girl’s biggest competition is always her own girlfriends.  sad, really, that their lives can be so miserable and damaged that they only want someone to be on their level in order for them all to relate…to have something in common.  pitiful girls in bad relationships only want someone to bitch and complain with them until they convince that girl she’s just as ruined as they are.

opinions were formed based on what they know and their interactions…

should i believe this one?  should i believe that surprisingly a small handful of people despise me based on limited interaction?  it’s fucking ludicrous.  that’s the one that hits below the belt.  when everyone i’ve crossed paths with can only express how no one on the planet hates or dislikes me…perhaps take notice that my friends are loyal and in it for the long haul.  they aren’t flighty and fickle.  i’m sure those opinions were never influenced by constant complaining of all those simple things i “never did” with no mention of all i DID.

my aloofness inspires insecurity.  jealousy is now understood, because it’s what i must face daily now by being replaced by lesser beings with superficial traits.  is that as deep as one needs to go?  was that my problem?  is intelligence and profundity too intense for the mild to handle without feeling dumb around me?

or perhaps i should have offered mindless words snatched from the internet, and pulled from the mouths of others.  a flowery compliment written from someone better…an objective observation of beauty to boost your esteem to show you my appreciation?  my own penned words of expression plucked from my own heart apparently are worthless…

let me flatter you with pretty words so i can pretend i’m deep…let me impress you with dazzling phrases so i can fuck you…

life is so much easier when you live on the surface.

the threat of remembering is the enemy making you forget.

fear of commitment is not one i have.  look deeper.  at each crossroad where life can continue and progress, it seems the alternate path has been taken instead of the path being traveled.  who would understand or even notice though, but with the treatment in the past, it’s no wonder that would be the biggest fear one’s heart may hold.  the tragic way things ended after a blissful union would be enough to make me run when the opportunity arose.  no one can imagine the travesty suffered during those times.  a beautiful partner turned into a raging psychopath, and later a “perfect life” hit too close to home when it could have moved further.  and when those same words and desires left my lips in agreement with your feelings, heels turned and you ran.  telling me “six months ago” doesn’t apply to “now” is an insult.  if i’d realized this was your fear, i could have saved myself months of tears and self-inflicted pain.

i convinced myself she never cared.  i convinced myself i was a worthless piece of shit.  i convinced myself that i was the monster.  with so many mirrors, she still doesn’t see clearly.

all twisted emotional transgressions eventually catch up to all of us when not faced.  i beat myself up for 8 years now believing i was the sole cause of the loss of the other big love of my life, only to finally hear it was her mistake.  she was young and immature.  things are seen differently with age and experience, and all those “terrible” things i was accused of…were her own insecurities.  and now the greatest love of my life has walked away giving the same excuses…and should i truly believe this was my doing?  should i believe i’m mechanical and dangerous?  should i fall on the blade of regret, blaming only my selfishness for the destruction of the most beautiful thing my heart held dear?

NO.

age…indecisiveness…fear…and negativity — those were my adversaries.  i’m an amazing friend, a deathly loyal partner, and an exquisite lover.  believing otherwise simply makes you blind, or possibly ignorant.

i don’t want to hear what logic tells you.  i don’t care to listen to what society suggests you do.  i don’t want to hear what is thought to be “best” because it’s easier.

i want the words the heart sings.  i want the notions the emotions speak.  i want the expressions the soul shares.  no great love comes without effort and consequence.

i will follow my heart, and i will believe in love and hope.  if that makes me wrong, then i shall maintain my constant folly.

believe your heart when gazing in my eyes, or believe you now only see darkness.  stand near me and tell me i no longer exist.

 

unfuckingbelievable

at least that’s what i should be saying, but not this time.  no, it’s perfectly believable since it isn’t the first time.  it’s not even the second time.

so i’m strung along, beaten down, and ultimately lied to and replaced.  awesome.  i’m really glad i could waste so much time and energy.  and then i’m told that I’M the one saying mean things, when all i did was make ACCURATE observations.  even called it right after the ring about the “omg your arms should be around ME right now!” post…and still i’m lied to.

do truths ever exit your lips?

