you knew this would happen, you knew it would come to this. you knew all along that nothing would work, you knew all along that things would stop. you knew in your head that people like you don’t date people like them. you knew in your head that your happiness come second in life. you knew all along that regardless if you supercede someone in so many ways, you’re still the outsider. you knew that taking the risk only leaves you vulnerable. you knew opening your heart only invites someone to break it. you knew that believing in someone that holds no faith will never yield results. you knew that only one with open eyes will ever see you for all you are. you knew from the beginning…that you’re not the one. you never are, you never were, you never will be. you knew you should stick to your own kind and stop wasting your time with these other creatures. you knew, daniel, you knew all along, and you did it anyway. what does that say about you? are you stupid or just gullible? why would you convince yourself that you’re something that you’re not? why would you put yourself through all this when it’s simply worthless emotion that’s wasted on things less suited? why must you keep trying… i did it because i was in love…i did it even knowing the results and the outcome. i did it because i felt something and i wanted to continue to feel it. i did it because i enjoyed looking at someone the way i did. i did it because i wanted to touch someone’s heart again, even if it meant the destruction of mine. i wanted to watch someone smile so brightly and shine so elegantly at the simplest touch from my fingers…it was a moment i simply wanted to see and feel one more time. that’s all…one simple moment of happiness for myself, happiness in knowing that i made someone feel passion at least for a short time, i made someone feel something they won’t replace.

i do miss having someone to fix my crooked earrings.

You’ve always taken good care of your friends — really good care of them. You’re so devoted to them, in fact, that your family members are often quite jealous, much as they may be right now. Well, they’ll just have to get over themselves. If anyone loves their friends and knows how to be a good one in return, it’s you. It’s your specialty, and that’s that. No apologies. yes, so true…which of course is why it’s not my fucking problem that people choose not to be my friend. i’m worth more than that, and i’m worth more than they’ll find. like i said so long ago…it’s your loss for not taking what i offer, not mine. somehow i know that you won’t fucking forget that part though, and i don’t need to remind any of you.

lie to me, cry to me, give to me…i would…. lie with me, die with me, give to me…i would… oh, let me die holding hands….with you…

There’s usually at least a two second delay between thought and words — for most signs, anyway. In your case, it’s about a second, on slow days. At the moment, however, there will be no delay, which makes you pretty darned dangerous. Basically, if you were regulated by the FCC, they’d have your license by noon. Keep that in mind before you go off on anyone who’s not as well armed in the verbal department as you happen to be. this is oh so true…you don’t want to be in my way…you’d better save your piece for another time because now is not a good time to try to confront me or bitch me out…. “come out, come out, wherever you are…”

splintered fragments of a shattered vision…disrupted thoughts of tattered imagination…unrealized pieces of a dream that was never meant to be dreamt…that is where you sit…empty and alone, waiting for that moment to open your moistened eyes to view the damaged world that lies strewn before you…right outside the grasp of your cold fingertips.

A HOLE IN THE WALL

WHEN I HAVE TO DIE THEN
I WANT TO STRANGLE MYSELF IN YOUR BLACK HAIR
AND WHEN I HAVE TO DIE THEN
I WANT TO SUFFOCATE BETWEEN YOUR SWEET BREASTS
AND WHEN I HAVE TO DIE THEN
I WANT TO BE BLINDED BY YOUR BROWN EYES
AND WHEN I HAVE TO DIE THEN
I WANT TO CUT MY VEINS ON YOUR LIPS
I HAVE NOT YET LEARNED ENOUGH
MY HANDS IN CHAINS
THE BRAIN- A HOLE IN THE WALL

A HOLE IN THE WALL

SO WHAT
I AM NEVER GOING TO DIE

AND WHEN I HAVE TO DIE THEN
I WANT TO STARVE IN YOUR LAP
AND WHEN I HAVE TO DIE THEN
I WANT TO BURN IN YOUR BED
AND WHEN I HAVE TO DIE THEN
I WANT TO DROWN IN YOUR HEAT
AND WHEN I HAVE TO DIE THEN
I WANT TO BE POISONED BY YOUR BLOOD
AND WHEN I HAVE TO DIE THEN
I WANT TO MELT AWAY FROM YOUR KISS
AND THEN WHEN I AM DEAD
BURY ME CLOSE TO YOUR HEART

