i talked to a new friend on the phone last night, she has a cute voice, sounds very confident and easy going, very down to earth. we’ll see…

I Live: because someone else has allowed me to.

I Talk: to anyone that speaks to me

I Wish: people wouldn’t put up with bullshit

I Enjoy: playing in the rain

I Look: for lost souls

I Find: truth through pain and experience

I Smell: like the beach

I Listen: to everyone

I Hide: my own pain so that i may help others

I pray: that everything will work out as it should

I Walk: on treadmills

I Write: everything imaginable

I See: the pain you try to hide behind your eyes

I Sing: in the car, rarely in the shower

I Laugh: when other people are happy

I Can: make anyone smile

I Watch: everyone

I Learn: from mistakes, my own and others’

I dream: about things you’d never understand

I Want: to know someone will be there for me

I Cry: when others cry

I Burned: my hands trying to hold stars that weren’t meant for me

I Read: people

I Love: beauty

I Sometimes: hide myself so that others don’t get close to me

I Touch: lives

I Hurt: when i’m unable to fix someone’s heart

I Fear: becoming something else

I Hope: at least someone can learn from me

I Break: stereotypes

I Eat: meat

I Quit: believing the unworthy ones would change

I Bathe: often

I Drink: vodka

I Save: memories

I Hug: to give and receive compassion

I meditate: on why people lose themselves in trying to fit in

I Miss: lying in bed with someone and talking until sunrise

I Hold: my tongue, sometimes

I Forgive: those who ask and deserve it, and the She-Hag

I Drive: cars

I Have: a lot of stories

I Don’t: cheat

I Made: someone feel good about themself

I Kiss: to have my head swirl and to lose my balance

I Believe: most people have potential

I Feel: happy…generally

I Know: i’ll always be there to pick you up

I Wonder: if i’ll ever understand

happy fucking bday to my good pal brizzy mcbriz.

i dreamt last night i’d met someone new…someone visiting from a far off place, another country perhaps…another town too distant to visit…

we talked, we laughed, we danced…and in one single moment we stared in each other’s eyes and saw to our hearts…and we fell in love…

i pretended it wasn’t true, as did she…and the night before she left, i talked with a friend and cried…she asked how i’d fallen…i cried to her saying i’d gone too deep, i felt something magical for this girl…and she was going to disappear…

and the stranger admitted the same thing, i saw her the day she would be leaving…she came to me and hugged me…we cried on each other’s shoulders knowing we’d never be together again, we’d never hold one another close…and we cried…

she told me then to meet her later for dinner…and to kiss her under the candlelight…to kiss her for the first time and for the last, for beginning and finality…

…but i woke up before i did…and for some reason i’m still upset, and still sad…and still heartbroken, like i’ve lost her forever…

i dreamt last night i’d met someone new…someone visiting from a far off place, another country perhaps…another town too distant to visit…

we talked, we laughed, we danced…and in one single moment we stared in each other’s eyes and saw to our hearts…and we fell in love…

i pretended it wasn’t true, as did she…and the night before she left, i talked with a friend and cried…she asked how i’d fallen…i cried to her saying i’d gone too deep, i felt something magical for this girl…and she was going to disappear…

and the stranger admitted the same thing, i saw her the day she would be leaving…she came to me and hugged me…we cried on each other’s shoulders knowing we’d never be together again, we’d never hold one another close…and we cried…

she told me then to meet her later for dinner…and to kiss her under the candlelight…to kiss her for the first time and for the last, for beginning and finality…

…but i woke up before i did…and for some reason i’m still upset, and still sad…and still heartbroken, like i’ve lost her forever…