 

ugh

Tell me how I should feel right now. I just feel so distant and so disconnected. Once things were so close and I had someone to love, and now they’re so in love with another.

Where does that leave me? Broken, bruised, forgotten, sore…too fucked up to care anymore…

Am i really so terrible and so easily replaced by someone so far below me? Every time?

 

wish it could be different!

But it seems it will not. My words appear to be falling on deaf ears, so within due, short time, I must accept it and disappear. Our souls cannot exist like this. I know this and she knows this…and since they’ve been separated, it is likely best to ensure they fully pull apart. My soul will not rest without it’s mate, and perhaps it is only my soul feeling the loss and separation. Perhaps it’s mate does not need the connection with mine to remain feeling whole.

It hurts immensely, but it is what must be done when the time presents itself. The souls I’ve touched are all ultimately pulled so violently from me, only to retain the connection with mine, always maintaining the remorse for the suffered loss.

Days remain, but the outcome only feels bleak.

 

inzombiac

One thing I don’t fully understand…is that I was accused of “not changing” and “people don’t change” because “(you) said so yourself”.  Now, granted, I think some of it is out of context, because people don’t change…much.  I know i’ve seen my mistakes come full circle with certain behaviors, mainly the lack of telling girls i want to marry them when THEY want me to tell them.  Attitudes however, can change, which is pretty obvious.  The irony in this whole thing though, is that doesn’t that say the same of others?

If I’m accused of all my bad behavior, all the negative I’ve done, all the insensitivity…that means others are the same too, by that argument.  Deceptive people don’t stop being deceptive, liars don’t stop lying…right?  I’ve had trust that most negative activities people do can be situational, but is that really true?  Most evidence I see of people that act that way…they tend to always act that way, though they will never admit it or find excuses to justify or reasons why they are an exception.  Life would be easier if people would openly admit what they do instead of trying to hide it, especially if it is EXTREMELY OBVIOUS what is going on.

Or is that the problem?  They don’t want to face what they really are, so it’s easier to hide it and not admit it?  We all wear masks, that’s for sure.  Is it embarrassment?  Do we not want others knowing what we are doing because we are ashamed or guilty?  I’ve been hidden before…the guilty pleasure…the boy that girls don’t want to tell their girlfriends about.  I’ve been a dirty little secret.  It was fun for a while, but it soon becomes obvious that the other person is way too insecure to ever make a true relationship work in that situation.  The times I’ve had that happen usually end up in the girl banging some new dude and not wanting to tell me, and then to find some obscure, nonsensical excuse to throw all the blame on me so they can walk away “guilt free”.  Oh well.  Forgive and forget, they’ve figured it out now and most have come around to apologize for their immature behavior.  Guilt usually catches up pretty quickly, I know it does for me.

Who knows.  My brain is jelly right now anyway, had some past experiences floating around that wanted to get typed out.   I think I’ve had about 8 hours sleep total now in about 72 hours, and I’m getting worse.  My eyes are starting to hurt, my reaction times are slowing, and my thoughts are getting duller.  I’m not irritable though, which is surprising.  I may be a bit quicker to annoyance due to ignorance though.  I was asked a stream of ignorant questions yesterday and it was all I could do to not just tell someone they’re an idiot.  Only 5 more hours…then to decide if I want to stay awake until nighttime to stay on schedule or try to fall asleep after work.

The flood of thoughts is just horrible.  I used to have mental exercises to try to help fall asleep, but the images hit the back of my eyes so quickly I can’t even hold focus on one single thing.  Even without trying, faces, people, scenes, imagery…all of it just starts pouring in when my eyes are closed.  The kind where it feels that it is being seen “outside” your eyes, not inside your mind, if that makes sense at all.  When one closes their eyes tightly and sees flashy light…that’s what I’m referring to.  Those flashy lights and colors pull together and form figures, faces, things, and are set into motion as a visual.  And yes…as it has been for so many nights now, the dangerous beauty still creeps in every time.

