i don’t know what is in my head today…something is causing me to be upset and feel a bit down…probably just time for the pendulum to swing. it always has to happen…i don’t know what i can blame it on this time. sure…the green monster that bites us all slowly tries to surface, but i’m doing my best to keep it at bay, i really don’t have a reason for it to come out. my insecurity makes me feel threatened, as maybe it should…sometimes i just don’t care enough and don’t take notice. there are levels of respect that i know people won’t cross, so i shouldn’t even take notice that i feel any type of insecurity…who knows. i guess sometimes i just want to feel more special than i’m shown. it’s no one’s fault, no one needs to cater to me or change their ways, i’m not asking that…it’s a temporal mood and it will soon dissipate. oh well. i’ll drink…it will disappear…i’ll listen to my friend’s problems tonight and i’ll swell with annoyance and irritation at why women deal with men, i’ll wish to distance myself so much from being that persona…sometimes i wish i didn’t have to even call myself human, especially male…why are we such impure assholes….. so…the she-hag called me the other night, i hadn’t talked to her since about july 03 based on how old her kid is now. we had a good talk, i really miss talking with her, as she does me, but it’s not going to increase. too much tension from outside parties for us to ever be close friends again. i guess a couple of things she said have really clawed my brain, i have had to give them time to process before i wanted to give them any credit. one of them…..”well, that situation sounds REALLY familiar….” so many things that have happened recently are so similar to things i’ve went through in the past…i can’t repeat my same mistakes i made with her because i fucking know better…i learned so much from that pain that i never want to be that person. she knows it and i know it, i’m not the only one to blame but i definitely needed to change, and i have. i refuse to follow the same steps i did to ruin that relationship. the other one was about astrology stuff…she’s an early leo, crush is a late leo…..and he statement was “wow, i’m the beginning and she’s the end?” and both of us sorta caught the implication of that…and i’m not sure what to think about it.