and another dream.

And another crazy dream.
I only remember certain sections of this dream, but it was still enough to rattle me quite a bit. I’m going to try to keep a timeline going to make sure events flow, but I honestly don’t remember everything in sequence.
The first I remember was being in a gym, and talking to a girl that seemed to be much younger than me, early 20s maybe. I remember she had braces, and she was on an elliptical machine next to me, and I was saying how I’d be lucky to make it about 2 minutes and laughing with her. Even at this time, I knew something was wrong in the dream, like, something was impending. Something big. She had a very strange name, it was pronounced Der-shy or Der-shee, something like that. Not darcy, not deshay, there was an R because I questioned it in the dream if she said “de” or “der” and that’s what I remember. Well, there was interaction with this girl for some reason and I don’t remember the relevance, but from there somehow I ended up at a place I don’t know, on a back porch of a house. J. was there, and he was older, and I was supposed to take him some place safe. He had a backpack and travel supplies. My cousin Jason was there as well. I was talking with J. and he was rather upset with me, he just kept asking why I’m not there, why I’m not around, and that it wasn’t fair. He listed a couple of people (that I won’t name) and just how he didn’t like them, and even someone new that didn’t fit the way that I did. He just kept asking why…and I just told him it was something I couldn’t talk about. I explained simply that his mother had done things that weren’t acceptable inside a relationship, and that once those things happen there’s no going back. I told him that he would be safe, and that I would always be there if he needed anything, and that right then, we HAD to go.
So off we went, apparently to my parents house, which as always…was the old trailer and not the house. It rarely seems to be current, almost always it’s as it was when I was young. Apparently whatever was happening was going to be in major places and less eventful in outskirts, so I took him there to the country where hopefully the effects wouldn’t be felt. Also, who knows why…there was a makeshift medical camp in the driveway, complete with expensive medical equipment. This was where, I believe, I met the “girl” of the dream. Always seems to be one that I’m drawn to, or one that I accompany. Well, someone flatlined, and this girl raced over to help, but I don’t know if the person made it or not, or what actually happened. I just knew that we had to leave again, and that we had to go somewhere important. She came with us, or met us, I don’t know which.
Again a bit hazy, but from there we went to a large retail store that had been converted into a staging area. They needed me for something (no, not some insecurity reason…I don’t dream about being “big” because I’m “small” in real life) as some type of intelligence or expert, but I don’t know what about. The events here were blurred, I just remember stacy, my cousin’s wife, was there, and she was some type of organization leader. They named her a title, but I can’t remember what it was now, and they went through several of these titles in a short time, so it wasn’t very diplomatic or important, I don’t know the reasoning. Anyway, the nurse girl was there, I know her name was with an L but I dunno…laura, lori, something maybe. We’ll call her “nurse.” There were military and other government type people there, and a lot of civilians that seemed to either be caught in the middle, or there on purpose.
And then it started happening. I remember the loud noises, the crashes, the ground shaking…the lights flickered a few times, and then went dead. I’d dropped to the floor when this started, as I’d walked further in the building away from everyone as well, and ended up crawling back to the main group since it was dark, and then they kicked on the generators. Whatever was happening had started…but I don’t dare guess at what it was. When I got back to the group they were shouting for us that had to go with them, and no, I wasn’t military, I was there for other reasons, but I don’t know entirely what those reasons were. People were starting to scramble, and I had to find nurse to tell her I had to leave. I ran up to her and she was tending to a patient and she turned and hugged me tightly and kissed me on the cheek…and I felt a hand on my shoulder. Someone was grabbing me, dressed in a black military jumpsuit, very nondescript. He told me I had to come with him immediately. And instinctively, I told him that I need to see his credentials and he hesitated…and stepped back from me. I don’t think this was a military invasion, because I obviously had a distinct feeling that this person wasn’t…human, or at least wasn’t who he said he was. He backed into the crowd and disappeared, but I didn’t have time to point him out as I was saying goodbye. I hugged her again, and then I hugged stacy…and then I just remember the ground shaking again and the screaming…and then I woke up.

not again :(

i can’t do this…not again, i don’t know what to do to make her stay…i don’t know that i have the power to keep it from happening.
i can’t lose the one good thing i have in my life right now…but i fear it’s inevitable.
sometimes the truest love is meant to stay out of reach…perhaps my only option is to let her go…
*EDIT*
just wanted to clean up my drunken ramblings…someone very dear to me is going to move far away, and i don’t believe there’s anything i can do to stop it from happening. she keeps me sane right now and i don’t want her to go…but i guess it isn’t fair to be selfish if it’s what she really needs to do. sigh…i hate this…i hated it when it almost happened last year. this is not going to be easy…

————

scott king
Duct tape works well.
Reply4 years ago

Mel D W.
i feel for you buddy. 🙁
Reply4 years ago

Karissa Mitchell Mcmill…
Whatever is meant to be…………will be. I hope it turns out the way you want it to.
Reply4 years ago