Even still, all the angst, betrayal and jealousy just goes away when she smiles in my mind.  Sigh.  I’m ridiculous.  Maybe I dodged a real bullet on that one by being rejected. I could have taken steps to get closer many months ago, and this blowup and total change could have happened afterwards…or maybe never would have.  Who can say, really.  And all the months of defending my actions to everyone’s dismay, it gets exhausting.  I can only follow my heart, and I don’t believe in giving up on love.  Of the many emotions, love is the only bond we can maintain through distance, conflict, hardship, time…you name it.  It is the emotion that holds up forever.  As for dodging a bullet, I always thought the same with Shehag…that maybe it was always best I didn’t propose to her, because now she has 3 lovely kids and a family, and had she stayed that wouldn’t have happened.  I guess Devil’s Advocate though…she wouldn’t be in a prison of a marriage with a controlling prick husband.  We all make choices, right?  I shouldn’t feel sorry for them, not the ones that are now damaged after walking away.  That is what my heart and soul does though…I can’t help but feel pity for the poor little creatures.

I have no idea what I’m talking about…I really need sleep.  And nicotine.

 

subconscious torture…

My dreams aren’t really helping. Still, nightly, all I see is her. It’s still not enough that she is on my mind all day, and I must dream of her too? What exactly is it in me that wants me to keep seeing her? And they aren’t even dreams of past times or memories, but of new places and new experiences. I dream of happy times, I dream of smiling. I dreamt of her being cold in a sleeveless shirt and hugging her to warm her up…and her eyes were so sincere and caring. I want to see them again, the way her nose crinkled at the breadth of her smile when it was pure. So many visions that just won’t go away as much as I try.

And at this point I just keep reminding myself that so much is bullshit and I’m obviously not even a whisper on her lips, or a twinkle in her eye, or a moment in her mind. She gave up on love when it got difficult. She left me for dead and became a new person and it’s horrifying.

I keep repeating my role of stepping stone to learn new things and it’s getting cumbersome. If she even cared, she would have been there for ME.

 

oublier

Maybe all I hear must be true.  Maybe it is time to forget.  Some call it hope…hoping that she may change her mind, but it’s not hope.  That feeling is supposed to make you feel good…and supposed to make you feel like there’s a light at the end of your struggle.  I don’t feel that.  At the end of my tunnel isn’t light, it’s darkness.  The light is behind me, and it’s traveling the other direction, and my feet are moving backwards.

Love is so fickle, I suppose…or is that blameshifting?  Maybe it isn’t love.  Maybe I really am the worst boyfriend in the world.  It would certainly explain why all the girls I’ve loved have walked away.  More self-loathing?  Beating myself up is easier than blaming them.  Alas, they do all choose to leave, that is THEIR decision.  I should have done more to keep them.  I shouldn’t have worked on CONVINCING them.  I should have done enough to not be concerned about them leaving.  But I obviously stop doing that somewhere along the way.

And another meltdown the other day, everything started eating me alive.  It’s always the little things.  Simply standing in a room and all those things flooding back in my mind just buckled me down.  That was my fault for walking that line between communication and silence.  My heart breaks both ways.  Not hearing from her seems more painful, seems like more separation…which the “world” says is what’s best anyway.  And hearing from her, I fall in love with her all over again with the calmness in her voice and the sincerity and friendship.  Where’s the balance?

The compromise my dwelling arrived at was to open the line of communication mutually, for small superficial conversations, but sparsely.  I’d expressed very clearly if this was one sided, that I’ll simply walk away and deal alone, but the feeling was that both of us would like that.  Let’s hope that’s true.  It felt nice, I felt strong again.

