not really. but a fun word to say. i’m tired…i’m worn…i want to sleep for days and not think of anyone but myself…but it won’t happen. all my thoughts constantly turn to so many other people…and yet i wish to be so selfish and i can’t even be selfish about being selfish…it’s always about everyone else. not sure when i’ll fully learn…but i’m sure i’ll fall several more times before i fully believe that they aren’t worth it. i’m wondering how far away the breaking point is…the time and place when it all converges back into the center and things once again spiral out of their paths and flop into everything around them, damaging the ones not even involved… time will always catch up.

You’re feeling a little all over the place — head and heart and stomach all tied up in knots. Try not to get too anxious about it. You’re sorting things out in your own way. This too shall pass.

i had a dream i was on SNL with billy corgan. i kept trying to crack him up and make him smile during the skits we were doing. wtf is wrong with me…i asked for bad dreams and bad terrors and i got billy corgan? cmon, you can do better than that. i guess they’re done playing with me now, once i learned to defend myself they’ve moved on…well i want them back. i want them to try again, and this time i want to see in their eyes and see just how far the hole truly goes.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20050705/ap_on_fe_st/russia_comet_case

sanctified damage so deep and true, i can be stronger, i’ll take it from you… my eyes were dried from the tears i wept, my heart turned empty, my love you kept… i never meant to find a creature like this, it wasn’t what i needed, it wasn’t real bliss… my blood still runs red, though it feels another shade, i’m nothing like you, we’re not similarly made… i want you to notice, i want you to see, exactly what you do, and what you did to me… stains marr my soul, my spirit undone, pain flows stronger now than when it’d begun… you want me left cold, and as such i’ll be, i’ll look to the Star, and remember it was once me.

you know i’ve started to grow since you’ve been away.
lately it’s scarier not knowing,
what’s become of you
are you proud of me now? I can’t tell
i’m not as fearless as you.

[chorus:]
still i pretend that you’re still standing by,
to show me wrong from right,
never got a chance to say good bye.
take this gift from me,
hold it deep in mind forever,
and never let this go.

i used to think you were crazy,
when you were hooked to the screen.
but now they tell me that you’re in a better place
but where did you go?
and i swear sometimes you’re watching over me
still i’d give the world for the chance
just to see your face again.

[chorus]

now, now there’s nothing left but time,
know that i’m following you.
eva’s always on my mind and it makes me wonder.
what happened to you?
you know it makes me wonder.

[chorus]

and never let this go away.
never let this go.
sorry if ive posted this one before…it really makes me…feel.

Whether you believe in reincarnation or not is irrelevant. We’ve all had the experience of feeling like we’ve known someone forever, even though it’s only been a few months. Or weeks. Or even moments. You, of course, have learned to pay careful attention to that sort of thing, so when you cross paths now with someone who seems familiar, you won’t hesitate to mention that, and to ask them where they’ve been all your life. This lifetime, that is …. — *sigh*……..this is the sorta bullshit that gets me in trouble. the ones i notice that i’ve felt this way about have all noticed the same thing…and to most of them it doesn’t matter, and one even said that i made it up and used it to take advantage of the situation…that i probably didn’t even mean it…how inclined should i be to tell someone something like this when they could just throw it in my face? —quickie— Today you are just like everybody else, except cuter and more articulate.

happy 4th of jooo-lie.

i felt you were my perfect drug at one time, perhaps a small part of me still craves the poisons you give…maybe some of me is in withdrawal from lack of your influence…maybe i haven’t broken my habit of taking you into my system…

i got my head but my head is unraveling can't keep control can't keep track of where it's traveling i got my heart but my heart's no good and you're the only one that's understood i come along but i don't know where you're taking me i shouldn't go but you're wrenching dragging shaking me turn off the sun pull the stars from the sky the more i give to you the more i die and i want you and i want you and i want you and i want you you are the perfect drug the perfect drug the perfect drug you are the perfect drug the perfect drug the perfect drug you make me hard when i'm all soft inside i see the truth when i'm all stupid-eyed the arrow goes straight through my heart without you everything just falls apart my blood wants to say hello to you my fears want to get inside of you my soul is so afraid to realize how very little good is left of me and i want you and i want you and i want you and i want you you are the perfect drug the perfect drug the perfect drug you are the perfect drug the perfect drug the perfect drug (take me) (with you) (take me) (with you) (take me) (with you) (take me) (with you) without you (take me) without you everything falls apart (with you) without you (take me) it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces (with you) without you (take me) without you everything falls apart (with you) without you (take me) it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces (with you) (take me) it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces (with you) (take me) it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces (with you) without you without you everything falls apart without you it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces 

just remember, when you think you’re free….the crack inside your fucking heart is me… lie to me…cry to me…give to me…i would… lie with me…die with me…give to me…i would…