8-27 dream

I don’t remember being out there or why, but I was in a large field or courtyard that was part of an apartment complex. I didn’t recognize the area at all, I just seem to remember the apartments being a dull or dark grey, and they had large balconies. The part of significance was, I was at an apartment that I knew, I was sitting on the steps leading up to the door. I think there was a small box, like a jewelry box or something, that had papers and things in it, and it was like I was looking for something. I vaguely remember seeing names on them, possibly dates, and I think the relation was something with the time frame they were written? mostly that it was physical evidence that i was/had been lied to. I don’t know. It’s odd because…to be so lucid in a dream, I shouldn’t be able to read. Most of the time I can’t make out letters or symbols when I’m so conscious in a dream state. So…that alone confuses me as to what type of experience it really was. Well, there were security guards in the complex, and I guess one saw me sitting on the steps looking at these papers, and started chasing me, so I took off. And literally I mean…took off. I started with the whole groggy sleep run, and then I was aware of what I was doing, and started moving faster and faster. Yes, i do mean like Roadrunner cartoons fast. So I sped away, got far enough where they stopped chasing and resituated.
I went back to the apartment, and I don’t know how, but I got inside and I didn’t have a key. That was relevant later. I didn’t break anything, I think I just…slid through the wall, who knows (which is why i’m still confused as to it being a dream or otherwise). Anyway, I don’t even know why I was there, it was all pretty hazy, I just remember thinking someone was going to come home and I didn’t need to be there. It was at this point that I was thinking that it was Callow that lived there with her boyfriend, but I can’t remember why I thought it. maybe just the impression I got. So, I thought I heard noises, and I remember going out on the patio of this 2nd story apartment, and there was a small little corner that curved around the side where you couldn’t see me from the door. Well, this girl walked out and it wasn’t Callow, and I can only believe that it was Shehag. I remember the face and the smile, but the rest wasn’t like her. she was soooo pissed that I was there, and just freaked out about it, like “why” which of course makes sense, cuz I don’t know why I was there in the dream either. She was threatening to call the cops, and her neighbor came over, this little tiny 4 foot something blonde girl, and she was talking about how I shouldn’t be there, etc. I was so convinced at the time that I was awake and this was happening, and then at this moment it hit me that I’d slipped back again into the dream. I looked at the little short girl and said “are you awake?” she stopped and looked at me so puzzled, like she didn’t understand, and then shook her head all confused, and said “no, no I’m not awake.” So I looked at Shehag and said the same thing. I said “you’re dreaming, this isn’t real, none of us are awake.” And then she hugged me, looked me in the eye…and then good ole security came back to chase me. So I jumped off the balcony…and flew away.

when i close my eyes

all i see is her.
every night, every dream, for nearly 2 months now. jezus. this has happened before.
if only you could see what i see.

isn’t it lovely when someone says EXACTLY what you need to hear? i guess it goes both ways…for good and bad. maybe i’ve been lucky enough to have both within the last 7 days. for one…the words that prove you’re a fucking disturbance…and the other…to prove you’re a fucking enlightenment.
but really…flowing beneath the entire issue…i just want to break down. i haven’t yet, but i’ve felt it biting at my soul for so long now. i just need to give in, but i haven’t found that missing piece. you bring me to the edge, right to the point of collapse…but it simply isn’t there.
i just need to go get something pierced…needle in…stress out.
or maybe flogging.
AND NO JUMPING at that offer 😉 you know who you few are!

almost done with old blogs…

September 3, 2006 – Sunday

nothing left..
there’s really nothing left for me. i do this every fucking time and i still haven’t decided who i hate more…myself for doing it consistently, or the people who cause me to do it. these things never end, evidently it’s my pattern. borrowing from Reznor…i DO see the future because i DO repeat the same routine. it’s amazing how i can go back and look at old posts of mine and find the exact same related situations…where so often i find myself playing second fiddle…and every time, i slap myself for doing it. i’m better than you. i’m better than that. i’m better than this. i’m too good to see past my own realization that people are talking monkeys who hardly deserve my time.
april 19, 2003–
i ponder loneliness during the days, and then i realize how alive i am when i’m alone, and think that it’s probably the best for me to be solitary. where’s my bitches? i should do without them. women love to have a person in the exact spot that they want them, and they have the manipulative power to do it. so many of us fall victim to getting involved in situations that are utter bullshit only to realize it down the road…i hate playing second fiddle to ANYthing. of course i’m a selfish prick, so that isn’t such a big deal coming from me. but i’m NOT second best to anything. i found something in my stuff today, the old high school journal of all the seniors. one of the girls had left something in her bio under “most memorable moment” as “meeting Daniel Self.” of course, that would be me. i hadn’t felt that type of confidence recently, it really sparked something and made me feel good about myself again.

