i was digging in my drawer looking for something and found this: “i know you’rehaving a bad day:( and i’m sorry. things will be better tomorrow. you still have lots of friends that care about you and that like you for who you are…including me 🙂 cheer up! you’ll have a better day tomorrow!” i think the part that really gets me…is that i fucking believed those words, especially “…that like you for who you are…” when it was nothing but utter bullshit… burn like brilliant trash my friend, burn like brilliant trash so high in the sky.

more weird dreams…as usual i guess…this time of the she-hag, somehow it was some weird surprise…like, i was at my parents house and saw her little sister walk in, so like i knew she was close…and my sister called me over and it was some rouse that she was “selling cleaning supplies” or some crap…i just remember looking at her and losing my breath, my heart and throat just sorta locked up and we looked at each other much the same way…then both of us just cried and cried as we hugged. we didn’t leave each other’s side for the rest of the space of the dream, we just sat in my bedroom talking and wrapped in each other’s arms…and i told her it feels great to hold her again, she said she feels terrible…so i got a bit upset at that, and she looked at me and said ‘no, i feel terrible because i’m lying to my bf about how i feel’ and shortly after that i remember waking up. other than that, i dreamt of a bartender i’ve met, very strange…but she worked at like target or something, i don’t get that one at all. also have to remember that i think i saw her jogging in lafortune and ask her about that.

[Jamie Madrox]
She’s like a ride on a roller coaster
Filled with many ups and downs
And did everything just to get closer
To her, but she pushed me away
Fat kids are used to rejection
We deal with that shit everyday
Something about her made me press the issue
My friends told me to leave it alone, she’ll only diss you
She did, but I was ready for that
Pulled my axe outta my book bag and I put it in her back She was something I’ll never forget
I don’t really miss her though
Now she’s gone and never coming back

i believe i can see the future…because i repeat the same routine i think i used to have a purpose…and then again that might have been a dream i think i used to have a voice…now i never make a sound i just do what i’ve been told…i really dont want them to come around…oh no every day is exactly the same…there is no love here and there is no pain…. every day is exactly the same…… i can feel their eyes are watching…in case i lose myself again sometimes i think i’m happy here…sometimes i still pretend i can’t remember how this all got started…but i can tell you…exactly…how it will end every day is exactly the same…there is no love here and there is no pain… every day is exactly the same… i’m writing on a little piece of paper…i’m hoping someday you might find i’ll hide it behind something…they don’t look behind i am still inside here…a little bit comes bleeding through i wish this could have been any other way…i just don’t know…what else i can do…. and i’ve rehearsed my lines… and i know what’s coming next…