happy thanksgiving everyone.

———

Josie Davis
Happy Turkey Day!!!
Reply5 years ago

~Princess of Pain~
Happy Thanksgiving…..Let me know about tonight!
Reply5 years ago

Blue
Turkey=beast, not bird! Those things are so damn scary!
Reply5 years ago

is she still watching? does she still see? how often am i observed? do my words fall on broken and empty hearts?

you’re fine without me…i realize this now…

i wanted to be the one to save you, but i was only the one to show you your true path…

you’ve been the thing i’ve wanted to see, the times i’ve wanted to have, the hands i’ve wanted to feel.

in a dark time when i was ready to admit defeat…i found something.  something that shines…something that makes me smile.  at first i thought it was a fleeting moment…but it grew.  my eyes used to wander…and now i’m only seeing one thing, one thing i’d not planned to see.  when we look without our eyes and see with the gifts we’ve forgotten to use…things become so much brighter.  i’ve seen things i’d nearly forgotten, felt things i’d believed were long dead in my heart…but they’re as fresh as the first day i realized i could feel them. 

and i always find them in the least likely of places.

so many cross our paths, so many we tend to overlook, so many that will disappear into shadows…and we may never know what they truly offer.  tell me i’m superficial to call her beautiful, but tell me i’ve gone beyond because i’ve given something a chance…tell me i’ve opened my heart to something wonderful.

the things worth having never come without a price…a price i’d gladly pay.  i will be the discord in your life, i’ll be the thing that breaks your cycle, i’ll be the one to cause you strife you never knew possible.  are you willing to pay?  it won’t be an easy road…it never is when you try to touch my soul. 

stars will burn and mountains will crumble, but i’ll be constant in your eyes, the one that never strays his path, the one that stands as a beacon in your blurred eyes…and i’ll always be here to guide you through your torment. 

you’ve chosen a dangerous path, one filled with trials and tribulations, but i’ve seen your conviction and i believe in you.  i believe the balance i’ve seen is true and you’ll maintain your stride toward what will be best for you.  i’ll hold your hand if you stumble, and if your path leads you astray…i can only hope that i’ve given you a direction that you’ll not soon forget.

my patience is immovable when my heart deems it so.  my arms will be outstretched when you’re ready to jump.

/begin rant and social observation/

a close friend of mine spurred my thoughts on this…and i guess it has grown to the point of needing to say something about it.

the argument is the same…we hear it all the time…but seriously, why in the FUCK do girls love douchebag guys?  sure sure, the small percentage of girls will tell me “oh no, don’t lump ME into that category…” but whatever.  MOST girls.  not ALL, but close enough. 

or now…just call me bitter and cynical…tell me that it is just ME, that my standards are so high and i project them onto the girls i know…tell me how i will mock and berate any guy that a girl friend of mine dates…or likes…sure.  that stance is totally unfounded though…i have plenty of girl friends that date guys that i like.  those guys actually treat their girlfriends with respect and are decent dudes, not fucking loser douchebag manipulative asshats.

ok lets cover some of the basics that i hear…

“oh well, he’s totally different when it’s just me and him alone”

yeah?  no shit?  you think that’s because he’s trying to get laid?  oh no, it’s because he’s such a great guy, he wants to be your friend, he really cares about your feelings and what makes you “you” right?  yeah, that must be it.  his personal interest in you can only take form when you two are alone together, never in public and never around other people.  fuck off, get a clue.

“he’s just not very affectionate in public”

wait, so, him telling you that you can’t touch him in public means that he’s not affectionate?  you can’t hold hands, you can’t hug, can’t kiss, you have to walk 10 feet behind him….yeah.  i see where this is going.  your proximity will just embarass him because he’s shy, right?  yeah, or maybe because he doesn’t want anyone to know that he bangs you when no one is looking?

“he did really nice things for me today, he even called me!”

wow…emphasis on “today” huh?  why not do nice things for you ALL the time?  oh yeah…phone calls and texts don’t qualify as markers for liking you.  well, not 100% at least.  those are typical forms of communication…and should be used on a regular basis, not at 2:30am to say “i wanna see you….”  but don’t believe me.  i know, he was just busy with his friends, he already had plans, but at least he’s nice enough to call you after he’s done with all that stuff!  you’re so lucky, he wants to come over and fuck you!  that’s a perfect relationship…he gets to go out with friends and have fun, you get to sit at home and jump when he calls you! 

“oh he’s just friends with that girl, she has a crush on him but he doesn’t like her that way”

right…..you know, i figured this would be a given, but apparently not.  a guy is blowing you off to go see another girl and you think that he doesn’t have interest in her?  you girls have to know better than that…but please, notice the inclusion of “blowing you off” for her.  and of course…he will always tell you how much that girl likes HIM, but he doesn’t feel that way.  you ever notice that you get a little jealous when you hear that?  oh wow…that girl likes him, hmm, maybe i should be a little more aggressive, if SHE likes him, he must have SOMETHING that girls want!  such simple manipulation…   a guy is allowed to have platonic friendships with girls, but if you’re playing second fiddle to those girls…that’s a red flag. 