how fitting. over 3 years ago i found myself playing second fiddle…and realized i’m fucking stupid for doing it. and as history repeats itself…i do it again and again. can i stop? WILL i stop?
i am your stepping stone to better things in life, i am your building block for realizing your capabilities. i’ll be the one to raise your ego to godly status, only to have you trample mine in the process. i’ll hold your hand and walk you toward believing in yourself…only for you to let go of me when we arrive. i’ll protect you from the darkness in the world, only to wake up and find you gone. i’ll cry on my knees to you, wishing you the best…and you’ll never even look back.
there was a time when i didn’t worry, when i didn’t allow others inside, and it was a safer time. now my life is a series of moments…of connections…simple glimpses of happiness that i only touch briefly. they slip away so soon…so quickly…and then i’m left searching for the next one. i’m afraid, i’m intimidated, i’m weaker than you’ll ever know, and i hide it behind my arrogance and cynicism. i’ll destroy the world you know, and show you a new one without pain and sadness, and you’ll find yourself alone in the new place i’ve given you, and i’ll still be hiding in the world you used to know.
i’ve touched grace…i’ve touched pure beauty…i’ve touched pure love. i should be thankful for that…thankful for the ones that have shared it with me…and respectful to the ones who still appreciate what i am. i’m ready to start shining again, brighter than you’ve ever known, and if you aren’t ready to see it, be prepared to simply look away. my wings are tired of being folded and half-torn from my back in a vain attempt to pretend to be like you…it’s time i go back to what i know best.

and another old blog…

one of the first direct blogs mentioning my feelings for someone…the one holding my heart above all others.
August 10, 2006 – Thursday
..> ..>

you’re never the only one.
its not what you think.
there was a person from my past that meant a lot to me, which is hard for me to say considering the circumstances, but she did. it was little time spent, but the time was great for what it was. and in that time, there were things i had said that were true…real…meaningful…whatever. some of the things i said were dramatic, some of it possibly “too good to be true” type statements. maybe they were. point is, they were all true. i never said an untrue thing to this person, and at the end of the sojourn we had together, i was told that it was all a lie. i was accused of saying what she wanted to hear. i was condemned for not “posting it online” which therefore made it untrue. i write everything online, i have for several years now. every thought, every emotion, every little thing that is meaningful to me….i post about it. this one instance though, i didn’t. regretful? no. i know that what i said was true, but i’ll never convince her otherwise. and…no, right now i don’t care. doesn’t matter. but…i’m not letting it happen again…my thoughts are going to be posted, although some may be masked or generalized. i told this person….”i remember the first time i saw you.” i’m at least not making the mistake again of letting a thought hide in my head and be told that i made it up.
the things i say are not meant to queer friendships, they aren’t professions of love and adoration, and they are by no means holding direct intention of alluring someone or changing their minds.
you’re allowed to see a glimpse of my soul. it’s fragile…but no more than anyone elses. probably less than anyone elses. i keep my heart fractured, i never let it heal. don’t think that any of you are going to damage me or break me down, and don’t any of you start acting weird or different just because i express some fancy or interest in you beyond friendship. those things are fleeting. i’ll change my mind tomorrow and find some passing lust in another face.
several of my closest friends have been girls i’ve found to shine, it doesn’t change a thing about my attitude and friendship toward them. there are more than one of you right now, and one that is holding my heart above all others. sadly, she’s one that doens’t even read my words and doesn’t know about the few subtle and hidden things i’ve said about her. i know that my feelings aren’t unappreciated. i know my words don’t fall on empty souls and deaf ears. everything i say impacts everyone in some small fashion, and that’s all that matters to me. i’m not holding back and i’m not pulling away from anything anymore. it’s pointless and wasteful. i’m not going to keep any secrets about anyone if a beautiful thought of them crosses my mind. does it mean i’ll act on it? no. does it mean i’m looking for a reaction to my words? no. just be who you are, and i’ll be who i am.
i’d never ask anyone to change because of me or because of words i’ve said.

———-

Random
I love to read, but I’m already in the middle of a book. 🙂
Reply4 years ago

2nd old blog

hah…yeah…feel THIS one. how…ironic.

