I’m not good with words. I say things that I don’t mean when I get angry. I don’t know how to stop. I’m sorry for last night. I’m sorry for getting upset with you. I know that it was wrong of me and I should have been more understanding. Unfortunately I can’t take back everything I said. But honestly I guess there was truth to a few things I said. Like wondering why you are still with and why you’re not committed to me. I don’t understand and it’s frustrating that you wont give any type of answer. Even when things are good between us, I don’t feel like we are moving forward. It seems like you’re holding yourself back and that frustrated me. I know that our relationship could be great if we both gave it everything we have but I know that we don’t. Why is that? Why are we unable to be happy. I know that I’m needy and selfish at times. I also know that I get upset too easily. But have you ever considered that maybe it’s me showing you that I care. I’m not saying that’s why I do it but I am saying that if I didn’t care then I wouldn’t get upset at all. I don’t know how to fix the problems between us. I only know that I need you to be understanding. I had very high hopes for this weekend. I honestly hoped that our night would be like the ones at frightmare last year. Hours in a bubble bath and even longer in bed. That is part of the reason you staying out so late upset me. I also wanted us to get to see the arc together but then it seems seeing everyone else became more important. It seems like we have talk after talk about how things have to change between us but nothing ever does. Why? I feel like I’m trying but it’s hard to keep my emotions under control at all times. I know I’ve been moody lately and I’m sorry for that. I’ve had a lot going on the last month and I don’t handle stress very well. There is something that I haven’t told you and my reason for that has to do with not being sure what it is that you want from me. I don’t know if you ever want to get married or have kids or anything. We’ve not ever talked about that. …….. I started to cry when I left ……… bc I realized that I do want to marry you and have a family with you. But is that something you want? I may be jumping the gun asking you that since you’ve never mentioned it on your own but I need to know what it is that you want from me. ……….. I’m sad but I also think did it happen for a reason? Maybe it is best but either way it breaks my heart. I’m sorry for not telling you but I thought I need to come to terms with the idea …….. before I told you. I don’t know how any of this makes you feel. I’m sorry for telling you while we are fighting as well. I’m just not very good with talking about things. My emotions control me. Again I’m sorry for last night. I’m admitting fault. I’m asking that you forgive me.

“i hate you, you’re an asshole.”

the words ring over and over, loudly in my mind. you mean it. it always seemed like a joke, but it’s the one phrase that has been muttered more than others.

and maybe i am.

and as always…i’m the one that’s wrong, i’m the one that’s damaging, i’m the one at fault.

and that’s fucked up.

i’m not the only one to blame here. i’m not the one that’s in your way. i’m not the one that has made your life decisions and restrained your freedom. treating me like shit isn’t going to rearrange your life.

every word is a fight, every action is false, and every feeling i have is WRONG. that’s bullshit.

verbally hurting your feelings is my mistake, but i don’t deserve to be treated this way. no one deserves this treatment. and sadly, you’ll never step outside your perfect world and look from my perspective. you’re so fucking convinced that i’m the devil that you won’t see otherwise no matter what i do.

everyone is not out to get you or hurt you. i’m especially not out to hurt you.

your ability to simply erase two years and pretend we aren’t as close as we were…is astonishing. i don’t get it. i don’t understand it. i don’t think i can. i’ve watched so many others do it too…perhaps it’s a unique female ability to flip a switch and turn it off. well…i don’t have that switch, and i don’t see how it’s fair to expect me to so drastically change my behavior from being utterly in love with you to becoming second best to every other boy you’re meeting and friend you’ve had for much less than the tenure of our friendship and relationship. i certainly don’t know what you’re trying to prove by forcing me into that position either.

oh but wait…there’s the perspective of what i’ve done. the perspective that i always put MY friends and life before my relationship. how often did i cut a date short to blow you off for any of my friends (especially under the guise of being the concerned friend, which later is revealed to be a multi-person gathering)? since when did i spend every minute on my phone texting others when i’m with you? how can i continue believing your words and how you want to work on things when your actions clearly speak the opposite?

this behavior is not speaking well of you. i’m being treated like a worthless piece of shit, and like i’m wholly unimportant in your world. i’m now your backburner friend and second-choice companion. that’s fucked up. monster i may be, but i’d never have done those things to you.

i’ve been unappreciative and taken things for granted. i’ll admit that. i’ve been in a bad place for a while, and i was just letting myself sink further. and now, like all the others, you’re just turning your back on me.

