i’ve done it, finally. i lost grip with my emotions, i’m shutting them off once more. i only cause myself pain, i only cause myself anger….i’m not doing this to myself anymore. it was a failed experiment to try to be encouraging, caring, compassionate, loving, emotional….it was all bullshit. this is not who i am, this is not who i’m going to be…i am this thing, i am nothing more and nothing less. this chosen path was not for me, i’m sorry, danya, i tried to be strong about it, but it just hasn’t worked. thank you for making me open my eyes and feel something, but alas, i’m closing them again. thank you crystal for your resources, i used all i could take from you, physically and mentally, you are now no longer an option, there is nothing left for me to receive from you and so begins your non-existence in my life. thank you wendy for hanging out with me the past couple of days, it’s been a lot of fun and you’ve helped keep my mind off other things. rich…where the fuck are you, get a damn cell phone. and thanks to the others that have kept up with my days and life, i still care about you, and this doesn’t mean that i’m going to stop caring, i’m just done with showing all of it, it just isn’t truly me. and to the other friend, don’t blame yourself. this was bound to happen anyway, if not you, then someone else would have brought it on. i’m better suited to exist alone, i’m too difficult to deal with, i’m too difficult to understand, i’m too difficult to truly love. if this wasn’t true, then so many others would not have left the way they did, so many others wouldn’t be hurting because of who i am. i exist to simply help others, to aid them in learning, to offer them insight into things they may not understand. i feel i’ve done this for you, friend, i’ve touched parts of your mind that i feel you don’t like to face…just keep dwelling there and learn your reasons for your being, you’ve showed me a lot and i just wish you will continue to grow in the direction i’ve watched you grow over the past few months. i didn’t meet you to find a romantic relationship with you, it was never going to work. you are too young and still reeling from your last encounter with pain, although i think it is slowly releasing itself. and maybe you really aren’t my type, my feelings have confused and astounded me before, i can’t always tell which feelings i’m having at the time, so maybe i misinterpreted feeings of sympathy for feelings of love. i’ve stressed you out and shown you things that you didn’t need to see, i’ve made you uneasy for naught. i’m not obsessive, just persistent. i’ve let so many things slip out of grasp because of my apathy, i used to give up so easily. well, if persistence is now viewed at obsession, then i’m no longer going to be persistent. if i fail, then i took my chance. not MY fucking loss, it’s theirs. i know what i’m worth, i know my value, and i know it is higher than the boy toys that so many girls find themselves leering at and lusting over. pretty hair and a fucking tshirt don’t pay the bills and they don’t take care of responsibilities. i guess it’s fine when you have none, i took the same things as being important when i was in high school and didn’t have a care in the world. things are a bit more important now, people need to have jobs, people need to understand the point of being an adult 90% of the time, not being childish and continuing to hold onto childish beliefs and lifestyles. you can’t have a spike through your nose, eyebrow, lips, neck and forehead for the rest of your life, and you can’t pretend to be despondent and quirky and still maintain an existence in modern society. wear your black, wear your neon, wear your slutty outfits, wear your leather and vinyl….you all know it is coming to an end soon, and that one day you will have to exchange your Misfits tshirt for a Polo and a tie, your sliced down the side raggedy jeans for a pair of khaki Dockers…your wild colored and wildly styled hair for a responsible, average hairdo. face it, grow up, you are made up of your attitude and personality, not the contents of your wallet or your expensive furniture. you are not your fucking khakis. thank you, tyler durden, for that one…. disillusioned children, i weep for you 🙁