sometimes our wishes do actually come true.

seems that now my chest has decided to start spasming. i hurt it tuesday, not sure if i did something to the muscle, tendon, rib, or what. you all know i’m fragile anyway. well…now it’s fucking twitching and spasming…and i’m nearly in tears. yeah i just complained and whined about something. this really really hurts.

———

The Dalai Mama
Stress. I’m telling you, one word…mudwrestling.
Reply5 years ago

Xx*FemCore*xX
I slipped you the behjing cocktail….. it will all be over soon ;p
X~LacY~X
Reply5 years ago

Kenneth
=-(

I’ve had a weird headache for 2wks. It’s freaking me out. I’m going to the Dr. tomorrow.

Hopefully your chest spasms and my headache will all go away soon. *hugs*
Reply5 years ago

sometimes i just can’t find words (or maybe my words just…don’t do justice) for the emotions in my head…my heart is riddled with sympathy right now and i’m stuck knowing there’s nothing i can do to help. i understand…i do…there is NOTHING i can do…mentally or physically…but it doesn’t stop me from hurting. i wish i could snap my fingers and change events…i wish i could blink my eyes and wish it away…i wish i could wake you up one morning and show you it was all a bad dream…

but i can’t. not this time. my heart weeps for you, the sadness is overflowing and makes me weak. senseless things like this should never happen…and it really compromises certain lines we may feel lie between rage and grief. i’ve found myself in darker places when thinking about it…if i were in similar spots…i don’t know that i could keep myself from taking action. i’ve thought about what i would do if people hurt those close to me…as passive as i am…i’ve watched myself gut strangers in my mind. i’ve watched myself with zero hesitation to end those who have ended ones close to me. maybe the scary part is…is that i’m calm. in my head at least. rationality snaps me out of those morbid visions, reminding me that those things won’t happen…but reality only shows us that they do. if you hurt someone that i love…would you be able to stop me?

you just never know what life will bring you…and each day we find ourselves amazed at the depravity of humankind…man’s inhumanity to man…

it’s a fucked up world indeed.

for those of you that may have caught the news, there was a body of a young, early 20s girl recovered from the Verdigris River.

and…for those of you that know my Jen, well, the body that was found…was Jen’s cousin.

please keep jen and her family in your thoughts, prayers, minds, hearts…whatever it is you do. just send her positive energy right now. these things are always so far from home, we watch them every day on the news…and we always think it will never happen to us.

well…it does.

and all i can hope is…if justice doesn’t take care of the person(s) responsible…i trust that karma and/or damnation certainly will…

——-

~Betty Jean~ Balch
sad. very sad. my daddy lived in LA, Cali all his life. Comes to Live near us in Okla. and is murdered not even a year later. We never found who did it or why. Sucks and I will never be happy when I think of it.
I hope they find the sick bastard who did that to Jen’s cousin. My prayer’s are with her family.
Take care Muffin.
Reply(1)5 years ago

Sarah
I’m so sorry about this. She and her family are in my prayers.
Reply5 years ago

Random
Things have a way of working themselves out 1 way or another. I believe in karma. It’s a powerful thing.
Reply5 years ago

Kenneth
Her murderer will get what’s coming to him, one way or another. *big hugs*
Reply5 years ago

shanna
Omg. That’s horrible. She’s for sure in my thoughts. I hope justice comes to the miserable excuse for a human that did this. 🙁
Reply5 years ago

~Princess of Pain~
Damn you boy…..now I am crying again. You mean the world to me. Thank you to all of your friends concerns they have sent to me through you. You have amazing friends & I appreciate them showing that they care. Luv Ya!
Reply5 years ago

and i was right. now i’m leaving 10 minutes later than i wanted for work.
i sat in silence…laid in silence…in my bed for hours, unable to sleep. all my thoughts raced about one person. every possible memory and scenario simply flooded my mind. i stared at my phone hoping it would ring, i listened for the door hoping it would unlock, i kept my arms open hoping she would walk in and lay between them.
but alas, no. my wishing accomplished nothing, and now i’m simply tired and worn out from a night of lost sleep.
the few fitful pieces of sleep i even had…that’s right, were dreams of her.
i’m smitten badly.

——-

scott king

You told me, I see you rise
But, it always, falls
I see you come, I see you go

You say, “All things pass, into the night”
And I say, “Oh no sir, I must say you’re wrong, I must disagree, oh no sir, I must say you’re wrong”
Won’t you listen to me

You told me, I’ve seen it all before
I’ve Been there,
I’ve seen my hopes and dreams a-lying on the ground

I’ve seen the sky, just begin to fall
And you say, “All things pass, into the night”
And I say, “Oh no sir, I must say you’re wrong, I must disagree, oh no sir, I must say you’re wrong”
Won’t you listen to meeeeeeeeee?

