100% of everyone in your life WILL let you down.
it’s just a matter of when.

———

The Dalai Mama
A wise man just told me that “Expectations are just premeditated resentments”.
Reply4 years ago

The Dalai Mama
Believe it or not, I really try not to let you down. I may give you a hard time, but I love you and I never want you to be disappointed by me.
Reply4 years ago

Christina Replogle
Now that you know that it won’t be so shocking when they do…
Reply4 years ago

Duran Durangela
fortune cookie?
Reply4 years ago

the things i do when i drink…well, this time, i’ve went back and found snippets of conversations from years past…and decided to share any knowledge that they possess. most likely a silly idea i’m sure, but i’m full of silly ideas. without further adieu, from 2003 to as recent as early 2006…
—–
such a beautiful talent shouldn’t go to waste……
you’re not a monster…
I don’t think anyone can fill the voids of past loved ones, and I’m sure you shouldn’t try, just make new spaces for the new ones.
Maybe you just needed someone to lean on like everyone is now doing to you for emotional support you know. It makes me sad because I feel like I care for you and if I could really be there for you, you might be in a better place right now you know. I feel like it’s my fault and still is. I’m always crossing my fingers someone decent will come along to be there for you. I get annoyed time after time hearing about these obvious bitches I just wanna slap in their oblivious little faces to quit wasting your time.
They tell you when they have something bad to say in comparison about their loveys right? What I think is this.. they think you are better for that moment. When they can vent about why they are pissed at their loveys to someone who they are not pissed at, then you are obviously better for the moment. Do you still think in their eyes you are better when you run into them with their lovey at best buy? No, they are happy with the one they love and hope that they will someday be able to talk to them about why they are mad, instead of you.
Maybe your not really getting stood up for you, maybe the girls are self conscious, and scared to take that next step. You know it’s always easier to avoid a situation and hide than to confront. Most people aren’t as bold as you. So point, it’s not you, it’s them.
I asked for the opposite of you, I got what I asked for..another me. I keep telling myself he will grow up soon, and change, but you know who’s kidding themselves. I find it hard enough to break up a relationship without ties. I’ve decided this must be how it is for me. If there is a soulmate out there for me, someone must have stolen him, as I am engaged to someone elses. Isn’t that a scary thought. Just as I am holding onto someone elses sm, in a desperate hope he will change into mine, my real soul mate might be out there unhappily married to another. Scary thought?
Why are you asking me if you’re arrogant, wasn’t it you that always said it? I can tell you this. You like it when people talk about you. You act like you don’t like the attention to an extent, but you seem to thrive on it in reality. You like to have someone else there if some random person remembers you just to say “see that always happens, people just remember me” like hey look at me i stand out. All along that’s what you want isn’t it? to stand out-be noticed? Is it just not really in the way you wanted all along? I think if one morning you woke up and no one noticed you anymore or remembered walking by you in the mall or something you would just wither away. It’s like your life source.
——

insight? possibly. drunk? nearly. let’s see where else this night takes me…

——————–

Jayme
Which is better? insightful or drunk? And how is that I always feel we are insightful while drunk? Then I can’t remember a damn thing the next day. Sounds like some pretty good convos from years past.
Reply4 years ago

Christina Replogle
I had always thought about the Soul mate thing too… but now I did find him… Even if he pisses me off to no end!!!! lol I guess that is what I needed.
Reply4 years ago

Walela
Wow, a lot of that sounds like stuff I would or have said to you! I liked it, it shows insight into how people perceive you but don’t reflect on it too much.
Reply4 years ago

You’re dangerous.  Your dark eyes…your fluttering eyelashes…you have always seen deeper than the others.  You’re in my head…you’ve never left.  Not a day has gone by since we’ve met that I haven’t thought of you at least in passing, and so often I stop and dwell in moments we’ve shared.  I remember our first meeting at Quiznoson 15^th Street when you bought me lunch…and how you said how we picked such a great place because if we could eat messy food in front of each other, we’d definitely go far.  All the lunches we had at Fridays, all the times you’d meet me at the mall…how often I was always late and you always waited for me… I never realized so many simple things would eventually mean so much.

So quickly we became good friends…we learned so much about each other, all our secrets…all our desires…you became the new constant I’d always wanted and I never realized it.  You know me better than anyone, better even than the one I lost so long ago.  And therein is MY wish…MY dream…to know that it was possible for someone to get that close again, for someone to accept all that I am, for someone to stick by my side KNOWING everything about me…even my ugly side.  No one knows me as well as you, and I’m not afraid.  I’m not scared of you.  I’m not worried that you could destroy me with all you know.  I’m not concerned that you will break me and disappear as the others have done.  You stand by me because you choose to, not because of obligation.  You are my ultimate blessing and I know you will never betray me.

