you’re the reason so many women feel ashamed of themselves, the reason they feel so inferior.  you treat them like objects…you train them to serve your selfish needs instead of their own…

insolent bastards.

people like you make me sick, you burn me to the core.  not often do i get this livid, only when people i love are so brutally attacked and demeaned.  i don’t like knowing my friends are upset…especially because of someone’s fucking stupidity and childishness.  there are only two other times i can even remember feeling this way….

the first was with shehag at toys r us.  a manager did something incredibly shitty to her, and i saw fucking red.  really.  tunnel vision and all, i wanted to shred them.  the other was that night at the cancer thing with danya when that girl went off on her…if it was fashionable to hit a woman, i’d have broken her gawddamn nose.

and this one.

it’s not even worth repeating.

after all that’s been done…now we’ve sunk to petty lows?  it is obvious things won’t go your way, so being so immature about things are supposed to change it?  maybe to me it just seems that the situation is valued far less than i’d even given credit.  dragging others into your little self-created pit of misery won’t help the situation, and it’s only going to create more resentment.  good job on that one.  what do you stand to gain?  more sense of control over a helpless situation that you’ve lost?  more difficulty and conflict?

i’ll be sad for you…i’ve been in those shoes, i’ve had to watch so many people walk away from me for others.  it happens.  life isn’t perfect and peachy, i wish it was, but it isn’t.  i’ve won and i’ve lost many times.  but how much do you care for someone if you don’t want them to be happy?  if your love is true…wouldn’t you want to see them in a better place?  or you simply want to be so selfish that you want to keep them as miserable as you are?

(warning…much personal info ahead, reader beware)

there was a time in teh past when i was with one i thought was “it.”  the end was nearing, though i tried to ignore it and pretend it wasn’t true.  everything had lessened…the amount of physical time we’d spent together was diminishing…and the sensuality was dying.  i should have noticed.  i had more desire to sit in front of my computer looking for…selfish pleasures…than spending nights in bed with her.  apparently she took notice.  so a few weeks before the end arrived…in a desperate attempt to liven things up, we visited the local “shop” to purchase something to increase her…pleasure.  both of us were excited, obviously, to try it out…so we rushed home (after buying batteries of course).  we start in, pulses beating…and lo and behold…she wasn’t responding.

in case you boys don’t notice…girls tend to…”self lubricate” when they are excited and turned on…and well, it wasn’t happening.  again, me being an idiot, i wasn’t even thinking that it was ME, i thought maybe the timing was bad, or a million other reasons…but never me.  but it was.  regardless of how much interaction we had, how much direct contact and pleasure she was receiving…it just wasn’t working.  the night ended with disappointment and frustration…her falling asleep, and me leaving to go visit the computer.

so what should i have learned?  a girl not willing to kiss me…a girl who doesn’t even get excited with hugely pleasureable external devices…maybe she isn’t INTO ME anymore?  just a thought.  why would i want to remain with that girl?  if i don’t turn her on, what’s the point?  is it just to be selfish and to know that it’s familiar and that we know what each other likes?  even though she seemingly doesn’t like ME anymore?

*edit*

i forgot to mention in my drunken ramblings that it was directly pointed out to me that, in fact, she was NOT turned on by me at all.  that’s why it wasn’t working that night.  simple as that.  i repulsed her, she was no longer in love with me, she had no feelings for me…and being so close and intimate was just disgusting her.  the body doesn’t lie, that’s for sure.  maybe it was a little mean of her throwing it in my face just how…unattracted to me she was at the time…but it was honest.  keep that as a reminder…if a girl isn’t getting turned on…maybe it’s YOU that she’s not into.

(end graphic story….)

what’s your concern?  never finding a replacement?  you won’t.  we can’t find replacements.  there’s no way to replace people, we just find new places for new people.  everyone has something to offer.  i’ve never believed there’s only “one” person for anyone…it’s ludicrous.  the grass is always greener, but it always tastes the same.

and now…i’m drunk and rambling and i’ve lost my structure and flow and don’t know what to say.

my heart longs for you to be next to me.  i want to wake up and see your face, i want you to sneak over some night while i’m sleeping and surprise me by cuddling up to me.  i want to hear you breathing next to me.  i want to smell you on my pillows.  i want to see you before i close my eyes, and see you when i open them.  i want your hair to tickle my nose as i lie next to you.  i want your feet to play with mine before we go to sleep.

