i can’t sleep.  i have a new muse, i have new inspiration, but i can’t find the words i want to say.  my words are failing right now, and i’ve looked to the past for motivation.  in doing so, i found a piece of apathy and distraction i thought i’d share.

–june 23, 2003—————————-

i stare in the face of it every day, yet it disgusts me so much. most of you aren’t fit to be here, and most of you don’t even want to be here. we complain so much about how our lives suck and how we wish we were someone else or somewhere else…and it defeats the purpose of existence. if we were somewhere else, then our lives wouldn’t have been accustomed to the place we are currently in….therefore we WOULD be something different. and wishing you were someone else? you think being another person wouldn’t allow you to feel pain or hurt? to be someone else would be to deny your existence anyway, and you therefore wouldn’t have any knowledge of the pain you hold. sometimes we need to suck it up and deal with it. i simply want to be loved. all of us want to be loved. i exist fairly happily without the touch of another soul, and yet it is the one thing i find myself significantly missing in my life. ahh, the duality of happiness, the double edged sword it is. another person will increase our happiness, and yet cause us so much self-doubt and pain in the process…i’ve seen it too many times. so many broken hearts and broken promises, the perception of living peacefully with another soul to call your friend and companion, and yet it is still another soul to cause you torment that you wouldn’t have if you were alone. and then you are back to facing your solitude and realization that you have no soul to touch…are we in an endless circle of constraint and melancholy?

a simple kiss, a simple connection. souls touch through the embrace of the mouth, and then that soul is nowhere to be found. twice this has happened, one soul that simply wanted to see, and another soul that i don’t know the reason…only assumed to be passion. you have gazed into my heart, and there was something. so many professions of contentment and decision to change in order to be that entity wishing to share my heart, and yet so much distance between the two of us. i’m only going to retreat further if this keeps happening, and i’m only going to turn into that which keeps disgusting me. i could take advantage of the manipulative powers that i have and wreak havoc on twisted needy beings, but i can’t do that with clear morality. something unique keeps me from reaching into your hearts and ripping you close to me and severing any ties you have with so-called relationships. you’ve seen so clearly what it is they offer you, and you see so clearly that you desperately want something else. i offer the other things, and yet you stay so far away. i’m probably just assimilating my true perceptions back into my conscience, i’m probably just getting used to being the friend that i am instead of the lover i’ve wished to be.

i can gaze in your eyes and tell you that your life has been a series of mishaps and misconstrued feelings, and i can tell you that things can be dramatically different if the choice is made.

i also talk too much. if you feel it, exhude it. there is no truth in hiding from emotion, there is no rationality in denying what your mind wishes you to do. too often do we do what we think is the right thing, when we should often just do what we feel is the better thing.

i know you’re out there, somewhere out there.

———————————————-

Dust Brothers — This Is Your Life (fight club soundtrack)

1.What did you do in 2006 that you’d never done before?
met more new people and friends in 2006 than my entire life.
2. Did you keep your New Year’s Resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
sadly no, my one goal i’d set was not achieved.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No i don’t think so

4. Did anyone close to you die?   thankfully no.

5. What countries did you visit?
None.

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
a new car.

7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
there are a few substantial dates…but i’ll be arrogant and go with my bday, jan 27th.  probably the biggest and best party ever.  so sad that Extinction isn’t open…dunno what to do about my party this year 🙁
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
couldn’t name just one, i’ve made some amazing friends this year, people i wouldn’t sacrifice for anything.

9. What was your biggest failure?
hmm…getting fired for a bullshit reason.  next time i’ll have to actually do something wrong and go out with a bang.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
fuck yeah, had both sides of my ribs cracked from a bear hug.  i’m fragile people.

13. Favorite Purchase?
nothing stands out. just lots of dvds, lots of concert tickets.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
nothing comes to mind.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
omg Bush!  nah just kidding.  i gives a fuck.  i’m appalled and depressed that natalie portman hasn’t fallen in love with me yet.  also the decision of a certain person from my past to sever all ties because someone has control issues over her life.