If she doesn’t care to talk to ME, then I’ll have no reason to speak to her.  The thing I lost track of…is that I’m a pretty amazing friend.  I’m a great conversationalist, and I can adjust to so many types of people and backgrounds and maintain steady, friendly interaction.  It’s why I so easily turn strangers into friends online, and strangers into friends that I meet only briefly in person.  I’m charismatic and have an wonderfully friendly personality.  To deny that is to delude yourself, and if it’s easier to ignore me so you can convince yourself that my talks and words are worthless, that’s your mistake.

Today, I forget.

 

The end

and i saw the skies burning, the horrible red flash in the sky…the rumbling of the ground as the devastation hurled closer. i sat with you, in my car, holding you in my arms, and me in yours, as we cried…and in mournful pain said “i love you…”, and you hurtfully replied “i love you…”. we closed our eyes as the world crumbled and the heavens fell…i held you tightly as the world died. the light was blinding, even through closed eyes…and then the horrible noise as the world screamed one final time before ultimate destruction…and then it all went black.

and then i realized i was still conscious, and still alive…and that i was left utterly alone. you were gone, and everyone else was gone. the whole world was darkness and i hadn’t gone with you. and in that instant, i felt how awful the world was without you in it, and without you by my side.

darkness and silence, without you…for eternity…the beautiful destruction.

 

I want to believe things were real…don’t let me fall apart…

 

I still love you, and I forgive you.

 

I just want this to end, by any means necessary. Everyday I will continue to break. This is not supposed to happen, not like this.

You should be nothing but a distant mistake, but yet you’re not.

I only want to know what words were said to you to make you hate the way you truly do.

 

The 22nd.

Another month has passed. Not one single word or reply of what happened to my mother. It’s truly clear not a shred of you ever really cared.

And me, I can’t even sleep in my bed anymore for all the remembrance of times with you. Every night still dreaming, and waking up believing you were next to me.

You’re empty. I’m the one with a heart.

I see that now.

 

“…my heart kept breaking, I threw it against the wall…can anyone hear me at all?”

 

I don’t want to do this anymore.

 

I’m still broken, and I don’t understand why. I keep feeling like nothing is ever going to be the same for me. I’m so sick of going through this time and time again, and there truly are days I don’t even want to be here. I hate feeling especially like I’m the only one to even suffer, while the others walk away smiling.

One day I want to know what the fuck is wrong with you, and the next you make me wonder what the fuck is wrong with me.

I never deserved this abandonment, and I never deserved a quitter.

 

Fuck. Fuck.

I wouldn’t know how to handle it. Today is the day I truly realize you’re never a part of my life, never, on the one day I could have used you the most.

 

Why do I still miss you…every day I still catch myself thinking of you smiling at me…I miss sharing all those meaningless irrelevant texts to pass the hours… 🙁

 

I don’t want to fucking cry about you anymore, Shortcake 🙁

 

You’re an arrogant assjole, Daniel.

 

And again, in one fucking dream, everything is perfect. “I need you to help me, Daniel. Show me this is real.”

“How will you look at me 3 weeks from now? Will you still hold me and show me you love me?”

“Every day” I promised, “every day.”

Fuck.

 

All you must want is my suffering. No one is naive enough to not see how badly I’m going to crumble. At every step I’ve thought I was wrong about you, and every step you’ve proven worse than I’d imagined.

History repeats itself, and this time will be no different. I just don’t get why you think I deserve for you to keep tearing me this way. I never did anything to you to warrant being treated like this.

 

Take thy beak from out my heart, and thy form from off my door.

 

Such a waste of time, such a pitiful mistake. Why did I ever have faith in you? Why did I ever believe you were worthy? I’ve only been caused pain, and all fingers have been turned on me.

“you were never good enough for her, Daniel.”

Once I thought you were an angel, but it seems you’re simply human like all the rest. I will gladly name this as a regret. I will gladly say it was a mistake I never should have made.

If the words of others could so easily trip this up, why should I have cared in the first place?

 

And now after so many long years…I have one regret. One huge regret.

 

Surgery last Friday went through with no complications. I’ve been sleeping a lot, not a whole lot of pain. Each day is a little better or a little worse, only time will tell. I still have weeks of healing and improvement to look forward to. Thanks everyone for the support!