“i don’t really like him, it’s just convenient and we are both having fun”

haha….yeah…sure…pull the other one.  you seriously want to tell me you’re dwelling over this dude and how you feel like he’s mistreating you but you don’t “LIKE” him?  it’s just sex right?  you couldn’t possibly harbor any emotions toward him, no way.  oh you don’t?  i think they have names for girls like that…the ones that just sleep with dudes because they can.

ughh.  sorry, this is a little one-sided toward women being stupid, i know, but trust me…i’m not overlooking the other side.  obviously these conversations and situations wouldn’t even take place if guys weren’t manipulative pricks.

and now, the beauty of this is…the vast majority of girls LOVE guys that are crass, manipulative, demanding, possessive, jerkish, etc.  some little button is pressed making you think that you’re going to be the one that changes him, the one that tames him, the one that breaks him.  so what happens?  you try…you get hurt…and you don’t learn.  again, some of you do, and some of you don’t date these guys.  but again…MOST of you do.  oooh the bad boy attitude…look at how he doesn’t even care or call me back!  that’s so awesome…he has sex with me so that must mean he loves me…even though he’d never say it outloud…he doesn’t have to say a word, i can tell by the way he rolls over and falls asleep that he loves me…he just wants his space and doesn’t like to cuddle…

but what happens when a girl finds out a guy is a prick?  she doesn’t run.  she tries.  he must be complicated and unique if he’s that much of a dickhead.  oooh i must meet him and get to know him…

honestly, how does one compete?  i’d like to think i’m a pretty good person, i tend to hold myself above that stereotypical “guy” attitude and demeanor.  i have my moments…but overall, i’m usually quite different than most guys and even most PEOPLE in general.  so, what do i do?  when our girls are out chasing jerks and complaining that there are no good guys left, what do we do? 

i’ll tell you what you do…you date the assholes, you get yourself hurt, and you call guys like me and vent.  then…you tell us you wish you could meet a guy just like “us.”

it’s such a lovely pattern…and i’ll watch you repeat it until you get it right.  well, hopefully you’ll get it right.  as sarcastic as i may be when you’ve revealed your repetition, it still hurts to know another guy has gotten away with the game.

don’t question why you can’t meet a wonderful guy when you have them all around you.  you’re just too blind to see.

/end rant and social observation/

i hurt…more often than you know.  i don’t like the decisions i’ve had to make, i don’t like the person i’ve been and the person i sometimes become.  i never wanted to hurt anyone.  i always do though, and always the ones closest to me.  they never see it, they never see what hides right behind my eyes…the things that drive me insane and keep me pushed away.  i’m not what you know, it’s so much darker than that.  chances are i’ll never tell you, but some of you see it.  i’ve been followed and haunted for a long time, but only THEY pay attention.  some things are better left alone and better left unsaid. 

“i’m filled with an evil that leads me into darkness and when i start this you’ll probly say that i’m heartless”  -twiztid

i hurt.  maybe it’s because i’ll never see her again, maybe it’s because i’ll never talk to her again.  it’s probably for the best, as i always corrupt and destroy things.  i’ll never turn them to gold with my touch, though it may seem that way at first.  you’ll turn sour, you’ll turn to mush, and you’ll turn to bitterness.  when things become so clear, i always rip apart the facade and show you what truth is.  i’ll always cause you pain, i’ll always cause you heartache, and i’ll always cause you to turn away from me in anger.  you will hate me for not being what you believe i am, and i’ll hate myself for never being what you believed i could be.

or maybe i’m just being self-damaging.  i usually am.

i dreamt of her…one that caused me so much torment.  i dreamt of the shallow one, though it’s almost rude of me to call her so, since i’ve tried to reconcile my differences with certain parties.  i don’t know what the dream was about really, i just vaguely remember her smiling at me, holding me, touching me…in ways that i’ve tried to forget.  i don’t like it…i don’t like remembering what things were like before they were so quickly destroyed.  those times only ended in sadness and destruction.  i seem to find myself in a perpetual cycle…one of rebirth and one of redemption…and then it ends in a reduction of who i really am.  i wanted to be happy once…and i thought she could bring those things.  for a moment i was happy, the way she spoke to me, the way she told me how i was “worth the trouble” and the way she told me she missed me.  sometimes i wonder how true it really was…if i was the stepping stone to something greater.  i was left obliterated as they all leave me…the one who led them to what their potential proved them to be.  i’m always the intermediary…the one to catapult them into what they’ve aspired to find.  i’ll be your catalyst.  some days i do wonder…could i have prevented it?  was it my unspoken jealousy that caused the events that transpired?  perhaps my lack of interest in what was going on under my nose?  who knows…who cares…i don’t know if i should.  i do believe though…that i should have ended the moment the instant i got that late night phone call that was full of lies and fallacy.  i heard it in your voice, and i still believed in your goodness and honesty.  i knew your capability…and i mistook it for something else.  shame on you…or shame on me…for not telling you to leave my world that night.