CLOSE TO YOUR HEART

I HAVE NOT YET LEARNED ENOUGH
MY HANDS IN CHAINS
THE BRAIN- A HOLE IN THE WALL

A HOLE IN THE WALL

CLOSE TO YOUR HEART

You’re still mad, and you don’t care who knows it. You especially don’t care if the person who inspired this anger knows it. After all, don’t they deserve to bear its brunt more than anyone? So why dole these feelings out to innocent bystanders little by little? What you really should do is hang onto your annoyance, wait for the individual who deserves it and let ’em have it. It’s only fair. how true you are, yahoo horoscope, how true you are.

sorry, i know holly will hate me for taking this line… i need irrelevance, intelligence, a new tattoo, a lot more sex…. thanks raine. well, i have the tattoo…i’d like the rest….*sigh*

well…it’s been a while again. i tried thursday night, but it’s too negative. there’s such a cloud over everything, it is oppressive and overbearing, i’m not really sure what to make of it, but it isn’t my place to need to understand what it is. i recognize that it’s there, and i’m sure others won’t. i’ve always noticed it, i had the same feeling and felt the same cloud over it even before things had changed. storm clouds always hover, they always smother what they need, they always shadow the things we don’t always see in our faces. i still had that sickening muck feeling in my chest too, i don’t think it’s a conditioned response, it isn’t like i want to have that pit in my stomach, i want it to be empty. i want my face to be empty and nondescript and i want my eyes to stare blankly into the darkness. i want to know what it is that stops me, the thing that makes me contemplate and hesitate. why has my hatred not come full circle? every part of my mind understands my disposition but my body won’t follow with the proper reaction. i think that is the part that scares me. nay, i FEEL that is the part that scares me. it doesn’t make any fucking sense. maybe it’s the moon… i spent most of the weekend at the bar drinking, had a good time, saw a lot of people i knew including a few girls i hadn’t seen in a while. we tried out Tabu, and that place sucks ballz. there were like 5 girls working there, and like one of them was average. nothing exciting, nothing incredible…within two minutes of walking in the door i had girls sitting on my lap wanting to play with my hair and my piercings. go figure. OH BUT DANIEL, THEY ARE SO DISGUSTING! seems its one extreme or the other. love it or hate it. saw the mardi gras girls at the depot too. and a handful of younger people i went to school with. its arrogant but it makes me feel so freakin strange to hear people talk about me like i’m someone famous. i’m standing there hearing “dude i think that’s daniel self! omg it IS! it’s HIM!” maybe i should start giving photos and signing autographs or something. i’ve been coming to the realization (again) after deliberation…i don’t want to believe how true it is, but actions as of late only tell me that things hardly change with women. they always want to go back to what they know best. it’s really hard for someone to step outside of their box and to allow themselves to experience something that sits outside of their understanding. my ex recently admitted that (in a previous post, i put up the email) she was hounded about how i “wasn’t her type” and that her friends and i guess family couldn’t “see her with me” and such. of course i have to expect those things, i ask for it with the way i choose to look, but seriously, are things like that really THAT fucking important? there’s a limit to pissing off family, but friends really are irrelevant with those opinions. i’ve had friends tell me after the fact with girls that they may have found them unattractive, rude, bad personality or whatever, but they never told me stuff about how i’d be better with someone that was my type, or someone that “looks” better superficially. even my parents have told me they despised a couple of the girls i dated, but they never said anything simply because i was happy with the situation. why do we base our opinions so much on people telling us that two people don’t belong together? i think next time i’m gonna start telling people to just fuck off. i have a social “type” i suppose people tell me i should date…though that’s not generally what appeals to me. i’ve gone beyond my “type” with a lot of people just to give them a chance, especially when i know most of them are just self-rightous superficial bitches, but everyone at least deserves an equal chance. hmm…i’m doing the tangent thing. i went and shot skeet with my dad again on easter, i guess i can hold my own for being the second time to ever fire a rifle. i’d say i was close to 50% on them. i have a hard time shooting because my left eye is so bad, i’m supposed to use both eyes but i have to close my left and use my right to keep my aim. now i’m babbling…i’ve lost some of the meaning of what i want to say…..so, fuck off.