Good-bye horses
I’m lying over you
Good-bye horses
I’m lying over you
Good-bye horses
I’m lying over you
Good-bye horses
I’m lying, lying, lying over yooooooooooouuuuuuuuuu!!!!
Reply5 years ago

thomas dunlap
“i’m smitten badly” who the fuck talks like? only my nucka.
Reply5 years ago

Kenneth
Awww.
Reply5 years ago

3:36 am and i can’t sleep. my thoughts always return to one person no matter how hard i’ve tried. my heart has been in my throat all evening, it has killed me to be so far away…don’t think that it hasn’t. my arms are empty tonight, all i’ve done is toss and turn when i’ve tried to sleep. i fear i can no longer sleep alone.
and what does it mean? who knows. normally i would say “maybe it’s just me” but i don’t believe that’s true. i know she is doing the same thing. so many words to wonder about…are they to me?
where is my clarity…where is my understanding…so many things have escaped me lately and kept me in a spiral. maybe i’ll find my two feet again…but for now, i’m sick from missing her. i just want to close my eyes and wash it all away under the guise of slumber.
sadly though, i know, my heart and mind won’t stop even when i sleep. even if i DO sleep. and my second day of work…i’m going to be sick and exhausted.
my heart is forever in your hands.
my path is still open, there’s still room…right beside me.
…just to hear your voice…..

Oh yes, i believe…
i believe in death, i believe in disease…
i believe in injustice, and inhumanity, and torture, and anger, and hate…
i believe in murder, i believe in pain…
i believe in cruelty and infidelity…
i believe in slime, and stink…and in every crawling, putrid thing, every possible ugliness…and corruption…you SONOFABITCH…
i believe….in you…
–exorcist 3

my apologies…to those of you who have heard only negative things about my life lately. it’s true that it isn’t fair that no one hears the good things…the positive things…the loving things. i run to my friends when i have issues and problems, and by doing so, i’m making someone feel a bit alienated because i give only a one-sided story.
as for the things i’ve said, please hold them against ME. they were my mistakes, my overreactions, my thoughtless insinuations. as guilty as i am of saying one sided things, i’m also guilty of only seeing one side of things. whereas my innate sense of equality and justice holds strong in situations, it seems this is one area that i’m lacking. there are areas to be worked on, i know, and as tough as things are…i know we are trying. things have started out so damned difficult already, so i guess it has seemed tough to find our balance. we will. i know we will. tomorrow always brings a new time for reflection and discussion, and it seems each day we grow stronger together. with as much as we’ve been through, i at least think we are coming to a point where nothing can tear us apart because everything else is going to seem so trivial.
as for the positive things no one ever hears…
she drives 30 minutes all the way across town to bring me lunch and spend 30 minutes with me…only to make the same trip back across town.
she has come by my place, totally out of her way, and totally unexpectedly, just to hug me and kiss me and see me for 5 minutes.
she has given me strength when i’ve been so near my breaking point, and brought me back from the edge of just wanting to give up entirely.
she has given me greeting cards for no reason…simply to tell me how much she loves me and cares about me.
she has sleepovers with me…we watch movies and cuddle on the couch the way couples should do.
she plays with my hair when i lay my head in her lap.
she brings my tylenol when i’m hungover with a headache.
she drove out of her way to bring me juice and medicine when i was home sick and puking my balls off, and took the risk of catching it as well, with no hesitation.
she encourages me to do the things i want to do with my life.
and the list can go on…
but the biggest one of all, she kisses me and hugs me when we are at our fiercest…when our emotions are strongest and we feel we are at an impass and fighting…she still stops…and hugs me and kisses me.

today is my mom’s bday. happy birthday mom! i went to visit her today, she makes awesome roast beef and mashed potatoes. all of you are fucking jealous to the core.
and no, my mom is not weird…my family is very very normal compared to me…so, take a guess…who’s the outsider? who’s the fuckup? 🙂
it’s me! wheeeee!
just kidding. my fam doesn’t think that.
anyway, my mom is awesome.

you are my rock…you are the one keeping me sane and keeping me from snapping…my love is infinite and it scares the everliving shit out of me. i never thought i’d care for another person this much, and sometimes i just don’t know what to do.
i still feel so at home and so comfortable when i’m with you…as if my problems are disappearing, only to have them rush back when i leave. i’m sure that’s part of my issue…that something makes me feel so incomplete when we’re not together, and apparently that makes it dangerous. i know it bothers you too…and it scares you…but is it really a bad thing?
i feel so many things that are hard to fight…and maybe that’s the problem too…maybe it’s simply time to let go and be swallowed by everything around us.
my world exists in your eyes, and staring into them…i am home.