14. Where did most of your money go?
who the FUCK knows!  definitely dvds..food…vodka…

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
my birthday party was exciting.  halloween was fucking outstanding as well, and the two NIN concerts i saw.  oh and gwar!
16. What song will always remind you of 2006? basically all of NIN–With Teeth album.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you?
1. More Happy Or Sad?
i’ve had a trend over the past few years of meeting wonderful new people around this time.

2. Thinner or Fatter?
a tad thinner thankfully.

3. Richer or Poorer?
poorer indeed.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
i wish i’d saved more money instead of blowing it on…nothing.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
i wish i’d not hurt some peoples’ feelings.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
with my family as always.

22. Did you fall in love in 2006?
every time i look in the mirror.  maybe i’ve fallen for a few people.  maybe they know, maybe they never will.
23. How many one-night stands?
not my style.  maybe i should try one.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
i don’t watch enough to have a favorite.  as for a current show, i do love Smallville.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
the list of people i disdain generally grows each year.  hate is a strong word, i reserve that for only one person in my life.
26. What was the best book you read?
sadly i read very little.  i finally read Fight Club, awesome….and i’m reading one called “Hunt for the Skinwalker” that is amazing.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
wow, i didn’t gain any musical interests this year.  at least none standing out.
28. What did you want and get?
deep connections with people.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
V for Vendetta, hands down.  i can’t express how much i love this movie.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i turned 29…scary…had a big party at Extinction Gallery.  well, i say big…maybe not all of them were there for ME, but it was a lot of people! and all my ‘more normal’ friends played dress-up and came to hang out.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
i’m still stuck in the 70s and wearing polyester.  maybe a tad more goth and glam.

34. What kept you sane?
funny question.  one of my new friends i’d made this year.  i’ve told her quite often that she has kept me sane and been a stability without even knowing it.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
i still love natalie portman….even hott with a shaved head.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
legalizing tattoos in oklahoma?  seriously…i don’t keep up with politics.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
like i could answer that…way too many awesome new people.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:

close your eyes and jump.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
“…i believe i can see the future, cuz i repeat the same routine…”  -NIN.

watching you from across the table…your eyes nervously glancing around, trying to stare without seeming obvious…as your lips dance around the straw to your half-finished drink.  i want to take you home with me.  i’ve counted the times you’ve lightly bit your bottom lip as you looked at me, the quiet, shy smile that you flash as your eyes catch mine…and how you look away quickly.  it’s cute.  your mouth is calling me, daring me even.  will your lips taste as delicious as the layered drink you’re finishing?  will your breath smell sweet with light liquors and smooth alcohol?  i’m sure it will…and the remnant taste of the cherry you just ate from the bottom of your glass?  i’ll taste it with my tongue as i lightly lick across your lips.  your hands shift, your fingers move and interlock randomly in your nervousness and excitement, you almost can’t contain yourself.  of course, you don’t want to appear awkward or shy, so you try to hide it by giggling at the people around you, while inside you’re gasping desperately, just itching for me to touch you.  how soft your hair will be as i run my fingers through it…lightly grasping the back of your neck to pull you toward me to lightly bite into your skin.  will you shiver?  yes…you will…your eyes will close as they timidly roll back in delight…as you sigh for more.  maybe our hands will brush against each other casually on the table…always by accident, though with such intent it couldn’t possibly be by mistake.  will your heart skip a beat as our skin blissfully touches?  you won’t show it…you’re keeping your cool exterior in an attempt to mask what you want to do to me.  never reveal your aces so quickly or so soon, no, you must hide something.  you must save some exciting dark tricks for later in the night.  how difficult is it to maintain composure at the table while the animal inside you is clawing your every passion, begging for my breath to be against your skin?  is it killing you?  the anticipation must be devastating…the waiting, the torture and mystery of how my mouth would feel pressed against yours in one moist union…will it be clumsy?  will your delicate tongue find mine as our lips dance in the dark?  not too much…ever so gently…you’ll offer more and more as your breathing grows heavier and more intense…how tightly are your legs crossed now?  you can feel it, deep down, your body is screaming for release, your temperature has risen dramatically and you’re nearing the point of no return.  the ice in your cup is nearly gone, and soon you’ll have nothing left to keep your mouth occupied…you’ve now become powerless, nothing can stop you, nothing will hold you back…a kiss will set you free…but can you stop there?