It’s been so hard for me to trust anyone since “her” and without even realizing it, I’ve trusted you all along.  You’ve never shown me contempt and you’ve never given me reason to question your intentions.  Do you know how hard it is for me to admit that I TRUST you completely?  Regardless of vulnerability, I’ve never felt I could say that about anyone.  I question all those that touch my heart, but with you, it was automatic that you were pure.  Always with a smile, always with a laugh, and always with a friendly heart you would hug me and talk with me…and never has there been a shred of deceit or malicious intent.  I can’t say that about the others.  You are, and always will be, held in grace above all others.

And for once…I feel that I understand someone, that I get someone, that I can follow them without fear or confusion.  We’ve gotten much closer over the past couple of months, and I’ve watched you through some of the highest and lowest times we’ve been near each other…and as arrogant as it is to say, I feel I’m figuring it out.  There are times I feel there is distance, and there are times I feel that there is a desire for me to not be around…but I don’t think that’s what is going on.  You want me there, you know I’m there…you don’t even have to say it.  The times I think you may be acting short or curt with me…it’s because you’re stressed…and you already know I’m by your side waiting.  I don’t have to tell you, and I’ve realized I don’t need to repeat myself.  You don’t want me to TELL you I’m there, you want me to see that you KNOW it.  You want me to be strong enough to see that I’m by your side and that’s all that matters to you…I don’t have to speak, I don’t have to make you smile, I don’t have to entertain you.  You don’t want me to make you feel better.  You don’t want me to offer my solace time and time again, you want me to be secure enough to know that you aren’t always going to be smiling and fun…you want me to know that there’s a part of you that wants to be quiet…distant…and detached.  You want me to be there unconditionally, whether or not we are having fun…you just want the comfort of knowing I’m sitting in the same room with you, or the comfort to know I’m on the other side of the phone whenever you need my words or my voice.  I’m realizing this…and that in itself is so confusing…I don’t think I’ve ever felt that way before.  I’ve never had so much comprehension and steadfastness with anyone.  I’m always the one to be vocal and to try and pull others out of their darkness, but that’s not what you want…and I am seeing it and doing my best to respect it and be what you want in those times.  You are showing me a path I’ve never taken before.  You are showing me a part of me that I didn’t know was there…the part that can trust that it isn’t “me” that is part of the problem…but part of the solution.  I’m walking in unknown territory now, and I’ll gladly keep walking in the darkness if it means I’ll find true understanding.  Never before have I built such a strong friendship with a person…one that without words we can completely understand one another…one where communication isn’t limited to speaking but where everything can be expressed with no verbal communication at all.

So often as I’m standing near you I want to reach out and grab you…to feel your hands against mine…your head against my shoulder…your arms gracefully folded around me.  I think of the fleeting times our lips have touched and shudder…so slight yet so intense…the anticipation has been murder, and at least that small part of my dream has ultimately come to pass.  I can sleep at night knowing my strongest dream has come true…I can live knowing that I’ve tasted the most delicious passion I’ve imagined…I can die knowing that the stars have shone on me in my darkest moment and pulled me safely out of it.

“I feel like I could fly when I stand next to you.”

I want to find you sitting next to me, laughing, watching tv, talking, or simply “being.”  I want to look in your eyes and watch you smile…and watch you shyly turn your head away…I want to find you thinking the same things that I am (which often you do) and I want the butterflies in my stomach to continue to be overwhelming.  I want to gently place my hand on your cheek as I continue staring in your eyes…to slowly lean in and press my lips against your forehead…to kiss you slowly down the side of your face…to feel you arch your head backwards and gasp as I softly kiss along your neck…my hands gently tracing down your shoulders and planting firmly on your hips… I want to move both hands lightly upwards from your hips across your back, stopping on your shoulders…to pull you in closely to me.  I want to pull you close enough to feel  your heart beating…your chest rhythmically rising as your breath increases…to change the gentle kissing of your neck to modest nibbling as I make my way back up to your cheek, over to the side of your chin…to delicately touch my lips against yours…starting with your bottom lip…and gracefully nudging upward until our lips are fully pressed together…  And now as your heart is beating with mine, our nervousness matching…our gasping timed perfectly with each other…we remain in one strong embrace, lips together…passion heating…only breaking to struggle for breath…and once again, my hand upon your cheek I will slowly slide away from you, only to stare back into your eyes…sweetly moving the stray hair back behind your ear that has fallen during our moment of expression…my eyes telling you so intently that my heart beats for you…and that my patience is infinite…and that all of the waiting is definitely worth it.