i want to lie on our backs and talk for hours until the sun comes up.  i want to nod off on the couch watching tv with you, and carry you to bed.  i want you to forget me helping you undress and putting you in your pajamas, only to wonder how you got dressed the next morning.  i want to take your shoes off when you’re too drunk to move.  i want to lie side by side and stare in each others’ eyes and smile because we both know what each other is feeling.

i want to wake up with no concerns…with no questions…with no worries about what the rest of the day holds…i wanna wake up in your arms and be safe and content…to feel that the world can keep turning and never touch us…

you’ve got the key to my heart…

————-

Montega
Whoever you get to be with is a very lucky girl indeed.
Reply(1)5 years ago

Karissa Mitchell Mcmill…
This was very very interesting to me. Especially the part about the grass always being greener, but still tasting the same. Sooooooooooo very true! I always enjoy reading your writings, but thanks for spicing it up a bit with some porn scene in the middle this time, ha ha.
Reply5 years ago

She B
have you taken up writing blogs as an occupation? b/c I aint gonna pay you
Reply5 years ago

…is the color i see when i close my eyes.

——-

Karissa Mitchell Mcmill…
May your red fade to softer shades of yellow or green soon. Sorry you are so angry honey! Hugs!
Reply5 years ago

Kenneth
*hugs*
Reply5 years ago

there’s such a fine line between adoration and desperation.
do you treat me this way because you adore me? or do you treat me this way because you’re desperate for attention and you think you may lose me?
i found myself in this same position a very long time ago…someone very close to me was going to leave. i’d realized it was my last shot, and i’d done nothing to stop the situation. seeing that i was in desperate need to fix things…i started doing everything that had been expected of me in the years prior. was i desperate? yes. had i wanted to do those things, i’d have been doing them the whole time. did i care about her? i did…but obviously not enough to be that person for the duration of the relationship. my desperation caused me to act out of character, it caused me to try to prove myself in ways that weren’t me. it was total bullshit on my part.
the little whispered nothings…the gems of affection…too little too late, i was told. and it was true. i’d taken everything for granted…and the ruin was my fault. changing my attitude in the last few days was not a sign of adoration…it was simply desperation. the signs of adoration had long disappeared, she was simply there out of expectation.
to adore is to do things without question…to do things because you love someone…not because you fear them leaving. the things we do when we go out of our way for someone without them ever asking…bringing someone their favorite candy when they have a bad day…telling them they’re beautiful and MEANING it, not because they asked how they look…
if you asked me a hundred times to do something…and i throw a fit about it every time…and never take the initiative to do it…even the simplest of things…and then all the sudden i decide to do it once, is it desperation?
do you adore me because you truly love me? or are you desperate to keep me because you fear being alone and never finding anyone else? are you with me because you know that no one else will let me treat you as badly as i treat you? if you adored me…why would you treat me badly in the first place?
a person won’t change inside a relationship…thinking they will…is just pointless. i’ve been that person…at my lowest point, i realized that i wasn’t the thing that the other person needed…and i knew i couldn’t change it. it didn’t matter how many times i tried to turn things around, it didn’t matter how often i tried to be all those things the other person asked…i simply was NOT that person. we can’t be. we will always fall into the same routine because we expect the other person to accept it. they have in the past, why should they change their mind now? well, change your minds.
through pain and suffering, we will learn our mistakes. Hell is separation from God. heartbreak is separation from our loved ones. if i love you…and you leave me…my heart will break. i’ll be forced to face my demons, i’ll be forced to look myself in the mirror and decide if i want to repeat the same mistakes. until you leave me, i’ll never understand that i’m broken. until you walk away, i’ll never know how much i’ve hurt you. if you stay with me…i’ll continue to treat you exactly as i have. as they say…we don’t know what we’ve got until we’ve lost it. maybe after absolute desolation will i realize how much i’ve broken you.
if you leave me, you’re dead in my world. i no longer have you to hold onto, i no longer have you to depend on, you’re no longer there for me.
if i care about you…i’ll want you to be happy…i’ll want you to have someone who adores you. if i care about you, i won’t want you to be with me simply because you feel guilty…and i won’t want you to be with me simply because i’m desperate.

all i thought of was her. shopping…thoughts of next year bounced through my head…thoughts of us giggling and smiling while buying xmas decorations together, picking out small things to remind us of our times…those “first” ornaments that we’ll pick to signify our first holiday we get to spend together…
i saw it so clearly in my head…the things that will happen…the things i hope to happen…
and i smiled so deeply.

merry xmas, happy festivus, happy hannukah….and everything else going on around the world and right here at home.
blessed be!