ok, sometimes i really wonder if i’m gonna wake up from these things. i’d ran into a friend, going to be called D for this, and the earliest bit i remember was that i was driving her to a bank of some sort, or an airport, or a combo of both, i can’t fucking remember. it was a bank at first then some type of airport because she was picking up a package that had just come in. well, i get out to go find her and she’s rolling out this giant crate that apparently is imported alcohol or something, so that was pretty cool. anyway, then she “lives” like, right inside this giant building, which apparently was a mall, bank, and airport. she uses her key to open two glass doors leading into a clothing shop, and then walking toward the back it seems to open into a huge expanse of rooms and such. anyway, i’d felt drunk while going inside, and i know she had shared a drink with me too, and i was having such trouble fighting between knowing it was a dream or feeling it was reality. i was so sluggish, but so conscious….i knew my surroundings, like, i was aware of all the people near me and around me, but i had such a hard time focusing on things. i remember we walked through these hallways into her “room” and had another drink, then people started showing up. of course, everyone was hot, and in black leather…there were several girls that came through with bright red hair that were just adorable…and then with more weirdness, i started seeing people that RECOGNIZED me, but of course i couldn’t place who they were. my mind was so fuzzy and fucked up, i couldn’t tell who i knew and who i didn’t. well D mostly disappeared through the rest of it as i wandered around in these rooms which had been growing and changing. i remember there were like, 4 bedrooms, 2 on each side and across from each other. i remember that they were all decorated differently but i can’t remember specific details. hell, i even remember thinking my car was parked at the curb in front of this “bank” and had asked her about it, she said it’s fine and if it gets towed we’ll worry about it “tomorrow.” oh, and that evidently i was staying there all night. ok, now to see if i can remember what i saw…. there was a very large guy, and a much smaller guy, both in renn garb that were listening to their current recording of their album listening for mistakes or problems and such. both were speaking with a thick burly scot accent, with heavy rolling of the R’s. i think one was wearing bright orange or green, i know those colors dont seem alike. the other was wearing purple i believe. there was a guy in this lounge area that was tattooing his own arm and using a mirror to do so. i told him it was amazing he coiuld do it, that i can’t even draw a straight fucking line, let alone believe i could tattoo myself symmetrically using a mirror. im blanking. oh, i remember now, the beginning of it, we’d gotten inside the “room” and had some drinks, and there were about 3 or 4 others with her, and i remember i kept trying to pass out, but it wasn’t passing out, it was trying to wake up. sure, doesn’t make sense to most of you…i was losing discernment between reality and dream, between body and spirit. i was conscious, but i was losing control of my body. the other people with us started getting sick and vomiting, and D was trying to help them and was wiping everything up and cleaning it…like, they were spewing green bile, it looked like green koolaid or something. no, not green as in pea soup and exorcist. just green liquid. so i’d gotten up to find help and i couldn’t fucking speak properly and couldn’t express my message to everyone coming in, they kept thinking i was drunk or something. eventually they caught on and helped us. beh. minor detail, one of the guys had recognized me, we had gripped/shaken hands and i remember his grip on my thumb, i told him to squeeze harder because i needed to pop my thumb..and he did, and it popped. a beautiful girl with short blonde hair had sortof backed into me then too, and had her head turned behind her looking at me just smiling….hmmm. ok now i’m running out of details, oh, the lounge…well i’d found a room that was a bar of some sort. there was girl there that i sorta recognized, she knew me at first and then i figured out i knew her from my past and she’d just told me how she wants to kiss me so badly, or something. wanted to know what it was like, i dunno. she was playing pool with someone. oh, and i had my phone with me. now i really don’t know, i’ve had a new friend resurface and it’s always the same…she’s receptive and wants to see me, wants to hang out, and then just drops off the planet again. last night she never returned my call about hanging out, and then this morning i hear from her a couple of times, and now…nothing. and my phone just beeped….wonder if it’s her…no, it was someone else. well i remember sending her a text message asking if we’re going out tonight, but then i got a message from someone else, replying for her. i dunno, its fuckin just weird. anyway, then someone else was explaining it to me, that the only 2 important people in her life are me and this other guy, and the other guy likes her? something. and she was trying to create friendship with all 3 of us because she “didn’t like” him or something…which is how the story goes but is never true. well, it probably makes sense, and did in the dream…i could be playing 2nd fiddle right now, again, with this one…and i can’t do it again, i won’t. we’ll see. but…what i wonder…did i send this text during the few times i’d woken up and looked at my phone? i know i looked a couple of times and i swear i sent a message…now i don’t want to send a second one…bah. i hate those feelings. oh, and in the “bar” i’d found, i ran into D again and we drank more. she handed me a light drink with a straw telling me to drink, so i drank about half of it, then she handed me a dark colored drink and i drank half of it as well. then, something was calling, i dunno…i was having to leave to go see someone or something. i can’t rememeber…im blanking again, i just knew i had to leave. oh, and i had to stop and make out with the girl that wanted to kiss me. i never did, i know i woke up before that happened. day had gone to night, and i somehow staggered my way outside, but had found my way upward to the roof of this building. i heard people asking where i was going or how i was going, and jokingly said i was going to base jump out of there. i was in a downtown area too…and it was nighttime and no one was around…and so, knowing i was dreaming i just jumped and started flying…i knew the others didn’t know that i was dreaming (i know, makes no sense) and i was mimicking that i had a parasail of some sort and was gliding around and heard them yelling and cheering, and at some point i forced myself awake, though it took my quite a while to fully wake up and realize i WAS awake, my eyes wouldn’t open and i couldn’t keep from bouncing back and forth to sleeping and dreaming to being awake and trying to move. i know i’d come to and i picked up my phone and sent a message to my friend sam, who just wrote back so at least i know i was awake and i did that, so that makes me feel better 🙂 ughh….. man wtf…i dont know what else to even say. my head still hurts, my eyes are still fuzzy and my body is still weak from all of this, i’m still fighting to keep myself awake. i want to go lie down again and fall asleep but i dont know if i should now.

