anyone sick of reading yet? thanks to those who do, it means a lot. it’s nice to have people along with me for the journey. plus it helps to have a written record of my starting point and progress.
my head is clearer today too, though a bit fuzzy, but the headache isn’t as bad. my stomach is a bit upset, but i don’t know if it’s due to the medicine or due to the spicy sloppy joes and goulash i had last night. probably the latter. i had also forgotten to take my stomach meds (light stuff, helps deal with acid and reflux) so that could explain a lot. my sleep has gotten a bit better, seemingly back to more how it was before. i tend to take a lot of naps when i’m on meds, and last night i didn’t have a chance to, and it didn’t seem to bother me. i got my usual 5 to 6 hours and i didn’t nearly pass out today. for some reason around 1030, i always just lose it, like, i can’t keep my eyes open. not so much “tired” just my eyes will NOT stay open. its always around the same time too.
oh, so anyway, today is another ‘off’ day, so tomorrow will be on again. i think i may carry this through til next week too, and then start the half doses. also from all i’ve read, Celexa has a fairly short half life (of 33 hours) so all the internet forums tend to say it’s a bit easier to wean from than some of the heavier meds. i still haven’t had any brain shocks, so hopefully i won’t get any. no muscle twitches, spasms, nothing of the sort. so far, all my withdrawal symptoms have been in my head, just the fuzziness and headache. i’m trying to keep up with caffeine as well, just to make sure i don’t couple the withdrawal headaches with caffeine headaches. sounds dumb i know, but i have a very keen sense of self, and i have a pretty good grasp on what my body is doing and what it is reacting to.
and on a positive note, i have a dinner date for wednesday, so that will definitely put me in good spirits again, i need all the positive influence i can get 🙂

———–
Karissa Mitchell Mcmill…
Great to know it’s going well for you. Keep up the great work!
Reply4 years ago

now day 5, was on yesterday, back off meds again today (and for tomorrow). definite increase in fuzziness, a tad more dissassociated and detached and a tad hard to focus. a bit more lethargic, i’d love to just be in bed sleeping, but i’m less so when i’m actually doing something (like working right now). when i’m up walking around, that’s when i feel a bit…absent. everything is a tad hazy when i’m just walking around with no direction…walking to the printer, bathroom, outside, etc. i’m very coherent though, no loss of concentration, just fuzzy. emotions are still heightening, which is good, and i’m back to making intuitive connections and relations to situations.
that may not make sense to most, but the current situation i’m in right now, i’m definitely having to look to my past to try to relate certain reactions and lack thereof to the same experiences i’ve had in the past. seems though, i did make a revelation today, that the reaction i’ve had recently from somene is the same as i’d had with the Shehag. there was a time of avoidance and quietness due to confusion and even distraction. it seems to happen when things are revealed or expressed, and sometimes it puts us in overload and we can’t really process it with everything else going on around us. sometimes it’s just easier to place it on the backburner and avoid the cause of what is throwing us into said confusion and upheaval.
we shall see. of course, that’s nothing totally related to dropping the meds, simply that i’m being able to see patterns and connections again, which could be due to time elapsed to think about it…or the fact that my emotional responses are increasing back to my normal intuitive levels.
also…”coincidentally” i was listening to an old Coast to Coast radio show from back around the time of the Virginia Tech shooting/massacre, and it was related that the kid involved was on SSRI meds. also it was related that anytime something like this has happened…mothers killing children, people going on shooting rampages…etc…those people have all been on SSRI psychotropic drugs. not to say they don’t help a lot of people…but they can also be very detrimental if you’re already fucked in the head. pretty wild stuff.
google that shit!

today was my “on” day for the meds. i can definitely tell a difference too. i had a really bad headache when i woke up, not the typical kind, but the withdrawal kind. yes, i’ve done this all before, been through it all before, so i know exactly what to expect and how it all feels. yes, it sucks. the headache is a warm/hot, dull, fuzzy feeling surrounding your forehead and temples. nothing really seems to help it either. other than that, just been feeling lethargic, probably moreso than usual, and a tad moody. not suicidal moody, not homicidal moody…just to make sure you folks don’t get scared.
of course with my mood levels rising, i’ve been a tad more depressed, but that’s to be expected. being sad at least means i’m feeling SOMETHING rather than nothing at all. again…it’s still a battle of willpower, which i have an abundance…along with patience.
and thanks to those of you that have commented and even called, i haven’t checked messages yet, but i saw the missed calls. that was due to me sleeping…but again, thank you. don’t feel i’m dodging, just the headache doesn’t make me feel up for conversation.