i’m still watching you shimmer and shine in the sky…as far away as you are. i’m watching you burn with the other stars…and i’m making my wish that you return to me quickly, because it kills me to see you so far in the heavens and so out of reach…

——–
~Princess of Pain~
You always work magic with your words!
Reply(1)5 years ago

Daniel Self
it’s easy when i have a good muse.
5 years ago

wow…as i’m erasing junk mail, i came across this little beauty. here, in it’s entirety…some random spam junk mail i got. i honestly can’t figure out what the hell this is meant to say:

Our upgraded model now offers parallel digital options.
Our upgraded model now offers synchronised strategic alignment. An asteroid over an ocean The consultants recommend homogenised transitional flexibility.
Indeed, another optimal power drill hardly pours freezing cold water on another tuba player. A girl scout buys an expensive gift for an earring. Any roller coaster can have a change of heart about a cargo bay about a briar patch, but it takes a real paycheck to wisely graduate from the seldom precise fighter pilot. A fractured briar patch beams with joy, and another knowingly statesmanlike tomato hesitates; however, the underhandedly elusive photon makes love to the sheriff about a pork chop.

my heart dies ever so slightly every time i watch you walk away…

———

 
thomas dunlap
….yeah…i kinda do really…
Reply5 years ago

thomas dunlap
grow a set fag.
Reply5 years ago

Blake Cover
If you leave, don’t leave now
Please don’t take my heart away
Promise me just one more night
Then we’ll go our separate ways
We always had time on our side
Now it’s fading fast
Every second, every moment
We’ve got to, we’ve got to make it last
Reply(1)5 years ago

Daniel Self
i touch you once…i touch you twice…you’re totally trying to slow dance with me.
5 years ago

~Princess of Pain~
Cheer up……things will get better!!!
Reply5 years ago

Blue
Actually, unless you just don’t use any of your facial muscles when you cry…everyone’s gonna know anyway.
Reply5 years ago

Lizz Mozingo
God bless you and keep you, Daniel…
Reply5 years ago

no…nothing personal to this one at all, though at many times in the past i have been this guy.  i just thought some of it was too cute to pass up.  it just sounds like some shit i’d have written myself 😉

I’m sorry
that i bought you roses
to tell you that i like you

I’m sorry
That I was raised with respect
not to sleep with you when you were drunk

I’m sorry
That my body’s not ripped enough
to “satisfy” your wants

I’m sorry
that I open your car door,
and pull out your chair like I was raised

I’m sorry
That I’m not cute enough
to be “your guy”

I’m sorry
That I am actually nice;
not an asshole

I’m sorry
I don’t have a huge bank account
to buy you expensive things

I’m sorry
I like to spend quality nights at home
cuddling with you, instead of at a club

I’m sorry
I would rather make love to you then just f**k you
like some random guy.

I’m sorry
That I am always the one you need to talk to,
but never good enough to date

I’m sorry
That I always held your hair back when you threw up,and didn’t get mad at you for puking in my car,
but when we went out you went home with another guy

I’m sorry
That I am there to pick you up at 4am when your new man hit you and dropped you off in the middle of nowhere,
but not good enough to listen to me when I need a friend

I’m sorry
If I start not being there, and being used as a door mat, only to be thrown to the side when the new asshole comes around

I’m sorry
If I don’t answer my phone anymore when you call, to listen to you cry for hours, instead of getting a couple hours of sleep before work

I’m sorry that you can’t realize.. I’ve been the one all along.

I’m sorry
If you read this and know somebody like this
but don’t care But most of all

I’m sorry
For not being sorry anymore

I’m sorry
That you can’t accept me for who I am

I’m sorry
I can ever do anything right, and nothing that I do is good
enough to make it in your world.

I’m sorry
I caught your bf with another girl and told you about it, I thought that was what friends were for…

I’m sorry
That I told you I loved you and actually meant it.

I’m sorry
That I talked to you for nine hours on Thanksgiving when your bf was threatening you instead of spending time with my family.

I’m Sorry
That i cared

I’m sorry
that I listen to you at night talk about how you wish you could have done something different.

Ladies always bitch and bitch to their friends that there is never any good guys out there, and they always end up with assholes who mistreat them. Well ladies next time you’re bitching, maybe look up to see who you’re bitching to, maybe that special someone is right there hanging on your every word as usual, screaming in his head “WHY WON’T YOU GIVE ME A CHANCE?”
Because the person you are usually searching for is right by you.

If you’re a guy and you agree with this letter, repost as “I’m sorry ”

If You’re one of the few girls with enough balls to repost, and you would never make your guy feel this way, repost as “To the girls who look past nice guys”