“so it’s my place to have to fix you?”

that’s probably one of the rudest and most hurtful things i’ve heard you say. how selfish are you? when did you lose your grace and humanity and decide that you’re above being there for ME? even being there as my “friend” which you are so quick to repeat as what we are? our entire relationship i was supposed to be there for you and be your shoulder through the darkness, and now…i’m left to deal with my struggles alone?

the only time i see any semblance of who you were is when you’ve recently been half asleep in my arms. it’s the only time you’ve let your shield down again and believed me. as soon as you walk out of the door, it’s perfectly acceptable to ignore my texts and calls on the grounds that you’re “busy” and then i’m called out on it if i miss one text or call from you that i’m being shitty and ignoring you. quid pro quo.

i never questioned my feelings of being with you, and i don’t question them now, but you can’t honestly tell me that treating me this way is remotely acceptable.

it has been a very long time since i’ve found anyone i’d see myself marrying, 8 long years now, and ironically the pain i’m going through currently is the exact reason i kept myself so closed off and safe.

you say now you can’t trust me with YOUR feelings…how should i feel about trust you with MY feelings? maybe it is justified with treating me this way and showing me exactly what i’ve done to you. maybe you just want me to suffer in the ways you’ve suffered.

you don’t want to believe me, and you don’t want to believe in us. you don’t want to see the potential we still have because it’s safer to pretend it never existed. it’s safer to pretend that i’m the source of all your misery and confusion that’s existed in your world.

yet the first week of our “time away” you were telling me that without me, your mind only had time to focus and stress over all the other things in life and it wasn’t any easier or better. so quickly that changed too. so quickly you took the easy way out and just reconfigured “time away” into “i dumped you, how do you not see that?” i can’t help but feel some significant event set that into motion because the perspective and attitude about what was going on certainly seemed to change overnight.

i know what i want. i know my feelings. i know where my heart stands. when everything i do and say is being refuted, what am i left to do or believe?

..something is fundamentally wrong.

—-
The ARCHITECT
..this feeling is just proof of your sanity. when you really feel you are found then you can start worrying.
Reply1 year ago

wow. so fuck this snow, first off.

i was driving home from Owasso last night, and was doing ok until i got to the exchange from 169 to 244, and got stuck on the ramp. seems i got off the tracks and into the snow drift, couldn’t move. i used my keen survival skills…hah…and since i was on an incline, was able to roll backwards, then tried forward, etc, for over an hour, unable to get traction to get myself OUT of the rut i’d now created and back over to the path being driven by others.

mind you, many cars had driven by, just as i had driven by others on the side of the road.

so finally, after probably an hour like i said, a couple in a huge truck pulled up and rolled down their window to check on us, he offered to get out and push but that we wouldn’t get much traction on foot, so i asked him if he would be willing to try pushing me out with his truck, regardless of if it hurts my car, and he agreed. so again, we probably spent 30 minutes doing this, and him even getting out in the snow clearing out a path for my tires and such, and ultimately was able to push forward on the ramp and onto the highway. i didn’t have time to properly thank him except with a wave, but i’m glad people like him (and his wife/gf) are still around in the world.

then wouldn’t you know it, i nearly got stuck at the intersection a mile from my place, but was able to wiggle out of that…and then…100 feet from my place in my neighborhood. there’s a low spot there, and as soon as i got to it i sank. literally, the snow was up to the bottom of my door, and a man happened to be walking his dog and stopped and helped, and then a teenager, and finally another of my neighbors. i didn’t know any of them, and thankfully they also brought shovels and helped dig my car out and finally to push (by hand) me out of the rut, down the road and into my driveway.

unbelievable that such fine, helpful people are still out there, but they are. thank you to all of you that helped me get home last night.

Merry Christmas!

—–
Rebecca Kerr
yeah, scottie was coming over to celebrate daedae-mas, and randomly helped some neighbor of mine out of the neighborhood….in a nice mercedes, and with him without a coat or gloves…sometimes people don’t totally suck!
Reply1 year ago

What if we could
Put our lives on
Hold and meet some
Where inside of the world
I would meet you
Would you meet me?

2, 3, 4…

On a park bench
On a skyscrape
On a mountain
Oh yeah, whatever it takes
I would meet you
Would you meet me?