———-

Lizz Mozingo
Praying for you!
Reply(2)4 years ago

Daniel Self
apparently you’ve forgotten how to text message, dorkus! love you back! i’ll catch you up soon (when you decide to call me to hang out).
4 years ago

She B
you are confussing me on off on off.
I love ya flitzy.
be kind rewind
4 years ago

If you only knew how very little I cared about what you thought, and the craziness you believe. You do bring me great joy at your utter stupidity!!!!!!!

I’m over it, over all of you, all of your petty, childish, self-centered behavior. Thank God….I am free from whatever it is that I let you bind me with. How stupid was I to even care. Maybe that is because I am human, maybe they aren’t….is that why?

Possible. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

I’m disabling the comments on this one….the ones that it pertains to will know, if you question whether it is about you, it’s probably not, so don’t worry.

One last thing…..It would be so FANTASTIC if you could follow your own advice……you think it is so great yet, you can’t do the same as you want others to do. Kind of superficial and double standardish – isn’t it?

This will be my last blog about anything to do with this subject and the people involved, nor will I post shit on sites at their cries for attention.

—

People crack me up…..It’s always great when people talk out their ass when they have no idea what the full story is. It almost makes me mad but seriously it’s so ridiculous that they can’t realize something so basic. It’s right there in your face, yet you chose to ignore it. If that makes you feel better to hate someone else, or talk shit or whatever………..go for it.

I’m not going to participate in the high school antics. It will be come all too clear the pattern that people fall into. Give it a little time……Go back in history, read everything, not just things on myspace, everything…..you will see what I see. I’ve been pretty quiet about everything until lately. People say they don’t care, they are over it, but yet…..they are the one that keeps bringing it up. Doesn’t that kind of prove the opposite? If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t give me or anyone else associated with me another thought. It is almost flattering the amount of time spent hating me, trying to piss me off, etc……

Funny thing is, its not affecting me at all, other than giving me something to laugh at.

As Lady Soverign says: Love me or hate me, that is the question. Love me or hate me, it’s still an obsession. If you love me then thank you. If you hate me then fuck you!!!!

It is exactly that simple. Move on, get on with your own life. Its quite easy, unless you actually still give a damn, which you are trying so hard to prove that you don’t.

XOXOXOXO

Ms. Groovy

always do i seem to dream of them when they are furthest away. nearly every night i’ve seen her face, we’ve laughed, we’ve interacted…in the way things were recently. it’s such a shame to wake up again and know that it was all in my head.
i can only hope to see her face again soon, to feel her cheek against mine, her arms around me…now more than ever.

———-

She B
why no comments to this? jealousy haha
Reply4 years ago

sickness has taken most of my voice, but that’s unrelated to what i’m doing anyway. my head isn’t as clogged, but now it’s definitely fuzzy due to withdrawal. i was going to take a bit more time to do this, but even after a whole day without it, i’ve woken up feeling more emotion than i have in weeks. sure, weeks isn’t a long time, but still. as for the reason i even started them, well, it was because i needed to STOP feeling. my emotions can be both a blessing and a curse. of course, that’s another emo story for another time. perhaps had my catalyst and intervention come to me before i started meds, i’m sure it would have had the same effect though.
of course ultimately the decision was mine, and though i’ve had a few friends ask why i started them again, there was one certain person that asked “i thought you stopped taking these?” and that’s the one that really stands out right now. not sure why it would be that big of a deal, but she’s the one that kept me sane through my last withdrawal. funny how one person has had such an impact on my life in such a short time, comparatively. did i spell that right? whatever. so anyway. i just totally rambled.
day 2…so far, so good. tomorrow i’m on for a day, then off two more days. i’ll go about 4 doses in i’m thinking, then i’ll switch to half doses. then…i’ll drop them. that’s when the fun starts…the headaches, the twitching, the brain shocks…sigh.
*edit* update, its now 11pm, just had the withdrawal empty headache so far today. nothing too intense, but definitely noticeable. and more evidence to the return of emotion, i read the letter i was given recently and REALLY felt something, i felt something more powerful than i had the night it was given to me. perhaps my reaction was not visible enough to how much it really meant to me. thus…again…why it’s dangerous for me to be so cold.
someone be here for me.