and the other dream…i haven’t found the words to talk about it…though i mentioned it to amber.  i cried.  i haven’t cried for anyone since the time i responded to she shehag’s email…the one that showed so much emotion and heart…though i must question the validity of all such claims.  i dreamt of a being…in the dream she was an animal…a wolf…perhaps a dog.  perhaps a shapeshifter…though i don’t know.  i only remember feeling so much love and so much friendship…yet when a person close to me tried to touch and feel this animal…it growled.  the creature growled and snarled, and i felt it ready to attack and pounce on someone close to me.  i told the person to leave the room, to release his grasp and friendly touch, so that i may soothe the beast.  he left the room, and the thing looked at me with bright yellow eyes…as yellow as the full moon that shone above us…and i saw beauty in the madness.  this thing was primal and dangerous, yet i tried to tame it and keep it.  i left the room…and spoke to my mother i believe it was, about the events that just happened.  i’m not sure how or why, but apparently the beast had been rescued from some type of shelter…and i don’t fully understand if this was a beast or a woman…and the advice was simply to return the creature to the place i’d acquired it.  at this moment i’d walked toward the stairs to say goodbye to the thing i tried to keep…and she stood at the top of the stairs as a female…smiling at me…and she told me that everything was ok now, everything was better…that the incident had passed.  she was fine…and it wouldn’t happen again.  she told me she would be ready to leave in a couple of hours, and i told her it must be within 30 minutes…because i knew i must return her to where she came.  i didn’t tell her why…i smiled and walked away.  on my way down the stairs i saw the sister of the creature, and i put my hands around her arms in caring and in confidence…and explained what happened.  she saw beyond my eyes, she knew what i was going to say.  i told her something had happened…and simply said that “i must give her back…but it’s going to kill me…”  and as i spoke the words “it’s going to kill me” i burst into a fit of tears that i’ve not felt in several years…it felt so real and so emotional…my heart shook, my words faltered…and my heart broke.  she pulled me close to comfort me, and in that moment my phone rang and woke me up.  i felt fine when my eyes opened, but i felt the sadness in my heart.  perhaps i’ve longed to feel this way, because it hasn’t happened in ages.  there’s only one person that’s truly made my soul shrink and my heart crack…and those times are long gone.  the thing i felt in my dream felt like her, it felt like that…the pain that i haven’t seen because maybe i’ve shielded myself from it.  my heart broke as i spoke those words in the dream…and i think a part of me desires that emotion…part of me wants to feel the total annihilation of my love and compassion.  i want to feel a love so strong that it can shake my very foundation of who i truly am…something to make me FEEL again.  i’ve hid it from myself…and i’ve blamed this feeling on an older one from the past…but that last person that hurt me so badly made me feel something i’d forgotten.  as much as i try to hide and destroy the connection, the one i call shallow truly made me feel alive in ways that i’d forgotten for several years.  kudos to her for bringing it out…even with as much distaste as i hold for her and the events that followed.  i don’t think the dream was about her or anyone else…simply a recollection of what i’m capable of feeling.

i’m allowing a lot of bad things to happen by even mentioning that…but there’s no use hiding from it.  some things are better left in the past…but hiding skeletons will only allow them to come after me in the future.  it’s better to give them life and release them now than to face them in the future. 

i’ve dreamt of many things recently…not all of them i should share…but there have been things that remind me of better times…times that were leading me to where i want to be.  i want to blame myself for all of my misgivings but that’s unfair.  it was never entirely my fault.  i led those people to do the things they did, without my influence they’d never have happened.  as i said, i’m the catalyst.  i’ve not always propelled myself into happiness, but i’ve propelled myself into the path i should be taking.  never will i believe that a single person will be the thing to bring me comfort and consolation, i must find that within myself.  it’s hard…so hard…and i want to fall back on the feet of those who have stood beside me to make me whole, but they’ve never been the answer.  it has always been inside of me, i’m the one i must depend on to stay strong and to keep going.  in the end…everyone leaves, everyone dies, and everyone has their own agenda.  i can only hope that mine can coexist with someone elses.  i have the potential to make someone happier…and if not, at least i can give them a lesson they’ll not soon forget.  the damage i’ve caused to those i’ve loved has at least been valuable in leading them toward where they now stand.  i’ll always be your inspiration, even if it kills me in the process.  you’ll need me to walk you to where you can stand alone, and if i end up standing beside you…i’ll smile at you the same as i smiled when i first met you.  perhaps you’ll be a different person the next time i see you, perhaps you’ll have some vague memory of me from years ago…maybe you’ll remember me as someone from your distant past that you just can’t recollect…or maybe you’ll remember me as the one who held your hand as you reached the pinnacle of what you have become.  stand tall, stand proud…stand as if you’ve deserved what you’ve achieved.  you do deserve it…i’ve only wanted the best for all of you that i’ve touched…whether you’ve loved me, hated me, or simply forgotten all about me.  i’ll always be the one smiling at you in the back of the crowd, whether you choose to remember me or not.