My Lashes…you are my masterpiece.

—————

Random
You know, people would think I needed medication if I posted as much as you. Why are you ‘cool’ and I’m ‘sick’?
Reply(1)4 years ago

Daniel Self
who ever said it is sick to post blogs? isn’t that the point?
4 years ago

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

You may feel like you’re receiving messages from outer space today, but they may be indecipherable. Don’t struggle trying to translate anything into English, for you can get the gist of it by just using your imagination. You know what it means, even if it doesn’t make much sense. But that’s the point; it isn’t about the words. For now, it’s all about trusting your intuition.

in other news…my withdrawal is getting intense. this would be the stage that it becomes a bit unbearable…the time i could easily swallow a pill and make it all go away again, but i can’t. not this time. not after the progress i’ve made. i’ve TRULY found emotions that i’d forgotten, and i don’t want to lose sight of that.

i’ve found the emotions that remind me how DEEPLY i can love someone…and how that could turn into so much hate…and i’ve realized there’s still been only one person i’ve held that hate…and she’s still in the distant past. it would take a lot to replace an emotion like that.

anyway……my head hurts, my eyes hurt, my brain hurts…i’m swirly and just having a hard time keeping focus. i’ll find my way. my face just feels thick and i want to go back to sleep and ignore all of it. so many thoughts and emotions are dragging me into bad places again, making me reminisce about dangerous people that i don’t need close to my heart anymore…and emotions that are making me doubt myself and my current situation.

i’m fine…i shouldn’t doubt what is going on, and i shouldn’t doubt the feelings i have for another person right now…and i shouldn’t doubt the intentions of that person. perhaps that’s always my downfall…perhaps i shouldn’t give such credit for others to bring me lower.

the damage caused has still thrown me into a bit of a spiral, and i keep wondering “why me?” why would someone choose to do this to ME? of all people…the one that would bring solace to your pained world…the one always there to save you…but yet…it meant nothing. i don’t want to hear otherwise. i don’t BELIEVE otherwise. again…it’s just another tragic flaw. i allowed this to happen. i allowed myself to believe things that were obviously untrue. everyone saw it, i saw it…but i chose not to accept it. i chose to give grace to those who deserved none.

not again. you drain me each time, and i just can’t deal with it anymore…i can’t allow myself to become so empty as i found myself to be. my love is worth more than that…and for once in a very long time…there is another soul in my path that truly respects the love and potential that i have…and my infinite patience will ALWAYS prevail. there’s no reason for me to step down again.

it sucks that certain songs can be so dual…there are lines in this that i love and remind me of a great night…and the rest, well, just sounds all too familiar.

Sexual Powertrip (one big lie) — Blue October

I’m sorry for the way I treated you
I’m stuck in my ways to just run
In the opposite way when things get comfortable
I’ll keep on licking till your flavor is gone

[Chorus]
It’s getting more impossible
To keep a straight face
And be trusted with
I love you

Don’t trust my words when I’m in the bed with you
I’ll bring the message, but the message gets lost
Yeah you opened your legs and maybe
I promised you
You didin’t notice that my ankles were crossed

[Chorus]

Can you show me how to treat someone?
I don’t recall ever learning how
Because I keep fucking up
I keep fucking up

had a wonderful music night last night…saw mutha fuckin Blaze Ya Dead Homie, Hed PE, Kottonmouth Kings, Tech N9ne…all courtesy of my kickass best pal, SHE knows who she is.

hit dfest after, caught the end of Flaming Lips and then the end of Shiny Toy Guns. and…the after party…which was a bit lame.

dfest again tonight anyone?

hjaha go figure.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Unexpressed feelings can be the source of relationship problems today. For example, someone may be doing something behind your back to block your forward movement. It’s smart to take whatever is hidden and bring it out for all to see. Your best practice now is to be as ready as possible.

…and softer lips.

inspiration is striking me again…i’ve been working on a video, more of a homage to a beautiful girl i know.

i found, as i was watching video that i shot last weekend while listening to a song…the images just fit so perfectly.  i hope it turns out the way i see it in my head.

“can you pretend i’m amazing…”

so much potential….a muse…so powerful…you’re giving me vision to do things well beyond my artistic talent…and i’m elated to see what else comes of this.