I’m glad to say that we’ve met
But I’m sad to say that the circumstances weren’t
On our side

So go on
Go on be your own
Go on be your own star

What if we could?
Where would we go?
If it felt right
Would you want me to know
I would meet you
Would you meet me

It’s like a last chance
For a first dance
You’re a sunrise
Can’t somehow exist
I would meet you
Would you meet me

I’m glad to say that we’ve met
But I’m sad to say that the circumstances weren’t
On our side

So go on
Go on be your own
Go on be your own star

A superstar in my eyes
In my eyes

Look in my eyes
Just look in my eyes
My eyes
My eyes!!!

What if we could
Put our lives on
Hold and meet some
Where inside of the world
I would meet you
Would you meet me?

On a park bench
On a skyscrape
On a mountain
Oh yeah, whatever it takes
I would meet you
Would you meet me?

God I would
God I would
I would meet you
Would you meet me

I would meet you
I would meet you
I would meet you

——–
~*~Kellie~*~
Lets run away together!
Reply2 years ago

Xx*FemCore*xX
Dare i even ask?
Reply2 years ago

Random
Domestic troubles? 🙁

Reply2 years ago

ive spent too much time and money on this new ecig craze, but i think it will be worth it. questions? youtube search for ecig reviews, theyre pretty awesome…and without the side effects of tobacco cigs.i am waiting for mine to be shipped, but i got two.one from www.intellicig.com that has excellent ratings, and one from www.puresmoker.com that has good reviews as well.also check out www.e-cigarette-forum.com for loads of info and advice!i sound like a sales pitch…but just wait…you’ll see me at empire with this thing and be so jealous! 😉
-Sent from my Helio.

———-
Rebecca Daniel
That is so cool! Gonna get the starter kit! Let me know how you do with it!! 🙂
Reply2 years ago

for everyone who wants to have a problem with me…just don’t forget that it works both ways…my tongue is MUCH sharper than any of yours, and my patience and restraint only goes so far. keep pushing.
Anybody Killa — “Hated Me”
If you ever started hating me, how would you act?
Like you never fucking knew me and you ain’t got my back
If you ever started hating me, what would you do?
Try and stab me in the back when I’m just passing through
If you ever started hating me, fuck it that’s it
Let it be known that you’re a hater and you’re just full of shit
If you ever started hating me, then cast your stones
Underground is better living then your mainstream home
If you ever started hating me, then take it to the streets
Detroit, Eastside 7 mile is where we’ll meet
If you ever started hating me, then watch your back
You’d be surprised what hood rats would do for crack
If you ever started hating me, then keep your distance
Why the fuck would you want to be up in my business?
If you ever started hating me, it’s not my fault
You just probably never liked me from the start motherfucker
(Chorus)
I say fuck you
And offer no apologies
For my mythologies
I be just how I be and I be wicked, too
So fuck your family
If they damnin me
And don’t try banning me
This hatchet fam insanity
How can it be uncandidly
If you ever started hating me, then don’t come around
Cause I don’t think you’re gonna like it if I’m beating you down
Pistol whipping motherfuckers for the shit that they say
Like my names the only reason that I act this way
If you ever started hating me, don’t hold your breath
Cause it just might be the last thing that you have left
Grabbing on to your life moving closer to death
Cause juggalos are getting fed up with the shit that you spread
If you ever started hating me, then bitch fuck you
If it’s that way motherfucker then I hate you to
Tell your family eat a dick I hope they whole crew dies
And they never fucking make it up to Shangri-La
If you ever started hating me, then rest in peace
Cause all the enemies I have are pretty much deceased
Dedicated to the dark cause their soul was never wanted
So now I pray that their afterlife is fucking haunted
(Chorus)
I say fuck you
And all for no apologies
For my mythologies
I be just how I be and I be wicked, too
So fuck your family
If they damnin me
And don’t try banning me
This hatchet fam insanity
How can it be uncandidly
I can’t help what I feel when I write so I’ma tell it
And I hope to all the haters that this shit is spreading
The only reason there’s haters is cause they feel left out
No life, no home cause juggalos shut them out
So now they hide behind computers acting hard when they soft
I swear to God I hope their fingers fall off
I can’t stand them, to tell the truth I just don’t need them around
So when I see ya I’ma teach ya how to get smacked down
If you ever started hating me, just fall off the earth
Because the soul your body carries really has no worth
Understand the situation homie hate me or not
Or is it yourself that you hate that’s why your stomach’s in knots
Always feeling left out cause you don’t fit in
So now you spread around this hate and still act like a friend
But time will only tell how much your hatred grows
That’s why we always screaming fuck a juggahoe
(Chorus)
I say fuck you
And offer no apologies
For my mythologies
I be just how I be and I be wicked, too
So fuck your family
If they damnin me
And don’t try banning me
This hatchet fam insanity
How can it be uncandidly