try and keep up.

i suppose it would be flattering for someone to want to use my words.  maybe someone wants to impress some vain crush of theirs, maybe they want to tell her that my words describe so eloquently how they feel about her, maybe it’s just poetic and dangerous enough to make their point known.  or maybe…maybe they aren’t good enough to come up with their own?

i suppose it IS flattering.  maybe someone SHOULD borrow my words.  just be careful that they don’t fall on deaf ears.  just make sure your lips can compete with what mine can do.

just a snippet from one of my favorite movies…Chasing Amy.
pay attention boys, you might learn something.
this is dialogue between Silent Bob, Jay, and Holden. some of it i’m leaving out for brevity.

BOB
You’re chasing Amy.
I went through something like what
you’re going through. Years ago.
Same kind of thing with a girl named
Amy.
(to Holden)
So there’s me an Amy, and we’re all
inseparable, right? Just big time in
love. And then about four months in,
I ask about the ex-boyfriend. Dumb
move, I know, but you know how it is –
you don’t really want to know, but you
just have to… stupid guy bullshit.
Anyway she starts telling me all about
him – how they dated for years, lived
together, her mother likes me better,
blah, blah, blah – and I’m okay. But
then she tells me that a couple times,
he brought other people to bed with
them – menage a trois, I believe it’s
called. Now this just blows my mind.
I mean, I’m not used to that sort of
thing, right? I was raised Catholic.
So I get weirded out, and just start
blasting her, right? This is the only
way I can deal with it – by calling
her a slut, and telling her that she
was used – I mean, I’m out for blood I
want to hurt her – because I don’t
know how to deal with what I’m
feeling. And I’m like “What the fuck
is wrong with you?” and she’s telling
me that it was that time, in that
place, and she didn’t do anything
wrong, so she’s not gonna apologize.
So I tell her it’s over, and I walk.

JAY
Fucking a.
BOB
No, idiot. It was a mistake. I
wasn’t disgusted with her, I was
afraid. At that moment, I felt small –
like I’d lacked experience, like I’d
never be on her level or never be
enough for her or something.
And what I didn’t get was that she
didn’t care. She wasn’t looking for
that guy anymore. She was looking for
me. But by the time I realized this,
it was too late, you know. She’d
moved on, and all I had to show for it
was some foolish pride, which then
gave way to regret. She was the girl,
I know that now. But I pushed her
away…

So I’ve spent every day since then
chasing Amy…
(takes a drag from his smoke)
So to speak.

(tool/rollins)
if i let you, you would make me destroy myself
in order to survive you, i must first survive myself
i can sink no further, and i cannot forgive you
there’s no choice but to confront you, to engage you, to erase you
ive gone to great lenghts to expand my threshold of pain
i will use my mistakes against you, there’s no other choice
im shameless now, im nameless now, im nothing now, im no one now
but my soul must be iron ’cause my fear is naked
im naked and fearless
and my fear is naked

(*edit…no…this is not currently reflecting a mood of any sort, just stuck in my head and wanted to post it*)

———-
Duran Durangela
I freaking love henry rollins, and I love that song.
Reply5 years ago

Xx*FemCore*xX
Did someone say “NAKED?!” J/K sorry……
I love how you are like me…. always a song for the mood 🙂
Xo~LacY~xO
Reply5 years ago

my hair is back to black. so…now you people have to actually recognize me for ME, not for my bright red hair.
carry on.