it seems it really wasa wwaste of my time to think that people would be dfifferent…you never are…you ask me to show you something that you’ve never seen before..and when i do you run away and think you’ll find it in someone esle…those of you that know the truth have realized you wont find it elsewhere…it’s too bad it takes so long for you to see the truth about everything….so long tha ti’ll be gone and you wont be able to change your minds….. ther eis no you, there is only me…… im drunk and i have hiccups….i have something you wil never have…and you’ll never undrerstand it either……but keep trying, you’lll ssee that it’s not obtainable…you’ll realize that you’re never going to be what i am.

i forgot, i stopped smoking again. you know, its funny…i quit smoking a few months ago because of some bitch, and things were fine. then the same bitch was the reason i started smoking again…funny how things go full circle. congrats on being my inspiration to quit…and congrats on being the ultimate cause for me to start again. now i’m quitting for a bet. my reasons are for me and for money…and just because i wanted a reason to quit that had nothing to do with the selfish desires of any other person.

message to no one in particular… and guess what? nobody loves you, nobody cares. i was sent here to give you this message. oh thats right … you’re different. different than the rest. i forgot. i forgot. well fuck you, and fuck fitting into your scene fuck what you think oh yeah? well i’m the king of the world the world that i’m destroying…big chunks at a time i am the destroyer of worlds… you watch and see.

Quickie:
You’re seeing patterns where others see chaos. Take it to the next level.

Overview:
If you’ve decided to make a change, you’ll move so fast that you’ll probably scare your friends. But when has that ever stopped you? If anyone marches to the beat of their own drummer, it’s you. Why stop now? You’ve decided that your current situation just isn’t working. It’s not in your nature to sit there and take it, and you’re famous for having absolutely no patience with anyone who does. You’ve decided to make some changes, and you’ll move quickly on them — so quickly that those closest to you may wonder exactly who you are and what you’ve done with the person they knew. Resist the urge to nurse them through it. They’ll get over it.

ok, i’ve avoided mentioning this for it only happening once, but now i dreamt it again…just weird that it’s carrying through now, i guess it’s good though because it’s the reaction i want to have and use, not the other lovey happy stupid crap that i used to dream. well, the other night in the dream, i saw a couple people i didn’t want to see, and as i walked by, one of them looked at me and caught eyes with me the same as always, and it just perturbed me…i just spouted “quit fucking looking at me like that” as i walked by and just heard the gasping behind me from the people involved…it almost felt…cathartic. it also felt uncontrolled, like i didn’t really intend on saying it but that it just happened and sorta blurted out. so then this morning in my midst of waking up, i had another one…i was standing barely outside my cube here at work and several people were around and it was crowded, and i heard that squeaky voice and looked back to see two people walking off, one of them trying to be cute and snuggled to the other person’s back or something, hard to describe, and one of them turned and smiled at me and i just looked at them and shook my head and said “you’re a fucking whore…” and just turned and went back to what i was doing. bad daniel? maybe. i think i’m closer to figuring out what i want from it though, there’s something that needs to drop and i’m on the verge of realizing if what i’m thinking is right. if so, maybe all this will disappear finally.

i’m becoming less defined as days go by…fading away…(you might say) i’m losing focus…kind of drifting into the abstract in terms of how i see myself sometimes i think i can see right through myself less concerned about fitting in to the world…YOUR world that is, because it doesn’t really matter anymore… none of this really matters anymore… yes i am alone, but then again i awlays was…as far back as i can tell i think maybe it’s because…because you were never real to begin with i just made you up to hurt myself… and it worked. yes it did… there is no you…there is only me…there is no fucking you, there is only me…only well the tiniest little dot caught my eye and it turned out to be a scab and i had this funny feeling like i just knew its something bad…i just couldnt leave it alone and i kept picking at that scab…like it was a doorway trying to seal itself shut… but i climbed through and now i’m somewhere i am not supposed to be…and i can see things i know i really shouldnt see now i know why…and now i know why things aren’t as pretty on the inside… there is no fucking you…there is only me only… is this really all there is? is this really all there is?

cinco de mayo today or something, i like yesterday better. i guess just another excuse to drink. speaking of excuses to drink…i need to give a special “shout out” to a sexy young lady named lisa who’s bday is today…i think she’s turning a fresh 18, or at least we can pretend that she is for today. all of you need to drink in her name tonight, at least a shot for the mighty lisa, or i will kick your asses. i just hope that we can make this a memorable “first” bday celebration for her.

Overview:
Are you still speaking your mind without thinking about the consequences? If the answer is yes, don’t be too hard on yourself. Every now and then, we’re all entitled to be reckless. That, of course, goes double for you.

i had an experience the other night, i haven’t had time to sit down and write about it. it was a dream i don’t want to remember, but i have to if i want to keep remembering these things. i was in my parents old trailer again, as it seems most of my horrific nightmares are there. i walked into the bathroom, and i remember looking in the mirror and it wasn’t me…i wasn’t the same, but only slightly. also when i moved, the image didn’t mimic me exactly…much like it was watching me from the other side and trying to copy me, but just didn’t quite match up. of course i got nervous and turned to leave…the lights were out, and i looked at the door and knew that it would close…and it did. the door swung shut and i felt that obligatory chill and shiver run down my spine and through my soul. i wasn’t ready to see what was waiting this time, but i turned anyway, and there it was. it was a new one this time, one i’d never seen. it was greenish, slight haze of blue…leathery looking skin. it wasn’t quite tight like human skin, almost a little loose but not like in a “decayed” way…more like it was pliable and elastic-like. well, i’d say it was average height, probly 5’5″ or so, no hair that i remember, but it had a nearly oblong head, almost like a taller forehead and skull, not quite a rounded dome and not quite coned, a tad in between. the image is fading a bit, so it’s hard to be clear on all the details. i remember the hands were clawed and had digits, most likely it had 5 fingers on each hand with typical pointed claws. i remember it having teeth and remnant fangs, but nothing ridiculous or exaggerated…just enough to not be human teeth. it’s hard to see it, i feel like i’m seeing an image of something else when i try to concentrate and i don’t want to mix the details with something else. well the eyes were sunk in, i believe a hint of orange or dull yellow, they weren’t bright and piercing at all…just a low glow. i don’t remember any wings of any type, and i don’t remember any markings or tattoos or decoration or jewelry, and i believe it was naked by our standards but had no discernable sex organs. when i first saw it after the door shut in front of me, i remember it slowly phasing from the shadow, like it was there watching and as i looked toward the thing it slowly became visible. it slowly walked toward me, very slowly, and i remember nearly being with my back against the door and i was losing touch with my body…it was trying to paralyze and keep me from moving. i do clearly remember yelling toward it, cursing at it and such to leave, but my body was slowly freezing and i was less able to move or speak. i raised my arms in protection with my palms facing outward in a last attempt to deter it, but the magic was simply not there. ultimately my body froze and i closed my eyes and felt it inches away from me and finally broke off and woke myself up.