ok, sometimes i really wonder if i’m gonna wake up from these things.

i’d ran into a friend, going to be called D for this, and the earliest bit i remember was that i was driving her to a bank of some sort, or an airport, or a combo of both, i can’t fucking remember. it was a bank at first then some type of airport because she was picking up a package that had just come in. well, i get out to go find her and she’s rolling out this giant crate that apparently is imported alcohol or something, so that was pretty cool. anyway, then she “lives” like, right inside this giant building, which apparently was a mall, bank, and airport. she uses her key to open two glass doors leading into a clothing shop, and then walking toward the back it seems to open into a huge expanse of rooms and such. anyway, i’d felt drunk while going inside, and i know she had shared a drink with me too, and i was having such trouble fighting between knowing it was a dream or feeling it was reality. i was so sluggish, but so conscious….i knew my surroundings, like, i was aware of all the people near me and around me, but i had such a hard time focusing on things. i remember we walked through these hallways into her “room” and had another drink, then people started showing up. of course, everyone was hot, and in black leather…there were several girls that came through with bright red hair that were just adorable…and then with more weirdness, i started seeing people that RECOGNIZED me, but of course i couldn’t place who they were. my mind was so fuzzy and fucked up, i couldn’t tell who i knew and who i didn’t. well D mostly disappeared through the rest of it as i wandered around in these rooms which had been growing and changing. i remember there were like, 4 bedrooms, 2 on each side and across from each other. i remember that they were all decorated differently but i can’t remember specific details. hell, i even remember thinking my car was parked at the curb in front of this “bank” and had asked her about it, she said it’s fine and if it gets towed we’ll worry about it “tomorrow.” oh, and that evidently i was staying there all night. ok, now to see if i can remember what i saw….

there was a very large guy, and a much smaller guy, both in renn garb that were listening to their current recording of their album listening for mistakes or problems and such. both were speaking with a thick burly scot accent, with heavy rolling of the R’s. i think one was wearing bright orange or green, i know those colors dont seem alike. the other was wearing purple i believe. there was a guy in this lounge area that was tattooing his own arm and using a mirror to do so. i told him it was amazing he coiuld do it, that i can’t even draw a straight fucking line, let alone believe i could tattoo myself symmetrically using a mirror. im blanking.

oh, i remember now, the beginning of it, we’d gotten inside the “room” and had some drinks, and there were about 3 or 4 others with her, and i remember i kept trying to pass out, but it wasn’t passing out, it was trying to wake up. sure, doesn’t make sense to most of you…i was losing discernment between reality and dream, between body and spirit. i was conscious, but i was losing control of my body. the other people with us started getting sick and vomiting, and D was trying to help them and was wiping everything up and cleaning it…like, they were spewing green bile, it looked like green koolaid or something. no, not green as in pea soup and exorcist. just green liquid. so i’d gotten up to find help and i couldn’t fucking speak properly and couldn’t express my message to everyone coming in, they kept thinking i was drunk or something. eventually they caught on and helped us. beh. minor detail, one of the guys had recognized me, we had gripped/shaken hands and i remember his grip on my thumb, i told him to squeeze harder because i needed to pop my thumb..and he did, and it popped. a beautiful girl with short blonde hair had sortof backed into me then too, and had her head turned behind her looking at me just smiling….hmmm.

ok now i’m running out of details, oh, the lounge…well i’d found a room that was a bar of some sort. there was girl there that i sorta recognized, she knew me at first and then i figured out i knew her from my past and she’d just told me how she wants to kiss me so badly, or something. wanted to know what it was like, i dunno. she was playing pool with someone.

oh, and i had my phone with me. now i really don’t know, i’ve had a new friend resurface and it’s always the same…she’s receptive and wants to see me, wants to hang out, and then just drops off the planet again. last night she never returned my call about hanging out, and then this morning i hear from her a couple of times, and now…nothing. and my phone just beeped….wonder if it’s her…no, it was someone else. well i remember sending her a text message asking if we’re going out tonight, but then i got a message from someone else, replying for her. i dunno, its fuckin just weird. anyway, then someone else was explaining it to me, that the only 2 important people in her life are me and this other guy, and the other guy likes her? something. and she was trying to create friendship with all 3 of us because she “didn’t like” him or something…which is how the story goes but is never true. well, it probably makes sense, and did in the dream…i could be playing 2nd fiddle right now, again, with this one…and i can’t do it again, i won’t. we’ll see. but…what i wonder…did i send this text during the few times i’d woken up and looked at my phone? i know i looked a couple of times and i swear i sent a message…now i don’t want to send a second one…bah. i hate those feelings.