————-
She B
im PRETTY sure ABK was not talkin shit b/c of a girl. next time quote R.kelly or something
Reply(3)2 years ago

Daniel Self
hah! you got it!
2 years ago

She B
this goes to both you fucks;)
Katt Williams- “Haters”
2 years ago

She B
oh and… if people liked your relationship, you wouldnt be daniel, right? hold up lemme see if I can find something to make you smile…
2 years ago

The Dalai Mama
Hell, I’ll even go as far to say that I really like her. Yep, there it is. All those other bitches can burn. 😛
Reply2 years ago

scott king
I agree, I got your back…
Reply2 years ago

James New
If others don’t like your relationship, then my reaction would be, um…..

Fuck ’em.

Some people are only happy when they can make others as miserable as they, themselves are. My motto is: If you’re happy, I’m happy for you…..
Reply2 years ago

The ARCHITECT
yeah what the hell is going on and who is buggin out???
Reply(4)2 years ago

The Dalai Mama
I like her, and I NEVER say that. 🙂 We both know my opinion is the only one that counts anyway.
2 years ago

Daniel Self
quite possibly, i haven’t been out in a while. i may go see Rocky Horror that night, so maybe before or after.

and yes, always the same ol story! some people just don’t like to let things go 🙂
2 years ago

The ARCHITECT
ah it’s always the same old story huh? so you coming out to assimilation this weekend?
2 years ago

Daniel Self
well, nothing too specific right now. some ppl just arent keen on my current relationship with my girl, and i have a feeling those ppl may decide to try to impose those opinions or attempt to cause issues.

so…just in case, i thought i would offer my disclaimer in case anyone decides they want to open their lips. 🙂
2 years ago

Xx*FemCore*xX
Hmm….. Who you mad at?
Reply2 years ago

question, world.the phrase “giving head” ….would you consider this universal, applying to men or women? would you believe its common for a guy to say “giving head” in reference to going down on a girl?
-Sent from my Helio.

———
MARY MAC (x23)
i actually HAVE heard it used to mean going down on a woman, by more than one person, but it is definitely not the default if you say* head* i’d prolly think think bj
Reply2 years ago

Stacey Early
haha yay for Kellie!!!
Yeah I agree with the others..giving head..is the term used for men..and going down..is the term for girls
Reply2 years ago

~*~Kellie~*~
hmm… so it sounds like I won this round.
Reply2 years ago

Duran Durangela
Giving head… going down… its all fucking, as far as I’m concerned 🙂
Reply2 years ago

David Cummings
Eating Volcano tacos.
Reply2 years ago

She B
you have asked this before. a few years ago
Reply2 years ago

kylie
LOL. Wow. I agree with the previous answer. 🙂 “Giving head” I have really only heard when it is used in the context of a man being the receiver. You should have seen the documentary that played with our Real World video – it was full of multiple phrases for the certain act in question. lol.
Reply2 years ago

Tisha Penn
You are crazy LOL. I have NEVER had any man say that to me(which isn’t alot). I have always heard “giving head” is for a man and “going down or going down on” is for a woman. But it really doesn’t matter does it? It is the same thing. But honestly that is a good but weird funny question. Where do you get this crazy stuff? You have always crack me up D. But I am a brutally honest person so, does that answer your question?
Hope you are doing good and great.
Luv ya,
Tisha
Reply2 years ago

the new gnr is amazing.

that is all.

if you haven’t listened, go check out their myspace, or just go buy the damn album. maybe i’m biased because i’ve always loved gnr and axl, which of course it could be argued this is “axl’s album” and not gnr, but it doesn’t disappoint.

———
The Dalai Mama
Butt Rock. 😛
Reply2 years ago

thomas dunlap
will you be saying the same thing when i.cp. releases thier new “last” album in 2027?
g.n.r. was –is –the shit but man fuck after such a long wait they kinda lost me.
Reply2 years ago

MARY MAC (x23)
i’ve actually been curious about your review, knowing that you are an o.g. gnr fan

honestly, i dont have high hopes, but i’ll defintiely check it out! thanks for the heads up!

Mary
Reply2 years ago

i am the “who” when they call “who’s there”

heeheee.

happy halloween!