today i start my regimen to wean from my meds. withdrawal is going to be intense i’m sure, but luckily i haven’t been on too long this run. only a couple months.
i’m in for a ride.
i feel i have some positive influences in my life right now that keep me sane and keep me smiling…and i’m tired of not being myself and being so robotic.
so here we go.
*update*
still nothing new. i’m sick already, head cold or something, but even on top of that i can feel a bit of the normal withdrawal symptoms. my head is fuzzy and a bit warm, but other than that i can’t judge because i’m already sick and lethargic.

NIN — Terrible Lie

hey God
why are you doing this to me?
am i not living up to what i’m supposed to be?
why am i seething with this animosity?
hey God
i think you owe me a great big apology.

terrible lie
terrible lie
terrible lie
terrible lie

hey God
i really don’t know what you mean.
seems like salvation come only in our dreams.
i feel my hatred grow all the more extreme.
hey God
can this world really be as sad as it seems?

terrible lie
terrible lie
terrible lie
terrible lie

don’t take it away from me.
i need someone to hold on to.
don’t take it away from me.
i need someone to hold on to.

hey God
there’s nothing left for me to hide.
i lost my ignorance, security and pride.
i’m all alone in a world you must despise.
hey God
i believed your promises, your promises and lies.

terrible lie
terrible lie
terrible lie
terrible lie

you made me throw it all away.
my morals left to decay.
how many you betray.
you’ve taken everything.

terrible lie.
my head is filled with disease.
my skin is begging you please.
i’m on my hands and knees.
i want so much to believe.

i need someone to hold on to.
i need someone to hold on to.
i need someone i need someone.
i need someone to hold on to.
i give you everything.
my sweet everything.
hey God
i really don’t know who i am.
in this world of piss

hmm…well, things have been so strange lately, almost dreamlike. positive things in my life have been happening, i’ve become closer with a very close friend of mine, work is great…i guess i just don’t have much to complain about.
gwar is july 3rd…day off july 4th…
my eyes have reopened to so many things, and i question so much why i allow myself to be distracted from my goals. i allowed my insecurity to be damaged again, all because of paranoia and mistrust, and i never even realized it. you people know me…i’m not socially insecure…but i was definitely acting like it. i’d worry about going places alone, how i was dressing, if i wasn’t impressing the girl i liked…wtf? why? that’s not me. maybe it’s true when it was said that i wasn’t being myself because of someone else. i’m not sure where i lost that stride. people like that are dangerous…people like that are stifling.
shouldn’t we wonder why a guy is treating his girlfriend like shit? i mean, there’s a side to a girl complaining about how bad their mate could be acting toward them…but is it possible they deserve that treatment because it’s how they’re being treated themselves? just makes you wonder…am i really a savior? or am i just the next idiot to deal with someone’s petty ridiculous selfish personality? we always go back to what we know best.
Better the devil you know than the one you don’t.
i drive by a creepy graveyard every day to work. so many fresh plots, almost once a week i see a crew out digging graves, prepping plots, all that stuff. there’s something just so unsettling about that, but i’m not sure why. who were they? what were they like? were they young? old? children killed by disease? a lost parent?
it almost seems so distant and detached to see so many stone grey markers lining the grass, so many stories they could tell, so many lives those cold rocks have affected.
such a cold, grim honesty about a graveyard…everyone one of those people has taken their guilt, secrets, dishonesty, and pain to their graves. were they absolved? did they leave alone, never expressing their darkest actions to their closest friends around them? how many emotions have they trapped inside those boxes, never to reveal to those who needed to hear them the most?
i don’t want to die with any regrets, i don’t want to die with remorse, and i don’t want to die with deceit. we all make our own beds, but is it the bed you truly wish to lie in?

just a reminder, Kalifornia is such a great movie. everyone needs to see it.

and it was awesome to hang with SHE and watch it! hugs.