oh, and in the “bar” i’d found, i ran into D again and we drank more. she handed me a light drink with a straw telling me to drink, so i drank about half of it, then she handed me a dark colored drink and i drank half of it as well. then, something was calling, i dunno…i was having to leave to go see someone or something. i can’t rememeber…im blanking again, i just knew i had to leave. oh, and i had to stop and make out with the girl that wanted to kiss me. i never did, i know i woke up before that happened.

day had gone to night, and i somehow staggered my way outside, but had found my way upward to the roof of this building. i heard people asking where i was going or how i was going, and jokingly said i was going to base jump out of there. i was in a downtown area too…and it was nighttime and no one was around…and so, knowing i was dreaming i just jumped and started flying…i knew the others didn’t know that i was dreaming (i know, makes no sense) and i was mimicking that i had a parasail of some sort and was gliding around and heard them yelling and cheering, and at some point i forced myself awake, though it took my quite a while to fully wake up and realize i WAS awake, my eyes wouldn’t open and i couldn’t keep from bouncing back and forth to sleeping and dreaming to being awake and trying to move. i know i’d come to and i picked up my phone and sent a message to my friend sam, who just wrote back so at least i know i was awake and i did that, so that makes me feel better 🙂

ughh…..

man wtf…i dont know what else to even say.

my head still hurts, my eyes are still fuzzy and my body is still weak from all of this, i’m still fighting to keep myself awake. i want to go lie down again and fall asleep but i dont know if i should now.

ok…what the hell…looking at some random profile from a friend of a friend etc…well, they had one of those stupid “heritage” survey things posted…and listed theirs as “sweetish/cherokee”

…..

WHAT THE FUCK??  Sweetish??  you know, i looked around it, and i really don’t see where there should be some weird joke, or clever misspelling or something…i HONESTLY think they don’t know how to spell SWEDISH.  you know, if you can’t fucking spell your heritage, don’t put it, k?

now…do i blame them for being an idiot…or do i blame the schooling…or the parents….hmm, i think i blame them.  if you want to share your heritage, learn to spell it at least.

i really don’t understand…Sweden isn’t even spelled with a damn T.

/end rant

—

Katy Cook
Ok, no kidding this was sent to me to put in our state-wide newsletter. Obviously, I had to do some major editing. The really scary thing is that she will be graduating next fall and will then be looking for a teaching position.
I agree with you on the spelling, but grammar is just as bad!!!

My name is _________. I am your SOEA _________.
I attended school at NSU. I have been married for 9 years and have to great boys.
I have held several local offices and state office twice.
I started teaching because i wanted to make a difference in children form my own background. I was raised up low poverty. my family never had money for me to do what i really wanted until my mother married my step dad and i finally got to be part of activities i always wanted too. I was still treated different by teachers and never really had one i connected with . I always wished I had a teacher i could talk to without filling poor. i love helping children in my committee and helping their families. that is why i want to be a teacher. so i can be their for students that need that someone to believe in them from the start. We have been working on requriting teachers of different nationalies. I like how that encourages students that would never thought they could be a teacher becouse they didnt have teachers form thier own backgrounds. Its agreat committee we have members form all different cultures. they are always happy to help with anything you need. they repersent OEA well. I believe.
Reply(1)5 years ago