 

I’m the one that did all the damage, I’m the one that caused all the hurting.

If that is what needs to be believed to so quickly find reprieve in so many other beds.

“you’ll never cover up what you did with a dress…”

 

Three weeks.

Perhaps I should remember the level of commitment. In less than 3 weeks I was a blank wall and distant memory. All my pictures had been taken down, and all evidence we were ever together became a joke to all her friends. I wasn’t good enough? I guess by not cheating and not abusing her I wasn’t. I guess by not driving a giant truck or having junior high garage parties I’m not good enough. And I suppose by not choosing to talk to her simply to fuck her and pretend I care, that’s likely a big reason why I’m not good enough. Even by not doing drugs period, especially with a child in the house, must make me a terrible person and not good enough.

She walked away in less than three weeks after an argument. She had removed my pictures from her walls less than three weeks after an argument. She suddenly retracted all desire to have my children and be with me forever less than three weeks after an argument.

And I should truly believe this girl wanted to marry me?

 

one hundred more…

one hundred days,

one hundred fights.

one hundred fears,

one hundred nights.

one hundred problems,

one hundred kisses.

one hundred solutions,

one hundred misses.

one hundred words,

one hundred defeats.

one hundred arguments,

one hundred retreats.

one hundred tears,

one hundred pains.

one hundred smiles,

one hundred refrains.

one hundred disasters,

one hundred wins.

one hundred confusions,

one hundred sins.

one hundred loves,

one hundred hates.

one hundred wants,

one hundred too-lates.

one hundred stares,

one hundred advances.

one hundred hugs,

one hundred glances.

one hundred more,

one hundred forevers,

one hundred forgottens,

one hundred nevers.

one hundred truths,

one hundred lies.

one hundred hellos,

one hundred goodbyes.

one hundred regrets,

one hundred breaths.

one hundred apologies,

one hundred deaths.

-DS

 

 

“…i see hell in your eyes…taken in by surprise…touching you makes me feel alive…touching you makes me die inside…”

 

“…you see I cannot be forsaken, because I’m not the only one…”

 

Bullshit.

am i a thought?

am i a whisper?

am i even a memory?

such a long amount of time…reduced to nothing. eyes closed tightly to forget everything that mattered.

how long did she cry for me? how long did she yearn for me? how long did she notice i was gone? was it days…minutes…seconds? was it a blink of an eye to erase every instant we’d spent in love?

what should i believe…that those emotions are buried and are just repressed? sure, that’s what “they” all say…and i don’t see why i should consider that’s possible. i’ve watched this before. i’ve watched one so close just suddenly turn so cold. i’ve watched lips scream passionately “i love you” and in the next breath tell me to “fucking disappear”.

go away, daniel, just leave me the fuck alone.

tell me out of anger…or tell me out of honesty. admit that all love has turned to indifference…or admit that it’s easiest to make me hate you rather than face your emotions.

you weren’t “replaced”…

oh but i was. say it all day until you believe it, and tell me all those small things companionship brings are not simply being incorporated back into daily life with another, and not with me.

thing is, there IS no fucking replacement for me. every situation can be repeated, but it’s never going to be me, and it’s never going to be how you felt when we shared them. i’m not kidding myself any longer about that one.

friends with major relationship problems shouldn’t be the ones making suggestions or comments on how your life could be different. misery loves company. a girl’s biggest competition is always her own girlfriends. sad, really, that their lives can be so miserable and damaged that they only want someone to be on their level in order for them all to relate…to have something in common. pitiful girls in bad relationships only want someone to bitch and complain with them until they convince that girl she’s just as ruined as they are.

opinions were formed based on what they know and their interactions…

should i believe this one? should i believe that surprisingly a small handful of people despise me based on limited interaction? it’s fucking ludicrous. that’s the one that hits below the belt. when everyone i’ve crossed paths with can only express how no one on the planet hates or dislikes me…perhaps take notice that my friends are loyal and in it for the long haul. they aren’t flighty and fickle. i’m sure those opinions were never influenced by constant complaining of all those simple things i “never did” with no mention of all i DID.