August 13, 2006 – Sunday
..> ..>

the world is beautiful when i close my eyes
i dreamt of a girl…we were lying in a bed just…moving, turning, looking for that perfect spot to fit comfortably in each others arms. to steal from Brody and Mallrats, it was like living out the metaphor for the whole relationship, though not just with spooning, but trying to snap together like puzzle pieces in a way that felt so right. we would kiss, we would stop and look in each other’s eyes and smile…we would kiss again, then move again, seeking that perfect link. it went on for hours…our legs intertwining, my arms cradling her as she lay with her face against my chest, or we would switch places and she would cradle me, but each change was as beautiful as the last. i felt so free, so loved, so pure…times like that terrify me because i hate wondering if it will ever be that way with someone, or if it will simply feel pressured and influenced instead of natural. i loved her lips, i loved her smile, i loved the innocent way she looked at me. it could have lasted mere minutes but i felt trapped in eternity…my heart pumping in synch with hers. sometimes the moments in dreams are much more beautiful than waking life, and those are the times i never want to wake up. my dreams are always so vivid and horrible every other time…visions of things that no one should be forced to see…and i stay nervous about ever closing my eyes because i don’t want to face it every night…and then i have these. i have the dreams of absolute perfection that are in arms reach but still a million miles away. you are a star burning brightly in my clouded sleep…and i will burn my hands every night trying to catch you.

old blog.

just reposting…in a vain attempt to find understanding. of course…my words ALWAYS come full circle and ring true.
dec 9th 2005
finite perpetuality…..
Current mood: discontent
it’s…seemingly true. things generally ARE what they seem, and some things can’t be hidden by flowery fragrance and pretty paper…
i’m still complicated…i’m still difficult…and i still chase the ones that are only running from themselves. i’ve disappointed a few lately…and i’m sorry…sometimes feelings just aren’t there i suppose. and of course…i can’t simply explain that i’m not really the exterior that you see….so many bad things in my head, so many bad things i want to say to people…if only to get a reaction. maybe those few are right in saying i’m bitter and cynical…i dunno. some of the things that have been said just seem so inhuman, and hell…maybe it’s fitting. i’d decided so long ago that i really didn’t want to be one of you, and i’m still trying so desperately to not be…but i’m always slipping. i keep feeling love and desperation…i keep feeling i want to show those beautiful few that “we” really do exist…but those things always lead to rejection. sometimes its better not to reveal how i feel. so many of you will never know how much i like you, how much i want to be close to you, to feel your hands, your lips, your hair…your eyes gazing into mine. it’s so dangerous to use those words, because they can so easily be thrown back in my face.
where is it coming from…i feel a sadness growing in my throat, that lump, like i want to cry, but i don’t know why and i don’t know who the tears are fo. hell i don’t even know if it’s sadness…maybe i just want someone to hold me and tell ME for once that everything will be ok. i give so much and i don’t want anything in return, it’s the path i’ve chosen…and i dare not expect any reciprocation for my actions. i’ll tell you a hundred times that you’re beautiful and that you deserve so much more, that he was never worth it, that the right person is out there……and then they all tell me the same thing….maybe it’s the disillusionment that hurts me. maybe i want someone to tell me “daniel, there’s no one out there for you.” ah, and now i just sound self-loathing…no, not now. that’s not what i want.
some of them understand, some know how i feel and can relate to the yearnings i have because they are the same way.
even the simplest conversation i had today…that the only thing i’d ask is that you don’t cheat and you don’t lie…is it really that hard? that’s all people ever do. it’s so much easier to be involved, to be committed, so why make the choice to keep making everything difficult? why keep looking for temporal happiness in other people when we have one to love that’s sitting at home waiting by the phone….instead of looking elsewhere, why not just go home? just call the one you’re lying to…quit being fucking assholes…will you ever grasp how badly you’ve damaged those people?
something is so lacking…i just want to get lost in a moment, i want the world to stop spinning as i’m in the arms of someone, i want everything to disappear as i fade into another’s heart…i want to kiss someone in the middle of a giant crowd and be oblivious to everyone staring….only to know that i’m the only thing that matters…no judgement and no concern about the outside world….if only for the briefest second…
so many of you will never know how much i truly want to hold you in my arms and how much i’ve fallen for everything that you are……

————
Christina Replogle
People are mean… it’s not intentional. But there is someone for everyone. It just takes some people a lot longer to find eachother.
Reply4 years ago

your mask

you wear your mask to pretend that you’re happy…to pretend that you’re changed…to pretend that things are so much better…

i’m the only one that knows it isn’t true.

———

The Dalai Mama
What’s wrong with my mask? It was Mardi Gras, and EVERYONE was wearing them. 🙁
Reply4 years ago

taco (adora)bell

…she placed a hot sauce packet on my leg after shuffling through a couple of them…and it said “the feeling is mutual.”
how FUCKING cute is that…
and followed it by saying “well there wasn’t one that said ‘will you marry me!'”
“i don’t just love your face…i LOVE you!”

———

Mel D W.
mmmm. taco bell hot sauce 🙂
Reply4 years ago

thomas dunlap
come on everyone….

1….2….3….

fag.
Reply4 years ago

Karissa Mitchell Mcmill…
I wish they made naughty taco bell packets that said things like….”Nice shoes, wanna fuck?”.
Reply4 years ago

Christina Replogle
taco sauce love.. now I’ve heard everything
Reply4 years ago