Daniel Self
oh lord that’s horrid……
5 years ago

it’s…seemingly true. things generally ARE what they seem, and some things can’t be hidden by flowery fragrance and pretty paper… i’m still complicated…i’m still difficult…and i still chase the ones that are only running from themselves. i’ve disappointed a few lately…and i’m sorry…sometimes feelings just aren’t there i suppose. and of course…i can’t simply explain that i’m not really the exterior that you see….so many bad things in my head, so many bad things i want to say to people…if only to get a reaction. maybe those few are right in saying i’m bitter and cynical…i dunno. some of the things that have been said just seem so inhuman, and hell…maybe it’s fitting. i’d decided so long ago that i really didn’t want to be one of you, and i’m still trying so desperately to not be…but i’m always slipping. i keep feeling love and desperation…i keep feeling i want to show those beautiful few that “we” really do exist…but those things always lead to rejection. sometimes its better not to reveal how i feel. so many of you will never know how much i like you, how much i want to be close to you, to feel your hands, your lips, your hair…your eyes gazing into mine. it’s so dangerous to use those words, because they can so easily be thrown back in my face. where is it coming from…i feel a sadness growing in my throat, that lump, like i want to cry, but i don’t know why and i don’t know who the tears are fo. hell i don’t even know if it’s sadness…maybe i just want someone to hold me and tell ME for once that everything will be ok. i give so much and i don’t want anything in return, it’s the path i’ve chosen…and i dare not expect any reciprocation for my actions. i’ll tell you a hundred times that you’re beautiful and that you deserve so much more, that he was never worth it, that the right person is out there……and then they all tell me the same thing….maybe it’s the disillusionment that hurts me. maybe i want someone to tell me “daniel, there’s no one out there for you.” ah, and now i just sound self-loathing…no, not now. that’s not what i want. some of them understand, some know how i feel and can relate to the yearnings i have because they are the same way. even the simplest conversation i had today…that the only thing i’d ask is that you don’t cheat and you don’t lie…is it really that hard? that’s all people ever do. it’s so much easier to be involved, to be committed, so why make the choice to keep making everything difficult? why keep looking for temporal happiness in other people when we have one to love that’s sitting at home waiting by the phone….instead of looking elsewhere, why not just go home? just call the one you’re lying to…quit being fucking assholes…will you ever grasp how badly you’ve damaged those people? something is so lacking…i just want to get lost in a moment, i want the world to stop spinning as i’m in the arms of someone, i want everything to disappear as i fade into another’s heart…i want to kiss someone in the middle of a giant crowd and be oblivious to everyone staring….only to know that i’m the only thing that matters…no judgement and no concern about the outside world….if only for the briefest second… so many of you will never know how much i truly want to hold you in my arms and how much i’ve fallen for everything that you are……

it’s…seemingly true. things generally ARE what they seem, and some things can’t be hidden by flowery fragrance and pretty paper…

i’m still complicated…i’m still difficult…and i still chase the ones that are only running from themselves. i’ve disappointed a few lately…and i’m sorry…sometimes feelings just aren’t there i suppose. and of course…i can’t simply explain that i’m not really the exterior that you see….so many bad things in my head, so many bad things i want to say to people…if only to get a reaction. maybe those few are right in saying i’m bitter and cynical…i dunno. some of the things that have been said just seem so inhuman, and hell…maybe it’s fitting. i’d decided so long ago that i really didn’t want to be one of you, and i’m still trying so desperately to not be…but i’m always slipping. i keep feeling love and desperation…i keep feeling i want to show those beautiful few that “we” really do exist…but those things always lead to rejection. sometimes its better not to reveal how i feel. so many of you will never know how much i like you, how much i want to be close to you, to feel your hands, your lips, your hair…your eyes gazing into mine. it’s so dangerous to use those words, because they can so easily be thrown back in my face.

where is it coming from…i feel a sadness growing in my throat, that lump, like i want to cry, but i don’t know why and i don’t know who the tears are fo. hell i don’t even know if it’s sadness…maybe i just want someone to hold me and tell ME for once that everything will be ok. i give so much and i don’t want anything in return, it’s the path i’ve chosen…and i dare not expect any reciprocation for my actions. i’ll tell you a hundred times that you’re beautiful and that you deserve so much more, that he was never worth it, that the right person is out there……and then they all tell me the same thing….maybe it’s the disillusionment that hurts me. maybe i want someone to tell me “daniel, there’s no one out there for you.” ah, and now i just sound self-loathing…no, not now. that’s not what i want.

some of them understand, some know how i feel and can relate to the yearnings i have because they are the same way.

even the simplest conversation i had today…that the only thing i’d ask is that you don’t cheat and you don’t lie…is it really that hard? that’s all people ever do. it’s so much easier to be involved, to be committed, so why make the choice to keep making everything difficult? why keep looking for temporal happiness in other people when we have one to love that’s sitting at home waiting by the phone….instead of looking elsewhere, why not just go home? just call the one you’re lying to…quit being fucking assholes…will you ever grasp how badly you’ve damaged those people?

something is so lacking…i just want to get lost in a moment, i want the world to stop spinning as i’m in the arms of someone, i want everything to disappear as i fade into another’s heart…i want to kiss someone in the middle of a giant crowd and be oblivious to everyone staring….only to know that i’m the only thing that matters…no judgement and no concern about the outside world….if only for the briefest second…

so many of you will never know how much i truly want to hold you in my arms and how much i’ve fallen for everything that you are……