my aloofness inspires insecurity. jealousy is now understood, because it’s what i must face daily now by being replaced by lesser beings with superficial traits. is that as deep as one needs to go? was that my problem? is intelligence and profundity too intense for the mild to handle without feeling dumb around me?

or perhaps i should have offered mindless words snatched from the internet, and pulled from the mouths of others. a flowery compliment written from someone better…an objective observation of beauty to boost your esteem to show you my appreciation? my own penned words of expression plucked from my own heart apparently are worthless…

let me flatter you with pretty words so i can pretend i’m deep…let me impress you with dazzling phrases so i can fuck you…

life is so much easier when you live on the surface.

the threat of remembering is the enemy making you forget.

fear of commitment is not one i have. look deeper. at each crossroad where life can continue and progress, it seems the alternate path has been taken instead of the path being traveled. who would understand or even notice though, but with the treatment in the past, it’s no wonder that would be the biggest fear one’s heart may hold. the tragic way things ended after a blissful union would be enough to make me run when the opportunity arose. no one can imagine the travesty suffered during those times. a beautiful partner turned into a raging psychopath, and later a “perfect life” hit too close to home when it could have moved further. and when those same words and desires left my lips in agreement with your feelings, heels turned and you ran. telling me “six months ago” doesn’t apply to “now” is an insult. if i’d realized this was your fear, i could have saved myself months of tears and self-inflicted pain.

i convinced myself she never cared. i convinced myself i was a worthless piece of shit. i convinced myself that i was the monster. with so many mirrors, she still doesn’t see clearly.

all twisted emotional transgressions eventually catch up to all of us when not faced. i beat myself up for 8 years now believing i was the sole cause of the loss of the other big love of my life, only to finally hear it was her mistake. she was young and immature. things are seen differently with age and experience, and all those “terrible” things i was accused of…were her own insecurities. and now the greatest love of my life has walked away giving the same excuses…and should i truly believe this was my doing? should i believe i’m mechanical and dangerous? should i fall on the blade of regret, blaming only my selfishness for the destruction of the most beautiful thing my heart held dear?

NO.

age…indecisiveness…fear…and negativity — those were my adversaries. i’m an amazing friend, a deathly loyal partner, and an exquisite lover. believing otherwise simply makes you blind, or possibly ignorant.

i don’t want to hear what logic tells you. i don’t care to listen to what society suggests you do. i don’t want to hear what is thought to be “best” because it’s easier.

i want the words the heart sings. i want the notions the emotions speak. i want the expressions the soul shares. no great love comes without effort and consequence.

i will follow my heart, and i will believe in love and hope. if that makes me wrong, then i shall maintain my constant folly.

believe your heart when gazing in my eyes, or believe you now only see darkness. stand near me and tell me i no longer exist.

 

The worst thing about being lied to is simply knowing you weren’t worth the truth. -Unknown

 

The sweetest birthday wish this year

I wish you a beautifully happy birthday my love. You truly do not realize how special a person you are and how uniquely wonderful you are. To not only be honored to have simply conversed with a person of your wonderment, but to have the honor to call you my friend is a gift i should thank the stars for nightly. I love you dearest daniel, and hope to have many more years where i can express my love and sheer luckiness for having you and tell you how happy i am you were born on this day.

 

Happy birthday to me. Sigh. Such an empty one this year.

 

Never loved, never cared Never wanted, never repaired

Never believed, never trusted Never desired, never lusted

Never tried, never could Never fought, never would

Never fixed, never stayed Never talked, never prayed

Never meant, never last Never truth, never asked

Never us, never do Always me, never you.

 

Cover my love with your oil stained tears, pile me in the corner where your dreams used to be, ignite me with the last spark of my heart, watch the wasted years burn within the single instant you closed your eyes, cover your soul with my ruined ashes to remind you that I was only a mistake.